confessions of an english opium-eater-第3章

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　would　no　longer　be　numbered　amongst　schoolboys。　　Money　being　what　I　chiefly　wanted；　I　wrote　to　a　woman　of　high　rank；　who；　though　young　herself；　had　known　me　from　a　child；　and　had　latterly　treated　me　with　great　distinction；　requesting　that　she　would　〃lend〃　me　five　guineas。　　For　upwards　of　a　week　no　answer　came；　and　I　was　beginning　to　despond；　when　at　length　a　servant　put　into　my　hands　a　double　letter　with　a　coronet　on　the　seal。　　The　letter　was　kind　and　obliging。　　The　fair　writer　was　on　the　sea…coast；　and　in　that　way　the　delay　had　arisen；　she　enclosed　double　of　what　I　had　asked；　and　good…　naturedly　hinted　that　if　I　should　NEVER　repay　her；　it　would　not　absolutely　ruin　her。　　Now；　then；　I　was　prepared　for　my　scheme。　　Ten　guineas；　added　to　about　two　which　I　had　remaining　from　my　pocket…　money；　seemed　to　me　sufficient　for　an　indefinite　length　of　time；　and　at　that　happy　age；　if　no　DEFINITE　boundary　can　be　assigned　to　one's　power；　the　spirit　of　hope　and　pleasure　makes　it　virtually　infinite。

It　is　a　just　remark　of　Dr。　Johnson's　（and；　what　cannot　often　be　said　of　his　remarks；　it　is　a　very　feeling　one）；　that　we　never　do　anything　consciously　for　the　last　time　（of　things；　that　is；　which　we　have　long　been　in　the　habit　of　doing）　without　sadness　of　heart。　　This　truth　I　felt　deeply　when　I　came　to　leave　…；　a　place　which　I　did　not　love；　and　where　I　had　not　been　happy。　　On　the　evening　before　I　left…　…for　ever；　I　grieved　when　the　ancient　and　lofty　schoolroom　resounded　with　the　evening　service；　performed　for　the　last　time　in　my　hearing；　and　at　night；　when　the　muster…roll　of　names　was　called　over；　and　mine　（as　usual）　was　called　first；　I　stepped　forward；　and　passing　the　head…master；　who　was　standing　by；　I　bowed　to　him；　and　looked　earnestly　in　his　face；　thinking　to　myself；　〃He　is　old　and　infirm；　and　in　this　world　I　shall　not　see　him　again。〃　　I　was　right；　I　never　DID　see　him　again；　nor　ever　shall。　　He　looked　at　me　complacently；　smiled　good…naturedly；　returned　my　salutation　（or　rather　my　valediction）；　and　we　parted　（though　he　knew　it　not）　for　ever。　　I　could　not　reverence　him　intellectually；　but　he　had　been　uniformly　kind　to　me；　and　had　allowed　me　many　indulgences；　and　I　grieved　at　the　thought　of　the　mortification　I　should　inflict　upon　him。

The　morning　came　which　was　to　launch　me　into　the　world；　and　from　which　my　whole　succeeding　life　has　in　many　important　points　taken　its　colouring。　　I　lodged　in　the　head…master's　house；　and　had　been　allowed　from　my　first　entrance　the　indulgence　of　a　private　room；　which　I　used　both　as　a　sleeping…room　and　as　a　study。　　At　half　after　three　I　rose；　and　gazed　with　deep　emotion　at　the　ancient　towers　of　…　；　〃drest　in　earliest　light；〃　and　beginning　to　crimson　with　the　radiant　lustre　of　a　cloudless　July　morning。　　I　was　firm　and　immovable　in　my　purpose；　but　yet　agitated　by　anticipation　of　uncertain　danger　and　troubles；　and　if　I　could　have　foreseen　the　hurricane　and　perfect　hail…storm　of　affliction　which　soon　fell　upon　me；　well　might　I　have　been　agitated。　　To　this　agitation　the　deep　peace　of　the　morning　presented　an　affecting　contrast；　and　in　some　degree　a　medicine。　　The　silence　was　more　profound　than　that　of　mid…　night；　and　to　me　the　silence　of　a　summer　morning　is　more　touching　than　all　other　silence；　because；　the　light　being　broad　and　strong　as　that　of　noonday　at　other　seasons　of　the　year；　it　seems　to　differ　from　perfect　day　chiefly　because　man　is　not　yet　abroad；　and　thus　the　peace　of　nature　and　of　the　innocent　creatures　of　God　seems　to　be　secure　and　deep　only　so　long　as　the　presence　of　man　and　his　restless　and　unquiet　spirit　are　not　there　to　trouble　its　sanctity。　　I　dressed　myself；　took　my　hat　and　gloves；　and　lingered　a　little　in　the　room。　For　the　last　year　and　a　half　this　room　had　been　my　〃pensive　citadel〃：　　here　I　had　read　and　studied　through　all　the　hours　of　night；　and　though　true　it　was　that　for　the　latter　part　of　this　time　I；　who　was　framed　for　love　and　gentle　affections；　had　lost　my　gaiety　and　happiness　during　the　strife　and　fever　of　contention　with　my　guardian；　yet；　on　the　other　hand；　as　a　boy　so　passionately　fond　of　books；　and　dedicated　to　intellectual　pursuits；　I　could　not　fail　to　have　enjoyed　many　happy　hours　in　the　midst　of　general　dejection。　　I　wept　as　I　looked　round　on　the　chair；　hearth；　writing…table；　and　other　familiar　objects；　knowing　too　certainly　that　I　looked　upon　them　for　the　last　time。　　Whilst　I　write　this　it　is　eighteen　years　ago；　and　yet　at　this　moment　I　see　distinctly；　as　if　it　were　yesterday；　the　lineaments　and　expression　of　the　object　on　which　I　fixed　my　parting　gaze。　　It　was　a　picture　of　the　lovely　…；　which　hung　over　the　mantelpiece；　the　eyes　and　mouth　of　which　were　so　beautiful；　and　the　whole　countenance　so　radiant　with　benignity　and　divine　tranquillity；　that　I　had　a　thousand　times　laid　down　my　pen　or　my　book　to　gather　consolation　from　it；　as　a　devotee　from　his　patron　saint。　　Whilst　I　was　yet　gazing　upon　it　the　deep　tones　ofclock　proclaimed　that　it　was　four　o'clock。　　I　went　up　to　the　picture；　kissed　it；　and　then　gently　walked　out　and　closed　the　door　for　ever！


