confessions of an english opium-eater-第20章

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ks　or　even　months　on　my　writing…table。　　Without　the　aid　of　M。　all　records　of　bills　paid　or　TO　BE　paid　must　have　perished；　and　my　whole　domestic　economy；　whatever　became　of　Political　Economy；　must　have　gone　into　irretrievable　confusion。　　I　shall　not　afterwards　allude　to　this　part　of　the　case。　　It　is　one；　however；　which　the　opium…eater　will　find；　in　the　end；　as　oppressive　and　tormenting　as　any　other；　from　the　sense　of　incapacity　and　feebleness；　from　the　direct　embarrassments　incident　to　the　neglect　or　procrastination　of　each　day's　appropriate　duties；　and　from　the　remorse　which　must　often　exasperate　the　stings　of　these　evils　to　a　reflective　and　conscientious　mind。　　The　opium…eater　loses　none　of　his　moral　sensibilities　or　aspirations。　　He　wishes　and　longs　as　earnestly　as　ever　to　realize　what　he　believes　possible；　and　feels　to　be　exacted　by　duty；　but　his　intellectual　apprehension　of　what　is　possible　infinitely　outruns　his　power；　not　of　execution　only；　but　even　of　power　to　attempt。　　He　lies　under　the　weight　of　incubus　and　nightmare；　he　lies　in　sight　of　all　that　he　would　fain　perform；　just　as　a　man　forcibly　confined　to　his　bed　by　the　mortal　languor　of　a　relaxing　disease；　who　is　compelled　to　witness　injury　or　outrage　offered　to　some　object　of　his　tenderest　love：　　he　curses　the　spells　which　chain　him　down　from　motion；　he　would　lay　down　his　life　if　he　might　but　get　up　and　walk；　but　he　is　powerless　as　an　infant；　and　cannot　even　attempt　to　rise。

I　now　pass　to　what　is　the　main　subject　of　these　latter　confessions；　to　the　history　and　journal　of　what　took　place　in　my　dreams；　for　these　were　the　immediate　and　proximate　cause　of　my　acutest　suffering。

The　first　notice　I　had　of　any　important　change　going　on　in　this　part　of　my　physical　economy　was　from　the　reawakening　of　a　state　of　eye　generally　incident　to　childhood；　or　exalted　states　of　irritability。　I　know　not　whether　my　reader　is　aware　that　many　children；　perhaps　most；　have　a　power　of　painting；　as　it　were　upon　the　darkness；　all　sorts　of　phantoms。　　In　some　that　power　is　simply　a　mechanical　affection　of　the　eye；　others　have　a　voluntary　or　semi…voluntary　power　to　dismiss　or　to　summon　them；　or；　as　a　child　once　said　to　me　when　I　questioned　him　on　this　matter；　〃I　can　tell　them　to　go；　and　they　go　…；　but　sometimes　they　come　when　I　don't　tell　them　to　come。〃　Whereupon　I　told　him　that　he　had　almost　as　unlimited　a　command　over　apparitions　as　a　Roman　centurion　over　his　soldiers。In　the　middle　of　1817；　I　think　it　was；　that　this　faculty　became　positively　distressing　to　me：　　at　night；　when　I　lay　awake　in　bed；　vast　processions　passed　along　in　mournful　pomp；　friezes　of　never…ending　stories；　that　to　my　feelings　were　as　sad　and　solemn　as　if　they　were　stories　drawn　from　times　before　OEdipus　or　Priam；　before　Tyre；　before　Memphis。　　And　at　the　same　time　a　corresponding　change　took　place　in　my　dreams；　a　theatre　seemed　suddenly　opened　and　lighted　up　within　my　brain；　which　presented　nightly　spectacles　of　more　than　earthly　splendour。　　And　the　four　following　facts　may　be　mentioned　as　noticeable　at　this　time：

1。　　That　as　the　creative　state　of　the　eye　increased；　a　sympathy　seemed　to　arise　between　the　waking　and　the　dreaming　states　of　the　brain　in　one　pointthat　whatsoever　I　happened　to　call　up　and　to　trace　by　a　voluntary　act　upon　the　darkness　was　very　apt　to　transfer　itself　to　my　dreams；　so　that　I　feared　to　exercise　this　faculty；　for；　as　Midas　turned　all　things　to　gold　that　yet　baffled　his　hopes　and　defrauded　his　human　desires；　so　whatsoever　things　capable　of　being　visually　represented　I　did　but　think　of　in　the　darkness；　immediately　shaped　themselves　into　phantoms　of　the　eye；　and　by　a　process　apparently　no　less　inevitable；　when　thus　once　traced　in　faint　and　visionary　colours；　like　writings　in　sympathetic　ink；　they　were　drawn　out　by　the　fierce　chemistry　of　my　dreams　into　insufferable　splendour　that　fretted　my　heart。

