the wife and other stories-第34章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


ns！〃　I　behave　badly　with　Pyotr　Ignatyevitch；　and　only　when　he　is　going　away；　and　from　the　window　I　catch　a　glimpse　of　his　grey　hat　behind　the　garden…fence；　I　want　to　call　out　and　say；　〃Forgive　me；　my　dear　fellow！〃

Dinner　is　even　drearier　than　in　the　winter。　Gnekker；　whom　now　I　hate　and　despise；　dines　with　us　almost　every　day。　I　used　to　endure　his　presence　in　silence；　now　I　aim　biting　remarks　at　him　which　make　my　wife　and　daughter　blush。　Carried　away　by　evil　feeling；　I　often　say　things　that　are　simply　stupid；　and　I　don't　know　why　I　say　them。　So　on　one　occasion　it　happened　that　I　stared　a　long　time　at　Gnekker；　and；　_a　propos_　of　nothing；　I　fired　off：

　　　　〃An　eagle　may　perchance　swoop　down　below　a　cock；　　　　　　But　never　will　the　fowl　soar　upwards　to　the　clouds。　。

And　the　most　vexatious　thing　is　that　the　fowl　Gnekker　shows　himself　much　cleverer　than　the　eagle　professor。　Knowing　that　my　wife　and　daughter　are　on　his　side；　he　takes　up　the　line　of　meeting　my　gibes　with　condescending　silence；　as　though　to　say：

〃The　old　chap　is　in　his　dotage；　what's　the　use　of　talking　to　him？〃

Or　he　makes　fun　of　me　good…naturedly。　It　is　wonderful　how　petty　a　man　may　become！　I　am　capable　of　dreaming　all　dinner…time　of　how　Gnekker　will　turn　out　to　be　an　adventurer；　how　my　wife　and　Liza　will　come　to　see　their　mistake；　and　how　I　will　taunt　them　　and　such　absurd　thoughts　at　the　time　when　I　am　standing　with　one　foot　in　th　e　grave！

There　are　now；　too；　misunderstandings　of　which　in　the　old　days　I　had　no　idea　except　from　hearsay。　Though　I　am　ashamed　of　it；　I　will　describe　one　that　occurred　the　other　day　after　dinner。

I　was　sitting　in　my　room　smoking　a　pipe；　my　wife　came　in　as　usual；　sat　down；　and　began　saying　what　a　good　thing　it　would　be　for　me　to　go　to　Harkov　now　while　it　is　warm　and　I　have　free　time；　and　there　find　out　what　sort　of　person　our　Gnekker　is。

〃Very　good；　I　will　go；〃　I　assented。

My　wife；　pleased　with　me；　got　up　and　was　going　to　the　door；　but　turned　back　and　said：

〃By　the　way；　I　have　another　favour　to　ask　of　you。　I　know　you　will　be　angry；　but　it　is　my　duty　to　warn　you。　。　。　。　Forgive　my　saying　it；　Nikolay　Stepanovitch；　but　all　our　neighbours　and　acquaintances　have　begun　talking　about　your　being　so　often　at　Katya's。　She　is　clever　and　well…educated；　I　don't　deny　that　her　company　may　be　agreeable；　but　at　your　age　and　with　your　social　position　it　seems　strange　that　you　should　find　pleasure　in　her　society。　。　。　。　Besides；　she　has　such　a　reputation　that　。　。　。〃

All　the　blood　suddenly　rushed　to　my　brain；　my　eyes　flashed　fire；　I　leaped　up　and；　clutching　at　my　head　and　stamping　my　feet；　shouted　in　a　voice　unlike　my　own：

〃Let　me　alone！　let　me　alone！　let　me　alone！〃

Probably　my　face　was　terrible；　my　voice　was　strange；　for　my　wife　suddenly　turned　pale　and　began　shrieking　aloud　in　a　despairing　voice　that　was　utterly　unlike　her　own。　Liza；　Gnekker；　then　Yegor；　came　running　in　at　our　shouts。　。　。　。

〃Let　me　alone！〃　I　cried；　〃let　me　alone！　Go　away！〃

My　legs　turned　numb　as　though　they　had　ceased　to　exist；　I　felt　myself　falling　into　someone's　arms；　for　a　little　while　I　still　heard　weeping；　then　sank　into　a　swoon　which　lasted　two　or　three　hours。

Now　about　Katya；　she　comes　to　see　me　every　day　towards　evening；　and　of　course　neither　the　neighbours　nor　our　acquaintances　can　avoid　noticing　it。　She　comes　in　for　a　minute　and　carries　me　off　for　a　drive　with　her。　She　has　her　own　horse　and　a　new　chaise　bought　this　summer。　Altogether　she　lives　in　an　expensive　style；　she　has　taken　a　big　detached　villa　with　a　large　garden；　and　has　taken　all　her　town　retinue　with　her　　two　maids；　a　coachman　。　。　。　I　often　ask　her：

〃Katya；　what　will　you　live　on　when　you　have　spent　your　father's　money？〃

〃Then　we　shall　see；〃　she　answers。

〃That　money；　my　dear；　deserves　to　be　treated　more　seriously。　It　was　earned　by　a　good　man；　by　honest　labour。〃

