01-the kreutzer sonata-第21章

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believed　in　their　reality；　forgetting　that　they　had　no　serious

foundation。　　The　vivacity　of　these　images　seemed　to　prove　to　me

that　my　imaginations　were　a　reality。　　One　would　have　said　that　a

demon；　against　my　will；　was　inventing　and　breathing　into　me　the

most　terrible　fictions。　　A　conversation　which　dated　a　long　time

back；　with　the　brother　of　Troukhatchevsky；　I　remembered　at　that

moment；　in　a　sort　of　ecstasy；　and　it　tore　my　heart　as　I　connected

it　with　the　musician　and　my　wife。　　Yes；　it　was　very　long　ago。　

The　brother　of　Troukhatchevsky；　answering　my　questions　as　to

whether　he　frequented　disreputable　houses；　said　that　a

respectable　man　does　not　go　where　he　may　contract　a　disease；　in　a

low　and　unclean　spot；　when　one　can　find　an　honest　woman。　　And

here　he；　his　brother；　the　musician；　had　found　the　honest　woman。　

'It　is　true　that　she　is　no　longer　in　her　early　youth。　　She　has

lost　a　tooth　on　one　side；　and　her　face　is　slightly　bloated；'

thought　I　for　Troukhatchevsky。　　'But　what　is　to　be　done？　　One

must　profit　by　what　one　has。'



〃'Yes；　he　is　bound　to　take　her　for　his　mistress；'　said　I　to

myself　again；　'and　besides；　she　is　not　dangerous。'



