sketches new and old-第12章
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hunting up bad little boys to admonish； he found a lot of them in the old
iron…foundry fixing up a little joke on fourteen or fifteen dogs； which
they had tied together in long procession； and were going to ornament
with empty nitroglycerin cans made fast to their tails。 Jacob's heart
was touched。 He sat down on one of those cans （for he never minded
grease when duty was before him）； and he took hold of the foremost dog by
the collar； and turned his reproving eye upon wicked Tom Jones。 But just
at that moment Alderman McWelter； full of wrath； stepped in。 All the bad
boys ran away； but Jacob Blivens rose in conscious innocence and began
one of those stately little Sunday…school…book speeches which always
commence with 〃Oh； sir！〃 in dead opposition to the fact that no boy； good
or bad； ever starts a remark with 〃Oh； sir。〃 But the alderman never
waited to hear the rest。 He took Jacob Blivens by the ear and turned him
around； and hit him a whack in the rear with the flat of his hand； and in
an instant that good little boy shot out through the roof and soared away
toward the sun with the fragments of those fifteen dogs stringing after
him like the tail of a kite。 And there wasn't a sign of that alderman or
that old iron…foundry left on the face of the earth； and； as for young
Jacob Blivens； he never got a chance to make his last dying speech after
all his trouble fixing it up； unless he made it to the birds； because；
although the bulk of him came down all right in a tree…top in an
adjoining county； the rest of him was apportioned around among four
townships； and so they had to hold five inquests on him to find out
whether he was dead or not； and how it occurred。 You never saw a boy
scattered so。＇This glycerin catastrophe is borrowed from a floating
newspaper item； whose author's name I would give if I knew it。M。 T。＇
Thus perished the good little boy who did the best he could； but didn't
come out according to the books。 Every boy who ever did as he did
prospered except him。 His case is truly remarkable。 It will probably
never be accounted for。
A COUPLE OF POEMS BY TWAIN AND MOORE ＇Written about 1865＇
THOSE EVENING BELLS
BY THOMAS MOORE
Those evening bells！ those evening bells！
How many a tale their music tells
Of youth； and home； and that sweet time
When last I heard their soothing chime。
Those joyous hours are passed away；
And many a heart that then was gay；
Within the tomb now darkly dwells；
And hears no more those evening bells。
And so 'twill be when I am gone
That tuneful peal will still ring on；
While other bards shall walk these dells；
And sing your praise； sweet evening bells。
THOSE ANNUAL BILLS
BY MARK TWAIN
These annual bills！ these annual bills！
How many a song their discord trills
Of 〃truck〃 consumed； enjoyed； forgot；
Since I was skinned by last year's lot！
Those joyous beans are passed away；
Those onions blithe； O where are they？
Once loved； lost； mournednow vexing ILLS
Your shades troop back in annual bills！
And so 'twill be when I'm aground
These yearly duns will still go round；
While other bards； with frantic quills；
Shall damn and damn these annual bills！
NIAGARA ＇ Written about 1871。＇
Niagara Falls is a most enjoyable place of resort。 The hotels are
excellent； and the prices not at all exorbitant。 The opportunities for
fishing are not surpassed in the country； in fact； they are not even
equaled elsewhere。 Because； in other localities； certain places in the
streams are much better than others； but at Niagara one place is just as
good as another； for the reason that the fish do not bite anywhere； and
so there is no use in your walking five miles to fish； when you can
depend on being just as unsuccessful nearer home。 The advantages of this
state of things have never heretofore been properly placed before the
public。
The weather is cool in summer； and the walks and drives are all pleasant
and none of them fatiguing。 When you start out to 〃do〃 the Falls you
first drive down about a mile； and pay a small sum for the privilege of
looking down from a precipice into the narrowest part of the Niagara
River。 A railway 〃cut〃 through a hill would be as comely if it had the
angry river tumbling and foaming through its bottom。 You can descend a
staircase here a hundred and fifty feet down； and stand at the edge of
the water。 After you have done it； you will wonder why you did it； but
you will then be too late。
The guide will explain to you； in his blood…curdling way； how he saw the
little steamer； Maid of the Mist； descend the fearful rapidshow first
one paddle…box was out of sight behind the raging billows and then the
other； and at what point it was that her smokestack toppled overboard；
and where her planking began to break and part asunderand how she did
finally live through the trip； after accomplishing the incredible feat of
traveling seventeen miles in six minutes； or six miles in seventeen
minutes； I have really forgotten which。 But it was very extraordinary；
anyhow。 It is worth the price of admission to hear the guide tell the
story nine times in succession to different parties； and never miss a
word or alter a sentence or a gesture。
Then you drive over to Suspension Bridge； and divide your misery between
the chances of smashing down two hundred feet into the river below； and
the chances of having the railway…train overhead smashing down onto you。
Either possibility is discomforting taken by itself； but； mixed together；
they amount in the aggregate to positive unhappiness。
On the Canada side you drive along the chasm between long ranks of
photographers standing guard behind their cameras； ready to make an
ostentatious frontispiece of you and your decaying ambulance； and your
solemn crate with a hide on it； which you are expected to regard in the
light of a horse； and a diminished and unimportant background of sublime
Niagara； and a great many people have the incredible effrontery or the
native depravity to aid and abet this sort of crime。
Any day； in the hands of these photographers； you may see stately
pictures of papa and mamma； Johnny and Bub and Sis or a couple of country
cousins； all smiling vacantly； and all disposed in studied and
uncomfortable attitudes in their carriage； and all looming up in their
awe…inspiring imbecility before the snubbed and diminished presentment of
that majestic presence whose ministering spirits are the rainbows； whose
voice is the thunder； whose awful front is veiled in clouds； who was
monarch here dead and forgotten ages before this hackful of small
reptiles was deemed temporarily necessary to fill a crack in the world's
unnoted myriads； and will still be monarch here ages and decades of ages
after they shall have gathered themselves to their blood…relations； the
other worms； and been mingled with the unremembering dust。
There is no actual harm in making Niagara a background whereon to display
one's marvelous insignificance in a good strong light； but it requires a
sort of superhuman self…complacency to enable one to do it。
When you have examined the stupendous Horseshoe Fall till you are
satisfied you cannot improve on it； you return to America by the new
Suspension Bridge； and follow up the bank to where they exhibit the Cave
of the Winds。
Here I followed instructions； and divested myself of all my clothing； and
put on a waterproof jacket and overalls。 This costume is picturesque；
but not beautiful。 A guide； similarly dressed； led the way down a flight
of winding stairs； which wound and wound； and still kept on winding long
after the thing ceased to be a novelty； and then terminated long before
it had begun to be a pleasure。
