the autobiography of a quack-第13章

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　to　me　than　snakes；　or　the　twitchy　old　woman　with　her　wide　eyes　of　glass；　and　that　jerk；　jerk；　to　right。

I　decided　to　go　back　to　Boston。　I　got　to　New　York　prudently　in　a　roundabout　way；　and　in　two　weeks'　time　was　traveling　east　from　Albany。

I　felt　well；　and　my　spirits　began　at　last　to　rise　to　their　usual　level。　When　I　arrived　in　Boston　I　set　myself　to　thinking　how　best　I　could　contrive　to　enjoy　life　and　at　the　same　time　to　increase　my　means。　I　possessed　sufficient　capital；　and　was　able　and　ready　to　embark　in　whatever　promised　the　best　returns　with　the　smallest　personal　risks。　I　settled　myself　in　a　suburb；　paid　off　a　few　pressing　claims；　and　began　to　reflect　with　my　ordinary　sagacity。

We　were　now　in　the　midst　of　a　most　absurd　war　with　the　South；　and　it　was　becoming　difficult　to　escape　the　net　of　conscription。　It　might　be　wise　to　think　of　this　in　time。　Europe　seemed　a　desirable　residence；　but　I　needed　more　money　to　make　this　agreeable；　and　an　investment　for　my　brains　was　what　I　wanted　most。　Many　schemes　presented　themselves　as　worthy　the　application　of　industry　and　talent；　but　none　of　them　altogether　suited　my　case。　I　thought　at　times　of　traveling　as　a　physiological　lecturer；　combining　with　it　the　business　of　a　practitioner：　scare　the　audience　at　night　with　an　enumeration　of　symptoms　which　belong　to　ten　out　of　every　dozen　healthy　people；　and　then　doctor　such　of　them　as　are　gulls　enough　to　consult　me　next　day。　The　bigger　the　fright　the　better　the　pay。　I　was　a　little　timid；　however；　about　facing　large　audiences；　as　a　man　　will　be　naturally　if　he　has　lived　a　life　of　adventure；　so　that　upon　due　consideration　I　gave　up　the　idea　altogether。

The　patent　medicine　business　also　looked　well　enough；　but　it　is　somewhat　overdone　at　all　times；　and　requires　a　heavy　outlay；　with　the　probable　result　of　ill　success。　Indeed；　I　believe　one　hundred　quack　remedies　fail　for　one　that　succeeds；　and　millions　must　have　been　wasted　in　placards；　bills；　and　advertisements；　which　never　returned　half　their　value　to　the　speculator。　I　think　I　shall　some　day　beguile　my　time　with　writing　an　account　of　the　principal　quack　remedies　which　have　met　with　success。　They　are　few　in　number；　after　all；　as　any　one　must　know　who　recalls　the　countless　pills　and　tonics　which　are　puffed　awhile　on　the　fences；　and　disappear；　to　be　heard　of　no　more。

Lastly；　I　inclined　for　a　while　to　undertake　a　private　insane　asylum；　which　appeared　to　me　to　offer　facilities　for　money…making；　as　to　which；　however；　I　may　have　been　deceived　by　the　writings　of　certain　popular　novelists。　I　went　so　far；　I　may　say；　as　actually　to　visit　Concord　for　the　purpose　of　finding　a　pleasant　locality　and　a　suitable　atmosphere。　Upon　reflection　I　abandoned　my　plans；　as　　involving　too　much　personal　labor　to　suit　one　　of　my　easy　frame　of　mind。

Tired　at　last　of　idleness　and　lounging　on　the　Common；　I　engaged　in　two　or　three　little　ventures　of　a　semi…professional　character；　such　as　an　exhibition　of　laughing…gas；　advertising　to　cure　cancer；‘‘Send　twenty…five　stamps　by　mail　to　J。　B。；　and　receive　an　infallible　receipt；''etc。　I　did　not　find；　however；　that　these　little　enterprises　prospered　well　in　New　England；　and　I　had　recalled　very　forcibly　a　story　which　my　father　was　fond　of　relating　to　me　in　my　boyhood。　It　was　about　how　certain　very　knowing　flies　went　to　get　molasses；　and　how　it　ended　by　the　molasses　getting　them。　This；　indeed；　was　precisely　what　happened　to　me　in　all　my　efforts　to　better　myself　in　the　Northern　States；　until　at　length　my　misfortunes　climaxed　in　total　and　unexpected　ruin。

Having　been　very　economical；　I　had　now　about　twenty…seven　hundred　dollars。　It　was　none　too　much。　At　this　time　I　made　the　acquaintance　of　a　sea…captain　from　Maine。　He　told　me　that　he　and　two　others　had　chartered　a　smart　little　steamer　to　run　to　Jamaica　with　a　variety　cargo。　In　fact；　he　meant　to　run　into　Wilmington　or　Charleston；　and　he　　was　to　carry　quinine；　chloroform；　and　other　medical　requirements　for　the　Confederates。　He　needed　twenty…five　hundred　dollars　more；　and　a　doctor　to　buy　the　kind　of　things　which　army　surgeons　require。　Of　course　I　was　prudent　and　he　careful；　but　at　last；　on　his　proving　to　me　that　there　was　no　risk；　I　agreed　to　expend　his　money；　his　friends'；　and　my　own　up　to　twenty…five　hundred　dollars。　I　saw　the　other　men；　one　of　them　a　rebel　captain。　I　was　well　pleased　with　the　venture；　and　resolved　for　obvious　reasons　to　go　with　them　on　the　steamer。　It　was　a　promising　investment；　and　I　am　free　to　reflect　that　in　this；　as　in　some　other　things；　I　have　been　free　from　vulgar　prejudices。　I　bought　all　that　we　needed；　and　was　well　satisfied　when　it　was　cleverly　stowed　away　in　the　hold。

