01-the kreutzer sonata-第22章

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that；　with　a　tone　that　was　intended　to　give　me　pleasure；　and

dissipate　my　doubts。　'That's　it！　that's　it！'　I　had　the　air　of

saying　to　myself。　　'And　the　children？'



〃'Thank　God；　they　are　very　well。　　They　went　to　sleep　long　ago。'



〃I　scarcely　breathed；　and　I　could　not　keep　my　jaw　from　trembling。



Then　it　was　not　as　I　thought。　　I　had　often　before　returned　home

with　the　thought　that　a　misfortune　had　awaited　me；　but　had　been

mistaken；　and　everything　was　going　on　as　usual。　　But　now　things

were　not　going　on　as　usual。　　All　that　I　had　imagined；　all　that　I

believed　to　be　chimeras；　all　really　existed。　Here　was　the　truth。



〃I　was　on　the　point　of　sobbing；　but　straightway　the　demon

whispered　in　my　ear：　'Weep　and　be　sentimental；　and　they　will

separate　quietly；　and　there　will　be　no　proofs；　and　all　your　life

you　will　doubt　and　suffer。'　　And　pity　for　myself　vanished；　and

there　remained　only　the　bestial　need　of　some　adroit；　cunning；　and

energetic　action。　　I　became　a　beast；　an　intelligent　beast。



〃'No；　no；'　said　I　to　Gregor；　who　was　about　to　announce　my

arrival。　　'Do　this；　take　a　carriage；　and　go　at　once　for　my

baggage。　　Here　is　the　check。　　Start。'



