01-the kreutzer sonata-第8章

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though　he　may　clothe　it　with　pretexts　and　the　false　forms　of

marriage；　he　will　have　only　permissible　debauchery；　he　will　know

only　the　same　immoral　life　in　which　I　fell　and　caused　my　wife　to

fall；　a　life　which　we　call　the　honest　life　of　the　family。　　Think

what　a　perversion　of　ideas　must　arise　when　the　happiest　situation

of　man；　liberty；　chastity；　is　looked　upon　as　something　wretched

and　ridiculous。　　The　highest　ideal；　the　best　situation　of　woman；

to　be　pure；　to　be　a　vestal；　a　virgin；　excites　fear　and　laughter

in　our　society。　　How　many；　how　many　young　girls　sacrifice　their

purity　to　this　Moloch　of　opinion　by　marrying　rascals　that　they

may　not　remain　virgins；that　is；　superiors！　Through　fear　of

finding　themselves　in　that　ideal　state；　they　ruin　themselves。



〃But　I　did　not　understand　formerly；　I　did　not　understand　that　the

words　of　the　Gospel；　that　'he　who　looks　upon　a　woman　to　lust

after　her　has　already　committed　adultery；'　do　not　apply　to　the

wives　of　others；　but　notably　and　especially　to　our　own　wives。　　I

did　not　understand　this；　and　I　thought　that　the　honeymoon　and　all

of　my　acts　during　that　period　were　virtuous；　and　that　to　satisfy

one's　desires　with　his　wife　is　an　eminently　chaste　thing。　　Know；

then；　that　I　consider　these　departures；　these　isolations；　which

young　married　couples　arrange　with　the　permission　of　their

parents；　as　nothing　else　than　a　license　to　engage　in　debauchery。



〃I　saw；　then；　in　this　nothing　bad　or　shameful；　and；　hoping　for

great　joys；　I　began　to　live　the　honeymoon。　　And　very　certainly

none　of　these　joys　followed。　　But　I　had　faith；　and　was　determined

to　have　them；　cost　what　they　might。　　But　the　more　I　tried　to

secure　them；　the　less　I　succeeded。　　All　this　time　I　felt　anxious；

ashamed；　and　weary。　　Soon　I　began　to　suffer。　　I　believe　that　on

the　third　or　fourth　day　I　found　my　wife　sad　and　asked　her　the

reason。　　I　began　to　embrace　her；　which　in　my　opinion　was　all　that

she　could　desire。　　She　put　me　away　with　her　hand；　and　began　to

weep。



〃At　what？　　She　could　not　tell　me。　　She　was　filled　with　sorrow；

with　anguish。　　Probably　her　tortured　nerves　had　suggested　to　her

the　truth　about　the　baseness　of　our　relations；　but　she　found　no

words　in　which　to　say　it。　　I　began　to　question　her；　she　answered

that　she　missed　her　absent　mother。　　It　seemed　to　me　that　she　was

not　telling　the　truth。　　I　sought　to　console　her　by　maintaining

silence　in　regard　to　her　parents。　　I　did　not　imagine　that　she

felt　herself　simply　overwhelmed；　and　that　her　parents　had　nothing

to　do　with　her　sorrow。　　She　did　not　listen　to　me；　and　I　accused

her　of　caprice。　　I　began　to　laugh　at　her　gently。　　She　dried　her

tears；　and　began　to　reproach　me；　in　hard　and　wounding　terms；　for

my　selfishness　and　cruelty。



〃I　looked　at　her。　　Her　whole　face　expressed　hatred；　and　hatred　of

me。　　I　cannot　describe　to　you　the　fright　which　this　sight　gave

me。　　'How？　What？'　thought　I；　'love　is　the　unity　of　souls；　and

here　she　hates　me？　　Me？　　Why？　　But　it　is　impossible！　　It　is　no

longer　she！'



