confessions of an english opium-eater-第25章

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ee　my　case　as　to　sleep；　nor　is　it　much　of　an　exaggeration　in　other　features。　　I　protest　to　you　that　I　have　a　greater　influx　of　thoughts　in　one　hour　at　present　than　in　a　whole　year　under　the　reign　of　opium。　　It　seems　as　though　all　the　thoughts　which　had　been　frozen　up　for　a　decade　of　years　by　opium　had　now；　according　to　the　old　fable；　been　thawed　at　oncesuch　a　multitude　stream　in　upon　me　from　all　quarters。　　Yet　such　is　my　impatience　and　hideous　irritability　that　for　one　which　I　detain　and　write　down　fifty　escape　me：　　in　spite　of　my　weariness　from　suffering　and　want　of　sleep；　I　cannot　stand　still　or　sit　for　two　minutes　together。　　'I　nunc；　et　versus　tecum　meditare　canoros。'〃

At　this　stage　of　my　experiment　I　sent　to　a　neighbouring　surgeon；　requesting　that　he　would　come　over　to　see　me。　　In　the　evening　he　came；　and　after　briefly　stating　the　case　to　him；　I　asked　this　question；　Whether　he　did　not　think　that　the　opium　might　have　acted　as　a　stimulus　to　the　digestive　organs；　and　that　the　present　state　of　suffering　in　the　stomach；　which　manifestly　was　the　cause　of　the　inability　to　sleep；　might　arise　from　indigestion？　　His　answer　was；　No；　on　the　contrary；　he　thought　that　the　suffering　was　caused　by　digestion　itself；　which　should　naturally　go　on　below　the　consciousness；　but　which　from　the　unnatural　state　of　the　stomach；　vitiated　by　so　long　a　use　of　opium；　was　become　distinctly　perceptible。　　This　opinion　was　plausible；　and　the　unintermitting　nature　of　the　suffering　disposes　me　to　think　that　it　was　true；　for　if　it　had　been　any　mere　IRREGULAR　affection　of　the　stomach；　it　should　naturally　have　intermitted　occasionally；　and　constantly　fluctuated　as　to　degree。　　The　intention　of　nature；　as　manifested　in　the　healthy　state；　obviously　is　to　withdraw　from　our　notice　all　the　vital　motions；　such　as　the　circulation　of　the　blood；　the　expansion　and　contraction　of　the　lungs；　the　peristaltic　action　of　the　stomach；　&c。；　and　opium；　it　seems；　is　able　in　this；　as　in　other　instances；　to　counteract　her　purposes。　　By　the　advice　of　the　surgeon　I　tried　BITTERS。　　For　a　short　time　these　greatly　mitigated　the　feelings　under　which　I　laboured；　but　about　the　forty…second　day　of　the　experiment　the　symptoms　already　noticed　began　to　retire；　and　new　ones　to　arise　of　a　different　and　far　more　tormenting　class；　under　these；　but　with　a　few　intervals　of　remission；　I　have　since　continued　to　suffer。　　But　I　dismiss　them　undescribed　for　two　reasons：　　first；　because　the　mind　revolts　from　retracing　circumstantially　any　sufferings　from　which　it　is　removed　by　too　short　or　by　no　interval。　To　do　this　with　minuteness　enough　to　make　the　review　of　any　use　would　be　indeed　infandum　renovare　dolorem；　and　possibly　without　a　sufficient　motive；　for　secondly；　I　doubt　whether　this　latter　state　be　anyway　referable　to　opiumpositively　considered；　or　even　negatively；　that　is；　whether　it　is　to　be　numbered　amongst　the　last　evils　from　the　direct　action　of　opium；　or　even　amongst　the　earliest　evils　consequent　upon　a　WANT　of　opium　in　a　system　long　deranged　by　its　use。　　Certainly　one　part　of　the　symptoms　might　be　accounted　for　from　the　time　of　year　（August）；　for　though　the　summer　was　not　a　hot　one；　yet　in　any　case　the　sum　of　all　the　heat　FUNDED　（if　one　may　say　so）　during　the　previous　months；　added　to　the　existing　heat　of　that　month；　naturally　renders　August　in　its　better　half　the　hottest　part　of　the　year；　and　it　so　happened　thatthe　excessive　perspiration　which　even　at　Christmas　attends　any　great　reduction　in　the　daily　quantum　of　opiumand　which　in　July　was　so　violent　as　to　oblige　me　to　use　a　bath　five　or　six　times　a　dayhad　about　the　setting…in　of　the　hottest　season　wholly　retired；　on　which　account　any　bad　effect　of　the　heat　might　be　the　more　unmitigated。　　Another　symptomviz。；　what　in　my　ignorance　I　call　internal　rheumatism　（sometimes　affecting　the　shoulders；　&c。；　but　more　often　appearing　to　be　seated　in　the　stomach）seemed　again　less　probably　attributable　to　the　opium；　or　the　want　of　opium；　than　to　the　dampness　of　the　house　｛21｝　which　I　inhabit；　which　had　about　this　time　attained　its　maximum；　July　having　been；　as　usual；　a　month　of　incessant　rain　in　our　most　rainy　part　of　England。

