01-the kreutzer sonata-第23章

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wrath。'



〃No；　they　did　not　finish。　　That　other　thing　was　going　to　begin；

of　which　he　was　afraid；　and　was　going　to　annihilate　what　they

wanted　to　say。　　I　threw　myself　upon　her；　still　hiding　the　dagger；

that　he　might　not　prevent　me　from　striking　where　I　desired；　in

her　bosom；　under　the　breast。　　At　that　moment　he　saw　。　。　。　and；

what　I　did　not　expect　on　his　part；　he　quickly　seized　my　hand；　and

cried：



〃'Come　to　your　senses！　　What　are　you　doing？　　Help！　　Help！'



〃I　tore　my　hands　from　his　grasp；　and　leaped　upon　him。　　I　must

have　been　very　terrible；　for　he　turned　as　white　as　a　sheet；　to

his　lips。　　His　eyes　scintillated　singularly；　andagain　what　I

did　not　expect　of　himhe　scrambled　under　the　piano；　toward　the

other　room。　　I　tried　to　follow　him；　but　a　very　heavy　weight　fell

upon　my　left　arm。　　It　was　she。



〃I　made　an　effort　to　clear　myself。　　She　clung　more　heavily　than

ever；　refusing　to　let　go。　　This　unexpected　obstacle；　this　burden；

and　this　repugnant　touch　only　irritated　me　the　more。　　I　perceived

that　I　was　completely　mad；　that　I　must　be　frightful；　and　I　was

glad　of　it。　　With　a　sudden　impulse；　and　with　all　my　strength；　I

dealt　her；　with　my　left　elbow；　a　blow　squarely　in　the　face。



〃She　uttered　a　cry　and　let　go　my　arm。　　I　wanted　to　follow　the

other；　but　I　felt　that　it　would　be　ridiculous　to　pursue　in　my

stockings　the　lover　of　my　wife；　and　I　did　not　wish　to　be

grotesque；　I　wished　to　be　terrible。　　In　spite　of　my　extreme　rage；

I　was　all　the　time　conscious　of　the　impression　that　I　was　making

upon　others；　and　even　this　impression　partially　guided　me。



〃I　turned　toward　her。　　She　had　fallen　on　the　long　easy　chair；

and；　covering　her　face　at　the　spot　where　I　had　struck　her；　she

looked　at　me。　Her　features　exhibited　fear　and　hatred　toward　me；

her　enemy；　such　as　the　rat　exhibits　when　one　lifts　the　rat…trap。　

At　least；　I　saw　nothing　in　her　but　that　fear　and　hatred；　the　fear

and　hatred　which　love　for　another　had　provoked。　　Perhaps　I　still

should　have　restrained　myself；　and　should　not　have　gone　to　the

last　extremity；　if　she　had　maintained　silence。　　But　suddenly　she

began　to　speak；　she　grasped　my　hand　that　held　the　dagger。



〃'Come　to　your　senses！　　What　are　you　doing？　　What　is　the　matter

with　you？　　Nothing　has　happened；　nothing；　nothing！　　I　swear　it　to

you！'



