01-the kreutzer sonata-第16章

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to　hold　her　back　to　finish　my　insults。　　I　grasped　her　by　the　arm；

and　hurt　her。　　She　cried：　'Children；　your　father　is　beating　me。'　

I　cried：　'Don't　lie。'　　She　continued　to　utter　falsehoods　for　the

simple　purpose　of　irritating　me　further。　　'Ah；　it　is　not　the

first　time；'　or　something　of　that　sort。　　The　children　rushed

toward　her　and　tried　to　quiet　her。　　I　said：　'Don't　sham。'　　She

said：　'You　look　upon　everything　as　a　sham。　　You　would　kill　a

person　and　say　he　was　shamming。　　Now　I　understand　you。　　That　is

what　you　want　to　do。'　　'Oh；　if　you　were　only　dead！'　I　cried。



〃I　remember　how　that　terrible　phrase　frightened　me。　　Never　had　I

thought　that　I　could　utter　words　so　brutal；　so　frightful；　and　I

was　stupefied　at　what　had　just　escaped　my　lips。　　I　fled　into　my

private　apartment。　　I　sat　down　and　began　to　smoke。　　I　heard　her

go　into　the　hall　and　prepare　to　go　out。　　I　asked　her：　'Where　are

you　going？　　She　did　not　answer。　　'Well；　may　the　devil　take　you！'

said　I　to　myself；　going　back　into　my　private　room；　where　I　lay

down　again　and　began　smoking　afresh。　　Thousands　of　plans　of

vengeance；　of　ways　of　getting　rid　of　her；　and　how　to　arrange

this；　and　act　as　if　nothing　had　happened；all　this　passed

through　my　head。　　I　thought　of　these　things；　and　I　smoked；　and

smoked；　and　smoked。　　I　thought　of　running　away；　of　making　my

escape；　of　going　to　America。　　I　went　so　far　as　to　dream　how

beautiful　it　would　be；　after　getting　rid　of　her；　to　love　another

woman；　entirely　different　from　her。　　I　should　be　rid　of　her　if

she　should　die　or　if　I　should　get　a　divorce；　and　I　tried　to　think

how　that　could　be　managed。　　I　saw　that　I　was　getting　confused；

but；　in　order　not　to　see　that　I　was　not　thinking　rightly；　I　kept

on　smoking。



〃And　the　life　of　the　house　went　on　as　usual。　The　children's

teacher　came　and　asked：　'Where　is　Madame？　　When　will　she　return？'



