the fatal boots-第1章

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The　Fatal　Boots


by　William　Makepeace　Thackeray







January。The　Birth　of　the　Year



February。Cutting　Weather



March。Showery



April。Fooling



May。Restoration　Day



June。Marrowbones　and　Cleavers



July。Summary　Proceedings



August。Dogs　have　their　Days



September。Plucking　a　Goose



October。Mars　and　Venus　in　Opposition



November。A　General　Post　Delivery



December。〃The　Winter　of　Our　Discontent〃









THE　FATAL　BOOTS





JANUARY。THE　BIRTH　OF　THE　YEAR。





Some　poet　has　observed；　that　if　any　man　would　write　down　what　has

really　happened　to　him　in　this　mortal　life；　he　would　be　sure　to

make　a　good　book；　though　he　never　had　met　with　a　single　adventure

from　his　birth　to　his　burial。　　How　much　more；　then；　must　I；　who

HAVE　had　adventures；　most　singular；　pathetic；　and　unparalleled；　be

able　to　compile　an　instructive　and　entertaining　volume　for　the　use

of　the　public。



I　don't　mean　to　say　that　I　have　killed　lions；　or　seen　the　wonders

of　travel　in　the　deserts　of　Arabia　or　Prussia；　or　that　I　have　been

a　very　fashionable　character；　living　with　dukes　and　peeresses；　and

writing　my　recollections　of　them；　as　the　way　now　is。　　I　never　left

this　my　native　isle；　nor　spoke　to　a　lord　（except　an　Irish　one；　who

had　rooms　in　our　house；　and　forgot　to　pay　three　weeks'　lodging　and

extras）；　but；　as　our　immortal　bard　observes；　I　have　in　the　course

of　my　existence　been　so　eaten　up　by　the　slugs　and　harrows　of

outrageous　fortune；　and　have　been　the　object　of　such　continual　and

extraordinary　ill…luck；　that　I　believe　it　would　melt　the　heart　of　a

milestone　to　read　of　itthat　is；　if　a　milestone　had　a　heart　of

anything　but　stone。



Twelve　of　my　adventures；　suitable　for　meditation　and　perusal　during

the　twelve　months　of　the　year；　have　been　arranged　by　me　for　this

work。　　They　contain　a　part　of　the　history　of　a　great；　and；

confidently　I　may　say；　a　GOOD　man。　　I　was　not　a　spendthrift　like

other　men。　　I　never　wronged　any　man　of　a　shilling；　though　I　am　as

sharp　a　fellow　at　a　bargain　as　any　in　Europe。　　I　never　injured　a

fellow…creature；　on　the　contrary；　on　several　occasions；　when

injured　myself；　have　shown　the　most　wonderful　forbearance。　　I　come

of　a　tolerably　good　family；　and　yet；　born　to　wealthof　an

inoffensive　disposition；　careful　of　the　money　that　I　had；　and　eager

to　get　more；I　have　been　going　down　hill　ever　since　my　journey　of

life　began；　and　have　been　pursued　by　a　complication　of　misfortunes

such　as　surely　never　happened　to　any　man　but　the　unhappy　Bob

Stubbs。



Bob　Stubbs　is　my　name；　and　I　haven't　got　a　shilling：　I　have　borne

the　commission　of　lieutenant　in　the　service　of　King　George；　and　am

NOWbut　never　mind　what　I　am　now；　for　the　public　will　know　in　a

few　pages　more。　　My　father　was　of　the　Suffolk　Stubbsesa　well…to…

do　gentleman　of　Bungay。　　My　grandfather　had　been　a　respected

attorney　in　that　town；　and　left　my　papa　a　pretty　little　fortune。　　I

was　thus　the　inheritor　of　competence；　and　ought　to　be　at　this

moment　a　gentleman。



My　misfortunes　may　be　said　to　have　commenced　about　a　year　before　my

birth；　when　my　papa；　a　young　fellow　pretending　to　study　the　law　in

London；　fell　madly　in　love　with　Miss　Smith；　the　daughter　of　a

tradesman；　who　did　not　give　her　a　sixpence；　and　afterwards　became

bankrupt。　　My　papa　married　this　Miss　Smith；　and　carried　her　off　to

the　country；　where　I　was　born；　in　an　evil　hour　for　me。



Were　I　to　attempt　to　describe　my　early　years；　you　would　laugh　at　me

as　an　impostor；　but　the　following　letter　from　mamma　to　a　friend；

after　her　marriage；　will　pretty　well　show　you　what　a　poor　foolish

creature　she　was；　and　what　a　reckless　extravagant　fellow　was　my

other　unfortunate　parent：





〃TO　MISS　ElIZA　KICKS；　IN　GRACECHURCH　STREET；　LONDON。



〃OH；　ELIZA！　your　Susan　is　the　happiest　girl　under　heaven！　　My

Thomas　is　an　angel！　not　a　tall　grenadier…like　looking　fellow；　such

as　I　always　vowed　I　would　marry：on　the　contrary；　he　is　what　the

