speaking of operations(说起手术)-第4章
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I went home in a dazed state。 For the first time I was beginning to learn
something about an industry in which heretofore I had never been
interested。 Especially was I struck by the difference now revealed to me
in the preliminary stages of the surgeons' business as compared with their
fellow experts in the allied cutting tradestailors； for instance； not to
mention barbers。 Every barber； you know； used to be a surgeon； only he
spelled it chirurgeon。 Since then the two professions have drifted far
apart。 Even a half…witted barberthe kind who always has the first chair
as you come into the shopcan easily spend ten minutes of your time
thinking of things he thinks you should have and mentioning them to you
one by one； whereas any good； live surgeon knows what you have almost
instantly。
As for the tailorconsider how wearisome are his methods when you
parallel them alongside the tremendous advances in this direction made by
the surgeonhow cumbersome and old…fashioned and tedious！ Why； an
experienced surgeon has you all apart in half the time the tailor takes up in
deciding whether the vest shall fasten with five buttons or six。 Our own
domestic tailors are bad enough in this regard and the Old World tailors
are even worse。
I remember a German tailor in Aix…la…Chapelle in the fall of 1914 who
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undertook to build for me a suit suitable for visiting the battle lines
informally。 He was the most literary tailor I ever met anywhere。 He
would drape the material over my person and then take a piece of chalk
and write quite a nice long piece on me。 Then he would rub it out and
write it all over again； but more fully。 He kept this up at intervals of
every other day until he had writer's cramp。 After that he used pins。 He
would pin the seams together； uttering little soothing； clucking sounds in
German whenever a pin went through the goods and into me。 The
German cluck is not so soothing as the cluck of the English…speaking
peoples； I find。
At the end of two long and trying weeks； which wore both of us down
noticeably； he had the job done。 It was not an unqualified success。 He
regarded is as a suit of clothes； but I knew better； it was a set of slip covers；
and if only I had been a two…seated runabout it would have proved a
perfect fit； I am sure； but I am a single…seated design and it did not answer。
I wore it to the war because I had nothing else to wear that would stamp
me as a regular war correspondent； except； of course； my wrist watch； but
I shall not wear it to another war。 War is terrible enough already； and；
besides； I have parted with it。 On my way home through Holland I gave
that suit to a couple of poor Belgian refugees； and I presume they are still
wearing it。
So far as I have been able to observe； the surgeons and the tailors of
these times share but one common instinct： If you go to a new surgeon or
to a new tailor he is morally certain； after looking you over； that the last
surgeon you had or the last tailor； did not do your cutting properly。 There；
however； is where the resemblance ends。 The tailor； as I remarked in
effect just now； wants an hour at least in which to decide how he may best
cover up and disguise the irregularities of the human form； in much less
time than that the surgeon has completely altered the form itself。
With the surgeon it is very much as it is with those learned men who
write those large； impressive works of reference which should be
permanently in every library； and which we are forever buying from an
agent because we are so passionately addicted to payments。 If the thing he
seeks does not appear in the contents proper he knows exactly where to
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look for it。 〃See appendix；〃 says the historian to you in a footnote。
〃See appendix；〃 says the surgeon to himself； the while humming a cheery
refrain。 And so he does。
Well； I went home。 This was Tuesday and the operation was not to
be performed until the coming Friday。 By Wednesday I had calmed
down considerably。 By Thursday morning I was practically normal again
as regards my nerves。 You will understand that I was still in a blissful
state of ignorance concerning the actual methods of the surgical profession
as exemplified by its leading exponents of today。 The knowledge I have
touched on in the pages immediately preceding was to come to me later。
Likewise Doctor Z's manner had been deceiving。 It could not be that
he meant to carve me to any really noticeable extenthis attitude had been
entirely too casual。 At our house carving is a very serious matter。 Any
time I take the head of the table and start in to carve it is fitting women
and children get to a place of safety； and onlookers should get under the
table。 When we first began housekeeping and gave our first small
dinner…party we had a brace of ducks cooked in honor of the company； and
I； as host； undertook to carve them。 I never knew until then that a duck
was built like a watchthat his works were inclosed in a burglarproof case。
Without the use of dynamite the Red Leary…O'Brien gang could not have
broken into those ducks。 I thought so then and I think so yet。 Years
have passed since then； but I may state that even now； when there are
guests for dinner； we do not have ducks。 Unless somebody else is going to
carve； we have liver。
I mention this fact in passing because it shows that I had learned to
revere carving as one of the higher arts； and one not to be approached
except in a spirit of due appreciation of the magnitude of the undertaking；
and after proper consideration and thought and reflection； and all that sort
of thing。
If this were true as regards a mere duck； why not all the more so as
regards the carving of a person of whom I am so very fond as I am of
myself？ Thus I reasoned。 And finally； had not Doctor Z spoken of the
coming operation as a small matter？ Well then？
Thursday at noon I received from Doctor Z's secretary a note stating
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that arrangements had been made for my admission into St。 Germicide that
same evening and that I was to spend the night there。 This hardly
seemed necessary。 Still； the tone of the note appeared to indicate that the
hospital authorities particularly wished to have me for an overnight guest；
and as I reflected that probably the poor things had few enough bright
spots in their busy lives； I decided I would humor them along and gladden
the occasion with my presence from dinner…time on。
About eight o'clock I strolled in very jauntily。 In my mind I had the
whole programme mapped out。 I would stay at the hospital for； say； two
days following the operationor； at m
