confessions of an english opium-eater-第10章

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emembered　the　story　about　Otway；　and　feared　that　there　might　be　danger　in　eating　too　rapidly。　　But　I　had　no　need　for　alarm；　my　appetite　was　quite　sunk；　and　I　became　sick　before　I　had　eaten　half　of　what　I　had　bought。　　This　effect　from　eating　what　approached　to　a　meal　I　continued　to　feel　for　weeks；　or；　when　I　did　not　experience　any　nausea；　part　of　what　I　ate　was　rejected；　sometimes　with　acidity；　sometimes　immediately　and　without　any　acidity。　　On　the　present　occasion；　at　Lord　D…'s　table；　I　found　myself　not　at　all　better　than　usual；　and　in　the　midst　of　luxuries　I　had　no　appetite。　　I　had；　however；　unfortunately；　at　all　times　a　craving　for　wine；　I　explained　my　situation；　therefore；　to　Lord　D…；　and　gave　him　a　short　account　of　my　late　sufferings；　at　which　he　expressed　great　compassion；　and　called　for　wine。　　This　gave　me　a　momentary　relief　and　pleasure；　and　on　all　occasions　when　I　had　an　opportunity　I　never　failed　to　drink　wine；　which　I　worshipped　then　as　I　have　since　worshipped　opium。　　I　am　convinced；　however；　that　this　indulgence　in　wine　contributed　to　strengthen　my　malady；　for　the　tone　of　my　stomach　was　apparently　quite　sunk；　and　by　a　better　regimen　it　might　sooner；　and　perhaps　effectually；　have　been　revived。　　I　hope　that　it　was　not　from　this　love　of　wine　that　I　lingered　in　the　neighbourhood　of　my　Eton　friends；　I　persuaded　myself　then　that　it　was　from　reluctance　to　ask　of　Lord　D…；　on　whom　I　was　conscious　I　had　not　sufficient　claims；　the　particular　service　in　quest　of　which　I　had　come　down　to　Eton。　　I　was；　however　unwilling　to　lose　my　journey；　andI　asked　it。　　Lord　D…；　whose　good　nature　was　unbounded；　and　which；　in　regard　to　myself；　had　been　measured　rather　by　his　compassion　perhaps　for　my　condition；　and　his　knowledge　of　my　intimacy　with　some　of　his　relatives；　than　by　an　over…rigorous　inquiry　into　the　extent　of　my　own　direct　claims；　faltered；　nevertheless；　at　this　request。　　He　acknowledged　that　he　did　not　like　to　have　any　dealings　with　money…lenders；　and　feared　lest　such　a　transaction　might　come　to　the　ears　of　his　connexions。　　Moreover；　he　doubted　whether　HIS　signature；　whose　expectations　were　so　much　more　bounded　than　those　of　…；　would　avail　with　my　unchristian　friends。　However；　he　did　not　wish；　as　it　seemed；　to　mortify　me　by　an　absolute　refusal；　for　after　a　little　consideration　he　promised；　under　certain　conditions　which　he　pointed　out；　to　give　his　security。　　Lord　D…　was　at　this　time　not　eighteen　years　of　age；　but　I　have　often　doubted；　on　recollecting　since　the　good　sense　and　prudence　which　on　this　occasion　he　mingled　with　so　much　urbanity　of　manner　（an　urbanity　which　in　him　wore　the　grace　of　youthful　sincerity）；　whether　any　statesmanthe　oldest　and　the　most　accomplished　in　diplomacycould　have　acquitted　himself　better　under　the　same　circumstances。　　Most　people；　indeed；　cannot　be　addressed　on　such　a　business　without　surveying　you　with　looks　as　austere　and　unpropitious　as　those　of　a　Saracen's　head。

Recomforted　by　this　promise；　which　was　not　quite　equal　to　the　best　but　far　above　the　worst　that　I　had　pictured　to　myself　as　possible；　I　returned　in　a　Windsor　coach　to　London　three　days　after　I　had　quitted　it。　　And　now　I　come　to　the　end　of　my　story。　　The　Jews　did　not　approve　of　Lord　D…'s　terms；　whether　they　would　in　the　end　have　acceded　to　them；　and　were　only　seeking　time　for　making　due　inquiries；　I　know　not；　but　many　delays　were　made；　time　passed　on；　the　small　fragment　of　my　bank…note　had　just　melted　away；　and　before　any　conclusion　could　have　been　put　to　the　business　I　must　have　relapsed　into　my　former　state　of　wretchedness。　　Suddenly；　however；　at　this　crisis；　an　opening　was　made；　almost　by　accident；　for　reconciliation　with　my　friends；　I　quitted　London　in　haste　for　a　remote　part　of　England；　after　some　time　I　proceeded　to　the　university；　and　it　was　not　until　many　months　had　passed　away　that　I　had　it　in　my　power　again　to　revisit　the　ground　which　had　become　so　interesting　to　me；　and　to　this　day　remains　so；　as　the　chief　scene　of　my　youthful　sufferings。

