augustus does his bit-第2章

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intentions。

AUGUSTUS　＇springing　to　his　feet＇。　Do　you　mean　to　insinuate　that
hell　is　paved　with　MY　good　intentionswith　the　good　intentions
of　His　Majesty's　Government？

THE　CLERK。　I　don't　mean　to　insinuate　anything　until　the　Defence
of　the　Realm　Act　is　repealed。　It　ain't　safe。

AUGUSTUS。　They　told　me　that　this　town　had　set　an　example　to　all
England　in　the　matter　of　economy。　I　came　down　here　to　promise　the
Mayor　a　knighthood　for　his　exertions。

THE　CLERK。　The　Mayor！　Where　do　I　come　in？

AUGUSTUS。　You　don't　come　in。　You　go　out。　This　is　a　fool　of　a
place。　I'm　greatly　disappointed。　Deeply　disappointed。　＇Flinging
himself　back　into　his　chair。＇　Disgusted。

THE　CLERK。　What　more　can　we　do？　We've　shut　up　everything。　The
picture　gallery　is　shut。　The　museum　is　shut。　The　theatres　and
picture　shows　is　shut：　I　haven't　seen　a　movie　picture　for　six
months。

AUGUSTUS。　Man；　man：　do　you　want　to　see　picture　shows　when　the　Hun
is　at　the　gate？

THE　CLERK　＇mournfully＇。　I　don't　now；　though　it　drove　me
melancholy　mad　at　first。　I　was　on　the　point　of　taking　a　pennorth
of　rat　poison

AUGUSTUS。　Why　didn't　you？

THE　CLERK。　Because　a　friend　advised　me　to　take　to　drink　instead。
That　saved　my　life；　though　it　makes　me　very　poor　company　in　the
mornings；　as　＇hiccuping＇　perhaps　you've　noticed。

AUGUSTUS。　Well；　upon　my　soul！　You　are　not　ashamed　to　stand　there
and　confess　yourself　a　disgusting　drunkard。

THE　CLERK。　Well；　what　of　it？　We're　at　war　now；　and　everything's
changed。　Besides；　I　should　lose　my　job　here　if　I　stood　drinking
at　the　bar。　I'm　a　respectable　man　and　must　buy　my　drink　and　take
it　home　with　me。　And　they　won't　serve　me　with　less　than　a　quart。
If　you'd　told　me　before　the　war　that　I　could　get　through　a　quart
of　whisky　in　a　day；　I　shouldn't　have　believed　you。　That's　the
good　of　war：　it　brings　out　powers　in　a　man　that　he　never
suspected　himself　capable　of。　You　said　so　yourself　in　your　speech
last　night。

AUGUSTUS。　I　did　not　know　that　I　was　talking　to　an　imbecile。　You
ought　to　be　ashamed　of　yourself。　There　must　be　an　end　of　this
drunken　slacking。　I'm　going　to　establish　a　new　order　of　things
here。　I　shall　come　down　every　morning　before　breakfast　until
things　are　properly　in　train。　Have　a　cup　of　coffee　and　two　rolls
for　me　here　every　morning　at　half…past　ten。

THE　CLERK。　You　can't　have　no　rolls。　The　only　baker　that　baked
rolls　was　a　Hun；　and　he's　been　interned。

AUGUSTUS。　Quite　right；　too。　And　was　there　no　Englishman　to　take
his　place？

THE　CLERK。　There　was。　But　he　was　caught　spying；　and　they　took　him
up　to　London　and　shot　him。

AUGUSTUS。　Shot　an　Englishman！

THE　CLERK。　Well；　it　stands　to　reason　if　the　Germans　wanted　to　spy
they　wouldn't　employ　a　German　that　everybody　would　suspect；　don't
it？

AUGUSTUS　＇rising　again＇。　Do　you　mean　to　say；　you　scoundrel；　that
an　Englishman　is　capable　of　selling　his　country　to　the　enemy　for
gold？

THE　CLERK。　Not　as　a　general　thing　I　wouldn't　say　it；　but　there's
men　here　would　sell　their　own　mothers　for　two　coppers　if　they　got
the　chance。

AUGUSTUS。　Beamish；　it's　an　ill　bird　that　fouls　its　own　nest。

THE　CLERK。　It　wasn't　me　that　let　Little　Pifflington　get　foul。　I
don't　belong　to　the　governing　classes。　I　only　tell　you　why　you
can't　have　no　rolls。

AUGUSTUS　＇intensely　irritated＇。　Can　you　tell　me　where　I　can　find
an　intelligent　being　to　take　my　orders？

THE　CLERK。　One　of　the　street　sweepers　used　to　teach　in　the　school
until　it　was　shut　up　for　the　sake　of　economy。　Will　he　do？

AUGUSTUS。　What！　You　mean　to　tell　me　that　when　the　lives　of　the
gallant　fellows　in　our　trenches；　and　the　fate　of　the　British
Empire；　depend　on　our　keeping　up　the　supply　of　shells；　you　are
wasting　money　on　sweeping　the　streets？

THE　CLERK。　We　have　to。　We　dropped　it　for　a　while；　but　the　infant
death　rate　went　up　something　frightful。

AUGUSTUS。　What　matters　the　death　rate　of　Little　Pifflington　in　a
moment　like　this？　Think　of　our　gallant　soldiers；　not　of　your
squalling　infants。

THE　CLERK。　If　you　want　soldiers　you　must　have　children。　You　can't
buy　em　in　boxes；　like　toy　soldiers。

