bleak house(凄凉的房子)-第182章
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While I was very ill； the way in which these divisions of time
became confused with one another； distressed my mind
exceedingly。 At once a child； an elder girl； and the little woman I
had been so happy as； I was not only oppressed by cares and
difficulties adapted to each station； but by the great perplexity of
endlessly trying to reconcile them。 I suppose that few who have
not been in such a condition can quite understand what I mean； or
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what painful unrest arose from this source。
For the same reason I am almost afraid to hint at that time in
my disorder—it seemed one long night； but I believe there were
both nights and days in it—when I laboured up colossal staircases；
ever striving to reach the top； and ever turned； as I have seen a
worm in a garden path； by some obstruction； and labouring again。
I knew perfectly at intervals； and I think vaguely at most times；
that I was in my bed； and I talked with Charley； and felt her touch；
and knew her very well； yet I would find myself complaining “O
more of these never…ending stairs； Charley；—more and more—
piled up to the sky； I think！” and labouring on again。
Dare I hint at that worse time when； strung together
somewhere in great black space； there was a flaming necklace； or
ring； or starry circle of some kind； of which I was one of the beads！
And when my only prayer was to be taken off from the rest； and
when it was such inexplicable agony and misery to be a part of the
dreadful thing？
Perhaps the less I say of these sick experiences； the less tedious
and the more intelligible I shall be。 I do not recall them to make
others unhappy； or because I am now the least unhappy in
remembering them。 It may be that if we knew more of such
strange afflictions； we might be better able to alleviate their
intensity。
The repose that succeeded； the long delicious sleep； the blissful
rest； when in my weakness I was too calm to have any care for
myself； and could have heard （or so I think now） that I was dying；
with no other emotion than with a pitying love for those I left
behind—this state can be perhaps more widely understood。 I was
in this state when I first shrunk from the light as it twinkled on me
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once more； and knew with a boundless joy for which no words are
rapturous enough； that I should see again。
I had heard my Ada crying at the door； day and night； I had
heard her calling to me that I was cruel and did not love her； I had
heard her praying and imploring to be let in to nurse and comfort
me； and to leave my bedside no more： but I had only said； when I
could speak； “Never； my sweet girl； never！” and I had over and
over again reminded Charley that she was to keep my darling from
the room； whether I lived or died。 Charley had been true to me in
that time of need； and with her little hand and her great heart had
kept the door fast。
But now； my sight strengthening； and the glorious light coming
every day more fully and brightly on me； I could read the letters
that my dear wrote to me every morning and evening； and could
put them to my lips and lay my cheek upon them with no fear of
hurting her。 I could see my little maid； so tender and so careful；
going about the two rooms setting everything in order； and
speaking cheerfully to Ada from the open window again。 I could
understand the stillness in the house； and the thoughtfulness it
expressed on the part of all those who had always been so good to
me。 I could weep in the exquisite felicity of my heart； and be as
happy in my weakness as ever I had been in my strength。
By…and…bye； my strength began to be restored。 Instead of lying；
with so strange a calmness； watching what was done for me； as if it
were done for some one else whom I was quietly sorry for； I helped
it a little； and so on to a little more； and much more； until I became
useful to myself； and interested； and attached to life again。
How well I remember the pleasant afternoon when I was raised
in bed with pillows for the first time； to enjoy a great tea…drinking
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with Charley！ The little creature—sent into the world； surely； to
minister to the weak and sick—was so happy； and so busy； and
stopped so often in her preparations to lay her head upon my
bosom； and fondle me； and cry with joyful tears she was so glad；
she was so glad！ that I was obliged to say； “Charley； if you go on in
this way； I must lie down again； my darling； for I am weaker than I
thought I was！” So Charley became as quiet as a mouse； and took
her bright face here and there； across and across the two rooms；
out of the shade into the divine sunshine； and out of the sunshine
into the shade； while I watched her peacefully。 When all her
preparations were concluded and the pretty tea…table with its little
delicacies to tempt me； and its white cloth； and its flowers； and
everything so lovingly and beautifully arranged for me by Ada
downstairs； was ready at the bed…side； I felt sure I was steady
enough to say something to Charley that was not new to my
thoughts。
First； I complimented Charley on the room； and indeed； it was
so fresh and airy； so spotless and neat； that I could scarce believe I
had been lying there so long。 This delighted Charley； and her face
was brighter than before。
“Yet； Charley；” said I looking round； “I miss something； surely；
that I am accustomed to？”
Poor little Charley looked round too； and pretended to shake
her head； as if there were nothing absent。
“Are the pictures all as they used to be？” I asked her。
“Every one of them； miss；” said Charley。
“And the furniture； Charley？”
“Except where I have moved it about； to make more room；
miss。”
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“And yet；” said I； “I miss some familiar object。 Ah； I know what
it is； Charley！ It’s the looking…glass。”
Charley got up from the table； making as if she had forgotten
something； and went into the next room； and I heard her sob
there。
I had thought of this very often。 I was now certain of it。 I could
thank God that it was not a shock to me now。 I called Charley
back； and when she came—at first pretending to smile； but as she
drew nearer to me； looking grieved—I took her in my arms； and
said； “It matters very little； Charley。
