confessions of an english opium-eater-第22章

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　I　could　sooner　live　with　lunatics　or　brute　animals。　　All　this；　and　much　more　than　I　can　say　or　have　time　to　say；　the　reader　must　enter　into　before　he　can　comprehend　the　unimaginable　horror　which　these　dreams　of　Oriental　imagery　and　mythological　tortures　impressed　upon　me。　　Under　the　connecting　feeling　of　tropical　heat　and　vertical　sunlights　I　brought　together　all　creatures；　birds；　beasts；　reptiles；　all　trees　and　plants；　usages　and　appearances；　that　are　found　in　all　tropical　regions；　and　assembled　them　together　in　China　or　Indostan。　　From　kindred　feelings；　I　soon　brought　Egypt　and　all　her　gods　under　the　same　law。　I　was　stared　at；　hooted　at；　grinned　at；　chattered　at；　by　monkeys；　by　parroquets；　by　cockatoos。　　I　ran　into　pagodas；　and　was　fixed　for　centuries　at　the　summit　or　in　secret　rooms：　　I　was　the　idol；　I　was　the　priest；　I　was　worshipped；　I　was　sacrificed。　　I　fled　from　the　wrath　of　Brama　through　all　the　forests　of　Asia：　　Vishnu　hated　me：　Seeva　laid　wait　for　me。　　I　came　suddenly　upon　Isis　and　Osiris：　　I　had　done　a　deed；　they　said；　which　the　ibis　and　the　crocodile　trembled　at。　　I　was　buried　for　a　thousand　years　in　stone　coffins；　with　mummies　and　sphynxes；　in　narrow　chambers　at　the　heart　of　eternal　pyramids。　　I　was　kissed；　with　cancerous　kisses；　by　crocodiles；　and　laid；　confounded　with　all　unutterable　slimy　things；　amongst　reeds　and　Nilotic　mud。

I　thus　give　the　reader　some　slight　abstraction　of　my　Oriental　dreams；　which　always　filled　me　with　such　amazement　at　the　monstrous　scenery　that　horror　seemed　absorbed　for　a　while　in　sheer　astonishment。　　Sooner　or　later　came　a　reflux　of　feeling　that　swallowed　up　the　astonishment；　and　left　me　not　so　much　in　terror　as　in　hatred　and　abomination　of　what　I　saw。　　Over　every　form；　and　threat；　and　punishment；　and　dim　sightless　incarceration；　brooded　a　sense　of　eternity　and　infinity　that　drove　me　into　an　oppression　as　of　madness。　　Into　these　dreams　only　it　was；　with　one　or　two　slight　exceptions；　that　any　circumstances　of　physical　horror　entered。　　All　before　had　been　moral　and　spiritual　terrors。　　But　here　the　main　agents　were　ugly　birds；　or　snakes；　or　crocodiles；　especially　the　last。　　The　cursed　crocodile　became　to　me　the　object　of　more　horror　than　almost　all　the　rest。　　I　was　compelled　to　live　with　him；　and　（as　was　always　the　case　almost　in　my　dreams）　for　centuries。　　I　escaped　sometimes；　and　found　myself　in　Chinese　houses；　with　cane　tables；　&c。　All　the　feet　of　the　tables；　sofas；　&c。；　soon　became　instinct　with　life：　　the　abominable　head　of　the　crocodile；　and　his　leering　eyes；　looked　out　at　me；　multiplied　into　a　thousand　repetitions；　and　I　stood　loathing　and　fascinated。　　And　so　often　did　this　hideous　reptile　haunt　my　dreams　that　many　times　the　very　same　dream　was　broken　up　in　the　very　same　way：　　I　heard　gentle　voices　speaking　to　me　（I　hear　everything　when　I　am　sleeping）；　and　instantly　I　awoke。　It　was　broad　noon；　and　my　children　were　standing；　hand　in　hand；　at　my　bedsidecome　to　show　me　their　coloured　shoes；　or　new　frocks；　or　to　let　me　see　them　dressed　for　going　out。　　I　protest　that　so　awful　was　the　transition　from　the　damned　crocodile；　and　the　other　unutterable　monsters　and　abortions　of　my　dreams；　to　the　sight　of　innocent　HUMAN　natures　and　of　infancy；　that　in　the　mighty　and　sudden　revulsion　of　mind　I　wept；　and　could　not　forbear　it；　as　I　kissed　their　faces。