Meantime；　what　had　become　of　poor　Ann？　　For　her　I　have　reserved　my　concluding　words。　　According　to　our　agreement；　I　sought　her　daily；　and　waited　for　her　every　night；　so　long　as　I　stayed　in　London；　at　the　corner　of　Titchfield　Street。　　I　inquired　for　her　of　every　one　who　was　likely　to　know　her；　and　during　the　last　hours　of　my　stay　in　London　I　put　into　activity　every　means　of　tracing　her　that　my　knowledge　of　London　suggested　and　the　limited　extent　of　my　power　made　possible。　　The　street　where　she　had　lodged　I　knew；　but　not　the　house；　and　I　remembered　at　last　some　account　which　she　had　given　me　of　ill…treatment　from　her　landlord；　which　made　it　probable　that　she　had　quitted　those　lodgings　before　we　parted。　　She　had　few　acquaintances；　most　people；　besides；　thought　that　the　earnestness　of　my　inquiries　arose　from　motives　which　moved　their　laughter　or　their　slight　regard；　and　others；　thinking　I　was　in　chase　of　a　girl　who　had　robbed　me　of　some　trifles；　were　naturally　and　excusably　indisposed　to　give　me　any　clue　to　her；　if　indeed　they　had　any　to　give。　　Finally　as　my　despairing　resource；　on　the　day　I　left　London　I　put　into　the　hands　of　the　only　person　who　（I　was　sure）　must　know　Ann　by　sight；　from　having　been　in　company　with　us　once　or　twice；　an　address　to　…；　in　…shire；　at　that　time　the　residence　of　my　family。　　But　to　this　hour　I　have　never　heard　a　syllable　about　her。　　This；　amongst　such　troubles　as　most　men　meet　with　in　this　life；　has　been　my　heaviest　affliction。　　If　she　lived；　doubtless　we　must　have　been　some　time　in　search　of　each　other；　at　the　very　same　moment；　through　the　mighty　labyrinths　of　London；　perhaps　even　within　a　few　feet　of　each　other　a　barrier　no　wider　than　a　London　street　often　amounting　in　the　end　to　a　separation　for　eternity！　　During　some　years　I　hoped　that　she　DID　live；　and　I　suppose　that；　in　the　literal　and　unrhetorical　use　of　the　word　MYRIAD；　I　may　say　that　on　my　different　visits　to　London　I　have　looked　into　many；　many　myriads　of　female　faces；　in　the　hope　of　meeting　her。　　I　should　know　her　again　amongst　a　thousand；　if　I　saw　her　for　a　moment；　for　though　not　handsome；　she　had　a　sweet　expression　of　countenance　and　a　peculiar　and　graceful　carriage　of　the　head。　　I　sought　her；　I　have　said；　in　hope。　　So　it　was　for　years；　but　now　I　should　fear　to　see　her；　and　her　cough；　which　grieved　me　when　I　parted　with　her；　is　now　my　consolation。　　I　now　wish　to　see　her　no　longer；　but　think　of　her；　more　gladly；　as　one　long　since　laid　in　the　gravein　the　grave；　I　would　hope；　of　a　Magdalen；　taken　away；　before　injuries　and　cruelty　had　blotted　out　and　transfigured　her　ingenuous　nature；　or　the　brutalities　of　ruffians　had　completed　the　ruin　they　had　begun。

＇The　remainder　of　this　very　interesting　article　will　be　given　in　the　next　number。ED。＇




PART　II




From　the　London　Magazine　for　October　1821。

So　then；　Oxford　Street；　stony…hearted　step…mother！　thou　that　listenest　to　the　sighs　of　orphans　and　drinkest　the　tears　of　children；　at　length　I　was　dismissed　from　thee；　the　time　was　come　at　last　that　I　no　more　should　pace　in　anguish　thy　never…ending　terraces；　no　more　should　dream　and　wake　in　captivity　to　the　pangs　of　hunger。　　Successors　too　many；　to　myself　and　Ann；　have　doubtless　since　then　trodden　in　our　footsteps；　inheritors　of　our　calamities；　other　orphans　than　Ann　have　sighed；　tears　have　been　shed　by　other　children；　and　thou；　Oxford　Street；　hast　since　doubtless　echoed　to　the　groans　of　innumerable　hearts。　　For　myself；　however；　the　storm　which　I　had　outlived　seemed　to　have　been　the　pledge　of　a　long　fair…　weatherthe　premature　sufferings　which　I　had　paid　down　to　have　been　accepted　as　a　ransom　for　many　years　to　come；　as　a　price　of　long　immunity　from　sorrow；　and　if　again　I　walked　in　London　a　solitary　and　contemplative　man　（as　oftentimes　I　did）；　I　walked　for　the　most　part　in　serenity　and　peace　of　mind。　　And　although　it　is　true　that　the　calamities　of　my　noviciate　in　London　had　struck　root　so　deeply　in　my　bodily　constitution；　that　afterwards　they　shot　up　and　flourished　afresh；　and　grew　into　a　noxious　umbrage　that　has　overshadowed　and　darkened　my　latter　years；　yet　these　second　assaults　of　suffering　were　met　with　a　fortitude　more　confirmed；　with　the　resources　of　a　maturer　intellect；　and　with　alleviations　from　sympathis