〃I　tried　to　calm　her。　　I　came　in　conflict　with　an　immovable　and

cold　hostility；　so　that；　having　no　time　to　reflect；　I　was　seized

with　keen　irritation。　　We　exchanged　disagreeable　remarks。　　The

impression　of　this　first　quarrel　was　terrible。　　I　say　quarrel；

but　the　term　is　inexact。　　It　was　the　sudden　discovery　of　the

abyss　that　had　been　dug　between　us。　　Love　was　exhausted　with　the

satisfaction　of　sensuality。　　We　stood　face　to　face　in　our　true

light；　like　two　egoists　trying　to　procure　the　greatest　possible

enjoyment；　like　two　individuals　trying　to　mutually　exploit　each

other。



〃So　what　I　called　our　quarrel　was　our　actual　situation　as　it

appeared　after　the　satisfaction　of　sensual　desire。　　I　did　not

realize　that　this　cold　hostility　was　our　normal　state；　and　that

this　first　quarrel　would　soon　be　drowned　under　a　new　flood　of　the

intensest　sensuality。　　I　thought　that　we　had　disputed　with　each

other；　and　had　become　reconciled；　and　that　it　would　not　happen

again。　　But　in　this　same　honeymoon　there　came　a　period　of

satiety；　in　which　we　ceased　to　be　necessary　to　each　other；　and　a

new　quarrel　broke　out。



〃It　became　evident　that　the　first　was　not　a　matter　of　chance。　

'It　was　inevitable；'　I　thought。　This　second　quarrel　stupefied　me

the　more；　because　it　was　based　on　an　extremely　unjust　cause。　It

was　something　like　a　question　of　money；and　never　had　I　haggled

on　that　score；　it　was　even　impossible　that　I　should　do　so　in

relation　to　her。　　I　only　remember　that；　in　answer　to　some　remark

that　I　made；　she　insinuated　that　it　was　my　intention　to　rule　her

by　means　of　money；　and　that　it　was　upon　money　that　I　based　my

sole　right　over　her。　　In　short；　something　extraordinarily　stupid

and　base；　which　was　neither　in　my　character　nor　in　hers。



〃I　was　beside　myself。　　I　accused　her　of　indelicacy。　　She　made　the

same　accusation　against　me；　and　the　dispute　broke　out。　　In　her

words；　in　the　expression　of　her　face；　of　her　eyes；　I　noticed

again　the　hatred　that　had　so　astonished　me　before。　　With　a

brother；　friends；　my　father；　I　had　occasionally　quarrelled；　but

never　had　there　been　between　us　this　fierce　spite。　　Some　time

passed。　　Our　mutual　hatred　was　again　concealed　beneath　an　access

of　sensual　desire；　and　I　again　consoled　myself　with　the

reflection　that　these　scenes　were　reparable　faults。



〃But　when　they　were　repeated　a　third　and　a　fourth　time；　I

understood　that　they　were　not　simply　faults；　but　a　fatality　that

must　happen　again。　　I　was　no　longer　frightened；　I　was　simply

astonished　that　I　should　be　precisely　the　one　to　live　so

uncomfortably　with　my　wife；　and　that　the　same　thing　did　not

happen　in　other　households。　　I　did　not　know　that　in　all

households　the　same　sudden　changes　take　place；　but　that　all；　like

myself；　imagine　that　it　is　a　misfortune　exclusively　reserved　for

themselves　alone；　which　they　carefully　conceal　as　shameful；　not

only　to　others；　but　to　themselves；　like　a　bad　disease。



〃That　was　what　happened　to　me。　　Begun　in　the　early　days；　it

continued　and　increased　with　characteristics　of　fury　that　were

ever　more　pronounced。　　At　the　bottom　of　my　soul；　from　the　first

weeks；　I　felt　that　I　was　in　a　trap；　that　I　had　what　I　did　not

expect；　and　that　marriage　is　not　a　joy；　but　a　painful　trial。　

Like　everybody　else；　I　refused　to　confess　it　（I　should　not　have

confessed　it　even　now　but　for　the　outcome）。　　Now　I　am　astonished

to　think　that　I　did　not　see　my　real　situation。　　It　was　so　easy　to

perceive　it；　in　view　of　those　quarrels；　begun　for　reasons　so

trivial　that　afterwards　one　could　not　recall　them。



〃Just　as　it　often　happens　among　gay　young　people　that；　in　the

absence　of　jokes；　they　laugh　at　their　own　laughter；　so　we　found

no　reasons　for　our　hatred；　and　we　hated　each　other　because　hatred

was　naturally　boiling　up　in　us。　　More　extraordinary　still　was　the

absence　of　causes　for　reconciliation。



〃Sometimes　words；　explanations；　or　even　tears；　but　sometimes；　I

remember；　after　insulting　words；　there　tacitly　followed　embraces

and　declarations。　　Abomination！　　Why　is　it　that　I　did　not　then

perceive　this　baseness？



　

CHAPTER　XIII。



〃All　of　us；　men　and　women；　are　brought　up　in　these　aberrations

of　feeling　that　we　call　love。　　I　from　childhood　had　prepared

myself　for　this　thing；　and　I　loved；　and　I　loved　during　all　my

youth；　and　I　was　joyous　in　loving。　　It　had　been　put　into　my　head

that　it　was　the　noblest　and　highest　occupation　in　the　world。　　But

when　this　expected　feeling　came　at　last；　and　I；　a　man；　abandoned

myself　to　it；　the　lie　was　pierced　through　and　through。　

Theoretically　a　lofty　love　is　conceivable；　practically　it　is　an

ignoble　and　degrading　thing；　which　it　is　equally　disgusting　to

talk　about　and　to　remember。　　It　is　not　in　vain　that　nature　has

made　ceremonies；　but　people　pretend　that　the　ignoble　and　the

shameful　is　beautiful　and　lofty。



〃I　will　tell　you　brutally　and　briefly　what　were　the　first　signs

of　my　love。　　I　abandoned　myself