confessions of an english opium-eater-第7章

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　poor　houseless　wanderers；　and　it　cannot　be　denied　that　the　outside　air　and　framework　of　London　society　is　harsh；　cruel；　and　repulsive。　In　any　case；　however；　I　saw　that　part　of　her　injuries　might　easily　have　been　redressed；　and　I　urged　her　often　and　earnestly　to　lay　her　complaint　before　a　magistrate。　　Friendless　as　she　was；　I　assured　her　that　she　would　meet　with　immediate　attention；　and　that　English　justice；　which　was　no　respecter　of　persons；　would　speedily　and　amply　avenge　her　on　the　brutal　ruffian　who　had　plundered　her　little　property。　　She　promised　me　often　that　she　would；　but　she　delayed　taking　the　steps　I　pointed　out　from　time　to　time；　for　she　was　timid　and　dejected　to　a　degree　which　showed　how　deeply　sorrow　had　taken　hold　of　her　young　heart；　and　perhaps　she　thought　justly　that　the　most　upright　judge　and　the　most　righteous　tribunals　could　do　nothing　to　repair　her　heaviest　wrongs。　　Something；　however；　would　perhaps　have　been　done；　for　it　had　been　settled　between　us　at　length；　but　unhappily　on　the　very　last　time　but　one　that　I　was　ever　to　see　her；　that　in　a　day　or　two　we　should　go　together　before　a　magistrate；　and　that　I　should　speak　on　her　behalf。　　This　little　service　it　was　destined；　however；　that　I　should　never　realise。　　Meantime；　that　which　she　rendered　to　me；　and　which　was　greater　than　I　could　ever　have　repaid　her；　was　this：…　One　night；　when　we　were　pacing　slowly　along　Oxford　Street；　and　after　a　day　when　I　had　felt　more　than　usually　ill　and　faint；　I　requested　her　to　turn　off　with　me　into　Soho　Square。　　Thither　we　went；　and　we　sat　down　on　the　steps　of　a　house；　which　to　this　hour　I　never　pass　without　a　pang　of　grief　and　an　inner　act　of　homage　to　the　spirit　of　that　unhappy　girl；　in　memory　of　the　noble　action　which　she　there　performed。　　Suddenly；　as　we　sate；　I　grew　much　worse。　　I　had　been　leaning　my　head　against　her　bosom；　and　all　at　once　I　sank　from　her　arms　and　fell　backwards　on　the　steps。　From　the　sensations　I　then　had；　I　felt　an　inner　conviction　of　the　liveliest　kind；　that　without　some　powerful　and　reviving　stimulus　I　should　either　have　died　on　the　spot；　or　should　at　least　have　sunk　to　a　point　of　exhaustion　from　which　all　reascent　under　my　friendless　circumstances　would　soon　have　become　hopeless。　　Then　it　was；　at　this　crisis　of　my　fate；　that　my　poor　orphan　companion；　who　had　herself　met　with　little　but　injuries　in　this　world；　stretched　out　a　saving　hand　to　me。　　Uttering　a　cry　of　terror；　but　without　a　moment's　delay；　she　ran　off　into　Oxford　Street；　and　in　less　time　than　could　be　imagined　returned　to　me　with　a　glass　of　port　wine　and　spices；　that　acted　upon　my　empty　stomach；　which　at　that　time　would　have　rejected　all　solid　food；　with　an　instantaneous　power　of　restoration；　and　for　this　glass　the　generous　girl　without　a　murmur　paid　out　of　her　humble　purse　at　a　timebe　it　remembered！when　she　had　scarcely　wherewithal　to　purchase　the　bare　necessaries　of　life；　and　when　she　could　have　no　reason　to　expect　that　I　should　ever　be　able　to　reimburse　her。

Oh；　youthful　benefactress！　how　often　in　succeeding　years；　standing　in　solitary　places；　and　thinking　of　thee　with　grief　of　heart　and　perfect　lovehow　often　have　I　wished　that；　as　in　ancient　times；　the　curse　of　a　father　was　believed　to　have　a　supernatural　power；　and　to　pursue　its　object　with　a　fatal　necessity　of　self…fulfilment；　even　so　the　benediction　of　a　heart　oppressed　with　gratitude　might　have　a　like　prerogative；　might　have　power　given　to　it　from　above　to　chase；　to　haunt；　to　waylay；　to　overtake；　to　pursue　thee　into　the　central　darkness　of　a　London　brothel；　or　（if　it　were　possible）　into　the　darkness　of　the　grave；　there　to　awaken　thee　with　an　authentic　message　of　peace　and　forgiveness；　and　of　final　reconciliation！