〃I　might　have　delayed　longer；　but　these　last　words；　from　which　I

inferred　the　contrary　of　what　they　affirmed；that　is；　that

EVERYTHING　had　happened；these　words　called　for　a　reply。　And　the

reply　must　correspond　to　the　condition　into　which　I　had　lashed

myself；　and　which　was　increasing　and　must　continue　to　increase。　

Rage　has　its　laws。



〃'Do　not　lie；　wretch。　　Do　not　lie！'　I　roared。



〃With　my　left　hand　I　seized　her　hands。　　She　disengaged　herself。　

Then；　without　dropping　my　dagger；　I　seized　her　by　the　throat；

forced　her　to　the　floor；　and　began　to　strangle　her。　　With　her　two

hands　she　clutched　mine；　tearing　them　from　her　throat；　stifling。　

Then　I　struck　her　a　blow　with　the　dagger；　in　the　left　side；

between　the　lower　ribs。



〃When　people　say　that　they　do　not　remember　what　they　do　in　a　fit

of　fury；　they　talk　nonsense。　It　is　false。　　I　remember　everything。



I　did　not　lose　my　consciousness　for　a　single　moment。　　The　more　I

lashed　myself　to　fury；　the　clearer　my　mind　became；　and　I　could

not　help　seeing　what　I　did。　　I　cannot　say　that　I　knew　in　advance

what　I　would　do；　but　at　the　moment　when　I　acted；　and　it　seems　to

me　even　a　little　before；　I　knew　what　I　was　doing；　as　if　to　make

it　possible　to　repent；　and　to　be　able　to　say　later　that　I　could

have　stopped。



〃I　knew　that　I　struck　the　blow　between　the　ribs；　and　that　the

dagger　entered。



〃At　the　second　when　I　did　it；　I　knew　that　I　was　performing　a

horrible　act；　such　as　I　had　never　performed；an　act　that　would

have　frightful　consequences。　　My　thought　was　as　quick　as

lightning；　and　the　deed　followed　immediately。　　The　act；　to　my

inner　sense；　had　an　extraordinary　clearness。　　I　perceived　the

resistance　of　the　corset　and　then　something　else；　and　then　the

sinking　of　the　knife　into　a　soft　substance。　　She　clutched　at　the

dagger　with　her　hands；　and　cut　herself　with　it；　but　could　not

restrain　the　blow。



〃Long　afterward；　in　prison　when　the　moral　revolution　had　been

effected　within　me；　I　thought　of　that　minute；　I　remembered　it　as

far　as　I　could；　and　I　co…ordinated　all　the　sudden　changes。　　I

remembered　the　terrible　consciousness　which　I　felt；that　I　was

killing　a　wife；　MY　wife。



〃I　well　remember　the　horror　of　that　consciousness　and　I　know

vaguely　that；　having　plunged　in　the　dagger；　I　drew　it　out　again

immediately；　wishing　to　repair　and　arrest　my　action。　　She

straightened　up　and　cried：



〃'Nurse；　he　has　killed　me！'



〃The　old　nurse；　who　had　heard　the　noise；　was　standing　in　the

doorway。　　I　was　still　erect；　waiting；　and　not　believing　myself　in

what　had　happened。　　But　at　that　moment；　from　under　her　corset；

the　blood　gushed　forth。　　Then　only　did　I　understand　that　all

reparation　was　impossible；　and　promptly　I　decided　that　it　was　not

even　necessary；　that　all　had　happened　in　accordance　with　my　wish；

and　that　I　had　fulfilled　my　desire。　　I　waited　until　she　fell；　and

until　the　nurse；　exclaiming；　'Oh；　my　God！'　ran　to　her；　then　only

I　threw　away　the　dagger　and　went　out　of　the　room。



〃'I　must　not　be　agitated。　　I　must　be　conscious　of　what　I　am

doing；'　I　said　to　myself；　looking　neither　at　her　nor　at　the　old

nurse。　　The　latter　cried　and　called　the　maid。　　I　passed　through

the　hall；　and；　after　having　sent　the　maid；　started　for　my　study。



〃'What　shall　I　do　now？'　I　asked　myself。



〃And　immediately　I　understood　what　I　should　do。　　Directly　after

entering　the　study；　I　went　straight　to　the　wall；　took　down　the

revolver；　and　examined　it　attentively。　　It　was　loaded。　　Then　I

placed　it　on　the　table。　　Next　I　picked　up　the　sheath　of　the

dagger；　which　had　dropped　down　behind　the　sofa；　and　then　I　sat

down。　　I　remained　thus　for　a　long　time。　　I　thought　of　nothing；　I

did　not　try　to　remember　anything。　　I　heard　a　stifled　noise　of

steps；　a　movement　of　objects　and　of　tapestries；　then　the　arrival

of　a　person；　and　then　the　arrival　of　another　person。　　Then　I　saw

Gregor　bring　into　my　room　the　baggage　from　the　railway；　as　if　any

one　needed　it！



〃'Have　you　heard　what　has　happened？'　I　asked　him。　　'Have　you　told

the　dvornik　to　inform　the　police？'



〃He　made　no　answer；　and　went　out。　　I　rose；　closed　the　door；　took

the　cigarettes　and　the　matches；　and　began　to　smoke。　　I　had　not

finished　one　cigarette；　when　a　drowsy　feeling　came　over　me　and

sent　me　into　a　deep　sleep。　　I　surely　slept　two　hours。　　I　remember

having　dreamed　that　I　was　on　good　terms　with　her；　that　after　a

quarrel　we　were　in　the　act　of　making　up；　that　something　prevented

us；　but　that　we　were　friends　all　the　same。



〃A　knock　at　the　door　awoke　me。



〃'It　is　the　police；'　thought　I；　as　I　opened　my　eyes。　　'I　have

killed；　I　believe。　　But　perhaps　it　is　SHE；　perhaps　nothing　has

happened。'



〃Another　knock。　　I　did　not　answer。　　I　was　solving　the　question：

'Has　it　happened　or　not？　Yes；　it　has　happened。'



〃I　remembered　the　resistance　of　the　corset；　and　then。　。　。　。　

'Yes；　it　has　happened。　　Yes；　it　has　happened。　　Yes；　now　I　must

execute　myself；'　said　I　to　myself。



〃I　said　it；　but　I　knew　well　that　I　should　not　kill　myself。　

Nevertheless；　I　rose　and　took　the　revolver；　but；　strange　thing；　I

remembered　that　formerly　I　had　very　often　had　suicidal　ideas；

that　that　very　night；　on　the　cars；　it　had　seemed　to　me　easy；

especially　easy　because　I　thought　how　it　would　stupefy　her。　　Now

I　not　only　could　not　kill　myself；　but　I　could　not　even　think　of

it。



〃'Why　do　it？'　I　asked　myself；　without　answering。



〃Another　knock　at　the　door。



〃'Yes；　but　I　must　first　know　who　is　knocking。　　I　have　time

enough。'



〃I　put　the　revolver　back　on　the　table；　and　hid　it　under　my

newspaper。　　I　went　to　the　door　and　drew　back　the　bolt。



〃It