The　servants　asked　if　they　should　serve　the　tea。　　I　entered　the

dining…room。　　The　children；　Lise；　the　eldest　girl；　looked　at　me

with　fright；　as　if　to　question　me；　and　she　did　not　come。　　The

whole　evening　passed；　and　still　she　did　not　come。　　Two　sentiments

kept　succeeding　each　other　in　my　soul；hatred　of　her；　since　she

tortured　myself　and　the　children　by　her　absence；　but　would

finally　return　just　the　same；　and　fear　lest　she　might　return　and

make　some　attempt　upon　herself。　But　where　should　I　look　for　her？　

At　her　sister's？　　It　seemed　so　stupid　to　go　to　ask　where　one's

wife　is。　　Moreover；　may　God　forbid；　I　hoped；　that　she　should　be

at　her　sister's！　　If　she　wishes　to　torment　any　one；　let　her

torment　herself　first。　　And　suppose　she　were　not　at　her　sister's。



Suppose　she　were　to　do；　or　had　already　done；　something。



〃Eleven　o'clock；　midnight；　one　o'clock。　。　。　。　I　did　not　sleep。　　I

did　not　go　to　my　chamber。　　It　is　stupid　to　lie　stretched　out　all

alone；　and　to　wait。　　But　in　my　study　I　did　not　rest。　　I　tried　to

busy　myself；　to　write　letters；　to　read。　　Impossible！　　I　was

alone；　tortured；　wicked；　and　I　listened。　　Toward　daylight　I　went

to　sleep。　　I　awoke。　　She　had　not　returned。　　Everything　in　the

house　went　on　as　usual；　and　all　looked　at　me　in　astonishment；

questioningly。　　The　children's　eyes　were　full　of　reproach　for　me。



And　always　the　same　feeling　of　anxiety　about　her；　and　of　hatred

because　of　this　anxiety。



〃Toward　eleven　o'clock　in　the　morning　came　her　sister；　her

ambassadress。　　Then　began　the　usual　phrases：　'She　is　in　a

terrible　state。　　What　is　the　matter？'　　'Why；　nothing　has

happened。'　　I　spoke　of　her　asperity　of　character；　and　I　added

that　I　had　done　nothing；　and　that　I　would　not　take　the　first

step。　　If　she　wants　a　divorce；　so　much　the　better！　　My

sister…in…law　would　not　listen　to　this　idea；　and　went　away

without　having　gained　anything。　　I　was　obstinate；　and　I　said

boldly　and　determinedly；　in　talking　to　her；　that　I　would　not　take

the　first　step。　　Immediately　she　had　gone　I　went　into　the　other

room；　and　saw　the　children　in　a　frightened　and　pitiful　state；　and

there　I　found　myself　already　inclined　to　take　this　first　step。　

But　I　was　bound　by　my　word。　　Again　I　walked　up　and　down；　always

smoking。　　At　breakfast　I　drank　brandy　and　wine；　and　I　reached　the

point　which　I　unconsciously　desired；　the　point　where　I　no　longer

saw　the　stupidity　and　baseness　of　my　situation。



〃Toward　three　o'clock　she　came。　　I　thought　that　she　was　appeased；

or　admitted　her　defeat。　I　began　to　tell　her　that　I　was　provoked

by　her　reproaches。　　She　answered　me；　with　the　same　severe　and

terribly　downcast　face；　that　she　had　not　come　for　explanations；

but　to　take　the　children；　that　we　could　not　live　together。　　I

answered　that　it　was　not　my　fault；　that　she　had　put　me　beside

myself。　　She　looked　at　me　with　a　severe　and　solemn　air；　and　said：

'Say　no　more。　You　will　repent　it。'　　I　said　that　I　could　not

tolerate　comedies。　　Then　she　cried　out　something　that　I　did　not

understand；　and　rushed　toward　her　room。　　The　key　turned　in　the

lock；　and　she　shut　herself　up。　　I　pushed　at　the　door。　　There　was

no　response。　　Furious；　I　went　away。



〃A　half　hour　later　Lise　came　running　all　in　tears。　　'What！　　Has

anything　happened？　　We　cannot　hear　Mamma！'　　We　went　toward　my

wife's　room。　　I　pushed　the　door　with　all　my　might。　　The　bolt　was

scarcely　drawn；　and　the　door　opened。　　In　a　skirt；　with　high

boots；　my　wife　lay　awkwardly　on　the　bed。　　On　the　table　an　empty

opium　phial。　　We　restored　her　to　life。　　Tears　and　then

reconciliation！　　Not　reconciliation；　internally　each　kept　the

hatred　for　the　other；　but　it　was　absolutely　necessary　for　the

moment　to　end　the　scene　in　some　way；　and　life　began　again　as

before。　　These　scenes；　and　even　worse；　came　now　once　a　week；　now

every　month；　now　every　day。　　And　invariably　the　same　incidents。　

Once　I　was　absolutely　resolved　to　fly；　but　through　some

inconceivable　weakness　I　remained。



〃Such　were　the　circumstances　in　which　we　were　living　when　the　MAN

came。　　The　man　was　bad；　it　is　true。　　But　what！　　No　worse　than　we

were。



　　

CHAPTER　XXI。



〃When　we　moved　to　Moscow；　this　gentlemanhis　name　was

Troukhatchevskycame　to　my　house。　　It　was　in　the　morning。　　I


received　him。　　In　former　times　we　had　been　very　familiar。　　He

tried；　by　various　advances；　to　re…establish　the　familiarity；　but

I　was　determined　to　keep　him　at　a　distance；　and　soon　he　gave　it

up。　　He　displeased　me　extremely。　　At　the　first　glance　I　saw　that

he　was　a　filthy　debauche。　　I　was　jealous　of　him；　even　before　he

had　seen　my　wife。　　But；　strange　thing！　some　occult　fatal　power

kept　me　from　repulsing　him　and　sending　him　away；　and；　on　the

contrary；　induced　me　to　suffer　this　approach。　　What　could　have

been　simpler　than　to　talk　with　him　a　few　minutes；　and　then

dismiss　him　coldly　without　introducing　him　to　my　wife？　But　no；　as

if　on　purpose；　I　turned　the　conversation　upon　his　skill　as　a

violinist；　and　he　answered　that；　contrary　to　what　I　had　heard；　he

now　played　the　violin　more　than　formerly。　　He　remembered　that　I

used　to　play。　　I　answered　that　I　had　abandoned　music；　but　that　my

wife　played　very　well。



〃Singular　thing！　　Why；　in　the　important　events　of　our　life；　in

those　in　which　a　man's　fate　is　decided；as　mine　was　decided　in

that　moment；why　in　these　events　is　there　neither　a　past　nor　a

future？　　My　relations　with　Troukhatchevsky　the　first　day；　at　the

first　hour；　were　such　as　they　might　still　have　been　after　all

that　has　happened。　　I　was　conscious　that　some　frightful

misfortune　must　result　from　the　presence　of　this　man；　and；　in

spite　of　that；　I　could　not　help　being　amiable　to　him。　　I

introduced　him　to　my　wife。　　She　was　pleased　with　him。　　In　the

beginning；　I　suppose；　because　of　the　pleasure　of　the　violin

playing；　which　she　adored。　　She　had　even　hired　for　that　purpose　a

violinist　from　the　theatre。　　But　when　she　cast　a　glance　at　me；

she　understood　my　feelings；　and　concealed　her　impression。　　Then

began　the　mutual　trickery　and　deceit。　　I　smiled　agreeably；

pretending　that　all　this　pleased　me　extremely。　　He；　looking　at