confessions of an english opium-eater-第18章

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during　which　happiness　is　in　season；　which；　in　my　judgment；　enters　the　room　with　the　tea…tray；　for　tea；　though　ridiculed　by　those　who　are　naturally　of　coarse　nerves；　or　are　become　so　from　wine…drinking；　and　are　not　susceptible　of　influence　from　so　refined　a　stimulant；　will　always　be　the　favourite　beverage　of　the　intellectual；　and；　for　my　part；　I　would　have　joined　Dr。　Johnson　in　a　bellum　internecinum　against　Jonas　Hanway；　or　any　other　impious　person；　who　should　presume　to　disparage　it。　　But　here；　to　save　myself　the　trouble　of　too　much　verbal　description；　I　will　introduce　a　painter；　and　give　him　directions　for　the　rest　of　the　picture。　　Painters　do　not　like　white　cottages；　unless　a　good　deal　weather…stained；　but　as　the　reader　now　understands　that　it　is　a　winter　night；　his　services　will　not　be　required　except　for　the　inside　of　the　house。

Paint　me；　then；　a　room　seventeen　feet　by　twelve；　and　not　more　than　seven　and　a　half　feet　high。　　This；　reader；　is　somewhat　ambitiously　styled　in　my　family　the　drawing…room；　but　being　contrived　〃a　double　debt　to　pay；〃　it　is　also；　and　more　justly；　termed　the　library；　for　it　happens　that　books　are　the　only　article　of　property　in　which　I　am　richer　than　my　neighbours。　　Of　these　I　have　about　five　thousand；　collected　gradually　since　my　eighteenth　year。　　Therefore；　painter；　put　as　many　as　you　can　into　this　room。　　Make　it　populous　with　books；　and；　furthermore；　paint　me　a　good　fire；　and　furniture　plain　and　modest；　befitting　the　unpretending　cottage　of　a　scholar。　　And　near　the　fire　paint　me　a　tea…table；　and　（as　it　is　clear　that　no　creature　can　come　to　see　one　such　a　stormy　night）　place　only　two　cups　and　saucers　on　the　tea…tray；　and；　if　you　know　how　to　paint　such　a　thing　symbolically　or　otherwise；　paint　me　an　eternal　tea…poteternal　a　parte　ante　and　a　parte　postfor　I　usually　drink　tea　from　eight　o'clock　at　night　to　four　o'clock　in　the　morning。　　And　as　it　is　very　unpleasant　to　make　tea　or　to　pour　it　out　for　oneself；　paint　me　a　lovely　young　woman　sitting　at　the　table。　　Paint　her　arms　like　Aurora's　and　her　smiles　like　Hebe's。　　But　no；　dear　M。；　not　even　in　jest　let　me　insinuate　that　thy　power　to　illuminate　my　cottage　rests　upon　a　tenure　so　perishable　as　mere　personal　beauty；　or　that　the　witchcraft　of　angelic　smiles　lies　within　the　empire　of　any　earthly　pencil。　　Pass　then；　my　good　painter；　to　something　more　within　its　power；　and　the　next　article　brought　forward　should　naturally　be　myselfa　picture　of　the　Opium…eater；　with　his　〃little　golden　receptacle　of　the　pernicious　drug〃　lying　beside　him　on　the　table。　As　to　the　opium；　I　have　no　objection　to　see　a　picture　of　THAT；　though　I　would　rather　see　the　original。　　You　may　paint　it　if　you　choose；　but　I　apprise　you　that　no　〃little〃　receptacle　would；　even　in　1816；　answer　MY　purpose；　who　was　at　a　distance　from　the　〃stately　Pantheon；〃　and　all　druggists　（mortal　or　otherwise）。　　No；　you　may　as　well　paint　the　real　receptacle；　which　was　not　of　gold；　but　of　glass；　and　as　much　like　a　wine…decanter　as　possible。　　Into　this　you　may　put　a　quart　of　ruby…coloured　laudanum；　that；　and　a　book　of　German　Metaphysics　placed　by　its　side；　will　sufficiently　attest　my　being　in　the　neighbourhood。　　But　as　to　myselfthere　I　demur。　　I　admit　that；　naturally；　I　ought　to　occupy　the　foreground　of　the　picture；　that　being　the　hero　of　the　piece；　or　（if　you　choose）　the　criminal　at　the　bar；　my　body　should　be　had　into　court。　　This　seems　reasonable；　but　why　should　I　confess　on　this　point　to　a　painter？　or　why　confess　at　all？　　If　the　public　（into　whose　private　ear　I　am　confidentially　whispering　my　confessions；　and　not　into　any　painter's）　should　chance　to　have　framed　some　agreeable　picture　for　itself　of　the　Opium…　eater's　exterior；　should　have　ascribed　to　him；　romantically　an　elegant　person　or　a　handsome　face；　why　should　I　barbarously　tear　from　it　so　pleasing　a　delusionpleasing　both　to　the　public　and　to　me？　　No；　paint　me；　if　at　all；　according　to　your　own　fancy；　and　as　a　painter's　fancy　should　teem　with　beautiful　creations；　I　cannot　fail　in　that　way　to　be　a　gainer。　　And　now；　reader；　we　have　run　through　all　the　ten　categories　of　my　condition　as　it　stood　about　1816…17；　up　to　the　middle　of　which　latter　year　I　judge　myself　to　have　been　a　happy　man；　and　the　elements　of　that　happiness　I　have　endeavoured　to　place　before　you　in　the　above　sketch　of　the　interior　of　a　scholar's　library；　in　a　cottage　among　the　mountains；　on　a　stormy　winter　evening。

