we two-第19章
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ns station the school boy in the corner； who had been growing more restless and excited every hour； sprung from the carriage to greet a small crowd of relations who were waiting to welcome him。 She saw him rush to his mother； heard a confused affectionate babel of inquiries； congratulations； laughter。 Oh！ To think of that happy light…heartedness and the contrast between it and her grief。 The laughter seemed positively to cut her； she could have screamed from sheer pain。 And； as if cruel contrasts were fated to confront her； no sooner had her father established her in the cabin on board the steamer； than two bright looking English girls settled themselves close by； and began chatting merrily about the new year； and the novel beginning it would be on board a Channel steamer。 Erica tried to stop her ears that she might not hear the discussion of all the forthcoming gayeties。 〃Lady Reedham's dance on Thursday； our own； you know； next week；〃 etc。； etc。 But she could not shut out the sound of the merry voices； or that wounding laughter。
Presently an exclamation made her look and listen。
〃Hark！〃 said one of her fellow passengers。 〃We shall start now； I hear the clock striking twelve。 A happy new year to you； Lily； and all possible good fortune。〃
〃Happy new year！〃 echoed from different corners of the cabin； the little Sister of Mercy knelt down and told her beads； the rest of the passengers talked； congratulated； laughed。 Erica would have given worlds to be able to cry； but she could not。 The terrible mockery of her surroundings was too great； however； to be borne； her heart seemed like ice； her head like fire； with a sort of feverish strength she rushed out of the cabin； stumbled up the companion； and ran as if by instinct to that part of the deck where a tall； solitary figure stood up darkly in the dim light。
〃It's too cold for you； my child；〃 said Raeburn； turning round at her approach。
〃Oh； father； let me stay with you；〃 sobbed Erica； 〃I can't bear it alone。〃
Perhaps he was glad to have her near him for his own sake； perhaps he recognized the truth to which she unconsciously testified that human nature does at times cry out for something other than self； stronger and higher。
He raised no more objections； they listened in silence till the sound of the church bells died away in the distance； and then he found a more sheltered seat and wrapped her up closely in his own plaid； and together they began their new year。 The first lull in Erica's pain came in that midnight crossing； the heaving of the boat； the angry dashing of the waves； the foam…laden wind； all seemed to relieve her。 Above all there was comfort in the strong protecting arm round her。 Yet she was too crushed and numb to be able to wish for anything but that the end might come for her there； that together they might sink down into the painless silence of death。
Raeburn only spoke once throughout the passage； instinctively he knew what was passing in Erica's mind。 He spoke the only word of comfort which he had to speak： a noble one； though just then very insufficient：
〃There is work to be done。〃
Then came the dreary landing in the middle of the dark winter's night； and presently they were again in a railway carriage； but this time alone。 Raeburn made her lie down； and himself fell asleep in the opposite corner； he had been traveling uninterruptedly for twenty hours； had received a shock which had tried him very greatly； now from sheer exhaustion he slept。 But Erica； to whom the grief was more new； could not sleep。 Every minute the pain of realization grew keener。 Here she was in England once more； this was the journey she had so often thought of and planned。 This was going home。 Oh； the dreariness of the reality when compared with those bright expectations。 And yet it was neither this thought nor the actual fact of her mother's death which first brought the tears to her burning eyes。
Wearily shifting her position； she looked across to the other side of the carriage； and saw； as if in a picture； her father。 Raeburn was a comparatively young man； very little over forty； but his anxieties and the almost incredible amount of hard work of the past two years had told upon him； and had turned his hair gray。 There was something in his stern set face； in the strong man's reserved grief； in the pose of his grand…looking head； dignified； even in exhaustion； that was strangely pathetic。 Erica scarcely seemed to realize that he was her father。 It was more as if she were gazing at some scene on the stage； or on a wonderfully graphic and heart…stirring picture。 The pathos and sadness of it took hold of her； she burst into a passion of tears； turned her face from the light； and cried as if no power on earth could ever stop her； her long…drawn sobs allowed to go unchecked since the noise of the train made them inaudible。 She was so little given to tears； as a rule； that now they positively frightened her； nor could she understand how； with a real and terrible grief for which she could not weep； the mere pathetic sight should have brought down her tears like rain。 But the outburst brought relief with it； for it left her so exhausted that for a brief half hour she slept； and awoke just before they reached London； with such a frightful headache that the physical pain numbed the mental。
〃How soon shall we be〃 home she would have said； but the word choked her。 〃How soon shall we get there？〃 she asked faintly。 She was so ill； so weary； that the mere thought of being still again even in the death…visited homewas a relief； and she was really too much worn out to feel very acutely while they drove through the familiar streets。
At last； early in the cold； new year's morning； they were set down in Guilford Square； at the grim entrance to Persecution Alley。 She looked round at the gray old houses with a shudder； then her father drew her arm within his； and led her down the dreary little cul…de…sac。 There was the house； looking the same as ever； and there was Aunt Jean coming forward to meet them； with a strange new tenderness in her voice and look； and there was Tom in the background； seeming half shy and afraid to meet her in her grief； and there； above all； was the one great eternal void。
To watch beside the dying must be anguish； and yet surely not such keen anguish as to have missed the last moments； the last farewells； the last chance of serving。 For those who have to come back to the empty house； the home which never can be home again； may God comfort themno one else can。
Stillness； and food； and brief snatches of sleep somewhat restored Erica。 Late in the afternoon she was strong enough to go into her mother's room； for that last look so inexpressibly painful to all； so entirely void of hope or comfort to those who believe in no hereafter。 Not even the peacefulness of death was there to give even a slight； a momentary relief to her pain； she scarcely even recognized her mother。 Was that； indeed； all that was left？ That pale； rigid； utterly changed face and form？ Was that her mother？ Could that once have been her mother？ Very often had she heard this great change wrought by death referred to in discussions； she knew well the arguments which were brought forward by the believers in immortality； the counter arguments with which her father invariably met them； and which had always seemed to her conclusive。 But somehow that which seemed satisfactory in the lecture hall did not answer in the room of death。 Her whole being seemed to flow out into one longing question： Might there not be a Beyondan Unseen？ Was this world indeed only
〃A place to stand and love in for an hour； With darkness and the death…hour rounding it？〃
She had slept in the afternoon； but at night； when all was still； she could not sleep。 The question still lurked in her mind； her sorrow and loneliness grew almost unbearable。 She thought if she could only make herself cry again perhaps she might sleep； and she took down a book about Giordano Bruno； and read the account of his martyrdom； an account which always moved her very much。 But tonight not even the description of the valiant unshrinking martyr of Free…thought ascending the scaffold to meet
