confessions of an english opium-eater-第16章

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of　which　would　be　sufficient　to　toss　and　gore　any　column　of　patient　readers；　though　drawn　up　sixteen　deep　and　constantly　relieved　by　fresh　men；　consequently　that　is　not　to　be　thought　of。　　It　remains；　then；　that　I　POSTULALE　so　much　as　is　necessary　for　my　purpose。　　And　let　me　take　as　full　credit　for　what　I　postulate　as　if　I　had　demonstrated　it；　good　reader；　at　the　expense　of　your　patience　and　my　own。　　Be　not　so　ungenerous　as　to　let　me　suffer　in　your　good　opinion　through　my　own　forbearance　and　regard　for　your　comfort。　　No；　believe　all　that　I　ask　of　youviz。；　that　I　could　resist　no　longer；　believe　it　liberally　and　as　an　act　of　grace；　or　else　in　mere　prudence；　for　if　not；　then　in　the　next　edition　of　my　Opium　Confessions；　revised　and　enlarged；　I　will　make　you　believe　and　tremble；　and　a　force　d'ennuyer；　by　mere　dint　of　pandiculation　I　will　terrify　all　readers　of　mine　from　ever　again　questioning　any　postulate　that　I　shall　think　fit　to　make。

This；　then；　let　me　repeat；　I　postulatethat　at　the　time　I　began　to　take　opium　daily　I　could　not　have　done　otherwise。　　Whether；　indeed；　afterwards　I　might　not　have　succeeded　in　breaking　off　the　habit；　even　when　it　seemed　to　me　that　all　efforts　would　be　unavailing；　and　whether　many　of　the　innumerable　efforts　which　I　did　make　might　not　have　been　carried　much　further；　and　my　gradual　reconquests　of　ground　lost　might　not　have　been　followed　up　much　more　energeticallythese　are　questions　which　I　must　decline。　　Perhaps　I　might　make　out　a　case　of　palliation；　but　shall　I　speak　ingenuously？　　I　confess　it；　as　a　besetting　infirmity　of　mine；　that　I　am　too　much　of　an　Eudaemonist；　I　hanker　too　much　after　a　state　of　happiness；　both　for　myself　and　others；　I　cannot　face　misery；　whether　my　own　or　not；　with　an　eye　of　sufficient　firmness；　and　am　little　capable　of　encountering　present　pain　for　the　sake　of　any　reversionary　benefit。　　On　some　other　matters　I　can　agree　with　the　gentlemen　in　the　cotton　trade　｛15｝　at　Manchester　in　affecting　the　Stoic　philosophy；　but　not　in　this。　　Here　I　take　the　liberty　of　an　Eclectic　philosopher；　and　I　look　out　for　some　courteous　and　considerate　sect　that　will　condescend　more　to　the　infirm　condition　of　an　opium…eater；　that　are　〃sweet　men；〃　as　Chaucer　says；　〃to　give　absolution；〃　and　will　show　some　conscience　in　the　penances　they　inflict；　and　the　efforts　of　abstinence　they　exact　from　poor　sinners　like　myself。　　An　inhuman　moralist　I　can　no　more　endure　in　my　nervous　state　than　opium　that　has　not　been　boiled。　　At　any　rate；　he　who　summons　me　to　send　out　a　large　freight　of　self…denial　and　mortification　upon　any　cruising　voyage　of　moral　improvement；　must　make　it　clear　to　my　understanding　that　the　concern　is　a　hopeful　one。　　At　my　time　of　life　（six…and…thirty　years　of　age）　it　cannot　be　supposed　that　I　have　much　energy　to　spare；　in　fact；　I　find　it　all　little　enough　for　the　intellectual　labours　I　have　on　my　hands；　and　therefore　let　no　man　expect　to　frighten　me　by　a　few　hard　words　into　embarking　any　part　of　it　upon　desperate　adventures　of　morality。

Whether　desperate　or　not；　however；　the　issue　of　the　struggle　in　1813　was　what　I　have　mentioned；　and　from　this　date　the　reader　is　to　consider　me　as　a　regular　and　confirmed　opium…eater；　of　whom　to　ask　whether　on　any　particular　day　he　had　or　had　not　taken　opium；　would　be　to　ask　whether　his　lungs　had　performed　respiration；　or　the　heart　fulfilled　its　functions。　　You　understand　now；　reader；　what　I　am；　and　you　are　by　this　time　aware　that　no　old　gentleman　〃with　a　snow…white　beard〃　will　have　any　chance　of　persuading　me　to　surrender　〃the　little　golden　receptacle　of　the　pernicious　drug。〃　　No；　I　give　notice　to　all；　whether　moralists　or　surgeons；　that　whatever　be　their　pretensions　and　skill　in　their　respective　lines　of　practice；　they　must　not　hope　for　any　countenance　from　me；　if　they　think　to　begin　by　any　savage　proposition　for　a　Lent　or　a　Ramadan　of　abstinence　from　opium。　　This；　then；　being　all　fully　understood　between　us；　we　shall　in　future　sail　before　the　wind。　　Now　then；　reader；　from　1813；　where　all　this　time　we　have　been　sitting　down　and　loitering；　rise　up；　if　you　please；　and　walk　forward　about　three　years　more。　　Now　draw　up　the　curtain；　and　you　shall　see　me　in　a　new　character。

