a room with a view-第40章

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〃Well；　it　isn't　every　one　who　could　boast　such　a　conquest；

dearest；　is　it？　Oh；　one　oughtn't　to　laugh；　really。　It　might　have

been　very　serious。　But　you　were　so　sensible　and　braveso　unlike

the　girls　of　my　day。〃



〃Let's　go　down　to　them。〃



But；　once　in　the　open　air；　she　paused。　Some　emotionpity；

terror；　love；　but　the　emotion　was　strongseized　her；　and　she　was

aware　of　autumn。　Summer　was　ending；　and　the　evening　brought　her

odours　of　decay；　the　more　pathetic　because　they　were　reminiscent

of　spring。　That　something　or　other　mattered　intellectually？　A

leaf；　violently　agitated；　danced　past　her；　while　other　leaves　lay

motionless。　That　the　earth　was　hastening　to　re…enter　darkness；

and　the　shadows　of　those　trees　over　Windy　Corner？



〃Hullo；　Lucy！　There's　still　light　enough　for　another　set；　if　you

two'll　hurry。〃



〃Mr。　Emerson　has　had　to　go。〃



〃What　a　nuisance！　That　spoils　the　four。　I　say；　Cecil；　do　play；

do；　there's　a　good　chap。　It's　Floyd's　last　day。　Do　play　tennis

with　us；　just　this　once。〃



Cecil's　voice　came：　〃My　dear　Freddy；　I　am　no　athlete。　As　you　well

remarked　this　very　morning；　'There　are　some　chaps　who　are　no　good

for　anything　but　books'；　I　plead　guilty　to　being　such　a　chap；　and

will　not　inflict　myself　on　you。〃



The　scales　fell　from　Lucy's　eyes。　How　had　she　stood　Cecil　for　a

moment？　He　was　absolutely　intolerable；　and　the　same　evening　she

broke　off　her　engagement。







Chapter　XVII：　　Lying　to　Cecil



He　was　bewildered。　He　had　nothing　to　say。　He　was　not　even　angry；

but　stood；　with　a　glass　of　whiskey　between　his　hands；　trying　to

think　what　had　led　her　to　such　a　conclusion。



She　had　chosen　the　moment　before　bed；　when；　in　accordance　with

their　bourgeois　habit；　she　always　dispensed　drinks　to　the　men。

Freddy　and　Mr。　Floyd　were　sure　to　retire　with　their　glasses；

while　Cecil　invariably　lingered；　sipping　at　his　while　she　locked

up　the　sideboard。



〃I　am　very　sorry　about　it；〃　she　said；　〃I　have　carefully　thought

things　over。　We　are　too　different。　I　must　ask　you　to　release　me；

and　try　to　forget　that　there　ever　was　such　a　foolish　girl。〃



It　was　a　suitable　speech；　but　she　was　more　angry　than　sorry；　and

her　voice　showed　it。



〃Differenthowhow〃



〃I　haven't　had　a　really　good　education；　for　one　thing；〃　she

continued；　still　on　her　knees　by　the　sideboard。　〃My　Italian　trip

came　too　late；　and　I　am　forgetting　all　that　I　learnt　there。　I

shall　never　be　able　to　talk　to　your　friends；　or　behave　as　a　wife

of　yours　should。〃



〃I　don't　understand　you。　You　aren't　like　yourself。　You're　tired；

Lucy。〃



〃Tired！〃　she　retorted；　kindling　at　once。　〃That　is　exactly　like

you。　You　always　think　women　don't　mean　what　they　say。〃



〃Well；　you　sound　tired；　as　if　something　has　worried　you。〃



〃What　if　I　do？　It　doesn't　prevent　me　from　realizing　the　truth。　I

can't　marry　you；　and　you　will　thank　me　for　saying　so　some　day。〃



〃You　had　that　bad　headache　yesterdayAll　right〃for　she　had

exclaimed　indignantly：　〃I　see　it's　much　more　than　headaches。　But

give　me　a　moment's　time。〃　He　closed　his　eyes。　〃You　must　excuse　me

if　I　say　stupid　things；　but　my　brain　has　gone　to　pieces。　Part　of

it　lives　three　minutes　back；　when　I　was　sure　that　you　loved　me；

and　the　other　partI　find　it　difficultI　am　likely　to　say　the

wrong　thing。〃



It　struck　her　that　he　was　not　behaving　so　badly；　and　her

irritation　increased。　She　again　desired　a　struggle；　not　a

discussion。　To　bring　on　the　crisis；　she　said：



〃There　are　days　when　one　sees　clearly；　and　this　is　one　of　them。

Things　must　come　to　a　breaking…point　some　time；　and　it　happens　to

be　to…day。　If　you　want　to　know；　quite　a　little　thing　decided　me

to　speak　to　youwhen　you　wouldn't　play　tennis　with　Freddy。〃



〃I　never　do　play　tennis；〃　said　Cecil；　painfully　bewildered；　〃I

never　could　play。　I　don't　understand　a　word　you　say。〃



〃You　can　play　well　enough　to　make　up　a　four。　I　thought　it

abominably　selfish　of　you。〃



