the daisy chain, or aspirations-第160章

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〃Because　our　dear　home　has　made　the　truth；　our　joy；　our　union；〃　said
Ethel。　　〃And　you　are　sure　the　cloud　is　gone；　and　for　ever？〃　she　still
asked　anxiously。

He　stood　still。　　〃For　ever；　I　trust；〃　he　said。　　〃I　hold　the　faith　of
my　childhood　in　all　its　fullness　as　surely　asas　ever　I　loved　my
mother　and　Harry。〃

〃I　know　you　do；〃　said　Ethel。　　〃It　was　only　a　bad　dream。〃

〃I　hope　I　may　be　forgiven　for　it；〃　said　Norman。　　〃I　do　not　know　how
far　it　was　sin。　　It　was　gone　so　far　as　that　my　mind　was　convinced
last　Christmas；　but　the　shame　and　sting　remained。　　I　was　not　at　peace
again　till　the　news　of　this　spring　came；　and　brought；　with　the　grief；
this　compensationthat　I　could　cast　behind　me　and　forget　the
criticisms　and　doubts　that　those　miserable　debates　had　connected　with
sacred　words。〃

〃You　will　be　the　sounder　for　having　fought　the　fight；〃　said　Ethel。

〃I　do　not　dread　the　like　shocks；〃　said　her　brother；　〃but　I　long　to
leave　this　world　of　argument　and　discussion。　　It　is　right　that　there
should　be　a　constant　defence　and　battle；　but　I　am　not　fit　for　it。　　I
argue　for　my　own　triumph；　and；　in　heat　and　harassing；　devotion　is
lost。　　Besides；　the　comparison　of　intellectual　power　has　been　my　bane
all　my　life。〃

〃I　thought　'praise　was　your　penance　here。'〃

〃I　would　fain　render　it　so；　butin　short；　I　must　be　away　from　it
all；　and　go　to　the　simplest；　hardest　work；　beginning　from　the
rudiments；　and　forgetting　subtle　arguments。〃

〃Forgetting　yourself；〃　said　Ethel。

〃Right。　　I　want　to　have　no　leisure　to　think　about　myself；〃　said
Norman。　　〃I　am　never　so　happy　as　at　such　times。〃

〃And　you　want　to　find　work　so　far　away？〃

〃I　cannot　help　feeling　drawn　towards　those　southern　seas。　　I　am　glad
you　can　give　me　good…speed。　　But　what　do　you　think　about　my　father？〃

Ethel　thought　and　thought。　　〃I　know　he　would　not　hinder　you；〃　she
repeated。

〃But　you　dread　the　pain　for　him？　　I　had　talked　to　Tom　about　taking
his　profession；　but　the　poor　boy　thinks　he　dislikes　it　greatly；
though；　I　believe；　his　real　taste　lies　that　way；　and　his　aversion
only　arises　a　few　grand　notions　he　has　picked　up；　out　of　which　I
could　soon　talk　him。〃

〃Tom　will　not　stand　in　your　place；〃　said　Ethel。

〃He　will　be　more　equable　and　more　to　be　depended　upon；〃　said　Norman。
〃None　of　you　appreciate　Tom。　　However；　you　must　hear　my　alternative。
If　you　think　my　going　would　be　too　much　grief　for　papa；　or　if　Tom　be
set　against　helping　him　in　his　practice；　there　is　an　evident　leading
of　Providence；　showing　that　I　am　unworthy　of　this　work。　　In　that　case
I　would　go　abroad　and　throw　myself；　at　once；　with　all　my　might；　into
the　study　of　medicine；　and　get　ready　to　give　my　father　some　rest。　　It
is　a　shame　that　all　his　sons　should　turn　away　from　his　profession。〃

〃I　am　more　than　ever　amazed！〃　cried　Ethel。　　〃I　thought　you　detested
it。　　I　thought　papa　never　wished　it　for　you。　　He　said　you　had　not
nerve。〃

〃He　was　always　full　of　the　tenderest　consideration　for　me；〃　said
Norman。　　〃With　Heaven　to　help　him；　a　man　may　have　nerve　for　whatever
is　his　duty。〃

〃How　he　would　like　to　have　you　to　watch　and　help。　　But　New　Zealand
would　be　so　glorious！〃

〃Glory　is　not　for　me；〃　said　Norman。　　〃Understand；　Ethel；　the　choice
is　New　Zealand；　or　going　at　onceat　once；　mindto　study　at
Edinburgh　or　Paris。〃

〃New　Zealand　at　once？〃　said　Ethel。

〃I　suppose　I　mast　stay　for　divinity　lectures；　but　my　intention　must
be　avowed；〃　said　Norman　hastily。　　〃And　now；　will　you　sound　my　father？
I　cannot。〃

〃I　can't　sound；〃　said　Ethel。　　〃I　can　only　do　things　point…blank。〃

〃Do　then；〃　said　Norman；　〃any　way　you　can！　　Only　let　me　know　which　is
best　for　him。　　You　get　all　the　disagreeable　things　to　do；　good　old
unready　one；〃　he　added　kindly。　　〃I　believe　you　are　the　one　who　would
be　shoved　in　front；　if　we　were　obliged　to　face　a　basilisk。〃

The　brightness　that　had　come　over　Norman；　when　he　had　discharged　his
cares　upon　her；　was　encouragement　enough　for　Ethel。　　She　only　asked
how　much　she　was　to　repeat　of　their　conversation。

