bleak house(凄凉的房子)-第89章
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should be more disposed to quarrel with myself； even then； than
with poor Rick； for I brought you together。 But tut； all this is
nothing！ He has time before him； and the race to run。 I think the
worse of him？ Not I； my loving cousin！ And not you； I swear！”
“No； indeed； cousin John；” said Ada； “I am sure I could not—I
am sure I would not—think any ill of Richard； if the whole world
did。 I could； and I would； think better of him then； than at any
other time！”
So quietly and honestly she said it； with her hands upon his
shoulders—both hands now—and looking up into his face； like the
picture of Truth！
“I think；” said my Guardian； thoughtfully regarding her； “I
think it must be somewhere written that the virtues of the mothers
shall； occasionally； be visited on the children； as well as the sins of
the fathers。 Good night； my rosebud。 Good night； little woman。
Pleasant slumbers！ Happy dreams！”
This was the first time I ever saw him follow Ada with his eyes；
with something of a shadow on their benevolent expression。 I well
remember the look with which he had contemplated her and
Richard； when she was singing in the firelight； it was but a very
little while since he had watched them passing down the room in
which the sun was shining； and away into the shade； but his
glance was changed； and even the silent look of confidence in me
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which now followed it once more； was not quite so hopeful and
untroubled as it had originally been。
Ada praised Richard more to me； that night； than ever she had
praised him yet。 She went to sleep； with a little bracelet he had
given her clasped upon her arm。 I fancied she was dreaming of
him when I kissed her cheek after she had slept an hour； and saw
how tranquil and happy she looked。
For I was so little inclined to sleep； myself； that night； that I sat
up working。 It would not be worth mentioning for its own sake；
but I was wakeful and rather low…spirited。 I don’t know why。 At
least； I don’t think I know why。 At least； perhaps I do； but I don’t
think it matters。
At any rate； I made up my mind to be so dreadfully industrious
that I would leave myself not a moment’s leisure to be low…
spirited。 For I naturally said； “Esther！ You to be low…spirited。
You！” And it really was time to say so； for I—yes； I really did see
myself in the glass； almost crying。 “As if you had anything to make
you unhappy； instead of everything to make you happy； you
ungrateful heart！” said I。
If I could have made myself go to sleep； I would have done it
directly； but； not being able to do that； I took out of my basket
some ornamental work for our house （I mean Bleak House） that I
was busy with at that time； and sat down to it with great
determination。 It was necessary to count all the stitches in that
work； and I resolved to go on with it until I couldn’t keep my eyes
open； and then to go to bed。
I soon found myself very busy。 But I had left some silk
downstairs in a work…table drawer in the temporary Growlery； and
coming to a stop for want of it； I took my candle and went softly
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down to get it。 To my great surprise； on going in； I found my
Guardian still there； and sitting looking at the ashes。 He was lost
in thought； his book lay unheeded by his side； his silvered iron…
grey hair was scattered confusedly upon his forehead as though
his hand had been wandering among it while his thoughts were
elsewhere； and his face looked worn。 Almost frightened by coming
upon him so unexpectedly； I stood still for a moment； and should
have retired without speaking； had he not； in again passing his
hand abstractedly through his hair； seen me and started。
“Esther！”
I told him what I had come for。
“At work so late； my dear？”
“I am working late tonight；” said I； “because I couldn’t sleep；
and wished to tire myself。 But； dear Guardian； you are late too；
and look weary。 You have no trouble； I hope； to keep you
waking？”
“None； little woman； that you would readily understand；” said
he。
He spoke in a regretful tone so new to me； that I inwardly
repeated； as if that would help me to his meaning； “That I could
readily understand！”
“Remain a moment； Esther；” said he。 “You were in my
thoughts。”
“I hope I was not the trouble； Guardian？”
He slightly waved his hand； and fell into his usual manner。 The
change was so remarkable； and he appeared to make it by dint of
so much self…command； that I found myself again inwardly
repeating； “None that I could understand！”
“Little woman；” said my Guardian； “I was thinking—that is； I
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have been thinking since I have been sitting here—that you ought
to know； of your own history； all I know。 It is very little。 Next to
nothing。”
“Dear Guardian；” I replied； “when you spoke to me before on
that subject—”
“But since then；” he gravely interposed； anticipating what I
meant to say； “I have reflected that your having anything to ask
me； and my having anything to tell you； are different
considerations； Esther。 It is perhaps my duty to impart to you the
little I know。”
“If you think so； Guardian； it is right。”
“I think so；” he returned； very gently； and kindly； and very
distinctly。 “My dear； I think so now。 If any real disadvantage can
attach to your position； in the mind of any man or woman worth a
thought； it is right that you； at least； of all the world； should not
magnify it to yourself； by having vague impressions of its nature。”
I sat down； and said； after a little effort to be as calm as I ought
to be； “One of my earliest remembrances； Guardian； is of these
words。 ‘Your mother； Esther； is your disgrace； and you were hers。
The time will come； and soon enough； when you will understand
this better； and will feel it too； as no one save a woman can。’“ I had
covered my face with my hands； in repeating the words； but I took
them away now with a better kind of shame； I hope； and told him；
that to him I owed the blessing that I had from my childhood to
that hour never； never never felt it。 He put up his hand as if to stop
me。 I well knew that he was never to be thanked； and said no
more。
“Nine years； my dear；” he said； after thinking for a little while；