But　now；　farewella　long　farewellto　happiness；　winter　or　summer！　Farewell　to　smiles　and　laughter！　　Farewell　to　peace　of　mind！　Farewell　to　hope　and　to　tranquil　dreams；　and　to　the　blessed　consolations　of　sleep。　　For　more　than　three　years　and　a　half　I　am　summoned　away　from　these。　　I　am　now　arrived　at　an　Iliad　of　woes；　for　I　have　now　to　record


THE　PAINS　OF　OPIUM


As　when　some　great　painter　dips　His　pencil　in　the　gloom　of　earthquake　and　eclipse。　SHELLEY'S　Revolt　of　Islam。

Reader；　who　have　thus　far　accompanied　me；　I　must　request　your　attention　to　a　brief　explanatory　note　on　three　points：

1。　　For　several　reasons　I　have　not　been　able　to　compose　the　notes　for　this　part　of　my　narrative　into　any　regular　and　connected　shape。　I　give　the　notes　disjointed　as　I　find　them；　or　have　now　drawn　them　up　from　memory。　　Some　of　them　point　to　their　own　date；　some　I　have　dated；　and　some　are　undated。　　Whenever　it　could　answer　my　purpose　to　transplant　them　from　the　natural　or　chronological　order；　I　have　not　scrupled　to　do　so。　　Sometimes　I　speak　in　the　present；　sometimes　in　the　past　tense。　　Few　of　the　notes；　perhaps；　were　written　exactly　at　the　period　of　time　to　which　they　relate；　but　this　can　little　affect　their　accuracy；　as　the　impressions　were　such　that　they　can　never　fade　from　my　mind。　　Much　has　been　omitted。　　I　could　not；　without　effort；　constrain　myself　to　the　task　of　either　recalling；　or　constructing　into　a　regular　narrative；　the　whole　burthen　of　horrors　which　lies　upon　my　brain。　　This　feeling　partly　I　plead　in　excuse；　and　partly　that　I　am　now　in　London；　and　am　a　helpless　sort　of　person；　who　cannot　even　arrange　his　own　papers　without　assistance；　and　I　am　separated　from　the　hands　which　are　wont　to　perform　for　me　the　offices　of　an　amanuensis。

2。　　You　will　think　perhaps　that　I　am　too　confidential　and　communicative　of　my　own　private　history。　　It　may　be　so。　　But　my　way　of　writing　is　rather　to　think　aloud；　and　follow　my　own　humours；　than　much　to　consider　who　is　listening　to　me；　and　if　I　stop　to　consider　what　is　proper　to　be　said　to　this　or　that　person；　I　shall　soon　come　to　doubt　whether　any　part　at　all　is　proper。　　The　fact　is；　I　place　myself　at　a　distance　of　fifteen　or　twenty　years　ahead　of　this　time；　and　suppose　myself　writing　to　those　who　will　be　interested　about　me　hereafter；　and　wishing　to　have　some　record　of　time；　the　entire　history　of　which　no　one　can　know　but　myself；　I　do　it　as　fully　as　I　am　able　with　the　efforts　I　am　now　capable　of　making；　because　I　know　not　whether　I　can　ever　find　time　to　do　it　again。

3。　　It　will　occur　to　you　often　to　ask；　why　did　I　not　release　myself　from　the　horrors　of　opium　by　leaving　it　off　or　diminishing　it？　　To　this　I　must　answer　briefly：　　it　might　be　supposed　that　I　yielded　to　the　fascinations　of　opium　too　easily；　it　cannot　be　supposed　that　any　man　can　be　charmed　by　its　terrors。　　The　reader　may　be　sure；　therefore；　that　I　made　attempts　innumerable　to　reduce　the　quantity。　I　add；　that　those　who　witnessed　the　agonies　of　those　attempts；　and　not　myself；　were　the　first　to　beg　me　to　desist。　　But　could　not　have　I　reduced　it　a　drop　a　day；　or；　by　adding　water；　have　bisected　or　trisected　a　drop？　　A　thousand　drops　bisected　would　thus　have　taken　nearly　six　years　to　reduce；　and　that　way　would　certainly　not　have　answered。　　But　this　is　a　common　mistake　of　those　who　know　nothing　of　opium　experimentally；　I　appeal　to　those　who　do；　whether　it　is　not　always　found　that　down　to　a　certain　point　it　can　be　reduced　with　ease　and　even　pleasure；　but　that　after　that　point　further　reduction　causes　intense　suffering。　　Yes；　say　many　thoughtless　persons；　who　know　not　what　they　are　talking　of；　you　will　suffer　a　little　low　spirits　and　dejection　for　a　few　days。　　I　answer；　no；　there　is　nothing　like　low　spirits；　on　the　contrary；　the　mere　animal　spirits　are　uncommonly　raised：　　the　pulse　is　improved：　　the　he