desperate remedies-第4章

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late　with　him。　　He　said；　〃Owen；　don't　love　too　blindly：　　blindly　you
will　love　if　you　love　at　all；　but　a　little　care　is　still　possible　to
a　well…disciplined　heart。　　May　that　heart　be　yours　as　it　was　not
mine；〃　father　said。　　〃Cultivate　the　art　of　renunciation。〃　　And　I　am
going　to；　Cytherea。'

'And　once　mamma　said　that　an　excellent　woman　was　papa's　ruin；
because　he　did　not　know　the　way　to　give　her　up　when　he　had　lost　her。
I　wonder　where　she　is　now；　Owen？　　We　were　told　not　to　try　to　find
out　anything　about　her。　　Papa　never　told　us　her　name；　did　he？'

'That　was　by　her　own　request；　I　believe。　　But　never　mind　her；　she
was　not　our　mother。'

The　love　affair　which　had　been　Ambrose　Graye's　disheartening　blow
was　precisely　of　that　nature　which　lads　take　little　account　of；　but
girls　ponder　in　their　hearts。

5。　　FROM　OCTOBER　THE　NINETEENTH　TO　JULY　THE　NINTH

Thus　Ambrose　Graye's　good　intentions　with　regard　to　the
reintegration　of　his　property　had　scarcely　taken　tangible　form　when
his　sudden　death　put　them　for　ever　out　of　his　power。

Heavy　bills；　showing　the　extent　of　his　obligations；　tumbled　in
immediately　upon　the　heels　of　the　funeral　from　quarters　previously
unheard　and　unthought　of。　　Thus　pressed；　a　bill　was　filed　in
Chancery　to　have　the　assets；　such　as　they　were；　administered　by　the
Court。

'What　will　become　of　us　now？'　thought　Owen　continually。

There　is　in　us　an　unquenchable　expectation；　which　at　the　gloomiest
time　persists　in　inferring　that　because　we　are　OURSELVES；　there　must
be　a　special　future　in　store　for　us；　though　our　nature　and
antecedents　to　the　remotest　particular　have　been　common　to
thousands。　　Thus　to　Cytherea　and　Owen　Graye　the　question　how　their
lives　would　end　seemed　the　deepest　of　possible　enigmas。　　To　others
who　knew　their　position　equally　well　with　themselves　the　question
was　the　easiest　that　could　be　asked'Like　those　of　other　people
similarly　circumstanced。'

Then　Owen　held　a　consultation　with　his　sister　to　come　to　some
decision　on　their　future　course；　and　a　month　was　passed　in　waiting
for　answers　to　letters；　and　in　the　examination　of　schemes　more　or
less　futile。　　Sudden　hopes　that　were　rainbows　to　the　sight　proved
but　mists　to　the　touch。　　In　the　meantime；　unpleasant　remarks；
disguise　them　as　some　well…meaning　people　might；　were　floating
around　them　every　day。　　The　undoubted　truth；　that　they　were　the
children　of　a　dreamer　who　let　slip　away　every　farthing　of　his　money
and　ran　into　debt　with　his　neighboursthat　the　daughter　had　been
brought　up　to　no　professionthat　the　son　who　had；　had　made　no
progress　in　it；　and　might　come　to　the　dogscould　not　from　the
nature　of　things　be　wrapped　up　in　silence　in　order　that　it　might　not
hurt　their　feelings；　and　as　a　matter　of　fact；　it　greeted　their　ears
in　some　form　or　other　wherever　they　went。　　Their　few　acquaintances
passed　them　hurriedly。　　Ancient　pot…wallopers；　and　thriving
shopkeepers；　in　their　intervals　of　leisure；　stood　at　their　shop…
doorstheir　toes　hanging　over　the　edge　of　the　step；　and　their　obese
waists　hanging　over　their　toesand　in　discourses　with　friends　on
the　pavement；　formulated　the　course　of　the　improvident；　and　reduced
the　children's　prospects　to　a　shadow…like　attenuation。　　The　sons　of
these　men　（who　wore　breastpins　of　a　sarcastic　kind；　and　smoked
humorous　pipes）　stared　at　Cytherea　with　a　stare　unmitigated　by　any
of　the　respect　that　had　formerly　softened　it。

Now　it　is　a　noticeable　fact　that　we　do　not　much　mind　what　men　think
of　us；　or　what　humiliating　secret　they　discover　of　our　means；
parentage；　or　object；　provided　that　each　thinks　and　acts　thereupon
in　isolation。　　It　is　the　exchange　of　ideas　about　us　that　we　dread
most；　and　the　possession　by　a　hundred　acquaintances；　severally
insulated；　of　the　knowledge　of　our　skeleton…closet's　whereabouts；　is
not　so　distressing　to　the　nerves　as　a　chat　over　it　by　a　party　of
half…a…dozenexclusive　depositaries　though　these　may　be。