world　would　call　dumpy；　and　I　hesitate　not　to　confess；　that　his

eyes　have　a　cast　in　them。　　But　what　then？　when　one　of　his　eyes　is

fixed　on　me；　and　one　on　my　babe；　they　are　lighted　up　with　an

affection　which　my　pen　cannot　describe；　and　which；　certainly；　was

never　bestowed　upon　any　woman　so　strongly　as　upon　your　happy　Susan

Stubbs。



〃When　he　comes　home　from　shooting；　or　the　farm；　if　you　COULD　see

dear　Thomas　with　me　and　our　dear　little　Bob！　as　I　sit　on　one　knee；

and　baby　on　the　other；　and　as　he　dances　us　both　about。　　I　often

wish　that　we　had　Sir　Joshua；　or　some　great　painter；　to　depict　the

group；　for　sure　it　is　the　prettiest　picture　in　the　whole　world；　to

see　three　such　loving　merry　people。



〃Dear　baby　is　the　most　lovely　little　creature　that　CAN　POSSIBLY

BE；the　very　IMAGE　of　papa；　he　is　cutting　his　teeth；　and　the

delight　of　EVERYBODY。　　Nurse　says　that；　when　he　is　older　he　will

get　rid　of　his　squint；　and　his　hair　will　get　a　GREAT　DEAL　less　red。

Doctor　Bates　is　as　kind；　and　skilful；　and　attentive　as　we　could

desire。　　Think　what　a　blessing　to　have　had　him！　　Ever　since　poor

baby's　birth；　it　has　never　had　a　day　of　quiet；　and　he　has　been

obliged　to　give　it　from　three　to　four　doses　every　week；how

thankful　ought　we　to　be　that　the　DEAR　THING　is　as　well　as　it　is！

It　got　through　the　measles　wonderfully；　then　it　had　a　little　rash；

and　then　a　nasty　hooping…cough；　and　then　a　fever；　and　continual

pains　in　its　poor　little　stomach；　crying；　poor　dear　child；　from

morning　till　night。



〃But　dear　Tom　is　an　excellent　nurse；　and　many　and　many　a　night　has

he　had　no　sleep；　dear　man！　in　consequence　of　the　poor　little　baby。

He　walks　up　and　down　with　it　FOR　HOURS；　singing　a　kind　of　song

（dear　fellow；　he　has　no　more　voice　than　a　tea…kettle）；　and　bobbing

his　head　backwards　and　forwards；　and　looking；　in　his　nightcap　and

dressing…gown；　SO　DROLL。　　Oh；　Eliza！　how　you　would　laugh　to　see

him。



〃We　have　one　of　the　best　nursemaids　IN　THE　WORLD；an　Irishwoman；

who　is　as　fond　of　baby　almost　as　his　mother　（but　that　can　NEVER

BE）。　　She　takes　it　to　walk　in　the　park　for　hours　together；　and　I

really　don't　know　why　Thomas　dislikes　her。　　He　says　she　is　tipsy；

very　often；　and　slovenly；　which　I　cannot　conceive；to　be　sure；　the

nurse　is　sadly　dirty；　and　sometimes　smells　very　strong　of　gin。



〃But　what　of　that？these　little　drawbacks　only　make　home　more

pleasant。　　When　one　thinks　how　many　mothers　have　NO　nursemaids：　how

many　poor　dear　children　have　no　doctors：　ought　we　not　to　be

thankful　for　Mary　Malowney；　and　that　Dr。　Bates's　bill　is　forty…

seven　pounds？　　How　ill　must　dear　baby　have　been；　to　require　so　much

physic！



〃But　they　are　a　sad　expense；　these　dear　babies；　after　all。　　Fancy；

Eliza；　how　much　this　Mary　Malowney　costs　us。　　Ten　shillings　every

week；　a　glass　of　brandy　or　gin　at　dinner；　three　pint…bottles　of　Mr。

Thrale's　best　porter　every　day；making　twenty…one　in　a　week；　and

nine　hundred　and　ninety　in　the　eleven　months　she　has　been　with　us。

Then；　for　baby；　there　is　Dr。　Bates's　bill　of　forty…five　guineas；

two　guineas　for　christening；　twenty　for　a　grand　christening　supper

and　ball　（rich　uncle　John　mortally　offended　because　he　was　made

godfather；　and　had　to　give　baby　a　silver　cup：　he　has　struck　Thomas

out　of　his　will：　and　old　Mr。　Firkin　quite　as　much　hurt　because　he

was　NOT　asked：　he　will　not　speak　to　me　or　Thomas　in　consequence）

twenty　guineas　for　flannels；　laces；　little　gowns；　caps；　napkins；

and　such　baby's　ware：　and　all　this　out　of　300L。　a　year！　　But　Thomas

expects　to　make　A　GREAT　DEAL　by　his　farm。



〃We　have　got　the　most　charming　country…house　YOU　CAN　IMAGINE：　it　is

QUITE　SHUT　IN　by　trees；　and　so　retired　that；　though　only　thirty

miles　from　London；　the　post　comes　to　us　but　once　a　week。　　The

roads；　it　must　be　confessed；　are　execrable；　it　is　winter　now；　and

we　are　up　to　our　knees　in　mud　and　snow。　　But　oh；　Eliza！　how　happy

we　are：　with　Thomas　（he　has　had　a　sad　attack　of　rheumatism；　dear

man！）　and　little　Bobby；　and