the wife and other stories-第5章

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She　was　standing　so　near　that　if　I　had　stooped　a　lit　tle　my　beard　would　have　touched　her　face。

〃What　is　the　matter？〃　I　asked。　〃What　harm　have　I　done　all　at　once？〃

Her　chin　quivered；　she　hastily　wiped　her　eyes；　and；　with　a　cursory　glance　at　the　looking…glass；　whispered：

〃The　old　story　is　beginning　all　over　again。　Of　course　you　won't　go　away。　Well；　do　as　you　like。　I'll　go　away　myself；　and　you　stay。〃

We　returned　to　the　drawing…room；　she　with　a　resolute　face；　while　I　shrugged　my　shoulders　and　tried　to　smile。　There　were　some　more　visitors　　an　elderly　lady　and　a　young　man　in　spectacles。　Without　greeting　the　new　arrivals　or　taking　leave　of　the　others；　I　went　off　to　my　own　rooms。

After　what　had　happened　at　tea　and　then　again　downstairs；　it　became　clear　to　me　that　our　〃family　happiness；〃　which　we　had　begun　to　forget　about　in　the　course　of　the　last　two　years；　was　through　some　absurd　and　trivial　reason　beginning　all　over　again；　and　that　neither　I　nor　my　wife　could　now　stop　ourselves；　and　that　next　day　or　the　day　after；　the　outburst　of　hatred　would；　as　I　knew　by　experience　of　past　years；　be　followed　by　something　revolting　which　would　upset　the　whole　order　of　our　lives。　〃So　it　seems　that　during　these　two　years　we　have　grown　no　wiser；　colder；　or　calmer；〃　I　thought　as　I　began　walking　about　the　rooms。　〃So　there　will　again　be　tears；　outcries；　curses；　packing　up；　going　abroad；　then　the　continual　sickly　fear　that　she　will　disgrace　me　with　some　coxcomb　out　there；　Italian　or　Russian；　refusing　a　passport；　letters；　utter　loneliness；　missing　her；　and　in　five　years　old　age；　grey　hairs。〃　I　walked　about；　imagining　what　was　really　impossible　　her；　grown　handsomer；　stouter；　embracing　a　man　I　did　not　know。　By　now　convinced　that　that　would　certainly　happen；　〃'Why；〃　I　asked　myself；　〃Why；　in　one　of　our　long　past　quarrels；　had　not　I　given　her　a　divorce；　or　why　had　she　not　at　that　time　left　me　altogether？　I　should　not　have　had　this　yearning　for　her　now；　this　hatred；　this　anxiety；　and　I　should　have　lived　out　my　life　quietly；　working　and　not　worrying　about　anything。〃

A　carriage　with　two　lamps　drove　into　the　yard；　then　a　big　sledge　with　three　horses。　My　wife　was　evidently　having　a　party。

Till　midnight　everything　was　quiet　downstairs　and　I　heard　nothing；　but　at　midnight　there　was　a　sound　of　moving　chairs　and　a　clatter　of　crockery。　So　there　was　supper。　Then　the　chairs　moved　again；　and　through　the　floor　I　heard　a　noise；　they　seemed　to　be　shouting　hurrah。　Marya　Gerasimovna　was　already　asleep　and　I　was　quite　alone　in　the　whole　upper　storey；　the　portraits　of　my　forefathers；　cruel；　insignificant　people；　looked　at　me　from　the　walls　of　the　drawing…room；　and　the　reflection　of　my　lamp　in　the　window　winked　unpleasantly。　And　with　a　feeling　of　jealousy　and　envy　for　what　was　going　on　downstairs；　I　listened　and　thought：　〃I　am　master　here；　if　I　like；　I　can　in　a　moment　turn　out　all　that　fine　crew。〃　But　I　knew　that　all　that　was　nonsense；　that　I　could　not　turn　out　any　one；　and　the　word　〃master〃　had　no　meaning。　One　may　think　oneself　master；　married；　rich；　a　kammer…junker；　as　much　as　one　likes；　and　at　the　same　time　not　know　what　it　means。

After　supper　some　one　downstairs　began　singing　in　a　tenor　voice。

〃Why；　nothing　special　has　happened；〃　I　tried　to　persuade　myself。　〃Why　am　I　so　upset？　I　won't　go　downstairs　tomorrow；　that's　all；　and　that　will　be　the　end　of　our　quarrel。〃

At　a　quarter　past　one　I　went　to　bed。

〃Have　the　visitors　downstairs　gone？〃　I　asked　Alexey　as　he　was　undressing　me。

〃Yes；　sir；　they've　gone。〃

〃And　why　were　they　shouting　hurrah？〃

〃Alexey　Dmitritch　Mahonov　subscribed　for　the　famine　fund　a　thousand　bushels　of　flour　and　a　thousand　roubles。　And　the　old　lady　　I　don't　know　her　name　　promised　to　set　up　a　soup　kitchen　on　her　estate　to　feed　a　hundred　and　fifty　people。　Thank　God　。　。　。　Natalya　Gavrilovna　has　been　pleased　to　arrange　that　all　the　gentry　should　assemble　every　Friday。〃

〃To　assemble　here；　downstairs？〃

〃Yes；　sir。　Before　supper　they　read　a　list：　since　August　up　to　today　Natalya　Gavrilovna　has　collected　eight　thousand　roubles；　besides　corn。　Thank　God。　。　。　。　What　I　think　is　that　if　our　mistress　does　take　trouble　for　the　salvation　of　her　soul；　she　will　soon　collect　a　lot。　There　are　plenty　of　rich　people　here。〃