〃You　have　told　me　that　already。　I　know　it。〃

At　first　we　drive　through　the　open　country；　then　through　the　pine…wood　which　is　visible　from　my　window。　Nature　seems　to　me　as　beautiful　as　it　always　has　been；　though　some　evil　spirit　whispers　to　me　that　these　pines　and　fir　trees；　birds；　and　white　clouds　on　the　sky；　will　not　notice　my　absence　when　in　three　or　four　months　I　am　dead。　Katya　loves　driving；　and　she　is　pleased　that　it　is　fine　weather　and　that　I　am　sitting　beside　her。　She　is　in　good　spirits　and　does　not　say　harsh　things。

〃You　are　a　very　good　man；　Nikolay　Stepanovitch；〃　she　says。　〃You　are　a　rare　specimen；　and　there　isn't　an　actor　who　would　understand　how　to　play　you。　Me　or　Mihail　Fyodorovitch；　for　instance；　any　poor　actor　could　do；　but　not　you。　And　I　envy　you；　I　envy　you　horribly！　Do　you　know　what　I　stand　for？　What？〃

She　ponders　for　a　minute；　and　then　asks　me：

〃Nikolay　Stepanovitch；　I　am　a　negative　phenomenon！　Yes？〃

〃Yes；〃　I　answer。

〃H'm！　what　am　I　to　do？〃

What　answer　was　I　to　make　her？　It　is　easy　to　say　〃work；〃　or　〃give　your　possessions　to　the　poor；〃　or　〃know　yourself；〃　and　because　it　is　so　easy　to　say　that；　I　don't　know　what　to　answer。

My　colleagues　when　they　teach　therapeutics　advise　〃the　individual　study　of　each　separate　case。〃　One　has　but　to　obey　this　advice　to　gain　the　conviction　that　the　methods　recommended　in　the　textbooks　as　the　best　and　as　providing　a　safe　basis　for　treatment　turn　out　to　be　quite　unsuitable　in　individual　cases。　It　is　just　the　same　in　moral　ailments。

But　I　must　make　some　answer；　and　I　say：

〃You　have　too　much　free　time；　my　dear；　you　absolutely　must　take　up　some　occupation。　After　all；　why　shouldn't　you　be　an　actress　again　if　it　is　your　vocation？〃

〃I　cannot！〃

〃Your　tone　and　manner　suggest　that　you　are　a　victim。　I　don't　like　that；　my　dear；　it　is　your　own　fault。　Remember；　you　began　with　falling　out　with　people　and　methods；　but　you　have　done　nothing　to　make　either　better。　You　did　not　struggle　with　evil；　but　were　cast　down　by　it；　and　you　are　not　the　victim　of　the　struggle；　but　of　your　own　impotence。　Well；　of　course　you　were　young　and　inexperienced　then；　now　it　may　all　be　different。　Yes；　really；　go　on　the　stage。　You　will　work；　you　will　serve　a　sacred　art。〃

〃Don't　pretend；　Nikolay　Stepanovitch；〃　Katya　interrupts　me。　〃Let　us　make　a　compact　once　for　all；　we　will　talk　about　actors；　actresses；　and　authors；　but　we　will　let　art　alone。　You　are　a　splendid　and　rare　person；　but　you　don't　know　enough　about　art　sincerely　to　think　it　sacred。　You　have　no　instinct　or　feeling　for　art。　You　have　been　hard　at　work　all　your　life；　and　have　not　had　time　to　acquire　that　feeling。　Altogether　。　。　。　I　don't　like　talk　about　art；〃　she　goes　on　nervously。　〃I　don't　like　it！　And；　my　goodness；　how　they　have　vulgarized　it！〃

〃Who　has　vulgarized　it？〃

〃They　have　vulgarized　it　by　drunkenness；　the　newspapers　by　their　familiar　attitude；　clever　people　by　philosophy。〃

〃Philosophy　has　nothing　to　do　with　it。〃

〃Yes；　it　has。　If　any　one　philosophizes　about　it；　it　shows　he　does　not　understand　it。〃

To　avoid　bitterness　I　hasten　to　change　the　subject；　and　then　sit　a　long　time　silent。　Only　when　we　are　driving　out　of　the　wood　and　turning　towards　Katya's　villa　I　go　back　to　my　former　question；　and　say：

〃You　have　still　not　answered　me；　why　you　don't　want　to　go　on　the　stage。〃

〃Nikolay　Stepanovitch；　this　is　cruel！〃　she　cries；　and　suddenly　flushes　all　over。　〃You　want　me　to　tell　you　the　truth　aloud？　Very　well；　if　。　。　。　if　you　like　it！　I　have　no　talent！　No　talent　and　。　。　。　and　a　great　deal　of　vanity！　So　there！〃

After　making　this　confession　she　turns　her　face　away　from　me；　and　to　hide　the　trembling　of　her　hands　tugs　violently　at　the　reins。

As　we　are　driving　towards　her　villa　we　see　Mihail　Fyodorovitch　walking　near　the　gate；　impatiently　awaiting　us。

〃That　Mihail　Fyodorovitch　again！〃　says　Katya　with　vexation。　〃Do　rid　me　of　him；　please！　I　am　sick　and　tired　of　him　。　。　。　bother　him！〃

Mihail　Fyodorovitch　ought　to　have　gone　abroad　long　ago；　but　he　puts　off　going　from　week　to。　week。　Of　late　there　have　been　certain　changes　in　him。　He　looks；　as　it　were；　sunken；　has　taken　to　drinking　until　he　is　tipsy；　a　thing　which　never　used　to　happen　to　him；　and　his　black　eyebrows　are　beginning　to　turn　grey。　When　our　chaise　stops　at　the　gate　he　does　not　conceal　his　joy　and　his　impatience。　He　fussily　helps　me　and　Katya