We　were　to　sail　on　a　certain　Thursday　morning　in　September；　1863。　I　sent　my　trunk　to　the　vessel；　and　went　down　the　evening　before　we　were　to　start　to　go　on　board；　but　found　that　the　little　steamer　had　been　hauled　out　from　the　pier。　The　captain；　who　met　me　at　this　time；　endeavored　to　get　a　boat　to　ferry　us　to　the　ship；　but　a　gale　was　blowing；　and　he　advised　me　to　wait　until　　morning。　My　associates　were　already　on　board。　Early　next　day　I　dressed　and　went　to　the　captain's　room；　which　proved　to　be　empty。　I　was　instantly　filled　with　doubt；　and　ran　frantically　to　the　Long　Wharf；　where；　to　my　horror；　I　could　see　no　signs　of　the　vessel　or　captain。　Neither　have　I　ever　set　eyes　on　them　from　that　time　to　this。　I　thought　of　lodging　information　with　the　police　as　to　the　unpatriotic　design　of　the　rascal　who　swindled　me；　but　on　the　whole　concluded　that　it　was　best　to　hold　my　tongue。

It　was；　as　I　perceived；　such　utterly　spilt　milk　as　to　be　little　worth　lamenting；　and　I　therefore　set　to　work；　with　my　accustomed　energy；　to　utilize　on　my　own　behalf　the　resources　of　my　medical　education；　which　so　often　before　had　saved　me　from　want。　The　war；　then　raging　at　its　height；　appeared　to　offer　numerous　opportunities　to　men　of　talent。　The　path　which　I　chose　was　apparently　a　humble　one；　but　it　enabled　me　to　make　very　practical　use　of　my　professional　knowledge；　and　afforded　for　a　time　rapid　and　secure　returns；　without　any　other　investment　than　a　little　knowledge　cautiously　employed。　In　the　first　place；　I　deposited　my　small　remnant　of　property　in　a　safe　bank。　Then　I　went　to　　Providence；　where；　as　I　had　heard；　patriotic　persons　were　giving　very　large　bounties　in　order；　I　suppose；　to　insure　the　government　the　services　of　better　men　than　themselves。　On　my　arrival　I　lost　no　time　in　offering　myself　as　a　substitute；　and　was　readily　accepted；　and　very　soon　mustered　into　the　Twentieth　Rhode　Island。　Three　months　were　passed　in　camp；　during　which　period　I　received　bounty　to　the　extent　of　six　hundred　and　fifty　dollars；　with　which　I　tranquilly　deserted　about　two　hours　before　the　regiment　left　for　the　field。　With　the　product　of　my　industry　I　returned　to　Boston；　and　deposited　all　but　enough　to　carry　me　to　New　York；　where　within　a　month　I　enlisted　twice；　earning　on　each　occasion　four　hundred　dollars。

After　this　I　thought　it　wise　to　try　the　same　game　in　some　of　the　smaller　towns　near　to　Philadelphia。　I　approached　my　birthplace　with　a　good　deal　of　doubt；　but　I　selected　a　regiment　in　camp　at　Norristown；　which　is　eighteen　miles　away。　Here　I　got　nearly　seven　hundred　dollars　by　entering　the　service　as　a　substitute　for　an　editor；　whose　pen；　I　presume；　was　mightier　than　his　sword。　I　was；　however；　disagreeably　surprised　by　being　hastily　forwarded　to　the　front　under　a　foxy　　young　lieutenant；　who　brutally　shot　down　a　poor　devil　in　the　streets　of　Baltimore　for　attempting　to　desert。　At　this　point　I　began　to　make　use　of　my　medical　skill；　for　I　did　not　in　the　least　degree　fancy　being　shot；　either　because　of　deserting　or　of　not　deserting。　It　happened；　therefore；　that　a　day　or　two　later；　while　in　Washington；　I　was　seized　in　the　street　with　a　fit；　which　perfectly　imposed　upon　the　officer　in　charge；　and　caused　him　to　leave　me　at　the　Douglas　Hospital。　Here　I　found　it　necessary　to　perform　fits　about　twice　a　week；　and　as　there　were　several　real　epileptics　in　the　ward；　I　had　a　capital　chance　of　studying　their　symptoms；　which；　finally；　I　learned　to　imitate　with　the　utmost　cleverness。

I　soon　got　to　know　three　or　four　men　who；　like　myself；　were　personally　averse　to　bullets；　and　who　were　simulating