June　1819


I　have　had　occasion　to　remark；　at　various　periods　of　my　life；　that　the　deaths　of　those　whom　we　love；　and　indeed　the　contemplation　of　death　generally；　is　（caeteris　paribus）　more　affecting　in　summer　than　in　any　other　season　of　the　year。　　And　the　reasons　are　these　three；　I　think：　　first；　that　the　visible　heavens　in　summer　appear　far　higher；　more　distant；　and　（if　such　a　solecism　may　be　excused）　more　infinite；　the　clouds；　by　which　chiefly　the　eye　expounds　the　distance　of　the　blue　pavilion　stretched　over　our　heads；　are　in　summer　more　voluminous；　massed　and　accumulated　in　far　grander　and　more　towering　piles。　　Secondly；　the　light　and　the　appearances　of　the　declining　and　the　setting　sun　are　much　more　fitted　to　be　types　and　characters　of　the　Infinite。　　And　thirdly　（which　is　the　main　reason）；　the　exuberant　and　riotous　prodigality　of　life　naturally　forces　the　mind　more　powerfully　upon　the　antagonist　thought　of　death；　and　the　wintry　sterility　of　the　grave。　　For　it　may　be　observed　generally；　that　wherever　two　thoughts　stand　related　to　each　other　by　a　law　of　antagonism；　and　exist；　as　it　were；　by　mutual　repulsion；　they　are　apt　to　suggest　each　other。　　On　these　accounts　it　is　that　I　find　it　impossible　to　banish　the　thought　of　death　when　I　am　walking　alone　in　the　endless　days　of　summer；　and　any　particular　death；　if　not　more　affecting；　at　least　haunts　my　mind　more　obstinately　and　besiegingly　in　that　season。　　Perhaps　this　cause；　and　a　slight　incident　which　I　omit；　might　have　been　the　immediate　occasions　of　the　following　dream；　to　which；　however；　a　predisposition　must　always　have　existed　in　my　mind；　but　having　been　once　roused　it　never　left　me；　and　split　into　a　thousand　fantastic　varieties；　which　often　suddenly　reunited；　and　composed　again　the　original　dream。

I　thought　that　it　was　a　Sunday　morning　in　May；　that　it　was　Easter　Sunday；　and　as　yet　very　early　in　the　morning。　　I　was　standing；　as　it　seemed　to　me；　at　the　door　of　my　own　cottage。　　Right　before　me　lay　the　very　scene　which　could　really　be　commanded　from　that　situation；　but　exalted；　as　was　usual；　and　solemnised　by　the　power　of　dreams。　There　were　the　same　mountains；　and　the　same　lovely　valley　at　their　feet；　but　the　mountains　were　raised　to　more　than　Alpine　height；　and　there　was　interspace　far　larger　between　them　of　meadows　and　forest　lawns；　the　hedges　were　rich　with　white　roses；　and　no　living　creature　was　to　be　seen；　excepting　that　in　the　green　churchyard　there　were　cattle　tranquilly　reposing　upon　the　verdant　graves；　and　particularly　round　about　the　grave　of　a　child　whom　I　had　tenderly　loved；　just　as　I　had　really　beheld　them；　a　little　before　sunrise　in　the　same　summer；　when　that　child　died。　　I　gazed　upon　the　well…known　scene；　and　I　said　aloud　（as　I　thought）　to　myself；　〃It　yet　wants　much　of　sunrise；　and　it　is　Easter　Sunday；　and　that　is　the　day　on　which　they　celebrate　the　first　fruits　of　resurrection。　　I　will　walk　abroad；　old　griefs　shall　be　forgotten　to…day；　for　the　air　is　cool　and　still；　and　the　hills　are　high　and　stretch　away　to　heaven；　and　the　forest　glades　are　as　quiet　as　the　churchyard；　and　with　the　dew　I　can　wash　the　fever　from　my　forehead；　and　then　I　shall　be　unhappy　no　longer。〃　　And　I　turned　as　if　to　open　my　garden　gate；　and　immediately　I　saw　upon　the　left　a　scene　far　different；　but　which　yet　the　power　of　dreams　had　reconciled　into　harmony　with　the　other。　　The　scene　was　an　Oriental　one；　and　there　also　it　was　Easter　Sunday；　and　very　early　in　the　morning。　　And　at　a　vast　distance　were　visible；　as　a　stain　upon　the　horizon；　the　domes　and　cupolas　of　a　great　cityan　image　or　faint　abstraction；　caught　perhaps　in　childhood　from　some　picture　of　Jerusalem。　　And　not　a　bow…shot　from　me；　upon　a　stone　and　shaded　by　Judean　palms；　there　sat　a　woman；　and　I　looked；　and　it　wasAnn！　　She　fixed　her　eyes　upon　me　earnestly；　and　I　said　to　her　at　length：　　〃So；　then；　I　have　found　you　at　last。〃　　I　waited；　but　she　answered　me　not　a　word。　　Her　face　was　the　same　as　when　I　saw　it　last；　and　yet　again　how　different！　　Seventeen　years　ago；　when　the　lamp…light　fell　upon　her　face；　as　for　the　last　time　I　kissed　her　lips　（lips；　Ann；　that　to　me　were　not　polluted）；　her　eyes　were　streaming　with　tears：　　the　tears　were　now　wiped　away；　she　seemed　more　beautiful　than　she　was　at　that　time；　but　in　all　other　points　the　same；　and　not　older。　　Her　looks　were　tranquil；　but　with　unusual　solemnity　of　expression；　and　I　now　gazed　upon　her　with　some　awe；　but　suddenly　her　countenance　grew　dim；　and　turning　to　the　mountains　I　perceived　vapours　rolling　between　us。　　In　a　moment　all　had　vanished；　thick　darkness　came　on；　and　in　the　twinkling　of　an　eye　I　was　far　away　from　mountains；　and　by　lamplight　in　Oxford　Street；　walking　again　with　Annjust　as　we　walked　seventeen　years　before；　when　we　were　both　children。

As　a　final　specimen；　I　cite　one　of　a　different　character；　from　1820。

The　dream　commenced　with　a　music　which　now　I　often　heard　in　dreams　a　music　of　prepa