the university of hard knocks-第14章

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st　go　into　the　great　tuning　school　of　life。　Here　the　pegs　are　turned　and　the　strings　are　put　in　tune。　The　music　is　the　knowing。　Learning　is　tuning。

You　do　not　know　what　you　have　memorized；　you　know　what　you　have　vitalized；　what　you　have　written　in　the　book　of　experience。

Gussie　says；　〃I　have　read　it　in　a　book。〃　Bill　Whackem　says；〃　I　know！〃




Reading　and　Knowing


All　of　us　are　Christopher　Columbuses；　discovering　the　same　new…old　continents　of　Truth。　That　is　the　true　happiness　of　lifediscovering　Truth。　We　read　things　in　a　book　and　have　a　hazy　idea　of　them。　We　hear　the　preacher　utter　truths　and　we　say　with　little　feeling；　〃Yes；　that　is　so。〃　We　hear　the　great　truths　of　life　over　and　over　and　we　are　not　excited。　Truth　never　excitesit　is　falsehood　that　excitesuntil　we　discover　it　in　our　lives。　Until　we　see　it　with　our　own　eyes。　Then　there　is　a　thrill。　Then　the　old　truth　becomes　a　new　blessing。　Then　the　oldest；　driest　platitude　crystallizes　into　a　flashing　jewel　to　delight　and　enrich　our　consciousness。　This　joy　of　discovery　is　the　joy　of　living。

There　is　such　a　difference　between　reading　a　thing　and　knowing　a　thing。　We　could　read　a　thousand　descriptions　of　the　sun　and　not　know　the　sun　as　in　one　glimpse　of　it　with　our　own　eyes。

I　used　to　stand　in　the　row　of　blessed　little　rascals　in　the　〃deestrick〃　school　and　read　from　McGuffey's　celebrated　literature；　〃IfI…p…p…playwiththef…f…f…i…i…i…i…r…r…eIwillg…e…e…et　my…y…y…y…yf…f…f…fingersbur…r…r…rnedperiod！〃

I　did　not　learn　it。　I　wish　I　had　learned　by　reading　it　that　if　I　play　with　the　fire　I　will　get　my　fingers　burned。　I　had　to　slap　my　hands　upon　hot　stoves　and　coffee…pots；　and　had　to　get　many　kinds　of　blisters　in　order　to　learn　it。

Then　I　had　to　go　around　showing　the　blisters；　boring　my　friends　and　taking　up　a　collection　of　sympathy。　〃Look　at　my　bad　luck！〃　Fool！

This　is　not　a　lecture。　It　is　a　confession！　It　seems　to　me　if　you　in　the　audience　knew　how　little　I　know；　you　wouldn't　stay。




〃You　Can't　Get　Something　for　Nothing〃


Yes；　I　was　thirty…four　years　learning　that　one　sentence。　〃You　can't　get　something　for　nothing。〃　That　is；　getting　it　in　partial　tune。　It　took　me　so　long　because　I　was　naturally　bright。　It　takes　that　kind　longer　than　a　human　being。　They　are　so　smart　you　cannot　teach　them　with　a　few　bumps。　They　have　to　be　pulverized。

That　sentence　takes　me　back　to　the　days　when　I　was　a　〃hired　man〃　on　the　farm。　You　might　not　think　I　had　ever　been　a　〃hired　man〃　on　the　farm　at　ten　dollars　a　month　and　〃washed；　mended　and　found。〃　You　see　me　here　on　this　platform　in　my　graceful　and　cultured　manner；　and　you　might　not　believe　that　I　had　ever　trained　an　orphan　calf　to　drink　from　a　copper　kettle。　But　I　have　fed　him　the　fingers　of　this　hand　many　a　time。　You　might　not　think　that　I　had　ever　driven　a　yoke　of　oxen　and　had　said　the　words。　But　I　have！

I　remember　the　first　county　fair　I　ever　attended。　Fellow　sufferers；　you　may　remember　that　at　the　county　fair　all　the　people　sort　out　to　their　own　departments。　Some　people　go　to　the　canned　fruit　department。　Some　go　to　the　fancywork　department。　Some　go　to　the　swine　department。　Everybody　goes　to　his　own　department。　Even　the　〃suckers〃！　Did　you　ever　notice　where　they　go？　That　is　where　I　wentto　the　〃trimming　department。〃

I　was　in　the　〃trimming　department〃　in　five　minutes。　Nobody　told　me　where　it　was。　I　didn't　need　to　be　told。　I　gravitated　there。　The　barrel　always　shakes　all　of　one　size　to　one　place。　You　notice　thatin　a　city　all　of　one　size　get　together。

Right　at　the　entrance　to　the　〃local　Midway〃　I　met　a　gentleman。　I　know　he　was　a　gentleman　because　he　said　he　was　a　gentleman。　He　had　a　little　light　table　he　could　move　quickly。　Whenever　the　climate　became　too　sultry　he　would　move　to　greener　pastures。　On　that　table　were　three　little　shells　in　a　row；　and　there　was　a　little　pea　under　the　middle　shell。　I　saw　it　there；　being　naturally　bright。　I　was　the　only　naturally　bright　person　around　the　table；　hence　the　only　one　who　knew　under　which　shell　the　little　round　pea　was　hidden。