If　any　man；　poor　or　rich；　were　to　say　that　he　would　tell　us　what　had　been　the　happiest　day　in　his　life；　and　the　why　and　the　wherefore；　I　suppose　that　we　should　all　cry　outHear　him！　　Hear　him！　　As　to　the　happiest　DAY；　that　must　be　very　difficult　for　any　wise　man　to　name；　because　any　event　that　could　occupy　so　distinguished　a　place　in　a　man's　retrospect　of　his　life；　or　be　entitled　to　have　shed　a　special　felicity　on　any　one　day；　ought　to　be　of　such　an　enduring　character　as　that　（accidents　apart）　it　should　have　continued　to　shed　the　same　felicity；　or　one　not　distinguishably　less；　on　many　years　together。　To　the　happiest　LUSTRUM；　however；　or　even　to　the　happiest　YEAR；　it　may　be　allowed　to　any　man　to　point　without　discountenance　from　wisdom。　　This　year；　in　my　case；　reader；　was　the　one　which　we　have　now　reached；　though　it　stood；　I　confess；　as　a　parenthesis　between　years　of　a　gloomier　character。　　It　was　a　year　of　brilliant　water　（to　speak　after　the　manner　of　jewellers）；　set　as　it　were；　and　insulated；　in　the　gloom　and　cloudy　melancholy　of　opium。　　Strange　as　it　may　sound；　I　had　a　little　before　this　time　descended　suddenly；　and　without　any　considerable　effort；　from　320　grains　of　opium　（i。e。　eight　｛16｝　thousand　drops　of　laudanum）　per　day；　to　forty　grains；　or　one…eighth　part。　　Instantaneously；　and　as　if　by　magic；　the　cloud　of　profoundest　melancholy　which　rested　upon　my　brain；　like　some　black　vapours　that　I　have　seen　roll　away　from　the　summits　of　mountains；　drew　off　in　one　day　（＇Greek　text＇）；　passed　off　with　its　murky　banners　as　simultaneously　as　a　ship　that　has　been　stranded；　and　is　floated　off　by　a　spring　tide　…


That　moveth　altogether；　if　it　move　at　all。


Now；　then；　I　was　again　happy；　I　now　took　only　1000　drops　of　laudanum　per　day；　and　what　was　that？　　A　latter　spring　had　come　to　close　up　the　season　of　youth；　my　brain　performed　its　functions　as　healthily　as　ever　before；　I　read　Kant　again；　and　again　I　understood　him；　or　fancied　that　I　did。　　Again　my　feelings　of　pleasure　expanded　themselves　to　all　around　me；　and　if　any　man　from　Oxford　or　Cambridge；　or　from　neither；　had　been　announced　to　me　in　my　unpretending　cottage；　I　should　have　welcomed　him　with　as　sumptuous　a　reception　as　so　poor　a　man　could　offer。　　Whatever　else　was　wanting　to　a　wise　man's　happiness；　of　laudanum　I　would　have　given　him　as　much　as　he　wished；　and　in　a　golden　cup。　　And；　by　the　way；　now　that　I　speak　of　giving　laudanum　away；　I　remember　about　this　time　a　little　incident；　which　I　mention　because；　trifling　as　it　was；　the　reader　will　soon　meet　it　again　in　my　dreams；　which　it　influenced　more　fearfully　than　could　be　imagined。　　One　day　a　Malay　knocked　at　my　door。　　What　business　a　Malay　could　have　to　transact　amongst　English　mountains　I　cannot　conjecture；　but　possibly　he　was　on　his　road　to　a　seaport　about　forty　miles　distant。

The　servant　who　opened　the　door　to　him　was　a　young　girl；　born　and　bred　amongst　the　mountains；　who　had　never　seen　an　Asiatic　dress　of　any　sort；　his　turban　therefore　confounded　her　not　a　little；　and　as　it　turned　out　that　his　attainments　in　English　were　exactly　of　the　same　extent　as　hers　in　the　Malay；　there　seemed　to　be　an　impassable　gulf　fixed　between　all　communication　of　ideas；　if　either　party　had　happened　to　possess　any。　　In　this　dilemma；　the　girl；　recollecting　the　reputed　learning　of　her　master　（and　doubtless　giving　me　credit　for　a　knowledge　of　all　the　languages　of　the　earth　besides　perhaps　a　few　of　the　lunar　ones）；　came　and　gave　me　to　understand　that　there　was　a　sort　of　demon　below；　whom　she　clearly　imagined　that　my　art　could　exorcise　from　the　house。　　I　did　not　immediately　go　down；　but　when　I　did；　the　group　which　presented　itself；　arranged　as　it　was　by　accident；　though　not　very　elaborate；　took　hold　of　my　fancy　and　my　eye　in　a　way　that　none　of　the　statuesque　attitudes　exhibited　in　the　ballets　at　the　Opera…house；　though　so　ostentatiously　complex；　had　ever　done。　　In　a　cottage　kitchen；　but　panelled　on　the　wall　with　dark　wood　that　from　age　and　rubbing　resembled　oak；　and　looking　more　like　a　rustic　hall　of　entrance　than　a　kitch