01-the kreutzer sonata-第20章

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parting　seemed　to　me　very　natural　and　proper。　　All　went

marvellously。　　My　wife　and　I　retired；　well　satisfied　with　the

evening。　　We　talked　of　our　impressions　in　a　general　way；　and　we

were　nearer　together　and　more　friendly　than　we　had　been　for　a

long　time。



　

CHAPTER　XXIV。



〃Two　days　later　I　started　for　the　assembly；　having　bid　farewell

to　my　wife　in　an　excellent　and　tranquil　state　of　mind。　　In　the

district　there　was　always　much　to　be　done。　　It　was　a　world　and　a

life　apart。　　During　two　days　I　spent　ten　hours　at　the　sessions。　

The　evening　of　the　second　day；　on　returning　to　my　district

lodgings；　I　found　a　letter　from　my　wife；　telling　me　of　the

children；　of　their　uncle；　of　the　servants；　and；　among　other

things；　as　if　it　were　perfectly　natural；　that　Troukhatchevsky　had

been　at　the　house；　and　had　brought　her　the　promised　scores。　　He

had　also　proposed　that　they　play　again；　but　she　had　refused。



〃For　my　part；　I　did　not　remember　at　all　that　he　had　promised　any

score。　　It　had　seemed　to　me　on　Sunday　evening　that　he　took　a

definite　leave；　and　for　this　reason　the　news　gave　me　a

disagreeable　surprise。　　I　read　the　letter　again。　There　was

something　tender　and　timid　about　it。　It　produced　an　extremely

painful　impression　upon　me。　　My　heart　swelled；　and　the　mad　beast

of　jealousy　began　to　roar　in　his　lair；　and　seemed　to　want　to　leap

upon　his　prey。　　But　I　was　afraid　of　this　beast；　and　I　imposed

silence　upon　it。



〃What　an　abominable　sentiment　is　jealousy！　'What　could　be　more

natural　than　what　she　has　written？'　said　I　to　myself。　　I　went　to

bed；　thinking　myself　tranquil　again。　　I　thought　of　the　business

that　remained　to　be　done；　and　I　went　to　sleep　without　thinking　of

her。



〃During　these　assemblies　of　the　Zemstvo　I　always　slept　badly　in

my　strange　quarters。　　That　night　I　went　to　sleep　directly；　but；

as　sometimes　happens；　a　sort　of　sudden　shock　awoke　me。　　I　thought

immediately　of　her；　of　my　physical　love　for　her；　of

Troukhatchevsky；　and　that　between　them　everything　had　happened。　

And　a　feeling　of　rage　compressed　my　heart；　and　I　tried　to　quiet

myself。



〃'How　stupid！'　said　I　to　myself；　'there　is　no　reason；　none　at

all。　　And　why　humiliate　ourselves；　herself　and　myself；　and

especially　myself；　by　supposing　such　horrors？　　This　mercenary

violinist；　known　as　a　bad　man；shall　I　think　of　him　in

connection　with　a　respectable　woman；　the　mother　of　a　family；　MY

wife？　　How　silly！'　　But　on　the　other　hand；　I　said　to　myself：　'Why

should　it　not　happen？'



〃Why？　　Was　it　not　the　same　simple　and　intelligible　feeling　in　the

name　of　which　I　married；　in　the　name　of　which　I　was　living　with

her；　the　only　thing　I　wanted　of　her；　and　that　which；

consequently；　others　desired；　this　musician　among　the　rest？　　He

was　not　married；　was　in　good　health　（I　remember　how　his　teeth

ground　the　gristle　of　the　cutlets；　and　how　eagerly　he　emptied　the

glass　of　wine　with　his　red　lips）；　was　careful　of　his　person；　well

fed；　　and　not　only　without　principles；　but　evidently　with　the

principle　that　one　should　take　advantage　of　the　pleasure　that

offers　itself。　　There　was　a　bond　between　them；　music；the　most

refined　form　of　sensual　voluptuousness。　　What　was　there　to

restrain　them？　　Nothing。　　Everything；　on　the　contrary；　attracted

them。　　And　she；　she　had　been　and　had　remained　a　mystery。　I　did

not　know　her。　　I　knew　her　only　as　an　animal；　and　an　animal

nothing　can　or　should　restrain。　　And　now　I　remember　their　faces

on　Sunday　evening；　when；　after　the　'Kreutzer　Sonata；'　they　played

a　passionate　piece；　written　I　know　not　by　whom；　but　a　piece

passionate　to　the　point　of　obscenity。



〃'How　could　I　have　gone　away？'　said　I　to　myself；　as　I　recalled

their　faces。　　'Was　it　not　clear　that　between　them　everything　was

done　that　evening？　　Was　it　not　clear　that　between　them　not　only

there　were　no　more　obstacles；　but　that　bothespecially　shefelt

a　certain　shame　after　what　had　happened　at　the　piano？　　How

weakly；　pitiably；　happily　she　smiled；　as　she　wiped　the

perspiration　from　her　reddened　face！　　They　already　avoided　each

other's　eyes；　and　only　at　the　supper；　when　she　poured　some　water

for　him；　did　they　look　at　each　other　and　smile　imperceptibly。'



