bleak house(凄凉的房子)-第192章
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where none but deep voices seemed to be； whether in the
murmuring of the wind through the strong mass of ivy holding to a
high red wall； or in the low complaining of the weathercock； or in
the barking of the dogs； or in the slow striking of the clock。 So；
encountering presently a sweet smell of limes； whose rustling I
could hear； I turned with the turning of the path； to the south
front； and there； above me； were the balustrades of the Ghost’s
Walk； and one lighted window that might be my mother’s。
The way was paved here； like the terrace overhead； and my
footsteps from being noiseless made an echoing sound upon the
flags。 Stopping to look at nothing； but seeing all I did see as I went；
I was passing quickly on； and in a few moments should have
passed the lighted window； when my echoing footsteps brought it
suddenly into my mind that there was a dreadful truth in the
legend of the Ghost’s Walk； that it was I； who was to bring
calamity upon the stately house； and that my warning feet were
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haunting it even then。 Seized with an augmented terror of myself
which turned me cold； I ran from myself and everything； retraced
the way by which I had come； and never paused until I had gained
the lodge…gate； and the park lay sullen and black behind me。
Not before I was alone in my own room for the night； and had
again been dejected and unhappy there； did I begin to know how
wrong and thankless this state was。 But； from my darling who was
coming on the morrow； I found a joyful letter； full of such loving
anticipation that I must have been of marble if it had not moved
me； from my Guardian； too； I found another letter； asking me to
tell Dame Durden； if I should see that little woman anywhere； that
they had moped most pitiably without her； that the housekeeping
was going to rack and ruin； that nobody else could manage the
keys； and that everybody in and about the house declared it was
not the same house； and was becoming rebellious for her return。
Two such letters together made me think how far beyond my
deserts I was beloved； and how happy I ought to be。 That made me
think of all my past life； and that brought me； as it ought to have
done before； into a better condition。
For； I saw very well that I could not have been intended to die；
or I should never have lived； not to say should never have been
reserved for such a happy life。 I saw very well how many things
had worked together； for my welfare； and that if the sins of the
fathers were sometimes visited upon the children； the phrase did
not mean what I had in the morning feared it meant。 I knew I was
as innocent of my birth； as a queen of hers； and that before my
Heavenly Father I should not be punished for birth； nor a queen
rewarded for it。 I had had experience； in the shock of that very
day； that I could； even thus soon； find comforting reconcilements
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to the change that had fallen on me。 I renewed my resolutions； and
prayed to be strengthened in them； pouring out my heart for
myself； and for my unhappy mother； and feeling that the darkness
of the morning was passing away。 It was not upon my sleep； and
when the next day’s light awoke me； it was gone。
My dear girl was to arrive at five o’clock in the afternoon。 How
to help myself through the intermediate time better than by taking
a long walk along the road by which she was to come； I did not
know； so Charley and I and Stubbs—Stubbs； saddled； for we never
drove him after the one great occasion—made a long expedition
along that road； and back。 On our return； we held a great review of
the house and garden； and saw that everything was in its prettiest
condition； and had the bird out ready as an important part of the
establishment。
There were more than two full hours yet to elapse； before she
could come； and in that interval； which seemed a long one； I must
confess I was nervously anxious about my altered looks。 I loved my
darling so well that I was more concerned for their effect on her
than on any one。 I was not in this slight distress because I at all
repined—I am quite certain I did not； that day—but； I thought；
would she be wholly prepared？ When she first saw me； might she
not be a little shocked and disappointed？ Might it not prove a little
worse than she had expected？ Might she not look for her old
Esther； and not find her？ Might she not have to grow used to me；
and to begin all over again？
I knew the various expressions of my sweet girl’s face so well；
and it was such an honest face in its loveliness； that I was sure；
beforehand； she could not hide that first look from me。 And I
considered whether； if it should signify any one of these meanings；
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which were so very likely； could I quite answer for myself？
Well； I thought I could。 After last night； I thought I could。 But to
wait and wait； and expect and expect； and think and think； was
such bad preparation； that I resolved to go along the road again；
and meet her。
So I said to Charley； “Charley； I will go by myself and walk
along the road until she comes。” Charley highly approving of
anything that pleased me； I went； and left her at home。
But before I got to the second milestone； I had been in so many
palpitations from seeing dust in the distance （though I knew it was
not； and could not be； the coach yet）； that I resolved to turn back
and go home again。 And when I had turned； I was in such fear of
the coach coming up behind me （though I still knew it neither
would； nor could； do any such thing）； that I ran the greater part of
the way； to avoid being overtaken。
Then； I considered； when I had got safe back again； this was a
nice thing to have done！ Now I was hot； and had made the worst of
it； instead of the best。
At last； when I believed there was at least a quarter of an hour
more yet； Charley all at once cried out to me as I was trembling in
the garden； “Here she comes； miss！ Here she is！”
I did not mean to do it； but I ran upstairs into my room； and hid
myself behind the door。 There I stood； trembling； even when I
heard my darling calling as she came upstairs； “Esther； my dear；
my love； where are you？ Little woman； dear Dame Durden！”
She ran in； and was running out again when she saw me。 Ah；
my angel girl！ the old dear look； all love； all fondness； all affection。
Nothing else in it—no； nothing； nothing！
O how happy I was； down upon the floor； with my sweet
Charles Dickens
