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第21章

01-the kreutzer sonata-第21章

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believed in their reality; forgetting that they had no serious

foundation。  The vivacity of these images seemed to prove to me

that my imaginations were a reality。  One would have said that a

demon; against my will; was inventing and breathing into me the

most terrible fictions。  A conversation which dated a long time

back; with the brother of Troukhatchevsky; I remembered at that

moment; in a sort of ecstasy; and it tore my heart as I connected

it with the musician and my wife。  Yes; it was very long ago。 

The brother of Troukhatchevsky; answering my questions as to

whether he frequented disreputable houses; said that a

respectable man does not go where he may contract a disease; in a

low and unclean spot; when one can find an honest woman。  And

here he; his brother; the musician; had found the honest woman。 

'It is true that she is no longer in her early youth。  She has

lost a tooth on one side; and her face is slightly bloated;'

thought I for Troukhatchevsky。  'But what is to be done?  One

must profit by what one has。'



〃'Yes; he is bound to take her for his mistress;' said I to

myself again; 'and besides; she is not dangerous。'



〃'No; it is not possible' I rejoined in fright。 'Nothing; nothing

of the kind has happened; and there is no reason to suppose there

has。  Did she not tell me that the very idea that I could be

jealous of her because of him was humiliating to her?'  'Yes; but

she lied;' I cried; and all began over again。



〃There were only two travellers in my compartment: an old woman

with her husband; neither of them very talkative; and even they

got out at one of the stations; leaving me all alone。  I was like

a beast in a cage。  Now I jumped up and approached the window;

now I began to walk back and forth; staggering as if I hoped to

make the train go faster by my efforts; and the car with its

seats and its windows trembled continually; as ours does

now。〃



And Posdnicheff rose abruptly; took a few steps; and sat down

again。



〃Oh; I am afraid; I am afraid of railway carriages。  Fear seizes

me。  I sat down again; and I said to myself: 'I must think of

something else。  For instance; of the inn keeper at whose house I

took tea。'  And then; in my imagination arose the dvornik; with

his long beard; and his grandson; a little fellow of the same age

as my little Basile。  My little Basile!  My little Basile! He

will see the musician kiss his mother!  What thoughts will pass

through his poor soul!  But what does that matter to her!  She

loves。



〃And again it all began; the circle of the same thoughts。  I

suffered so much that at last I did not know what to do with

myself; and an idea passed through my head that pleased me much;

to get out upon the rails; throw myself under the cars; and

thus finish everything。  One thing prevented me from doing so。 

It was pity!  It was pity for myself; evoking at the same time a

hatred for her; for him; but not so much for him。  Toward him I

felt a strange sentiment of my humiliation and his victory; but

toward her a terrible hatred。



〃'But I cannot kill myself and leave her free。  She must suffer;

she must understand at least that I have suffered;' said I to

myself。



〃At a station I saw people drinking at the lunch counter; and

directly I went to swallow a glass of vodki。  Beside me stood a

Jew; drinking also。  He began to talk to me; and I; in order not

to be left alone in my compartment; went with him into his

third…class; dirty; full of smoke; and covered with peelings and

sunflower seeds。  There I sat down beside the Jew; and; as it

seemed; he told many anecdotes。



〃First I listened to him; but I did not understand what he said。 

He noticed it; and exacted my attention to his person。  Then I

rose and entered my own compartment。



〃'I must consider;' said I to myself; 'whether what I think is

true; whether there is any reason to torment myself。'  I sat

down; wishing to reflect quietly; but directly; instead of the

peaceful reflections; the same thing began again。  Instead of the

reasoning; the pictures。



〃'How many times have I tormented myself in this way;' I thought

(I recalled previous and similar fits of jealousy); 'and then

seen it end in nothing at all?  It is the same now。  Perhaps;

yes; surely; I shall find her quietly sleeping。  She will awaken;

she will be glad; and in her words and looks I shall see that

nothing has happened; that all this is vain。  Ah; if it would

only so turn out!'  'But no; that has happened too often! Now the

end has come;' a voice said to me。



〃And again it all began。  Ah; what torture! It is not to a

hospital filled with syphilitic patients that I would take a

young man to deprive him of the desire for women; but into my

soul; to show him the demon which tore it。  The frightful part

was that I recognized in myself an indisputable right to the body

of my wife; as if her body were entirely mine。  And at the same

time I felt that I could not possess this body; that it was not

mine; that she could do with it as she liked; and that she liked

to do with it as I did not like。  And I was powerless against him

and against her。  He; like the Vanka of the song; would sing;

before mounting the gallows; how he would kiss her sweet lips;

etc。; and he would even have the best of it before death。  With

her it was still worse。  If she HAD NOT DONE IT; she had the

desire; she wished to do it; and I knew that she did。  That was

worse yet。  It would be better if she had already done it; to

relieve me of my uncertainty。



〃In short; I could not say what I desired。  I desired that she

might not want what she MUST want。  It was complete madness。



 

CHAPTER XXVI。



〃At the station before the last; when the conductor came to take

the tickets; I took my baggage and went out on the car platform;

and the consciousness that the climax was near at hand only added

to my agitation。  I was cold; my jaw trembled so that my teeth

chattered。  Mechanically I left the station with the crowd; I

took a tchik; and I started。  I looked at the few people passing

in the streets and at the dvorniks。  I read the signs; without

thinking of anything。 After going half a verst my feet began to

feel cold; and I remembered that in the car I had taken off my

woollen socks; and had put them in my travelling bag。  Where had

I put the bag?  Was it with me?  Yes; and the basket?



〃I bethought myself that I had totally forgotten my baggage。  I

took out my check; and then decided it was not worth while to

return。  I continued on my way。  In spite of all my efforts to

remember; I cannot at this moment make out why I was in such a

hurry。  I know only that I was conscious that a serious and

menacing event was approaching in my life。  It was a case of real

auto…suggestion。  Was it so serious because I thought it so?  Or

had I a presentiment?  I do not know。  Perhaps; too; after what

has happened; all previous events have taken on a lugubrious tint

in my memory。



〃I arrived at the steps。  It was an hour past midnight。  A few

isvotchiks were before the door; awaiting customers; attracted by

the lighted windows (the lighted windows were those of our parlor

and reception room)。  Without trying to account for this late

illumination; I went up the steps; always with the same

expectation of something terrible; and I rang。  The servant; a

good; industrious; and very stupid being; named Gregor; opened

the door。  The first thing that leaped to my eyes in the hall; on

the hat…stand; among other garments; was an overcoat。  I ought to

have been astonished; but I was not astonished。  I expected it。 

'That's it!' I said to myself。



〃When I had asked Gregor who was there; and he had named

Troukhatchevsky; I inquired whether there were other visitors。 

He answered: 'Nobody。'  I remember the air with which he said

that; with a tone that was intended to give me pleasure; and

dissipate my doubt

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