the fatal boots-第6章

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〃Let　us　ask　a　little　party　to　meet　him。〃　　And　so　we　did；　and　so

they　came：　my　father　and　mother；　old　Crutty　in　his　best　wig；　and

the　parson　who　was　to　marry　us　the　next　day。　　The　coach　was　to　come

in　at　six。　　And　there　was　the　tea…table；　and　there　was　the　punch…

bowl；　and　everybody　ready　and　smiling　to　receive　our　dear　uncle

from　London。



Six　o'clock　came；　and　the　coach；　and　the　man　from　the　〃Green

Dragon〃　with　a　portmanteau；　and　a　fat　old　gentleman　walking　behind；

of　whom　I　just　caught　a　glimpsea　venerable　old　gentleman：　I

thought　I'd　seen　him　before。



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Then　there　was　a　ring　at　the　bell；　then　a　scuffling　and　bumping　in

the　passage：　then　old　Crutty　rushed　out；　and　a　great　laughing　and

talking；　and　〃HOW　ARE　YOU？〃　and　so　on；　was　heard　at　the　door；　and

then　the　parlor…door　was　flung　open；　and　Crutty　cried　out　with　a

loud　voice



〃Good　people　all！　my　brother…in…law；　Mr。　STIFFELKIND！〃



MR。　STIFFELKIND！I　trembled　as　I　heard　the　name！



Miss　Crutty　kissed　him；　mamma　made　him　a　curtsy；　and　papa　made　him

a　bow；　and　Dr。　Snorter；　the　parson；　seized　his　hand　and　shook　it

most　warmly：　then　came　my　turn！



〃Vat！〃　says　he。　　〃It　is　my　dear　goot　yong　frend　from　Doctor

Schvis'hentail's！　is　dis　de　yong　gentleman's　honorable　moder〃

（mamma　smiled　and　made　a　curtsy）；　〃and　dis　his　fader？　　Sare　and

madam；　you　should　be　broud　of　soch　a　sonn。　　And　you　my　niece；　if

you　have　him　for　a　husband　you　vill　be　locky；　dat　is　all。　　Vat　dink

you；　broder　Croty；　and　Madame　Stobbs；　I　'ave　made　your　sonn's

boots！　　Haha！〃



My　mamma　laughed；　and　said；　〃I　did　not　know　it；　but　I　am　sure；　sir；

he　has　as　pretty　a　leg　for　a　boot　as　any　in　the　whole　county。〃



Old　Stiffelkind　roared　louder。　　〃A　very　nice　leg；　ma'am；　and　a　very

SHEAP　BOOT　TOO。　　Vat！　did　you　not　know　I　make　his　boots？　　Perhaps

you　did　not　know　something　else　toop'raps　you　did　not　know〃　（and

here　the　monster　clapped　his　hand　on　the　table　and　made　the　punch…

ladle　tremble　in　the　bowl）〃p'raps　you　did　not　know　as　dat　yong

man；　dat　Stobbs；　dat　sneaking；　baltry；　squinting　fellow；　is　as

vicked　as　he　is　ogly。　　He　bot　a　pair　of　boots　from　me　and　never

paid　for　dem。　　Dat　is　noting；　nobody　never　pays；　but　he　bought　a

pair　of　boots；　and　called　himself　Lord　Cornvallis。　　And　I　was　fool

enough　to　believe　him　vonce。　　But　look　you；　niece　Magdalen；　I　'ave

got　five　tousand　pounds：　if　you　marry　him　I　vill　not　give　you　a

benny。　　But　look　you　what　I　will　gif　you：　I　bromised　you　a　bresent；

and　I　will　give　you　DESE！〃



And　the　old　monster　produced　THOSE　VERY　BOOTS　which　Swishtail　had

made　him　take　back。



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I　DIDN'T　marry　Miss　Crutty：　I　am　not　sorry　for　it　though。　　She　was