AUGUSTUS。　Beamish；　the　long　and　the　short　of　it　is；　you　are　no
patriot。　Go　downstairs　to　your　office；　and　have　that　gas　stove
taken　away　and　replaced　by　an　ordinary　grate。　The　Board　of　Trade
has　urged　on　me　the　necessity　for　economizing　gas。

THE　CLERK。　Our　orders　from　the　Minister　of　Munitions　is　to　use
gas　instead　of　coal；　because　it　saves　material。　Which　is　it　to
be？

AUGUSTUS　＇bawling　furiously　at　him＇。　Both！　Don't　criticize　your
orders：　obey　them。　Yours　not　to　reason　why：　yours　but　to　do　and
die。　That's　war。　＇Cooling　down。＇　Have　you　anything　else　to　say？

THE　CLERK。　Yes：　I　want　a　rise。

AUGUSTUS　＇reeling　against　the　table　in　his　horror＇。　A　rise！
Horatio　Floyd　Beamish；　do　you　know　that　we　are　at　war？

THE　CLERK　＇feebly　ironical＇。　I　have　noticed　something　about　it　in
the　papers。　Heard　you　mention　it　once　or　twice；　now　I　come　to
think　of　it。

AUGUSTUS。　Our　gallant　fellows　are　dying　in　the　trenches；　and　you
want　a　rise！

THE　CLERK。　What　are　they　dying　for？　To　keep　me　alive；　ain't　it？
Well；　what's　the　good　of　that　if　I'm　dead　of　hunger　by　the　time
they　come　back？

AUGUSTUS。　Everybody　else　is　making　sacrifices　without　a　thought
of　self；　and　you

THE　CLERK。　Not　half；　they　ain't。　Where's　the　baker's　sacrifice？
Where's　the　coal　merchant's？　Where's　the　butcher's？　Charging　me
double：　that's　how　they　sacrifice　themselves。　Well；　I　want　to
sacrifice　myself　that　way　too。　Just　double　next　Saturday：　double
and　not　a　penny　less；　or　no　secretary　for　you　＇he　stiffens
himself　shakily；　and　makes　resolutely　for　the　door。＇

AUGUSTUS　＇looking　after　him　contemptuously＇。　Go；　miserable
pro…German。

THE　CLERK　＇rushing　back　and　facing　him＇。　Who　are　you　calling　a
pro…German？

AUGUSTUS。　Another　word；　and　I　charge　you　under　the　Act　with
discouraging　me。　Go。

The　clerk　blenches　and　goes　out；　cowed。

The　telephone　rings。

AUGUSTUS　＇taking　up　the　telephone　receiver。　Hallo。　Yes：　who　are
you？。。。oh；　Blueloo；　is　it？。。。Yes：　there's　nobody　in　the　room：
fire　away。　What？。。。A　spy！。。。A　woman！。。。Yes：　brought　it　down　with
me。　Do　you　suppose　I'm　such　a　fool　as　to　let　it　out　of　my　hands？
Why；　it　gives　a　list　of　all　our　anti…aircraft　emplacements　from
Ramsgate　to　Skegness。　The　Germans　would　give　a　million　for　it
what？。。。　But　how　could　she　possibly　know　about　it？　I　haven't
mentioned　it　to　a　soul；　except；　of　course；　dear　Lucy。。。Oh；　Toto
and　Lady　Popham　and　that　lot：　they　don't　count：　they're　all
right。　I　mean　that　I　haven't　mentioned　it　to　any　Germans。。。。
Pooh！　Don't　you　be　nervous；　old　chap。　I　know　you　think　me　a　fool；
but　I'm　not　such　a　fool　as　all　that。　If　she　tries　to　get　it　out
of　me　I'll　have　her　in　the　Tower　before　you　ring　up　again。　＇The
clerk　returns。＇　Sh…sh！　Somebody's　just　come　in：　ring　off。
Goodbye。　＇He　hangs　up　the　receiver。＇

THE　CLERK。　Are　you　engaged？　＇His　manner　is　strangely　softened。＇

AUGUSTUS。　What　business　is　that　of　yours？　However；　if　you　will
take　the　trouble　to　read　the　society　papers　for　this　week；　you
will　see　that　I　am　engaged　to　the　Honorable　Lucy　Popham；　youngest
daughter　of

THE　CLERK。　That　ain't　what　I　mean。　Can　you　see　a　female？

AUGUSTUS。　Of　course　I　can　see　a　female　as　easily　as　a　male。　Do
you　suppose　I'm　blind？

THE　CLERK。　You　don't　seem　to　follow　me；　somehow。　There's　a　female
downstairs：　what　you　might　call　a　lady。　She　wants　to　know　can　you
see　her　if　I　let　her　up。

AUGUSTUS。　Oh；　you　mean　am　I　disengaged。　Tell　the　lady　I　have　just
received　news　of　the　greatest　importance　which　will　occupy　my
entire　attention　for　the　rest　of　the　day；　and　that　she　must　write
for　an　appointment。

THE　CLERK。　I'll　ask　her　to　explain　her　business　to　me。　I　ain't
above　talking　to　a　handsome　young　female　when　I　get　the　chance
＇going＇。

AUGUSTUS。　Stop。　Does　she　seem　to　be　a　person　of　consequence？

THE　CLERK。　A　regular　marchioness；　if　you　ask　me。

AUGUSTUS。　Hm！　Beautiful；　did　you　say？

THE　CLERK。　A　human　chrysanthemum；　sir；　believe　me。

AUGUSTUS。　It　will　be　extremely　inconvenient　for　me　to　see　her；
but　the　country　is　in　danger；　and　we　must　not　consider　our　own
comfort。　Think　how　our　gallant　fellows　are　suffering　in　the
trenches！