01-the kreutzer sonata-第18章

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And　as　he　spoke；　he　looked　at　me。　　It　was　all　so　natural；　so

simple；　that　there　was　absolutely　nothing　to　be　said　against　it。　

And　at　the　same　time　I　saw；　I　was　sure；　that　it　was　false；　that

they　were　in　a　conspiracy　to　deceive　me。



〃One　of　the　most　torturing　situations　for　the　jealous　（and　in　our

social　life　everybody　is　jealous）　are　those　social　conditions

which　allow　a　very　great　and　dangerous　intimacy　between　a　man　and

a　woman　under　certain　pretexts。　　One　must　make　himself　the

laughing　stock　of　everybody；　if　he　desires　to　prevent

associations　in　the　ball…room；　the　intimacy　of　doctors　with　their

patients；　the　familiarity　of　art　occupations；　and　especially　of

music。　　In　order　that　people　may　occupy　themselves　together　with

the　noblest　art；　music；　a　certain　intimacy　is　necessary；　in　which

there　is　nothing　blameworthy。　　Only　a　jealous　fool　of　a　husband

can　have　anything　to　say　against　it。　　A　husband　should　not　have

such　thoughts；　and　especially　should　not　thrust　his　nose　into

these　affairs；　or　prevent　them。　　And　yet；　everybody　knows　that

precisely　in　these　occupations；　especially　in　music；　many

adulteries　originate　in　our　society。



〃I　had　evidently　embarrassed　them；　because　for　some　time　I　was

unable　to　say　anything。　　I　was　like　a　bottle　suddenly　turned

upside　down；　from　which　the　water　does　not　run　because　it　is　too

full。　　I　wanted　to　insult　the　man；　and　to　drive　him　away；　but　I

could　do　nothing　of　the　kind。　　On　the　contrary；　I　felt　that　I　was

disturbing　them；　and　that　it　was　my　fault。　　I　made　a　presence　of

approving　everything；　this　time　also；　thanks　to　that　strange

feeling　that　forced　me　to　treat　him　the　more　amiably　in

proportion　as　his　presence　was　more　painful　to　me。　　I　said　that　I

trusted　to　his　taste；　and　I　advised　my　wife　to　do　the　same。　　He

remained　just　as　long　as　it　was　necessary　in　order　to　efface　the

unpleasant　impression　of　my　abrupt　entrance　with　a　frightened

face。　　He　went　away　with　an　air　of　satisfaction　at　the

conclusions　arrived　at。　　As　for　me；　I　was　perfectly　sure　that；　in

comparison　with　that　which　preoccupied　them；　the　question　of

music　was　indifferent　to　them。　　I　accompanied　him　with　especial

courtesy　to　the　hall　（how　can　one　help　accompanying　a　man　who　has

come　to　disturb　your　tranquillity　and　ruin　the　happiness　of　the

entire　family？）；　and　I　shook　his　white；　soft　hand　with　fervent

amiability。



　

CHAPTER　XXII。




〃All　that　day　I　did　not　speak　to　my　wife。　　I　could　not。　　Her

proximity　excited　such　hatred　that　I　feared　myself。　　At　the　table

she　asked　me；　in　presence　of　the　children；　when　I　was　to　start

upon　a　journey。　　I　was　to　go　the　following　week　to　an　assembly　of

the　Zemstvo；　in　a　neighboring　locality。　　I　named　the　date。　　She

asked　me　if　I　would　need　anything　for　the　journey。　　I　did　not

answer。　　I　sat　silent　at　the　table；　and　silently　I　retired　to　my

study。　　In　those　last　days　she　never　entered　my　study；　especially

at　that　hour。　　Suddenly　I　heard　her　steps；　her　walk；　and　then　a

terribly　base　idea　entered　my　head　that；　like　the　wife　of　Uri；

she　wished　to　conceal　a　fault　already　committed；　and　that　it　was

for　this　reason　that　she　came　to　see　me　at　this　unseasonable

hour。　　'Is　it　possible；'　thought　I；　'that　she　is　coming　to　see

me？'　　On　hearing　her　step　as　it　approached：　'If　it　is　to　see　me

that　she　is　coming；　then　I　am　right。'



〃An　inexpressible　hatred　invaded　my　soul。　The　steps　drew　nearer；

and　nearer；　and　nearer　yet。　　Would　she　pass　by　and　go　on　to　the

other　room？　　No；　the　hinges　creaked；　and　at　the　door　her　tall；

graceful；　languid　figure　appeared。　　In　her　face；　in　her　eyes；　a

timidity；　an　insinuating　expression；　which　she　tried　to　hide；　but

which　I　saw；　and　of　which　I　understood　the　meaning。　　I　came　near

suffocating；　such　were　my　efforts　to　hold　my　breath；　and；

continuing　to　look　at　her；　I　took　my　cigarette；　and　lighted　it。



〃'What　does　this　mean？　　One　comes　to　talk　with　you；　and　you　go　to

smoking。'



