hard cash-第84章

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_〃Dec。　11th。_A　diary　is　a　dreadful　thing。　Everything　must　go　down　now；　and；　amongst　the　rest　that　the　poor　are　selfish。　I　could　not　interest　one　of　mine　in　mamma's　sorrows；　no；　they　must　run　back　to　their　own　little　sordid　troubles；　about　money　and　things。　I　was　so　provoked　with　Mrs。　Jackson　（she　owes　mamma　so　much）　that　I　left　her　hastily；　and　that　was　Impatience。　I　had　a　mind　to　go　back　to　her；　but　would　not；　and　that　was　Pride。　Where　is　my　Christianity？

〃A　kind　letter　from　Jane　Hardie。　But　no　word　of　_him。_〃

_〃Dec。　12th。_To…day　Edward　told　me　plump　I　must　not　go　on　taking　things　out　of　the　house　for　the　poor：　mamma　gave　me　the　reason。　'We　are　poor　ourselves；　thanks　to'　And　then　she　stopped。　Does　she　suspect？　How　can　she？　She　did　hear　not　those　two　dreadful　words　of　papa's？　They　are　like　two　arrows　in　my　heart。　And　so　we　are　poor：　she　says　we　have　scarcely　anything　to　live　upon　after　paying　the　two　hundred　and　fifty　pounds　a　year　for　papa。

_〃Dec。　13th。_A　comforting　letter　from　Jane。　She　sends　me　Hebrews　xii。　11；　and　says；　'Let　us　take　a　part　of　the　Bible；　and　read　two　chapters　prayerfully　at　the　same　hour　of　the　day：　will　ten　o'clock　in　the　morning　suit　you？　and；　if　so；　will　you　choose　where　to　begin？'　I　will；　sweet　friend；　I　will；　and　then；　though　some　cruel　mystery　keeps　us　apart；　our　souls　will　be　together　over　the　sacred　page；　as　I　hope　they　will　one　day　be　together　in　heaven；　yours　will；　at　any　rate。　Wrote　back；　yes；　and　a　thousand　thanks；　and　should　like　to　begin　with　the　Psalms；　they　are　sorrowful；　and　so　are　we。　And　I　must　pray　not　to　think　too　much　of　_him。_

〃If　everything　is　to　be　put　down　one　does；　I　cried　long　and　bitterly　to　find　I　had　written　that　I　must　pray　to　God　against　_him。_〃

_〃Dec。　14th。_It　is　plain　he　never　means　to　come　again。　Mamma　says　nothing；　but　that　is　out　of　pity　for　me：　I　have　not　read　her　dear　face　all　these　years　for　nothing。　She　is　beginning　to　think　him　unworthy；　when　she　thinks　of　him　at　all。

There　is　a　mystery；　a　dreadful　mystery；　may　he　not　be　as　mystified；　too；　and　perhaps　tortured　like　me　with　doubts　and　suspicions？　They　say　he　is　pale　and　dejected。　Poor　thing！

But　then；　oh　why　not　come　to　me　and　say　so？　Shall　I　write　to　him？　No；　I　will　cut　my　hand　off　sooner。〃

_〃Dec。　16th。_A　blessed　letter　from　Jane。　She　says；　'Letter　writing　on　ordinary　subjects　is　a　sad　waste　of　time　and　very　unpardonable　among　His　people。'　And　so　it　is；　and　my　weak　hope；　daily　disappointed；　that　there　may　be　something　in　her　letter；　only　shows　how　inferior　I　am　to　my　beloved　friend。　She　says；　'I　should　like　to　fix　another　hour　for　us　two　to　meet　at　the　Throne　together：　will　five　o'clock　suit　you？　We　dine　at　six；　but　I　am　never　more　than　half　an　hour　dressing。'

〃The　friendship　of　this　saint；　and　her　bright　example；　is　what　Heaven　sends　me　in　infinite　mercy　and　goodness　to　sooth　my　aching　heart　a　little：　for　_him_　I　shall　never　see　again。

〃I　have　seen　him　this　very　evening。〃

〃It　was　a　beautiful　night：　I　went　to　look　atthe　world　to　come　I　call　itfor　I　believe　the　redeemed　are　to　inhabit　those　very　stars　hereafter；　and　visit　them　all　in　turnand　this　world　I　now　find　is　a　world　of　sorrow　and　disappointmentso　I　went　on　the　balcony　to　look　at　a　better　one：　and　oh　it　seemed　so　holy；　so　calm；　so　pure；　that　heavenly　world　I　gazed　and　stretched　my　hands　towards　it　for　ever　so　little　of　its　holiness　and　purity；　and；　that　moment　I　heard　a　sigh。　I　looked；　and　there　stood　a　gentleman　just　outside　our　gate；　and　it　was　_him。_　I　nearly　screamed；　and　my　heart　beat　so。　He　did　not　see　me：　for　I　had　come　out　softly；　and　his　poor　head　was　down；　down　upon　his　breast；　and　he　used　to　carry　it　so　high；　a　little；　little；　while　agotoo　high　some　said；　but　not　I。　I　looked；　and　my　misgivings　melted　away；　it　flashed　on　me　as　if　one　of　those　stars　had　written　it　with　its　own　light　in　my　heart'There　stands　Grief；　not　Guilt。'　And　before　I　knew　what　I　was　about　I　had　whispered　'Alfred！'　The　poor　boy　started　and　ran　towards　me：　but　stopped　short　and　sighed　again。　My　heart　yearned；　but　it　was　not　for　me　to　make　advances　to　him；　after　his　unkindness：　so　I　spoke　to　him　as　coldly　as　ever　I　could；　and　I　said；　'You　are　unhappy。'

