the angel and the author-第30章
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
But I still think it would be better were we to heap less ridicule
upon the institution。 Matrimony cannot be 〃holy〃 and ridiculous at
the same time。 We have been familiar with it long enough to make up
our minds in which light to regard it。
CHAPTER XIX
＇Man and his Tailor。＇
What's wrong with the 〃Made…up Tie〃？ I gather from the fashionable
novelist that no man can wear a made…up tie and be a gentleman。 He
may be a worthy man； clever； well…to…do； eligible from every other
point of view； but She； the refined heroine； can never get over the
fact that he wears a made…up tie。 It causes a shudder down her high…
bred spine whenever she thinks of it。 There is nothing else to be
said against him。 There is nothing worse about him than thishe
wears a made…up tie。 It is all sufficient。 No true woman could ever
care for him； no really classy society ever open its doors to him。
I am worried about this thing because； to confess the horrid truth； I
wear a made…up tie myself。 On foggy afternoons I steal out of the
house disguised。 They ask me where I am going in a hat that comes
down over my ears； and why I am wearing blue spectacles and a false
beard； but I will not tell them。 I creep along the wall till I find
a common hosier's shop； and then； in an assumed voice； I tell the man
what it is I want。 They come to fourpence halfpenny each； by taking
the half…dozen I get them for a trifle less。 They are put on in a
moment； and； to my vulgar eye； look neat and tasteful。
Of course； I know I am not a gentleman。 I have given up hopes of
ever being one。 Years ago； when life presented possibilities； I
thought that with pains and intelligence I might become one。 I never
succeeded。 It all depends on being able to tie a bow。 Round the
bed…post； or the neck of the water…jug； I could tie the wretched
thing to perfection。 If only the bed…post or the water…jug could
have taken my place and gone to the party instead of me； life would
have been simpler。 The bed…post and the water…jug； in its neat white
bow； looked like a gentlemanthe fashionable novelist's idea of a
gentleman。 Upon myself the result was otherwise； suggesting always a
feeble attempt at suicide by strangulation。 I could never understand
how it was done。 There were moments when it flashed across me that
the secret lay in being able to turn one's self inside out； coming up
with one's arms and legs the other way round。 Standing on one's head
might have surmounted the difficulty； but the higher gymnastics
Nature has denied to me。 〃The Boneless Wonder〃 or the 〃Man Serpent〃
could； I felt； be a gentleman so easily。 To one to whom has been
given only the common ordinary joints gentlemanliness is apparently
an impossible ideal。
It is not only the tie。 I never read the fashionable novel without
misgiving。 Some hopeless bounder is being described：
〃If you want to know what he is like；〃 says the Peer of the Realm；
throwing himself back in his deep easy…chair； and puffing lazily at
his cigar of delicate aroma； 〃he is the sort of man that wears three
studs in his shirt。〃
＇The difficulty of being a Gentleman。＇
Merciful heavens！ I myself wear three studs in my shirt。 I also am
a hopeless bounder； and I never knew it。 It comes upon me like a
thunderbolt。 I thought three studs were fashionable。 The idiot at
the shop told me three studs were all the rage； and I ordered two
dozen。 I can't afford to throw them away。 Till these two dozen
shirts are worn out； I shall have to remain a hopeless bounder。
Why have we not a Minister of the Fine Arts？ Why does not a paternal
Government fix notices at the street corners； telling the would…be
gentleman how many studs he ought to wear； what style of necktie now
distinguishes the noble…minded man from the base…hearted？ They are
prompt enough with their police regulations； their vaccination
ordersthe higher things of life they neglect。
I select at random another masterpiece of English literature。
〃My dear；〃 says Lady Montresor； with her light aristocratic laugh；
〃you surely cannot seriously think of marrying a man who wears socks
with yellow spots？〃
Lady Emmelina sighs。
〃He is very nice；〃 she murmurs； 〃but I suppose you are right。 I
suppose that sort of man does get on your nerves after a time。〃
〃My dear child；〃 says Lady Montresor； 〃he is impossible。〃
In a cold sweat I rush upstairs into my bedroom。
I thought so： I am always wrong。 All my best socks have yellow
spots。 I rather fancied them。 They were expensive； too； now I come
to think of it。
What am I to do？ If I sacrifice them and get red spots； then red
spots； for all I know； may be wrong。 I have no instinct。 The
fashionable novelist never helps one。 He tells us what is wrong； but
he does not tell us what is right。 It is creative criticism that I
feel the need of。 Why does not the Lady Montresor go on？ Tell me
what sort of socks the ideal lover ought to wear。 There are so many
varieties of socks。 What is a would…be…gentleman to do？ Would it be
of any use writing to the fashionable novelist：…
＇How we might； all of us； be Gentlemen。＇
〃Dear Mr。 Fashionable Novelist （or should it be Miss？）；Before going
to my tailor； I venture to write to you on a subject of some
importance。 I am fairly well educated； of good family and address；
and； so my friends tell me； of passable appearance。 I yearn to
become a gentleman。 If it is not troubling you too much； would you
mind telling me how to set about the business？ What socks and ties
ought I to wear？ Do I wear a flower in my button…hole； or is that a
sign of a coarse mind？ How many buttons on a morning coat show a
beautiful nature？ Does a stand…up collar with a tennis shirt prove
that you are of noble descent； or； on the contrary； stamp you as a
parvenu？ If answering these questions imposes too great a tax on
your time； perhaps you would not mind telling me how you yourself
know these things。 Who is your authority； and when is he at home？ I
should apologize for writing to you but that I feel you will
sympathize with my appeal。 It seems a pity there should be so many
vulgar； ill…bred people in the world when a little knowledge on these
trivial points would enable us all to become gentlemen。 Thanking you
in anticipation； I remain 。 。 。 〃
Would he or she tell us？ Or would the fashionable novelist reply as
I once overheard a harassed mother retort upon one of her inquiring
children。 Most of the afternoon she had been rushing out into the
garden； where games were in progress； to tell the children what they
must not do： 〃Tommy； you know you must not do that。 Haven't you
got any sense at all？〃 〃Johnny； you wicked boy； how dare you do
that； how many more times do you want me to tell you？〃 〃Jane； if you
do that again you will go straight to bed； my girl！〃 and so on。
At length the door was opened from without； and a little face peeped
in： 〃Mother！〃
〃Now； what is it？ can't I ever get a moment's peace？〃
〃Mother； please would you mind telling us something we might do？〃
The lady almost fell back on the floor in her astonishment。 The idea
had never occurred to her。
〃What may you do！ Don't ask me。 I am tired enough of telling you
what not to do。〃
＇Things a Gentleman should never do。＇
I remember when a young man； wishful to conform to the rules of good
society； I bought a book of etiquette for gentlemen。 Its fault was
just this。 It told me through many pages what not to do。 Beyond
that it seemed to have no idea。 I made a list of things it said a
gentleman should NEVER do： it was a lengthy list。
Determined to do the job completely while I was about it； I bought
other books of etiquette and added on their list of 〃Nevers。〃 What
one book left out another supplied。 There did not seem much left for
a gentleman to do。
I concluded by the time I had come to the end of my books； that to be
a true gentleman my safest course would be to stop in bed for the
rest of my life。 By this means only could I hope to avoid every
possible faux pas； every solecism。