〃Now　I　remember　with　fright　that　look　and　that　scarcely

perceptible　smile。　　'Yes；　everything　has　happened；'　a　voice　said

to　me；　and　directly　another　said　the　opposite。　　'Are　you　mad？　　It

is　impossible！'　said　the　second　voice。



〃It　was　too　painful　to　me　to　remain　thus　stretched　in　the

darkness。　　I　struck　a　match；　and　the　little　yellow…papered　room

frightened　me。　I　lighted　a　cigarette；　and；　as　always　happens；

when　one　turns　in　a　circle　of　inextricable　contradiction；　I　began

to　smoke。　　I　smoked　cigarette　after　cigarette　to　dull　my　senses；

that　I　might　not　see　my　contradictions。　　All　night　I　did　not

sleep；　and　at　five　o'clock；　when　it　was　not　yet　light；　I　decided

that　I　could　stand　this　strain　no　longer；　and　that　I　would　leave

directly。　　There　was　a　train　at　eight　o'clock。　　I　awakened　the

keeper　who　was　acting　as　my　servant；　and　sent　him　to　look　for

horses。　　To　the　assembly　of　Zemstvo　I　sent　a　message　that　I　was

called　back　to　Moscow　by　pressing　business；　and　that　I　begged

them　to　substitute　for　me　a　member　of　the　Committee。　　At　eight

o'clock　I　got　into　a　tarantass　and　started　off。



　

CHAPTER　XXV。



〃I　had　to　go　twenty…five　versts　by　carriage　and　eight　hours　by

train。　　By　carriage　it　was　a　very　pleasant　journey。　　The　coolness

of　autumn　was　accompanied　by　a　brilliant　sun。　　You　know　the

weather　when　the　wheels　imprint　themselves　upon　the　dirty　road。　

The　road　was　level；　and　the　light　strong；　and　the　air　

strengthening。　　The　tarantass　was　comfortable。　　As　I　looked　at

the　horses；　the　fields；　and　the　people　whom　we　passed；　I　forgot

where　I　was　going。　　Sometimes　it　seemed　to　me　that　I　was

travelling　without　an　object；simply　promenading；and　that　I

should　go　on　thus　to　the　end　of　the　world。　　And　I　was　happy　when

I　so　forgot　myself。　　But　when　I　remembered　where　I　was　going；　I

said　to　myself：　'I　shall　see　later。　　Don't　think　about　it。'



〃When　half　way；　an　incident　happened　to　distract　me　still

further。　　The　tarantass；　though　new；　broke　down；　and　had　to　be

repaired。　　The　delays　in　looking　for　a　telegue；　the　repairs；　the

payment；　the　tea　in　the　inn；　the　conversation　with　the　dvornik；

all　served　to　amuse　me。　　Toward　nightfall　all　was　ready；　and　I

started　off　again。　　By　night　the　journey　was　still　pleasanter

than　by　day。　　The　moon　in　its　first　quarter；　a　slight　frost；　the

road　still　in　good　condition；　the　horses；　the　sprightly　coachman；

all　served　to　put　me　in　good　spirits。　　I　scarcely　thought　of　what

awaited　me；　and　was　gay　perhaps　because　of　the　very　thing　that

awaited　me；　and　because　I　was　about　to　say　farewell　to　the　joys

of　life。



〃But　this　tranquil　state；　the　power　of　conquering　my

preoccupation；　all　ended　with　the　carriage　drive。　　Scarcely　had

I　entered　the　cars；　when　the　other　thing　began。　　Those　eight

hours　on　the　rail　were　so　terrible　to　me　that　I　shall　never

forget　them　in　my　life。　　Was　it　because　on　entering　the　car　I　had

a　vivid　imagination　of　having　already　arrived；　or　because　the

railway　acts　upon　people　in　such　an　exciting　fashion？　　At　any

rate；　after　boarding　the　train　I　could　no　longer　control　my

imagination；　which　incessantly；　with　extraordinary　vivacity；　drew

pictures　before　my　eyes；　each　more　cynical　than　its　predecessor；

which　kindled　my　jealousy。　　And　always　the　same　things　about　what

was　happening　at　home　during　my　absence。　　I　burned　with

indignation；　with　rage；　and　with　a　peculiar　feeling　which　steeped

me　in　humiliation；　as　I　contemplated　these　pictures。　　And　I　could

not　tear　myself　out　of　this　condition。　　I　could　not　help　looking

at　them；　I　could　not　efface　them；　I　could　not　keep　from　evoking

them。



〃The　more　I　looked　at　these　imaginary　pictures；　the　more　I

believed　in　their　reality；　forgetting　that　they　had　no　serious

foundation。　　The　vivacity　of　th