Even　the　gentleman　running　the　game　was　fooled。　He　thought　it　was　under　the　end　shell　and　bet　me　money　it　was　under　the　end　shell。　You　see；　this　was　not　gambling；　this　was　a　sure　thing。　（It　was！）　I　had　saved　up　my　money　for　weeks　to　attend　the　fair。　I　bet　it　all　on　that　middle　shell。　I　felt　bad。　It　seemed　like　robbing　father。　And　he　seemed　like　a　real　nice　old　gentleman；　and　maybe　he　had　a　family　to　keep。　But　I　would　teach　him　a　lesson　not　to　〃monkey〃　with　people　like　me；　naturally　bright。

But　I　needn't　have　felt　bad。　I　did　not　rob　father。　Father　cleaned　me　out　of　all　I　had　in　about　five　seconds。

I　went　over　to　the　other　side　of　the　fairgrounds　and　sat　down。　That　was　all　I　had　to　do　nowjust　go；　sit　down。　I　couldn't　see　the　mermaid　now　or　get　into　the　grandstand。

Sadly　I　thought　it　all　over；　but　I　did　not　get　the　right　answer。　I　said　the　thing　every　fool　does　say　when　he　gets　bumped　and　fails　to　learn　the　lesson　from　the　bump。　I　said；　〃Next　time　I　shall　be　more　careful。〃

When　anybody　says　that　he　is　due　for　a　return　date。




I　Bought　the　Soap


Learn？　No！　Within　a　month　I　was　on　the　street　a　Saturday　night　when　another　gentleman　drove　into　town。　He　stopped　on　the　public　square　and　stood　up　in　his　buggy。　〃Let　the　prominent　citizens　gather　around　me；　for　I　am　going　to　give　away　dollars。〃

Immediately　all　the　prominent　〃suckers〃　crowded　around　the　buggy。　〃Gentlemen；　I　am　introducing　this　new　medicinal　soap　that　cures　all　diseases　humanity　is　heir　to。　Now　just　to　introduce　and　advertise；　I　am　putting　these　cakes　of　Wonder　Soap　in　my　hat。　You　see　I　am　wrapping　a　ten…dollar　bill　around　one　cake　and　throwing　it　into　the　hat。　Now　who　will　give　me　five　dollars　for　the　privilege　of　taking　a　cake　of　this　wonderful　soap　from　my　hatany　cake　you　want；　gentlemen！〃

And　right　on　top　of　the　pile　was　the　cake　with　the　ten　wrapped　around　it！　I　jumped　over　the　rest　to　shove　my　five　（two　weeks'　farm　work）　in　his　hands　and　grab　that　bill　cake。　But　the　bill　disappeared。　I　never　knew　where　it　went。　The　man　whipped　up　his　horse　and　also　disappeared。　I　never　knew　where　he　went。




My　〃Fool　Drawer〃


I　grew　older　and　people　began　to　notice　that　I　was　naturally　bright　and　therefore　good　picking。　They　began　to　let　me　in　on　the　ground　floor。　Did　anybody　ever　let　you　in　on　the　ground　floor？　I　never　could　stick。　Whenever　anybody　let　me　in　on　the　ground　floor　it　seemed　like　I　would　always　slide　on　thru　and　land　in　the　cellar。

I　used　to　have　a　drawer　in　my　desk　I　called　my　〃fool　drawer。〃　I　kept　my　investments　in　it。　I　mean；　the　investments　I　did　not　have　to　lock　up。　You　get　the　pathos　of　thatthe　investments　nobody　wanted　to　steal。　And　whenever　I　would　get　unduly　inflated　I　would　open　that　drawer　and　〃view　the　remains。〃

I　had　in　that　drawer　the　deed　to　my　Oklahoma　corner…lots。　Those　lots　were　going　to　double　next　week。　But　they　did　not　double　I　doubled。　They　still　exist　on　the　blueprint　and　the　Oklahoma　metropolis　on　paper　is　yet　a　wide　place　in　the　road。

I　had　in　that　drawer　my　deed　to　my　rubber　plantation。　Did　you　ever　hear　of　a　rubber　plantation　in　Central　America？　That　was　mine。　I　had　there　my　oil　propositions。　What　a　difference；　I　have　learned；　between　an　oil　proposition　and　an　oil　well！　The　learning　has　been　very　expensive。

I　used　to　wonder　how　I　ever　could　spend　my　income。　I　do　not　wonder　now。　I　wonder　how　I　will　make　it。

I　had　in　that　drawer　my　〃Everglade〃　farm。　Did　you　ever　hear　of　the　〃Everglades〃？　I　have　an　alligator　ranch　there。　It　is　below　the　frost…line；　also　below　the　water…line。　I　will　sell　it　by　the　gallon。

I　had　also　a　bale　of　mining　stock。　I　had　stock　in　gold　mines　and　silver　mines。　Nobody　knows　how　much　mining　stock　I　have　owned。　Nobody　could　know　while　I　kept　that　drawer　shut。　As　I　looked　over　my　gold　and　silver　mine　stock；　I　often　noticed　that　it　was　printed　in　green。　I　used　to　wonder　why　they　printed　it　in　greenwonder　if　they　wanted　it　to　harmonize　with　me！　And　I　would　realize　I　had　so　much　to　live　forthe　dividends。　I　have　been　so　near　the　dividends　I　could　smell　them。　Only　one　more　assessment；　then　we　will　cut　the　melon！　I　have　heard　that　all　my　life　and　never　got　a　piece　of　the　rind。




Getting　〃Selected〃