Under　these　reasons　for　doubting　whether　opium　had　any　connexion　with　the　latter　stage　of　my　bodily　wretchednessexcept；　indeed；　as　an　occasional　cause；　as　having　left　the　body　weaker　and　more　crazy；　and　thus　predisposed　to　any　mal…influence　whateverI　willingly　spare　my　reader　all　description　of　it；　let　it　perish　to　him；　and　would　that　I　could　as　easily　say　let　it　perish　to　my　own　remembrances；　that　any　future　hours　of　tranquillity　may　not　be　disturbed　by　too　vivid　an　ideal　of　possible　human　misery！

So　much　for　the　sequel　of　my　experiment。　　As　to　the　former　stage；　in　which　probably　lies　the　experiment　and　its　application　to　other　cases；　I　must　request　my　reader　not　to　forget　the　reasons　for　which　I　have　recorded　it。　　These　were　two：　　First；　a　belief　that　I　might　add　some　trifle　to　the　history　of　opium　as　a　medical　agent。　　In　this　I　am　aware　that　I　have　not　at　all　fulfilled　my　own　intentions；　in　consequence　of　the　torpor　of　mind；　pain　of　body；　and　extreme　disgust　to　the　subject　which　besieged　me　whilst　writing　that　part　of　my　paper；　which　part　being　immediately　sent　off　to　the　press　（distant　about　five　degrees　of　latitude）；　cannot　be　corrected　or　improved。　But　from　this　account；　rambling　as　it　may　be；　it　is　evident　that　thus　much　of　benefit　may　arise　to　the　persons　most　interested　in　such　a　history　of　opium；　viz。；　to　opium…eaters　in　general；　that　it　establishes；　for　their　consolation　and　encouragement；　the　fact　that　opium　may　be　renounced；　and　without　greater　sufferings　than　an　ordinary　resolution　may　support；　and　by　a　pretty　rapid　course　｛22｝　of　descent。

To　communicate　this　result　of　my　experiment　was　my　foremost　purpose。　Secondly；　as　a　purpose　collateral　to　this；　I　wished　to　explain　how　it　had　become　impossible　for　me　to　compose　a　Third　Part　in　time　to　accompany　this　republication；　for　during　the　time　of　this　experiment　the　proof…sheets　of　this　reprint　were　sent　to　me　from　London；　and　such　was　my　inability　to　expand　or　to　improve　them；　that　I　could　not　even　bear　to　read　them　over　with　attention　enough　to　notice　the　press　errors　or　to　correct　any　verbal　inaccuracies。　　These　were　my　reasons　for　troubling　my　reader　with　any　record；　long　or　short；　of　experiments　relating　to　so　truly　base　a　subject　as　my　own　body；　and　I　am　earnest　with　the　reader　that　he　will　not　forget　them；　or　so　far　misapprehend　me　as　to　believe　it　possible　that　I　would　condescend　to　so　rascally　a　subject　for　its　own　sake；　or　indeed　for　any　less　object　than　that　of　general　benefit　to　others。　　Such　an　animal　as　the　self…observing　valetudinarian　I　know　there　is；　I　have　met　him　myself　occasionally；　and　I　know　that　he　is　the　worst　imaginable　HEAUTONTIMOROUMENOS；　aggravating　and　sustaining；　by　calling　into　distinct　consciousness；　every　symptom　that　would　else　perhaps；　under　a　different　direction　given　to　the　thoughts；　become　evanescent。　　But　as　to　myself；　so　profound　is　my　contempt　for　this　undignified　and　selfish　habit；　that　I　could　as　little　condescend　to　it　as　I　could　to　spend　my　time　in　watching　a　poor　servant　girl；　to　whom　at　this　moment　I　hear　some　lad　or　other　making　love　at　the　back　of　my　house。　Is　it　for　a　Transcendental　Philosopher　to　feel　any　curiosity　on　such　an　occasion？　　Or　can　I；　whose　life　is　worth　only　eight　and　a　half　years'　purchase；　be　supposed　to　have　leisure　for　such　trivial　employments？　　However；　to　put　this　out　of　question；　I　shall　say　one　thing；　which　will　perhaps　shock　some　readers；　but　I　am　sure　it　ought　not　to　do　so；　considering　the　motives　on　which　I　say　it。　　No　man；　I　suppose；　employs　much　of　his　time　on　the　phenomena　of　his　own　body　without　some　regard　for　it；　whereas　the　reader　sees　that；　so　far　from　looking　upon　mine　with　any　complacency　or　regard；　I　hate　it；　and　make　it　the　object　of　my　bitter　ridicule　and　contempt；　and　I　should　not　be　displeased　to　know　that　the　last　indignities　which　the　law　inflicts　upon　the　bodies　of　the　worst　malefactors　might　hereafter　fall　upon　it。　　And；　in　testification　of　my　sincerity　in　saying　this；　I　shall　make　the　following　offer。　　Like　other　men；　I　have　particular　fancies　about　the　place　of　my　burial；　having　live