Dismissing　Alexey；　I　put　out　the　light　and　drew　the　bedclothes　over　my　head。

〃After　all；　why　am　I　so　troubled？〃　I　thought。　〃What　force　draws　me　to　the　starving　peasants　like　a　butterfly　to　a　flame？　I　don't　know　them；　I　don't　understand　them；　I　have　never　seen　them　and　I　don't　like　them。　Why　this　uneasiness？〃

I　suddenly　crossed　myself　under　the　quilt。

〃But　what　a　woman　she　is！〃　I　said　to　myself；　thinking　of　my　wife。　〃There's　a　regular　committee　held　in　the　house　without　my　knowing。　Why　this　secrecy？　Why　this　conspiracy？　What　have　I　done　to　them？　Ivan　Ivanitch　is　right　　I　must　go　away。〃

Next　morning　I　woke　up　firmly　resolved　to　go　away。　The　events　of　the　previous　day　　the　conversation　at　tea；　my　wife；　Sobol；　the　supper；　my　apprehensions　　worried　me；　and　I　felt　glad　to　think　of　getting　away　from　the　surroundings　which　reminded　me　of　all　that。　While　I　was　drinking　my　coffee　the　bailiff　gave　me　a　long　report　on　various　matters。　The　most　agreeable　item　he　saved　for　the　last。

〃The　thieves　who　stole　our　rye　have　been　found；〃　he　announced　with　a　smile。　〃The　magistrate　arrested　three　peasants　at　Pestrovo　yesterday。〃

〃Go　away！〃　I　shouted　at　him；　and　a　propos　of　nothing；　I　picked　up　the　cake…basket　and　flung　it　on　the　floor。

IV

After　lunch　I　rubbed　my　hands；　and　thought　I　must　go　to　my　wife　and　tell　her　that　I　was　going　away。　Why？　Who　cared？　Nobody　cares；　I　answered；　but　why　shouldn't　I　tell　her；　especially　as　it　would　give　her　nothing　but　pleasure？　Besides；　to　go　away　after　our　yesterday's　quarrel　without　saying　a　word　would　not　be　quite　tactful：　she　might　think　that　I　was　frightened　of　her；　and　perhaps　the　thought　that　she　has　driven　me　out　of　my　house　may　weigh　upon　her。　It　would　be　just　as　well；　too；　to　tell　her　that　I　subscribe　five　thousand；　and　to　give　her　some　advice　about　the　organization；　and　to　warn　her　that　her　inexperience　in　such　a　complicated　and　responsible　matter　might　lead　to　most　lamentable　results。　In　short；　I　wanted　to　see　my　wife；　and　while　I　thought　of　various　pretexts　for　going　to　her；　I　had　a　firm　conviction　in　my　heart　that　I　should　do　so。

It　was　still　light　when　I　went　in　to　her；　and　the　lamps　had　not　yet　been　lighted。　She　was　sitting　in　her　study；　which　led　from　the　drawing…room　to　her　bedroom；　and；　bending　low　over　the　table；　was　writing　something　quickly。　Seeing　me；　she　started；　got　up　from　the　table；　and　remained　standing　in　an　attitude　such　as　to　screen　her　papers　from　me。

〃I　beg　your　pardon；　I　have　only　come　for　a　minute；〃　I　said；　and；　I　don't　know　why；　I　was　overcome　with　embarrassment。　〃I　have　learnt　by　chance　that　you　are　organizing　relief　for　the　famine；　Natalie。〃

〃Yes；　I　am。　But　that's　my　business；〃　she　answered。

〃Yes；　it　is　your　business；〃　I　said　softly。　〃I　am　glad　of　it；　for　it　just　fits　in　with　my　intentions。　I　beg　your　permission　to　take　part　in　it。〃

〃Forgive　me；　I　cannot　let　you　do　it；〃　she　said　in　response；　and　looked　away。

〃Why　not；　Natalie？〃　I　said　quietly。　〃Why　not？　I；　too；　am　well　fed　and　I；　too；　want　to　help　the　hungry。〃

〃I　don't　know　what　it　has　to　do　with　you；〃　she　said　with　a　contemptuous　smile；　shrugging　her　shoulders。　〃Nobody　asks　you。〃

〃Nobody　asks　you；　either；　and　yet　you　have　got　up　a　regular　committee　in　_my_　house；〃　I　said。

〃I　am　asked；　but　you　can　have　my　word　for　it　no　one　will　ever　ask　you。　Go　and　help　where　you　are　not　known。〃

〃For　God's　sake；　don't　talk　to　me　in　that　tone。〃　I　tried　to　be　mild；　and　besought　myself　most　earnestly　not　to　lose　my　temper。　For　the　first　few　minutes　I　felt　glad　to　be　with　my　wife。　I　felt　an　atmosphere　of　youth；　of　home；　of　feminine　softness；　of　the　most　refined　elegance　　exactly　what　was　lacking　on　my　floor　and　in　my　life　altogether。　My　wife　was　wearing　a　pink　flannel　dressing…gown；　it　made　her　look　much　younger；　and　gave　a　softness　to　her　rapid　and　sometimes　abrupt　movements。　Her　beautiful　dark　hair；　the　mere　sight　of　which　at　one　time　stirred　me　to　passion；　had　from　sitting　so　long　with　her　he