〃He　went　along　the　hall　to　get　his　overcoat。　Fearing　lest　he

might　frighten　them；　I　accompanied　him　to　his　little　room；　and

waited　for　him　to　put　on　his　things。　　In　the　dining…room　could　be

heard　the　sound　of　conversation　and　the　rattling　of　knives　and

plates。　　They　were　eating。　　They　had　not　heard　the　ring。　　'Now　if

they　only　do　not　go　out；'　I　thought。



〃Gregor　put　on　his　fur…collared　coat　and　went　out。　　I　closed　the

door　after　him。　　I　felt　anxious　when　I　was　alone；　thinking　that

directly　I　should　have　to　act。　　How？　　I　did　not　yet　know。　I　knew

only　that　all　was　ended；　that　there　could　be　no　doubt　of　his

innocence；　and　that　in　an　instant　my　relations　with　her　were

going　to　be　terminated。　　Before；　I　had　still　doubts。　　I　said　to

myself：　'Perhaps　this　is　not　true。　　Perhaps　I　am　mistaken。'　　Now

all　doubt　had　disappeared。　　All　was　decided　irrevocably。　

Secretly；　all　alone　with　him；　at　night！　　It　is　a　violation　of　all

duties！　　Or；　worse　yet；　she　may　make　a　show　of　that　audacity；　of

that　insolence　in　crime；　which；　by　its　excess；　tends　to　prove

innocence。　　All　is　clear。　　No　doubt。　　I　feared　but　one

thing；that　they　might　run　in　different　directions；　that　they

might　invent　some　new　lie；　and　thus　deprive　me　of　material　proof；

and　of　the　sorrowful　joy　of　punishing；　yes；　of　executing　them。



〃And　to　surprise　them　more　quickly；　I　started　on　tiptoe　for　the

dining…room；　not　through　the　parlor；　but　through　the　hall　and　the

children's　rooms。　　In　the　first　room　slept　the　little　boy。　　In

the　second；　the　old　nurse　moved　in　her　bed；　and　seemed　on　the

point　of　waking；　and　I　wondered　what　she　would　think　when　she

knew　all。　　And　pity　for　myself　gave　me　such　a　pang　that　I　could

not　keep　the　tears　back。　　Not　to　wake　the　children；　I　ran　lightly

through　the　hall　into　my　　study。　　I　dropped　upon　the　sofa；　and

sobbed。　'I；　an　honest　man；　I；　the　son　of　my　parents；　who　all　my

life　long　have　dreamed　of　family　happiness；　I　who　have　never

betrayed！　。　。　。　And　here　my　five　children；　and　she　embracing　a

musician　because　he　has　red　lips！　　No；　she　is　not　a　woman！　　She

is　a　bitch；　a　dirty　bitch！　　Beside　the　chamber　of　the　children；

whom　she　had　pretended　to　love　all　her　life！　　And　then　to　think

of　what　she　wrote　me！　　And　how　do　I　know？　　Perhaps　it　has　always

been　thus。　　Perhaps　all　these　children；　supposed　to　be　mine；　are

the　children　of　my　servants。　　And　if　I　had　arrived　to…morrow；　she

would　have　come　to　meet　me　with　her　coiffure；　with　her　corsage；

her　indolent　and　graceful　movements　（and　I　see　her　attractive　and

ignoble　features）；　and　this　jealous　animal　would　have　remained

forever　in　my　heart；　tearing　it。　　What　will　the　old　nurse　say？　

And　Gregor？　　And　the　poor　little　Lise？　　She　already　understands

things。　　And　this　impudence；　this　falsehood；　this　bestial

sensuality；　that　I　know　so　well；'　I　said　to　myself。



〃I　tried　to　rise。　　I　could　not。　　My　heart　was　beating　so

violently　that　I　could　not　hold　myself　upon　my　legs。　　'Yes；　I

shall　die　of　a　rush　of　blood。　　She　will　kill　me。　　That　is　what

she　wants。　　What　is　it　to　her　to　kill？　　But　that　would　be　too

agreeable　to　him；　and　I　will　not　allow　him　to　have　this　pleasure。



Yes；　here　I　am；　and　there　they　are。　　They　are　laughing；　they。　。　。

。　　Yes；　in　spite　of　the　fact　that　she　is　no　longer　in　her　early

youth；　he　has　not　disdained　her。　　At　any　rate；　she　is　by　no　means

ugly；　and　above　all；　not　dangerous　to　his　dear　health；　to　him。　

Why　did　I　not　stifle　her　then？'　said　I　to　myself；　as　I　remembered

that　other　scene　of　the　previous　week；　when　I　drove　her　from　my

study；　and　broke　the　furniture。



〃And　I　recalled　the　state　in　which　I　was　then。　　Not　only　did　I

recall　it；　but　I　again　entered　into　the　same　bestial　state。　　And

suddenly　there　came　to　me　a　desire　to　act；　and　all　reasoning；

except　such　as　was　necessary　to　action；　vanished　from　my　brain；

and　I　was　in　the　condition　of　a　beast；　and　of　a　man　under　the

influence　of　physical　excitement　pending　a　danger；　who　acts

imperturbably；　without　haste；　and　yet　without　losing　a　minute；

pursuing　a　definite　object。



〃The　first　thing　that　I　did　was　to　take　off　my　boots；　and　now；

having　only　stockings　on；　I　advanced　toward　the　wall；　over　the

sofa；　where　firearms　and　daggers　were　hanging；　and　I　took　down　a

curved　Damascus　blade；　which　I　had　never　used；　and　which　was　very

sharp。　　I　took　it　from　its　sheath。　　I　remember　that　the　sheath

fell　upon　the　sofa；　and　that　I　said　to　myself：　'I　must　look　for

it　later；　it　must　not　be　lost。'



〃Then　I　took　off　my　overcoat；　which　I　had　kept　on　all　the　time；

and　with　wolf…like　tread　started　for　THE　ROOM。　　I　do　not　remember

how　I　proceeded；　whether　I　ran　or　went　slowly；　through　what

chambers　I　passed；　how　I　approached　the　dining…room；　how　I　opened

the　door；　how　I　entered。　　I　remember　nothing　about　it。



　

CHAPTER　XXVII。



〃I　Remember　only　the　expression　of　their　faces　when　I　opened　the

door。　　I　remember　that；　because　it　awakened　in　me　a　feeling　of

sorrowful　joy。　　It　was　an　expression　of　terror；　such　as　I

desired。　　Never　shall　I　forget　that　desperate　and　sudden　fright

that　appeared　on　their　faces　when　they　saw　me。　　He；　I　believe；

was　at　the　table；　and；　when　he　saw　or　heard　me；　he　started；

jumped　to　his　feet；　and　retreated　to　the　sideboard。　　Fear　was　the

only　sentiment　that　could　be　read　with　certainty　in　his　face。　　In

hers；　too；　fear　was　to　be　read；　but　accompanied　by　other

impressions。　　And　yet；　if　her　face　had　expressed　only　fear；

perhaps　that　which　happened　would　not　have　happened。　　But　in　the

expression　of　her　face　there　was　at　the　first　momentat　least；　I

thought　I　saw　ita　feeling　of　ennui；　of　discontent；　at　this

disturbance　of　her　love　and　happiness。　　One　would　have　said　that

her　sole　desire　was　not　to　be　disturbed　IN　THE　MOMENT　OF　HER

HAPPINESS。　　But　these　expressions　appeared　upon　their　faces　only

for　a　moment。　　Terror　almost　immediately　gave　place　to

interrogation。　　Would　they　lie　or　not？　　If　yes；　they　must　begin。　

If　not；　something　else　was　going　to　happen。　　But　what？



〃He　gave　her　a　questioning　glance。　　On　her　face　the　expression　of

anguish　and　ennui　changed；　it　seemed　to　me；　when　she　looked　at

him；　into　an　expression　of　anxiety　for　HIM。　　For　a　moment　I　stood

in　the　doorway；　holding　the　dagger　hidden　behind　my　back。　

Suddenly　he　smiled；　and　in　a　voice　that　was　indifferent　almost　to

the　point　of　ridicule；　he　said：



〃'We　were　having　some　music。'



〃'I　did　not　expect；'　she　began　at　the　same　time；　chiming　in

with　the　tone　of　the　other。



〃But　neither　he　nor　she　finished　their　remarks。　　The　same　rage

that　I　had　felt　the　previous　week　took　possession　of　me。　　I　felt

the　need　of　giving　free　course　to　my　violence　and　'the　joy　of

wrath。'



〃No；　they　did　not　finish。　　That　other　thing　was　going　to　begin；

of　which　h