〃'No；　it　is　not　possible'　I　rejoined　in　fright。　'Nothing；　nothing

of　the　kind　has　happened；　and　there　is　no　reason　to　suppose　there

has。　　Did　she　not　tell　me　that　the　very　idea　that　I　could　be

jealous　of　her　because　of　him　was　humiliating　to　her？'　　'Yes；　but

she　lied；'　I　cried；　and　all　began　over　again。



〃There　were　only　two　travellers　in　my　compartment：　an　old　woman

with　her　husband；　neither　of　them　very　talkative；　and　even　they

got　out　at　one　of　the　stations；　leaving　me　all　alone。　　I　was　like

a　beast　in　a　cage。　　Now　I　jumped　up　and　approached　the　window；

now　I　began　to　walk　back　and　forth；　staggering　as　if　I　hoped　to

make　the　train　go　faster　by　my　efforts；　and　the　car　with　its

seats　and　its　windows　trembled　continually；　as　ours　does

now。〃



And　Posdnicheff　rose　abruptly；　took　a　few　steps；　and　sat　down

again。



〃Oh；　I　am　afraid；　I　am　afraid　of　railway　carriages。　　Fear　seizes

me。　　I　sat　down　again；　and　I　said　to　myself：　'I　must　think　of

something　else。　　For　instance；　of　the　inn　keeper　at　whose　house　I

took　tea。'　　And　then；　in　my　imagination　arose　the　dvornik；　with

his　long　beard；　and　his　grandson；　a　little　fellow　of　the　same　age

as　my　little　Basile。　　My　little　Basile！　　My　little　Basile！　He

will　see　the　musician　kiss　his　mother！　　What　thoughts　will　pass

through　his　poor　soul！　　But　what　does　that　matter　to　her！　　She

loves。



〃And　again　it　all　began；　the　circle　of　the　same　thoughts。　　I

suffered　so　much　that　at　last　I　did　not　know　what　to　do　with

myself；　and　an　idea　passed　through　my　head　that　pleased　me　much；

to　get　out　upon　the　rails；　throw　myself　under　the　cars；　and

thus　finish　everything。　　One　thing　prevented　me　from　doing　so。　

It　was　pity！　　It　was　pity　for　myself；　evoking　at　the　same　time　a

hatred　for　her；　for　him；　but　not　so　much　for　him。　　Toward　him　I

felt　a　strange　sentiment　of　my　humiliation　and　his　victory；　but

toward　her　a　terrible　hatred。



〃'But　I　cannot　kill　myself　and　leave　her　free。　　She　must　suffer；

she　must　understand　at　least　that　I　have　suffered；'　said　I　to

myself。



〃At　a　station　I　saw　people　drinking　at　the　lunch　counter；　and

directly　I　went　to　swallow　a　glass　of　vodki。　　Beside　me　stood　a

Jew；　drinking　also。　　He　began　to　talk　to　me；　and　I；　in　order　not

to　be　left　alone　in　my　compartment；　went　with　him　into　his

third…class；　dirty；　full　of　smoke；　and　covered　with　peelings　and

sunflower　seeds。　　There　I　sat　down　beside　the　Jew；　and；　as　it

seemed；　he　told　many　anecdotes。



〃First　I　listened　to　him；　but　I　did　not　understand　what　he　said。　

He　noticed　it；　and　exacted　my　attention　to　his　person。　　Then　I

rose　and　entered　my　own　compartment。



〃'I　must　consider；'　said　I　to　myself；　'whether　what　I　think　is

true；　whether　there　is　any　reason　to　torment　myself。'　　I　sat

down；　wishing　to　reflect　quietly；　but　directly；　instead　of　the

peaceful　reflections；　the　same　thing　began　again。　　Instead　of　the

reasoning；　the　pictures。



〃'How　many　times　have　I　tormented　myself　in　this　way；'　I　thought

（I　recalled　previous　and　similar　fits　of　jealousy）；　'and　then

seen　it　end　in　nothing　at　all？　　It　is　the　same　now。　　Perhaps；

yes；　surely；　I　shall　find　her　quietly　sleeping。　　She　will　awaken；

she　will　be　glad；　and　in　her　words　and　looks　I　shall　see　that

nothing　has　happened；　that　all　this　is　vain。　　Ah；　if　it　would

only　so　turn　out！'　　'But　no；　that　has　happened　too　often！　Now　the

end　has　come；'　a　voice　said　to　me。



〃And　again　it　all　began。　　Ah；　what　torture！　It　is　not　to　a

hospital　filled　with　syphilitic　patients　that　I　would　take　a

young　man　to　deprive　him　of　the　desire　for　women；　but　into　my

soul；　to　show　him　the　demon　which　tore　it。　　The　frightful　part

was　that　I　recognized　in　myself　an　indisputable　right　to　the　body

of　my　wife；　as　if　her　body　were　entirely　mine。　　And　at　the　same

time　I　felt　that　I　could　not　possess　this　body；　that　it　was　not

mine；　that　she　could　do　with　it　as　she　liked；　and　that　she　liked

to　do　with　it　as　I　did　not　like。　　And　I　was　powerless　against　him

and　against　her。　　He；　like　the　Vanka　of　the　song；　would　sing；

before　mounting　the　gallows；　how　he　would　kiss　her　sweet　lips；

etc。；　and　he　would　even　have　the　best　of　it　before　death。　　With

her　it　was　still　worse。　　If　she　HAD　NOT　DONE　IT；　she　had　the

desire；　she　wished　to　do　it；　and　I　knew　that　she　did。　　That　was

worse　yet。　　It　would　be　better　if　she　had　already　done　it；　to

relieve　me　of　my　uncertainty。



〃In　short；　I　could　not　say　what　I　desired。　　I　desired　that　she

might　not　want　what　she　MUST　want。　　It　was　complete　madness。



　

CHAPTER　XXVI。



〃At　the　station　before　the　last；　when　the　conductor　came　to　take

the　tickets；　I　took　my　baggage　and　went　out　on　the　car　platform；

and　the　consciousness　that　the　climax　was　near　at　hand　only　added

to　my　agitation。　　I　was　cold；　my　jaw　trembled　so　that　my　teeth

chattered。　　Mechanically　I　left　the　station　with　the　crowd；　I

took　a　tchik；　and　I　started。　　I　looked　at　the　few　people　passing

in　the　streets　and　at　the　dvorniks。　　I　read　the　signs；　without

thinking　of　anything。　After　going　half　a　verst　my　feet　began　to

feel　cold；　and　I　remembered　that　in　the　car　I　had　taken　off　my

woollen　socks；　and　had　put　them　in　my　travelling　bag。　　Where　had

I　put　the　bag？　　Was　it　with　me？　　Yes；　and　the　basket？



〃I　bethought　myself　that　I　had　totally　forgotten　my　baggage。　　I

took　out　my　check；　and　then　decided　it　was　not　worth　while　to

return。　　I　continued　on　my　way。　　In　spite　of　all　my　efforts　to

remember；　I　cannot　at　this　moment　make　out　why　I　was　in　such　a

hurry。　　I　know　only　that　I　was　conscious　that　a　serious　and

menacing　event　was　approaching　in　my　life。　　It　was　a　case　of　real

auto…suggestion。　　Was　it　so　serious　because　I　thought　it　so？　　Or

had　I　a　presentiment？　　I　do　not　know。　　Perhaps；　too；　after　what

has　happened；　all　previous　events　have　taken　on　a　lugubrious　tint

in　my　memory。



〃I　arrived　at　the　steps。　　It　was　an　hour　past　midnight。　　A　few

isvotchiks　were　before　the　door；　awaiting　customers；　attracted　by

the　lighted　windows　（the　lighted　windows　were　those　of　our　parlor

and　reception　room）。　　Without　trying　to　account　for　this　late

illumination；　I　went　up　the　steps；　always　with　the　same

expectation　of　something　terrible；　and　I　rang。　　The　servant；　a

good；　industrious；　and　very　stupid　being；　named　Gregor；　opened

the　door。　　The　first　thing　that　leaped　to　my　eyes　in　the　hall；　on

the　hat…stand；　among　other　garments；　was　an　overcoat。　　I　ought　to

have　been　astonished；　but　I　was　not　astonished。　　I　expected　it。　

'That's　it！'　I　said　to　myself。



〃When　I　had　asked　Gregor　who　was　there；　and　he　had　named

Troukhatchevsky；　I　inquired　whether　there　were　other　visitors。　

He　answered：　'Nobody。'　　I　remember　the　air　with　which　he　said

that；　with　a　tone　that　was　intended　to　give　me　pleasure；　and

dissipate　my　doubt