Perhaps；　though　Hocbridge　watched　and　whispered；　its　animus　would
have　been　little　more　than　a　trifle　to　persons　in　thriving
circumstances。　　But　unfortunately；　poverty；　whilst　it　is　new；　and
before　the　skin　has　had　time　to　thicken；　makes　people　susceptible
inversely　to　their　opportunities　for　shielding　themselves。　　In　Owen
was　found；　in　place　of　his　father's　impressibility；　a　larger　share
of　his　father's　pride；　and　a　squareness　of　idea　which；　if　coupled
with　a　little　more　blindness；　would　have　amounted　to　positive
prejudice。　　To　him　humanity；　so　far　as　he　had　thought　of　it　at　all；
was　rather　divided　into　distinct　classes　than　blended　from　extreme
to　extreme。　　Hence　by　a　sequence　of　ideas　which　might　be　traced　if
it　were　worth　while；　he　either　detested　or　respected　opinion；　and
instinctively　sought　to　escape　a　cold　shade　that　mere　sensitiveness
would　have　endured。　　He　could　have　submitted　to　separation；
sickness；　exile；　drudgery；　hunger　and　thirst；　with　stoical
indifference；　but　superciliousness　was　too　incisive。

After　living　on　for　nine　months　in　attempts　to　make　an　income　as　his
father's　successor　in　the　professionattempts　which　were　utterly
fruitless　by　reason　of　his　inexperienceGraye　came　to　a　simple　and
sweeping　resolution。　　They　would　privately　leave　that　part　of
England；　drop　from　the　sight　of　acquaintances；　gossips；　harsh
critics；　and　bitter　creditors　of　whose　misfortune　he　was　not　the
cause；　and　escape　the　position　which　galled　him　by　the　only　road
their　great　poverty　left　open　to　themthat　of　his　obtaining　some
employment　in　a　distant　place　by　following　his　profession　as　a
humble　under…draughtsman。

He　thought　over　his　capabilities　with　the　sensations　of　a　soldier
grinding　his　sword　at　the　opening　of　a　campaign。　　What　with　lack　of
employment；　owing　to　the　decrease　of　his　late　father's　practice；　and
the　absence　of　direct　and　uncompromising　pressure　towards　monetary
results　from　a　pupil's　labour　（which　seems　to　be　always　the　case
when　a　professional　man's　pupil　is　also　his　son）；　Owen's　progress　in
the　art　and　science　of　architecture　had　been　very　insignificant
indeed。　　Though　anything　but　an　idle　young　man；　he　had　hardly
reached　the　age　at　which　industrious　men　who　lack　an　external　whip
to　send　them　on　in　the　world；　are　induced　by　their　own　common　sense
to　whip　on　themselves。　　Hence　his　knowledge　of　plans；　elevations；
sections；　and　specifications；　was　not　greater　at　the　end　of　two
years　of　probation　than　might　easily　have　been　acquired　in　six
months　by　a　youth　of　average　abilityhimself；　for　instanceamid　a
bustling　London　practice。

But　at　any　rate　he　could　make　himself　handy　to　one　of　the
professionsome　man　in　a　remote　townand　there　fulfil　his
indentures。　　A　tangible　inducement　lay　in　this　direction　of　survey。
He　had　a　slight　conception　of　such　a　mana　Mr。　Gradfieldwho　was
in　practice　in　Budmouth　Regis；　a　seaport　town　and　watering…place　in
the　south　of　England。

After　some　doubts；　Graye　ventured　to　write　to　this　gentleman；　asking
the　necessary　question；　shortly　alluding　to　his　father's　death；　and
stating　that　his　term　of　apprenticeship　had　only　half　expired。　　He
would　be　glad　to　complete　his　articles　at　a　very　low　salary　for　the
whole　remaining　two　years；　provided　payment　could　begin　at　once。

The　answer　from　Mr。　Gradfield　stated　that　he　was　not　in　want　of　a
pupil　who　would　serve　the　remainder　of　his　time　on　the　terms　Mr。
Graye　mentioned。　　But　he　would　just　add　one　remark。　　He　chanced　to
be　in　want　of　some　young　man　in　his　officefor　a　short　time　only；
probably　about　two　monthsto　trace　drawings；　and　attend　to　other
subsidiary　work　of　the　kind。　　If　Mr。　Graye　did　not　object　to　occupy
such　an　inferior　position　as　these　duties　would　entail；　and　to
accept　weekly　wages　which　to　one　with　his　expectations　would　be
considered　merely　nominal；　the　post　would　give　him　an　opportunity
for　learning　a　few　more　details　of　the　profession。

'It　is　a　beginning；　and；　above　all；　an　abiding…place；　away　from　the
shadow　of　the　cloud　which　hangs　over　us　hereI　will　go；'　said　Owen。

Cytherea's　plan　for　her　future；　an　intensely　simple　one；　owing　to
the　even　greater　narrowness　of　her　resources；　was　already　marked
out。　　One　advantage　had　accrued　to　her　through　her　mother's
possession　of　a　fai