So　blended　and　intertwisted　in　this　life　are　occasions　of　laughter　and　of　tears；　that　I　cannot　yet　recall　without　smiling　an　incident　which　occurred　at　that　time；　and　which　had　nearly　put　a　stop　to　the　immediate　execution　of　my　plan。　　I　had　a　trunk　of　immense　weight；　for；　besides　my　clothes；　it　contained　nearly　all　my　library。　　The　difficulty　was　to　get　this　removed　to　a　carrier's：　　my　room　was　at　an　aerial　elevation　in　the　house；　and　（what　was　worse）　the　staircase　which　communicated　with　this　angle　of　the　building　was　accessible　only　by　a　gallery；　which　passed　the　head…master's　chamber　door。　　I　was　a　favourite　with　all　the　servants；　and　knowing　that　any　of　them　would　screen　me　and　act　confidentially；　I　communicated　my　embarrassment　to　a　groom　of　the　head…master's。　　The　groom　swore　he　would　do　anything　I　wished；　and　when　the　time　arrived　went　upstairs　to　bring　the　trunk　down。　　This　I　feared　was　beyond　the　strength　of　any　one　man；　however；　the　groom　was　a　man


Of　Atlantean　shoulders；　fit　to　bear　The　weight　of　mightiest　monarchies；


and　had　a　back　as　spacious　as　Salisbury　Plain。　　Accordingly　he　persisted　in　bringing　down　the　trunk　alone；　whilst　I　stood　waiting　at　the　foot　of　the　last　flight　in　anxiety　for　the　event。　　For　some　time　I　heard　him　descending　with　slow　and　firm　steps；　but　unfortunately；　from　his　trepidation；　as　he　drew　near　the　dangerous　quarter；　within　a　few　steps　of　the　gallery；　his　foot　slipped；　and　the　mighty　burden　falling　from　his　shoulders；　gained　such　increase　of　impetus　at　each　step　of　the　descent；　that　on　reaching　the　bottom　it　trundled；　or　rather　leaped；　right　across；　with　the　noise　of　twenty　devils；　against　the　very　bedroom　door　of　the　Archididascalus。　My　first　thought　was　that　all　was　lost；　and　that　my　only　chance　for　executing　a　retreat　was　to　sacrifice　my　baggage。　　However；　on　reflection　I　determined　to　abide　the　issue。　　The　groom　was　in　the　utmost　alarm；　both　on　his　own　account　and　on　mine；　but；　in　spite　of　this；　so　irresistibly　had　the　sense　of　the　ludicrous　in　this　unhappy　contretemps　taken　possession　of　his　fancy；　that　he　sang　out　a　long；　loud；　and　canorous　peal　of　laughter；　that　might　have　wakened　the　Seven　Sleepers。　　At　the　sound　of　this　resonant　merriment；　within　the　very　ears　of　insulted　authority；　I　could　not　myself　forbear　joining　in　it；　subdued　to　this；　not　so　much　by　the　unhappy　etourderie　of　the　trunk；　as　by　the　effect　it　had　upon　the　groom。　　We　both　expected；　as　a　matter　of　course；　that　Dr。would　sally；　out　of　his　room；　for　in　general；　if　but　a　mouse　stirred；　he　sprang　out　like　a　mastiff　from　his　kennel。　　Strange　to　say；　however；　on　this　occasion；　when　the　noise　of　laughter　had　ceased；　no　sound；　or　rustling　even；　was　to　be　heard　in　the　bedroom。　　Dr。had　a　painful　complaint；　which；　sometimes　keeping　him　awake；　made　his　sleep　perhaps；　when　it　did　come；　the　deeper。　　Gathering　courage　from　the　silence；　the　groom　hoisted　his　burden　again；　and　accomplished　the　remainder　of　his　descent　without　accident。　　I　waited　until　I　saw　the　trunk　placed　on　a　wheelbarrow　and　on　its　road　to　the　carrier's；　then；　〃with　Providence　my　guide；〃　I　set　off　on　foot；　carrying　a　small　parcel　with　some　articles　of　dress　under　my　arm