the angel and the author-第31章
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rest of my life。 By this means only could I hope to avoid every
possible faux pas； every solecism。 I should have lived and died a
gentleman。 I could have had it engraved upon my tombstone：
〃He never in his life committed a single act unbecoming to a
gentleman。〃
To be a gentleman is not so easy； perhaps； as a fashionable novelist
imagines。 One is forced to the conclusion that it is not a question
entirely for the outfitter。 My attention was attracted once by a
notice in the window of a West…End emporium； 〃Gentlemen supplied。〃
It is to such like Universal Providers that the fashionable novelist
goes for his gentleman。 The gentleman is supplied to him complete in
every detail。 If the reader be not satisfied； that is the reader's
fault。 He is one of those tiresome； discontented customers who does
not know a good article when he has got it。
I was told the other day of the writer of a musical farce （or is it
comedy？） who was most desirous that his leading character should be a
perfect gentleman。 During the dress rehearsal； the actor
representing the part had to open his cigarette case and request
another perfect gentleman to help himself。 The actor drew forth his
case。 It caught the critical eye of the author。
〃Good heavens！〃 he cried； 〃what do you call that？〃
〃A cigarette case；〃 answered the actor。
〃But； my dear boy；〃 exclaimed the author； 〃surely it is silver？〃
〃I know；〃 admitted the actor； 〃it does perhaps suggest that I am
living beyond my means； but the truth is I picked it up cheap。〃
The author turned to the manager。
〃This won't do；〃 he explained； 〃a real gentleman always carries a
gold cigarette case。 He must be a gentleman； or there's no point in
the plot。〃
〃Don't let us endanger any point the plot may happen to possess； for
goodness sake；〃 agreed the manager； 〃let him by all means have a gold
cigarette case。〃
＇How one may know the perfect Gentleman。＇
So； regardless of expense； a gold cigarette case was obtained and put
down to expenses。 And yet on the first night of that musical play；
when that leading personage smashed a tray over a waiter's head； and；
after a row with the police； came home drunk to his wife； even that
gold cigarette case failed to convince one that the man was a
gentleman beyond all doubt。
The old writers appear to have been singularly unaware of the
importance attaching to these socks； and ties； and cigarette…cases。
They told us merely what the man felt and thought。 What reliance can
we place upon them？ How could they possibly have known what sort of
man he was underneath his clothes？ Tweed or broadcloth is not
transparent。 Even could they have got rid of his clothes there would
have remained his flesh and bones。 It was pure guess…work。 They did
not observe。
The modern writer goes to work scientifically。 He tells us that the
creature wore a made…up tie。 From that we know he was not a
gentleman； it follows as the night the day。 The fashionable novelist
notices the young man's socks。 It reveals to us whether the marriage
would have been successful or a failure。 It is necessary to convince
us that the hero is a perfect gentleman： the author gives him a gold
cigarette case。
A well…known dramatist has left it on record that comedy cannot exist
nowadays； for the simple reason that gentlemen have given up taking
snuff and wearing swords。 How can one have comedy in company with
frock…coatswithout its 〃Las〃 and its 〃Odds Bobs。〃
The sword may have been helpful。 I have been told that at levees
City men； unaccustomed to the thing； have； with its help； provided
comedy for the rest of the company。
But I take it this is not the comedy our dramatist had in mind。
＇Why not an Exhibition of Gentlemen？＇
It seems a pity that comedy should disappear from among us。 If it
depend entirely on swords and snuff…boxes； would it not be worth the
while of the Society of Authors to keep a few gentlemen specially
trained？ Maybe some sympathetic theatrical manager would lend us
costumes of the eighteenth century。 We might provide them with
swords and snuff…boxes。 They might meet； say； once a week； in a
Queen Anne drawing…room； especially prepared by Gillow； and go
through their tricks。 Authors seeking high…class comedy might be
admitted to a gallery。
Perhaps this explains why old…fashioned readers complain that we do
not give them human nature。 How can we？ Ladies and gentlemen
nowadays don't wear the proper clothes。 Evidently it all depends
upon the clothes。
CHAPTER XX
＇Woman and her behaviour。＇
Should women smoke？
The question； in four…inch letters； exhibited on a placard outside a
small newsvendor's shop； caught recently my eye。 The wanderer
through London streets is familiar with such…like appeals to his
decision： 〃Should short men marry tall wives？〃 〃Ought we to cut our
hair？〃 〃Should second cousins kiss？〃 Life's problems appear to be
endless。
Personally； I am not worrying myself whether women should smoke or
not。 It seems to me a question for the individual woman to decide
for herself。 I like women who smoke； I can see no objection to their
smoking。 Smoking soothes the nerves。 Women's nerves occasionally
want soothing。 The tiresome idiot who argues that smoking is
unwomanly denounces the drinking of tea as unmanly。 He is a wooden…
headed person who derives all his ideas from cheap fiction。 The
manly man of cheap fiction smokes a pipe and drinks whisky。 That is
how we know he is a man。 The womanly womanwell； I always feel I
could make a better woman myself out of an old clothes shop and a
hair…dresser's block。
But； as I have said； the question does not impress me as one
demanding my particular attention。 I also like the woman who does
not smoke。 I have met in my time some very charming women who do not
smoke。 It may be a sign of degeneracy； but I am prepared to abdicate
my position of woman's god； leaving her free to lead her own life。
＇Woman's God。＇
Candidly； the responsibility of feeling myself answerable for all a
woman does or does not do would weigh upon me。 There are men who are
willing to take this burden upon themselves； and a large number of
women are still anxious that they should continue to bear it。 I
spoke quite seriously to a young lady not long ago on the subject of
tight lacing； undoubtedly she was injuring her health。 She admitted
it herself。
〃I know all you can say；〃 she wailed； 〃I daresay a lot of it is true。
Those awful pictures where one seeswell； all the things one does
not want to think about。 If they are correct； it must be bad；
squeezing it all up together。〃
〃Then why continue to do so？〃 I argued。
〃Oh； it's easy enough to talk；〃 she explained； 〃a few old fogies like
you〃I had been speaking very plainly to her； and she was cross with
me〃may pretend you don't like small waists； but the average man
does。〃
Poor girl！ She was quite prepared to injure herself for life； to
damage her children's future； to be uncomfortable for fifteen hours a
day； all to oblige the average man。
It is a compliment to our sex。 What man would suffer injury and
torture to please the average woman？ This frenzied desire of woman
to conform to our ideals is touching。 A few daring spirits of late
years have exhibited a tendency to seek for other godsfor ideals of
their own。 We call them the unsexed women。 The womanly women lift
up their hands in horror of such blasphemy。
When I was a boy no womanly woman rode a bicycletricycles were
permitted。 On three wheels you could still be womanly； but on two
you were 〃a creature〃！ The womanly woman； seeing her approach； would
draw down the parlour blind with a jerk； lest the children looking
out might catch a glimpse of her； and their young souls be smirched
for all eternity。
No womanly woman rode inside a hansom or outside a 'bus。 I remember
the day my own dear mother climbed outside a 'bus for the first time
in her life。 She was excited； and cried a little； but nobodyheaven
be praised！saw usthat is； nobody of importance。 And afterw