a　nasty；　ugly；　ill…tempered　wretch；　and　I've　always　said　so　ever

since。



And　all　this　arose　from　those　infernal　boots；　and　that　unlucky

paragraph　in　the　county　paperI'll　tell　you　how。



In　the　first　place；　it　was　taken　up　as　a　quiz　by　one　of　the　wicked；

profligate；　unprincipled　organs　of　the　London　press；　who　chose　to

be　very　facetious　about　the　〃Marriage　in　High　Life；〃　and　made　all

sorts　of　jokes　about　me　and　my　dear　Miss　Crutty。



Secondly；　it　was　read　in　this　London　paper　by　my　mortal　enemy；

Bunting；　who　had　been　introduced　to　old　Stiffelkind's　acquaintance

by　my　adventure　with　him；　and　had　his　shoes　made　regularly　by　that

foreign　upstart。



Thirdly；　he　happened　to　want　a　pair　of　shoes　mended　at　this

particular　period；　and　as　he　was　measured　by　the　disgusting　old

High…Dutch　cobbler；　he　told　him　his　old　friend　Stubbs　was　going　to

be　married。



〃And　to　whom？〃　said　old　Stiffelkind。　　〃To　a　voman　wit　geld；　I　vill

take　my　oath。〃



〃Yes；〃　says　Bunting；　〃a　country　girla　Miss　Magdalen　Carotty　or

Crotty；　at　a　place　called　Sloffemsquiggle。〃



〃SHLOFFEMSCHWIEGEL！〃　bursts　out　the　dreadful　bootmaker。　　〃Mein

Gott；　mein　Gott！　das　geht　nicht！　　I　tell　you；　sare；　it　is　no　go。

Miss　Crotty　is　my　niece。　　I　vill　go　down　myself。　　I　vill　never　let


her　marry　dat　goot…for…nothing　schwindler　and　tief。〃　　SUCH　was　the

language　that　the　scoundrel　ventured　to　use　regarding　me！





JUNE。MARROWBONES　AND　CLEAVERS。





Was　there　ever　such　confounded　ill…luck？　　My　whole　life　has　been　a

tissue　of　ill…luck：　although　I　have　labored　perhaps　harder　than　any

man　to　make　a　fortune；　something　always　tumbled　it　down。　　In　love

and　in　war　I　was　not　like　others。　　In　my　marriages；　I　had　an　eye　to

the　main　chance；　and　you　see　how　some　unlucky　blow　would　come　and

throw　them　over。　　In　the　army　I　was　just　as　prudent；　and　just　as

unfortunate。　　What　with　judicious　betting；　and　horse…swapping；

good…luck　at　billiards；　and　economy；　I　do　believe　I　put　by　my　pay

every　year；and　that　is　what　few　can　say　who　have　but　an　allowance

of　a　hundred　a　year。



I'll　tell　you　how　it　was。　　I　used　to　be　very　kind　to　the　young　men；

I　chose　their　horses　for　them；　and　their　wine：　and　showed　them　how

to　play　billiards；　or　ecarte；　of　long　mornings；　when　there　was

nothing　better　to　do。　　I　didn't　cheat：　I'd　rather　die　than　cheat；

but　if　fellows　WILL　play；　I　wasn't　the　man　to　say　nowhy　should　I？

There　was　one　young　chap　in　our　regiment　of　whom　I　really　think　I

cleared　300L。　a　year。



His　name　was　Dobble。　　He　was　a　tailor's　son；　and　wanted　to　be　a

gentleman。　　A　poor　weak　young　creature；　easy　to　be　made　tipsy；　easy

to　be　cheated；　and　easy　to　be　frightened。　　It　was　a　blessing　for

him　that　I　found　him；　for　if　anybody　else　had；　they　would　have

plucked　him　of　every　shilling。



Ensign　Dobble　and　I　were　sworn　friends。　　I　rode　his　horses　for　him；

and　chose　his　champagne；　and　did　everything；　in　fact；　that　a

superior　mind　does　for　an　inferior；when　the　inferior　has　got　the

money。　　We　were　inseparables；hunting　everywhere　in　couples。　　We

even　managed　to　fall　in　love　with　two　sisters；　as　young　soldiers

will　do；　you　know；　for　the　dogs　fall　in　love；　with　every　change　of

quarters。



Well；　once；　in　the　year　1793　（it　was　just　when　the　French　had

chopped　poor　Louis's　head　off）；　Dobble　and　I；　gay　young　chaps　as

ever　wore　sword　by　side；　had　cast　our　eyes　upon　two　young　ladies　by

the　name　of　Brisket；　daughters　of　a　butcher　in　the　town　where　we

were　quartered。　　The　dear　girls　fell　in　love　with　us；　of　course。

And　many　a　pleasant　walk　in　the　country；　many　a　treat　to　a　tea…

garden；　many　a　smart　ribbon　and　brooch　used　Dobble　and　I　（for　his

father　allowed　him　600L。；　and　our　purses　were　in　common）　present　to

these　young　ladies。　　One　day；　fancy　our　pleasure　at　receiving　a

note　couched　thus：





〃DEER　CAPTING　STUBBS　AND　DOBBLEMiss　Briskets　presents　their

compliments；　and　as　it　is　probble　that　our　papa　will　be　till　twelve

at　the　corprayshun　dinner；　we　request　the　pleasure　of　their　company

to　tea。〃





Didn't　we　go！　　Punctually　at　six　we　were　in　the　little　back…parlor；

we　quaffed　more　Bohea；　and　made　more　love；　than　half　a　dozen

ordinary　men　could。　　At　nine；　a　little　punch…bowl　succeeded　to　the

little　teapot；　and；　bless　the　girls！　a　nice　fresh　steak　was

frizzling　on　the　gridiron　for　our　supper。　　Butchers　were　butchers

then；　and　their　parlor　was　their　kitchen　too；　at　least　old

Brisket's　wasone　door　leading　into　the　shop；　and　one　into　the

yard；　on　the　other　side　of　which　was　the　slaughter…house。



Fancy；　then；　our　horror　when；　just　at　this　critical　time；　we　heard

the　shop…door　open；　a　heavy　staggering　step　on　the　flags；　and　a

loud　husky　voice　from　the　shop；　shouting；　〃Hallo；　Susan；　hallo；

Betsy！　show　a　light！〃　　Dobble　turned　as　white　as　a　sheet；　the　two

girls　each　as　red　as　a　lobster；　I　alone　preserved　my　presence　of

mind。　　〃The　back…door；〃　says　I〃The　dog's　in　the　court；〃　say　they。

〃He's　not　so　bad　as　the　man；〃　said　I。　　〃Stop！〃　cries　Susan；

flinging　open　the　door；　and　rushing　to　the　fire。　　〃Take　THIS　and

perhaps　it　will　quiet　him。〃



What　do　you　think　〃THIS〃　was？　　I'm　blest　if　it　was　not　the　STEAK！



She　pushe