three men on the bummel(三个闲逛的人)-第36章
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But explanations are held as no excuse in Germany； and his journey
from Carlsruhe to Baden was one of the most expensive perhaps on
record。
Reflecting upon the case and frequency with which one gets into
trouble here in Germany； one is led to the conclusion that this country
would come as a boon and a blessing to the average young Englishman。
To the medical student； to the eater of dinners at the Temple； to the
subaltern on leave； life in London is a wearisome proceeding。 The
healthy Briton takes his pleasure lawlessly； or it is no pleasure to him。
Nothing that he may do affords to him any genuine satisfaction。 To be in
trouble of some sort is his only idea of bliss。 Now； England affords him
small opportunity in this respect； to get himself into a scrape requires a
good deal of persistence on the part of the young Englishman。
I spoke on this subject one day with our senior churchwarden。 It was
the morning of the 10th of November； and we were both of us glancing；
somewhat anxiously； through the police reports。 The usual batch of
young men had been summoned for creating the usual disturbance the
night before at the Criterion。 My friend the churchwarden has boys of
his own； and a nephew of mine； upon whom I am keeping a fatherly eye；
is by a fond mother supposed to be in London for the sole purpose of
studying engineering。 No names we knew happened； by fortunate chance；
to be in the list of those detained in custody； and； relieved； we fell to
moralising upon the folly and depravity of youth。
〃It is very remarkable；〃 said my friend the churchwarden； 〃how the
Criterion retains its position in this respect。 It was just so when I was
young； the evening always wound up with a row at the Criterion。〃
〃So meaningless；〃 I remarked。
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〃So monotonous；〃 he replied。 〃You have no idea；〃 he continued； a
dreamy expression stealing over his furrowed face； 〃how unutterably tired
one can become of the walk from Piccadilly Circus to the Vine Street
Police Court。 Yet； what else was there for us to do？ Simply nothing。
Sometimes we would put out a street lamp； and a man would come round
and light it again。 If one insulted a policeman； he simply took no notice。
He did not even know he was being insulted； or； if he did； he seemed not
to care。 You could fight a Covent Garden porter； if you fancied yourself
at that sort of thing。 Generally speaking； the porter got the best of it； and
when he did it cost you five shillings； and when he did not the price was
half a sovereign。 I could never see much excitement in that particular
sport。 I tried driving a hansom cab once。 That has always been
regarded as the acme of modern Tom and Jerryism。 I stole it late one
night from outside a public…house in Dean Street； and the first thing that
happened to me was that I was hailed in Golden Square by an old lady
surrounded by three children； two of them crying and the third one half
asleep。 Before I could get away she had shot the brats into the cab； taken
my number； paid me； so she said； a shilling over the legal fare； and
directed me to an address a little beyond what she called North Kensington。
As a matter of fact； the place turned out to be the other side of Willesden。
The horse was tired； and the journey took us well over two hours。 It was
the slowest lark I ever remember being concerned in。 I tried one or twice
to persuade the children to let me take them back to the old lady： but
every time I opened the trap…door to speak to them the youngest one； a boy；
started screaming； and when I offered other drivers to transfer the job to
them； most of them replied in the words of a song popular about that
period： 'Oh； George； don't you think you're going just a bit too far？' One
man offered to take home to my wife any last message I might be thinking
of； while another promised to organise a party to come and dig me out in
the spring。 When I mounted the dickey I had imagined myself driving a
peppery old colonel to some lonesome and cabless region； half a dozen
miles from where he wanted to go； and there leaving him upon the
kerbstone to swear。 About that there might have been good sport or there
might not； according to circumstances and the colonel。 The idea of a trip
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to an outlying suburb in charge of a nursery full of helpless infants had
never occurred to me。 No； London；〃 concluded my friend the
churchwarden with a sigh； 〃affords but limited opportunity to the lover of
the illegal。〃
Now； in Germany； on the other hand； trouble is to be had for the asking。
There are many things in Germany that you must not do that are quite easy
to do。 To any young Englishman yearning to get himself into a scrape；
and finding himself hampered in his own country； I would advise a single
ticket to Germany； a return； lasting as it does only a month； might prove a
waste。
In the Police Guide of the Fatherland he will find set forth a list of the
things the doing of which will bring to him interest and excitement。 In
Germany you must not hang your bed out of window。 He might begin with
that。 By waving his bed out of window he could get into trouble before
he had his breakfast。 At home he might hang himself out of window； and
nobody would mind much； provided he did not obstruct anybody's ancient
lights or break away and injure any passer underneath。
In Germany you must not wear fancy dress in the streets。 A
Highlander of my acquaintance who came to pass the winter in Dresden
spent the first few days of his residence there in arguing this question with
the Saxon Government。 They asked him what he was doing in those
clothes。 He was not an amiable man。 He answered； he was wearing
them。 They asked him why he was wearing them。 He replied； to keep
himself warm。 They told him frankly that they did not believe him； and
sent him back to his lodgings in a closed landau。 The personal testimony
of the English Minister was necessary to assure the authorities that the
Highland garb was the customary dress of many respectable； law…abiding
British subjects。 They accepted the statement； as diplomatically bound；
but retain their private opinion to this day。 The English tourist they have
grown accustomed to； but a Leicestershire gentleman； invited to hunt with
some German officers； on appearing outside his hotel； was promptly
marched off； horse and all； to explain his frivolity at the police court。
Another thing you must not do in the streets of German towns is to
feed horses； mules； or donkeys； whether your own or those belonging