〃And　she　sat　down　beside　me　on　the　sofa；　resting　against　my

shoulder。　　I　recoiled；　that　I　might　not　touch　her。



〃'I　see　that　you　are　displeased　with　what　I　wish　to　play　on

Sunday；'　said　she。



〃'I　am　not　at　all　displeased；'　said　I。



〃'Can　I　not　see？'



〃'Well；　I　congratulate　you　on　your　clairvoyance。　　Only　to　you

every　baseness　is　agreeable；　and　I　abhor　it。'



〃'If　you　are　going　to　swear　like　a　trooper；　I　am　going　away。'



〃'Then　go　away。　　Only　know　that；　if　the　honor　of　the　family　is

nothing　to　you；　to　me　it　is　dear。　　As　for　you；　the　devil　take

you！'



〃'What！　　What　is　the　matter？'



〃'Go　away；　in　the　name　of　God。'



〃But　she　did　not　go　away。　　Was　she　pretending　not　to　understand；

or　did　she　really　not　understand　what　I　meant？　　But　she　was

offended　and　became　angry。



〃'You　have　become　absolutely　impossible；'　she　began；　or　some　such

phrase　as　that　regarding　my　character；　trying；　as　usual；　to　give

me　as　much　pain　as　possible。　　'After　what　you　have　done　to　my

sister　（she　referred　to　an　incident　with　her　sister；　in　which；

beside　myself；　I　had　uttered　brutalities；　she　knew　that　that

tortured　me；　and　tried　to　touch　me　in　that　tender　spot）　nothing

will　astonish　me。'



〃'Yes；　offended；　humiliated；　and　dishonored；　and　after　that　to

hold　me　still　responsible；'　thought　I；　and　suddenly　a　rage；　such

a　hatred　invaded　me　as　I　do　not　remember　to　have　ever　felt

before。　　For　the　first　time　I　desired　to　express　this　hatred

physically。　　I　leaped　upon　her；　but　at　the　same　moment　I

understood　my　condition；　and　I　asked　myself　whether　it　would　be

well　for　me　to　abandon　myself　to　my　fury。　　And　I　answered　myself

that　it　would　be　well；　that　it　would　frighten　her；　and；　instead

of　resisting；　I　lashed　and　spurred　myself　on；　and　was　glad　to

feel　my　anger　boiling　more　and　more　fiercely。



〃'Go　away；　or　I　will　kill　you！'　I　cried；　purposely；　with　a

frightful　voice；　and　I　grasped　her　by　the　arm。　　She　did　not　go

away。　　Then　I　twisted　her　arm；　and　pushed　her　away　violently。



〃'What　is　the　matter　with　you？　　Come　to　your　senses！'　she

shrieked。



〃'Go　away；'　roared　I；　louder　than　ever；　rolling　my　eyes　wildly。　

'It　takes　you　to　put　me　in　such　a　fury。　　I　do　not　answer　for

myself！　　Go　away！'



〃In　abandoning　myself　to　my　anger；　I　became　steeped　in　it；　and　I

wanted　to　commit　some　violent　act　to　show　the　force　of　my　fury。　

I　felt　a　terrible　desire　to　beat　her；　to　kill　her；　but　I　realized

that　that　could　not　be；　and　I　restrained　myself。　　I　drew　back

from　her；　rushed　to　the　table；　grasped　the　paper…weight；　and

threw　it　on　the　floor　by　her　side。　　I　took　care　to　aim　a　little

to　one　side；　and；　before　she　disappeared　（I　did　it　so　that　she

could　see　it）；　I　grasped　a　candlestick；　which　I　also　hurled；　and

then　took　down　the　barometer；　continuing　to　shout：



〃'Go　away！　　I　do　not　answer　for　myself！'



〃She　disappeared；　and　I　immediately　ceased　my　demonstrations。　　An

hour　later　the　old　servant　came　to　me　and　said　that　my　wife　was

in　a　fit　of　hysterics。　　I　went　to　see　her。　　She　sobbed　and

laughed；　incapable　of　expressing　anything；　her　whole　body　in　a

tremble。　　She　was　not　shamming；　she　was　really　sick。　　We　sent　for

the　doctor；　and　all　night　long　I　cared　for　her。　　Toward　daylight

she　grew　calmer；　and　we　became　reconciled　under　the　influence　of

that　feeling　which　we　called　'love。'　　The　next　morning；　when；

after　the　reconciliation；　I　confessed　to　her　that　I　was　jealous

of　Troukhatchevsky；　she　was　not　at　all　embarrassed；　and　began　to

laugh　in　the　most　natural　way；　so　strange　did　the　possibility　of

being　led　astray　by　such　a　man　appear　to　her。



　〃'With　such　a　man　can　an　honest　woman　entertain　any　feeling

beyond　the　pleasure　of　enjoying　music　with　him？　　But　if　you　like；

I　am　ready　to　never　see　him　again；　even　on　Sunday；　although

everybody　has　been　invited。　　Write　him　that　I　am　indisposed；　and

that　will　end　the　matter。　　Only　one　thing　annoys　me；that　any

one　could　have　thought　him　dangerous。　　I　am　too　proud　not　to