〃He　looked　up　to　me；　and　then　I　saw　even　by　that　light　that　he　is　enduring　a　bitter；　bitter　struggle：　_so_　pale；　_so_　worn；　_so_　dragged！Now　how　many　times　have　I　cried；　this　last　month？　more　than　in　all　the　rest　of　my　life　a　great　deal。'Unhappy！'　he　said；　'I　must　be　a　contemptible　thing　if　I　was　not　unhappy。'　And　then　he　asked　me　should　not　I　despise　him　if　he　was　happy。　I　did　not　answer　that：　but　I　asked　him　why　he　was　unhappy。　And　when　I　had；　I　was　half　frightened；　for　he　never　evades　a　question　the　least　bit。

〃He　held　his　head　higher　still；　and　said；　'I　am　unhappy　because　I　cannot　see　the　path　of　honour。'

〃Then　I　babbled　something；　I　forget　what：　then　he　went　on　like　thisah；　I　never　forget　what　_he_　sayshe　said　Cicero　says　'AEquitas　ipsa　lucet　per　se；　something　significat*　something　else：'　and　he　repeated　it　slowly　for　mehe　knows　I　know　a　little　Latin；　and　told　me　that　was　as　much　as　to　say　'Justice　is　so　clear　a　thing；　that　whoever　hesitates　must　be　on　the　road　of　wrong。　And　yet；'　he　said　bitterly；　'_I_　hesitate　and　doubt；　in　a　matter　of　right　and　wrong；　like　an　Academic　philosopher　weighing　and　balancing　mere　speculative　straws。'　Those　were　his　very　words。　'And　so；'　said　he；　'I　am　miserable；　deserving　to　be　miserable。'

*Dubitatio　cogitationem　significat　injuriae。

〃Then　I　ventured　to　remind　him　that　he；　and　I；　and　all　Christian　souls；　had　a　resource　not　known　to　heathen　philosophers；　however　able。　And　I　said；　'Dear　Alfred；　when　I　am　in　doubt　and　difficulty；　I　go　and　pray　to　Him　to　guide　me　aright：　have　you　done　so？'　No；　that　had　never　occurred　to　him：　but　he　would；　if　I　made　a　point　of　it；　and　at　any　rate　he　could　not　go　on　in　this　way。　I　should　soon　see　him　again；　and；　once　his　mind　was　made　up；　no　shrinking　from　mere　consequences；　he　promised　me。　Then　we　bade　one　another　good　night　and　he　went　off　holding　his　head　as　proudly　as　he　used：　and　poor　silly　me　fluttered；　and　nearly　hysterical；　as　soon　as　I　quite　lost　sight　of　him。〃

_〃Dec。　17th。_At　church　in　the　morning：　a　good　sermon。　Notes　and　analysis。　In　the　evening　Jane's　clergyman　preached。　She　came。　Going　out　I　asked　her　a　question　about　what　we　had　heard；　but　she　did　not　answer　me。　At　parting　she　told　me　she　made　it　a　rule　not　to　speak　coming　from　church；　not　even　about　the　sermon。　This　seemed　austere　to　poor　me。　But　of　course　she　is　right。　Oh；　that　I　was　like　her。〃

_〃Dec。　18th。_Edward　is　coming　out。　This　boy；　that　one　has　taught　all　the　French；　all　the　dancing；　and　nearly　all　the　Latin　he　knows；　turns　out　to　be　one's　superior；　infinitely：　I　mean　in　practical　good　sense。　Mamma　had　taken　her　pearls　to　the　jeweller　and　borrowed　two　hundred　pounds。　He　found　this　out　and　objected。　She　told　him　a　part　of　it　was　required　to　keep　him　at　Oxford。　'Oh　indeed；'　said　he：　and　we　thought　of　course　there　was　an　end：　but　next　morning　he　was　off　before　breakfast　and　the　day　after　he　returned　from　Oxford　with　his　caution　money；　forty　pounds；　and　gave　it　mamma；　she　had　forgotten　all　about　it。　And　he　had　taken　his　name　off　the　college　books　and　left　the　university　for　ever。　The　poor；　gentle　tears　of　mortification　ran　down　his　mother's　cheeks；　and　I　hung　round　her　neck；　and　scolded　him　like　a　vixenas　I　am。　We　might　have　spared　tears　and　fury　both；　for　he　is　neither　to　be　melted　nor　irritated　by　poor　little　us。　He　kissed　us　and　coaxed　us　like　a　superior　being；　and　set　to　work　in　his　quiet；　sober；　ponderous　way；　and　proved　us　a　couple　of　fools　to　our　entire　satisfaction；　and　that　without　an　unkind　word！　for　he　is　as　gentle　as　a　lamb；　and　as　strong　as　ten　thousand　elephants。　He　took　the　money　back　and　brought　the　pearls　home　again；　and　he　has　written　'SOYEZ　DE　VOTRE　SIECLE'　in　great　large　letters；　and　has　pasted　it　on　all　our　three　bed…room　doors；　inside。　And　he　has　been　all　these　years　quietly　cutting　up　the　_Morning　Advertiser；_　and　arranging　the　slips　with　wonderful　skill　and　method。　He　calls　it　'digesting　the　_Tiser！'_　and　you　can't　ask　for　any　_modern_　information；　great　or　small；　but　he'll　find　you　something　about　it　in　this　digest。　Such　a　folio！