I　do　not　often　weep：　　for　not　only　do　my　thoughts　on　subjects　connected　with　the　chief　interests　of　man　daily；　nay　hourly；　descend　a　thousand　fathoms　〃too　deep　for　tears；〃　not　only　does　the　sternness　of　my　habits　of　thought　present　an　antagonism　to　the　feelings　which　prompt　tearswanting　of　necessity　to　those　who；　being　protected　usually　by　their　levity　from　any　tendency　to　meditative　sorrow；　would　by　that　same　levity　be　made　incapable　of　resisting　it　on　any　casual　access　of　such　feelings；　but　also；　I　believe　that　all　minds　which　have　contemplated　such　objects　as　deeply　as　I　have　done；　must；　for　their　own　protection　from　utter　despondency；　have　early　encouraged　and　cherished　some　tranquillising　belief　as　to　the　future　balances　and　the　hieroglyphic　meanings　of　human　sufferings。　　On　these　accounts　I　am　cheerful　to　this　hour；　and；　as　I　have　said；　I　do　not　often　weep。　　Yet　some　feelings；　though　not　deeper　or　more　passionate；　are　more　tender　than　others；　and　often；　when　I　walk　at　this　time　in　Oxford　Street　by　dreamy　lamplight；　and　hear　those　airs　played　on　a　barrel…organ　which　years　ago　solaced　me　and　my　dear　companion　（as　I　must　always　call　her）；　I　shed　tears；　and　muse　with　myself　at　the　mysterious　dispensation　which　so　suddenly　and　so　critically　separated　us　for　ever。　　How　it　happened　the　reader　will　understand　from　what　remains　of　this　introductory　narration。

Soon　after　the　period　of　the　last　incident　I　have　recorded　I　met　in　Albemarle　Street　a　gentleman　of　his　late　Majesty's　household。　　This　gentleman　had　received　hospitalities　on　different　occasions　from　my　family；　and　he　challenged　me　upon　the　strength　of　my　family　likeness。　　I　did　not　attempt　any　disguise；　I　answered　his　questions　ingenuously；　and；　on　his　pledging　his　word　of　honour　that　he　would　not　betray　me　to　my　guardians；　I　gave　him　an　address　to　my　friend　the　attorney's。　　The　next　day　I　received　from　him　a　10　pound　bank…　note。　　The　letter　enclosing　it　was　delivered　with　other　letters　of　business　to　the　attorney；　but　though　his　look　and　manner　informed　me　that　he　suspected　its　contents；　he　gave　it　up　to　me　honourably　and　without　demur。

This　present；　from　the　particular　service　to　which　it　was　applied；　leads　me　naturally　to　speak　of　the　purpose　which　had　allured　me　up　to　London；　and　which　I　had　been　（to　use　a　forensic　word）　soliciting　from　the　first　day　of　my　arrival　in　London　to　that　of　my　final　departure。

In　so　mighty　a　world　as　London　it　will　surprise　my　readers　that　I　should　not　have　found　some　means　of　starving　off　the　last　extremities；　of　penury；　and　it　will　strike　them　that　two　resources　at　least　must　have　been　open　to　meviz。；　either　to　seek　assistance　from　the　friends　of　my　family；　or　to　turn　my　youthful　talents　and　attainments　into　some　channel　of　pecuniary　emolument。　　As　to　the　first　course；　I　may　observe　generally；　that　what　I　dreaded　beyond　all　other　evils　was　the　chance　of　being　reclaimed　by　my　guardians；　not　doubting　that　whatever　power　the　law　gave　them　would　have　been　enforced　against　me　to　the　utmostthat　is；　to　the　extremity　of　forcibly　restoring　me　to　the　school　which　I　had　quitted；　a　restoration　which；　as　it　would　in　my　eyes　have　been　a　dishonour；　even　if　submitted　to　voluntarily；　could　not　fail；　when　extorted　from　me　in　contempt　and　defiance　of　my　own　wishes　and　efforts；　to　have　been　a　humiliation　worse　to　me　than　death；　and　which　would　indeed　have　terminated　in　death。　　I　was　therefore　shy　enough　of　applying　for　assistance　even　in　those　quarters　where　I　was　sure　of　receiving　it；　at　the　risk　of　furnishing　my　guardians　with　any　clue　of　recovering　me。　　But　as　to　London　in　particular；　though　doubtless　my　father　had　in　his　lifetime　had　many　friends　there；　yet　（as　ten　years　had　passed　since　his　death）　I　remembered　few　of　them　even　by　name；　and　never　having　seen　London　before；　except　once　for　a　few　hours；　I　knew　not　the　address　of　even　those　few。　　To　this　mode　of　gaining　help；　therefore；　in　part　the　difficulty；　but　much　more　the　paramount　fear　which　I　have　mentioned；　habitually　indisposed　me。　　In　regard　to　the　other　mode；　I　now　feel　half　inclined　to　join　my　reader　in　wondering　that　I　should　have　overlooked　it。　　As　a　corrector　of　Greek　proofs　（if　in　no　other　way）　I　might　doubtless　have　gained　enough　for　my　slender　wants。　　Such　an　office　as　this　I　could　have　discharged　with　an　exemplary　and　punctual　accuracy　that　would　soon　have　gained　me　the　confidence　of　my　employers。　　But　it　must　not　be　forgotten　that；　even　for　such　an　office　as　this；　it　was　necessary　that　I　should　first　of　all　have　an　introduction　to