〃Whatever　you　think　best。　　I　do　not　want　to　grieve　him；　but　he　must
not　think　it　fine　in　me。〃

Ethel　privately　thought　that　no　power　on　earth　could　prevent　him　from
doing　that。

It　was　not　consistent　with　cautious　sounding；　that　Norman　was　always
looking　appealingly　towards　her；　and；　indeed；　she　could　not　wait　long
with　such　a　question　on　her　mind。　　She　remained　with　her　father　in
the　drawing…room；　when　the　rest　were　gone　upstairs；　and；　plunging　at
once　into　the　matter；　she　said；　〃Papa；　there　is　something　that　Norman
cannot　bear　to　say　to　you　himself。〃

〃Humming…birds　to　wit？〃　said　Dr。　May。

〃No；　indeed；　but　he　wants　to　be　doing　something　at　once。　　What　should
you　think　ofofthere　are　two　things；　one　isgoing　out　as　a
missionary〃

〃Humming…birds　in　another　shape；〃　said　the　doctor；　startled；　but
smiling；　so　as　to　pique　her。

〃You　mean　to　treat　it　as　a　boy's　fancy！〃　said　she。

〃It　is　rather　suspicious；〃　he　said。　　〃Well；　what　is　the　other　of　his
two　things？〃

〃The　other　is；　to　begin　studying　medicine　at　once；　so　as　to　help
you。〃

〃Heyday！〃　cried　Dr。　May；　drawing　up　his　tall　vigorous　figure；　〃does
he　think　me　so　very　ancient　and　superannuated？〃

What　could　possess　him　to　be　so　provoking　and　unsentimental　to…night？
Was　it　her　own　bad　management？　　She　longed　to　put　an　end　to　the
conversation；　and　answered；　〃No；　but　he　thinks　it　hard　that　none　of
your　sons　should　be　willing　to　relieve　you。〃

〃It　won't　be　Norman；〃　said　Dr。　May。　　〃He　is　not　made　of　the　stuff。
If　he　survived　the　course　of　study；　every　patient　he　lost；　he　would
bring　himself　in　guilty　of　murder；　and　there　would　soon　be　an　end　of
him！〃

〃He　says　that　a　man　can　force　himself　to　anything　that　is　his　duty。〃

〃This　is　not　going　to　be　his　duty；　if　I　can　make　it　otherwise。　　What
is　the　meaning　of　all　this？　　No；　I　need　not　ask；　poor　boy；　it　is　what
I　was　afraid　of！〃

〃It　is　far　deeper；〃　said　Ethel；　and　she　related　great　part　of　what
she　had　heard　in　the　afternoon。　　It　was　not　easy　to　make　her　father
listenhis　line　was　to　be　positively　indignant；　rather　than
compassionate；　when　he　heard　of　the　doubts　that　had　assailed　poor
Norman。　　〃Foolish　boy；　what　business　had　he　to　meddle　with　those
accursed　books；　when　he　knew　what　they　were　made　ofit　was　tasting
poison；　it　was　running　into　temptation！　　He　had　no　right　to　expect　to
come　out　safe〃　and　then　he　grasped　tightly　hold　of　Ethel's　hands；
and；　as　if　the　terror　had　suddenly　flashed　on　him；　asked　her；　with
dilated　eye　and　trembling　voice；　whether　she　were　sure　that　he　was
safe；　and　held　the　faith。

Ethel　repeated　his　asseveration；　and　her　father　covered　his　face　with
his　hands　in　thanksgiving。

After　this；　he　seemed　somewhat　inclined　to　hold　poor　Oxford　in
horror；　only；　as　he　observed；　it　would　be　going　out　of　the　frying…pan
into　the　fire；　to　take　refuge　at　Parisa　recurrence　to　the　notion　of
Norman's　medical　studies；　that　showed　him　rather　enticed　by　the
proposal。

He　sent　Ethel　to　bed；　saying　he　should　talk　to　Norman　and　find　out
what　was　the　meaning　of　it；　and　she　walked　upstairs；　much　ashamed　of
having　so　ill　served　her　brother；　as　almost　to　have　made　him
ridiculous。

Dr　May　and　Norman　never　failed　to　come　to　an　understanding；　and　after
they　had　had　a　long　drive　into　the　country　together；　Dr　May　told
Ethel　that　he　was　afraid；　of　what　he　ought　not　to　be　afraid　of；　that
she　was　right；　that　the　lad　was　very　much　in　earnest　now　at　any　rate；
and　if　he　should　continue　in　the　same　mind；　he　hoped　he　should　not　be
so　weak　as　to　hold　him　from　a　blessed　work。

From　Norman；　Ethel　heard　the　warmest　gratitude　for　his　father's
kindness。　　Nothing　could　be　done　yet；　he　must　wait　patiently　for　the
present；　but　he　was　to　write　to　his　uncle；　Mr。　Arnott；　in　New
Zealand；　and；　without　pledging　himself；　to　make　inquiries　as　to　the
mission；　and　in　the　meantime；　return　to　Oxford；　where；　to　his　other
studies；　he　was　to　add　a　course　of　medical　lectures；　which；　as　Dr。
May　said；　would　do　him　no　harm；　would　occupy　his　mind；　and　might　turn
to　use　wherever　he
was。

Ethel　was　surprised　to　find　that　Norman　wrote　to　Flora　an　expression
of　his　resolution；　that；　if　he　found　he　could　be　spared　from
assisting