2。　　For　this　and　all　other　changes　in　my　dreams　were　accompanied　by　deep…seated　anxiety　and　gloomy　melancholy；　such　as　are　wholly　incommunicable　by　words。　　I　seemed　every　night　to　descend；　not　metaphorically；　but　literally　to　descend；　into　chasms　and　sunless　abysses；　depths　below　depths；　from　which　it　seemed　hopeless　that　I　could　ever　reascend。　　Nor　did　I；　by　waking；　feel　that　I　HAD　reascended。　　This　I　do　not　dwell　upon；　because　the　state　of　gloom　which　attended　these　gorgeous　spectacles；　amounting　at　last　to　utter　darkness；　as　of　some　suicidal　despondency；　cannot　be　approached　by　words。

3。　　The　sense　of　space；　and　in　the　end　the　sense　of　time；　were　both　powerfully　affected。　　Buildings；　landscapes；　&c。；　were　exhibited　in　proportions　so　vast　as　the　bodily　eye　is　not　fitted　to　receive。　Space　swelled；　and　was　amplified　to　an　extent　of　unutterable　infinity。　　This；　however；　did　not　disturb　me　so　much　as　the　vast　expansion　of　time；　I　sometimes　seemed　to　have　lived　for　70　or　100　years　in　one　nightnay；　sometimes　had　feelings　representative　of　a　millennium　passed　in　that　time；　or；　however；　of　a　duration　far　beyond　the　limits　of　any　human　experience。

4。　　The　minutest　incidents　of　childhood；　or　forgotten　scenes　of　later　years；　were　often　revived：　　I　could　not　be　said　to　recollect　them；　for　if　I　had　been　told　of　them　when　waking；　I　should　not　have　been　able　to　acknowledge　them　as　parts　of　my　past　experience。　　But　placed　as　they　were　before　me；　in　dreams　like　intuitions；　and　clothed　in　all　their　evanescent　circumstances　and　accompanying　feelings；　I　RECOGNISED　them　instantaneously。　　I　was　once　told　by　a　near　relative　of　mine；　that　having　in　her　childhood　fallen　into　a　river；　and　being　on　the　very　verge　of　death　but　for　the　critical　assistance　which　reached　her；　she　saw　in　a　moment　her　whole　life；　in　its　minutest　incidents；　arrayed　before　her　simultaneously　as　in　a　mirror；　and　she　had　a　faculty　developed　as　suddenly　for　comprehending　the　whole　and　every　part。　　This；　from　some　opium　experiences　of　mine；　I　can　believe；　I　have　indeed　seen　the　same　thing　asserted　twice　in　modern　books；　and　accompanied　by　a　remark　which　I　am　convinced　is　true；　viz。；　that　the　dread　book　of　account　which　the　Scriptures　speak　of　is　in　fact　the　mind　itself　of　each　individual。　　Of　this　at　least　I　feel　assured；　that　there　is　no　such　thing　as　FORGETTING　possible　to　the　mind；　a　thousand　accidents　may　and　will　interpose　a　veil　between　our　present　consciousness　and　the　secret　inscriptions　on　the　mind；　accidents　of　the　same　sort　will　also　rend　away　this　veil；　but　alike；　whether　veiled　or　unveiled；　the　inscription　remains　for　ever；　just　as　the　stars　seem　to　withdraw　before　the　common　light　of　day；　whereas　in　fact　we　all　know　that　it　is　the　light　which　is　drawn　over　them　as　a　veil；　and　that　they　are　waiting　to　be　revealed　when　the　obscuring　daylight　shall　have　withdrawn。

Having　noticed　these　four　facts　as　memorably　distinguishing　my　dreams　from　those　of　health；　I　shall　now　cite　a　case　illustrative　of　the　first　fact；　and　shall　then　cite　any　others　that　I　remember；　either　in　their　chronological　order；　or　any　other　that　may　give　them　more　effect　as　pictures　to　the　reader。

I　had　been　in　youth；　and　even　since；　for　occasional　amusement；　a　great　reader　of　Livy；　whom　I　confess　that　I　prefer；　both　for　style　and　matter；　to　any　other　of　the　Roman　historians；　and　I　had　often　felt　as　most　solemn　and　appalling　sounds；　and　most　emphatically　representative　of　the　majesty　of　the　Roman　people；　the　two　words　so　often　occurring　in　LivyConsul　Romanus；　especially　when　the　consul　is　introduced　in　his　military　character。　　I　mean　to　say　that　the　words　king；　sultan；　regent；　&c。；　or　any　other　titles　of　those　who　embody　in　their　own　persons　the　collective　majesty　of　a　great　people；　had　less　power　over　my　reverential　feelings。　　I　had　also；　though　no　great　reader　of　history；　made　myself　minutely　and　critically　familiar　with　one　period　of　English　history；　viz。；　the　period　of　the　Parliamentary　War；　having　been　attracted　by　the　moral　grandeur　of　some　who　figured　in　that　day；　and　by　the　many　interesting　memoirs　which　survive　those　unquiet　times。　　Both　these　parts　of　my　lighter　reading；　having　furnished　me　often　with　matter　of　reflection；　now　furnished　me　with　matter　for　my　dreams。　　Often　I　used　to　see；　after　painting　upon　the　blank　darkness　a　sort　of　rehearsal　whilst　waking；　a　crowd