〃No；　I　can'twell；　never　mind　the　tennis。　Why　couldn't

youcouldn't　you　have　warned　me　if　you　felt　anything　wrong？　You

talked　of　our　wedding　at　lunchat　least；　you　let　me　talk。〃



〃I　knew　you　wouldn't　understand；〃　said　Lucy　quite　crossly。　〃I

might　have　known　there　would　have　been　these　dreadful

explanations。　Of　course；　it　isn't　the　tennisthat　was　only　the

last　straw　to　all　I　have　been　feeling　for　weeks。　Surely　it　was

better　not　to　speak　until　I　felt　certain。〃　She　developed　this

position。　〃Often　before　I　have　wondered　if　I　was　fitted　for　your

wifefor　instance；　in　London；　and　are　you　fitted　to　be　my

husband？　I　don't　think　so。　You　don't　like　Freddy；　nor　my　mother。

There　was　always　a　lot　against　our　engagement；　Cecil；　but　all　our

relations　seemed　pleased；　and　we　met　so　often；　and　it　was　no　good

mentioning　it　untilwell；　until　all　things　came　to　a　point。　They

have　to…day。　I　see　clearly。　I　must　speak。　That's　all。〃



〃I　cannot　think　you　were　right；〃　said　Cecil　gently。　〃I　cannot

tell　why；　but　though　all　that　you　say　sounds　true；　I　feel　that

you　are　not　treating　me　fairly。　It's　all　too　horrible。〃



〃What's　the　good　of　a　scene？〃



〃No　good。　But　surely　I　have　a　right　to　hear　a　little　more。〃



He　put　down　his　glass　and　opened　the　window。　　From　where　she

knelt；　jangling　her　keys；　she　could　see　a　slit　of　darkness；　and；

peering　into　it；　as　if　it　would　tell　him　that　〃little　more；〃　his

long；　thoughtful　face。



〃Don't　open　the　window；　and　you'd　better　draw　the　curtain；　too；

Freddy　or　any　one　might　be　outside。〃　He　obeyed。　〃I　really　think

we　had　better　go　to　bed；　if　you　don't　mind。　I　shall　only　say

things　that　will　make　me　unhappy　afterwards。　As　you　say　it　is　all

too　horrible；　and　it　is　no　good　talking。〃



But　to　Cecil；　now　that　he　was　about　to　lose　her；　she　seemed　each

moment　more　desirable。　He　looked　at　her；　instead　of　through　her；

for　the　first　time　since　they　were　engaged。　From　a　Leonardo　she

had　become　a　living　woman；　with　mysteries　and　forces　of　her　own；

with　qualities　that　even　eluded　art。　His　brain　recovered　from　the

shock；　and；　in　a　burst　of　genuine　devotion；　he　cried：　〃But　I　love

you；　and　I　did　think　you　loved　me！〃



〃I　did　not；〃　she　said。　〃I　thought　I　did　at　first。　I　am　sorry；　and

ought　to　have　refused　you　this　last　time；　too。〃



He　began　to　walk　up　and　down　the　room；　and　she　grew　more　and　more

vexed　at　his　dignified　behaviour。　She　had　counted　on　his　being

petty。　It　would　have　made　things　easier　for　her。　By　a　cruel　irony

she　was　drawing　out　all　that　was　finest　in　his　disposition。



〃You　don't　love　me；　evidently。　I　dare　say　you　are　right　not　to。

But　it　would　hurt　a　little　less　if　I　knew　why。〃



〃Because〃a　phrase　came　to　her；　and　she　accepted　it〃you're　the

sort　who　can't　know　any　one　intimately。〃



A　horrified　look　came　into　his　eyes。



〃I　don't　mean　exactly　that。　But　you　will　question　me；　though　I

beg　you　not　to；　and　I　must　say　something。　It　is　that；　more　or

less。　When　we　were　only　acquaintances；　you　let　me　be　myself；　but

now　you're　always　protecting　me。〃　Her　voice　swelled。　〃I　won't　be

protected。　I　will　choose　for　myself　what　is　ladylike　and　right。

To　shield　me　is　an　insult。　Can't　I　be　trusted　to　face　the　truth

but　I　must　get　it　second…hand　through　you？　A　woman's　place！　You

despise　my　motherI　know　you　dobecause　she's　conventional　and

bothers　over　puddings；　but；　oh　goodness！〃she　rose　to　her

feet〃conventional；　Cecil；　you're　that；　for　you　may　understand

beautiful　things；　but　you　don't　know　how　to　use　them；　and　you

wrap　yourself　up　in　art　and　books　and　music；　and　would　try　to

wrap　up　me。　I　won't　be　stifled；　not　by　the　most　glorious　music；

for　people　are　more　glorious；　and　you　hide　them　from　me。　That's

why　I　break　off　my　engagement。　You　were　all　right　as　long　as　you

kept　to　things；　but　when　you　came　to　people〃　She　stopped。



There　was　a　pause。　Then　Cecil　said　with　great　emotion：



〃It　is　true。〃



〃True　on　the　whole；〃　she　corrected；　full　of　some　vague　shame。



〃True；　every　word。　It　is　a　rev