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第11章

01-the kreutzer sonata-第11章

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〃Then I get angry with myself。  I desire to leave the room; to

leave them alone; and I do; in fact; go out; but scarcely am I

outside when I am invaded by a fear of what is taking place

within my absence。  I go in again; inventing some pretext。  Or

sometimes I do not go in; I remain near the door; and listen。 

How can she humiliate herself and humiliate me by placing me in

this cowardly situation of suspicion and espionage?  Oh;

abomination!  Oh; the wicked animal!  And he too; what does he

think of you?  But he is like all men。  He is what I was before

my marriage。  It gives him pleasure。  He even smiles when he

looks at me; as much as to say: 'What have you to do with this? 

It is my turn now。'



〃This feeling is horrible。  Its burn is unendurable。  To

entertain this feeling toward any one; to once suspect a man of

lusting after my wife; was enough to spoil this man forever in my

eyes; as if he had been sprinkled with vitriol。 Let me once

become jealous of a being; and nevermore could I re…establish

with him simple human relations; and my eyes flashed when I

looked at him。



〃As for my wife; so many times had I enveloped her with this

moral vitriol; with this jealous hatred; that she was degraded

thereby。  In the periods of this causeless hatred I gradually

uncrowned her。  I covered her with shame in my imagination。



〃I invented impossible knaveries。  I suspected; I am ashamed to

say; that she; this queen of 'The Thousand and One Nights;'

deceived me with my serf; under my very eyes; and laughing at me。



Thus; with each new access of jealousy (I speak always of

causeless jealousy); I entered into the furrow dug formerly by my

filthy suspicions; and I continually deepened it。  She did the

same thing。  If I have reasons to be jealous; she who knew my

past had a thousand times more。  And she was more ill…natured in

her jealousy than I。  And the sufferings that I felt from her

jealousy were different; and likewise very painful。



〃The situation may be described thus。  We are living more or less

tranquilly。  I am even gay and contented。  Suddenly we start a

conversation on some most commonplace subject; and directly she

finds herself disagreeing with me upon matters concerning which

we have been generally in accord。  And furthermore I see that;

without any necessity therefor; she is becoming irritated。  I

think that she has a nervous attack;  or else that the subject of

conversation is really disagreeable to her。  We talk of something

else; and that begins again。  Again she torments me; and becomes

irritated。  I am astonished and look for a reason。  Why?  For

what?  She keeps silence; answers me with monosyllables;

evidently making allusions to something。  I begin to divine that

the reason of all this is that I have taken a few walks in the

garden with her cousin; to whom I did not give even a thought。  I

begin to divine; but I cannot say so。  If I say so; I confirm her

suspicions。  I interrogate her; I question her。  She does not

answer; but she sees that I understand; and that confirms her

suspicions。



〃'What is the matter with you?' I ask。



〃'Nothing; I am as well as usual;' she answers。



〃And at the same time; like a crazy woman; she gives utterance to

the silliest remarks; to the most inexplicable explosions of

spite。



〃Sometimes I am patient; but at other times I break out with

anger。  Then her own irritation is launched forth in a flood of

insults; in charges of imaginary crimes and all carried to the

highest degree by sobs; tears; and retreats through the house to

the most improbable spots。  I go to look for her。  I am ashamed

before people; before the children; but there is nothing to be

done。  She is in a condition where I feel that she is ready for

anything。  I run; and finally find her。  Nights of torture

follow; in which both of us; with exhausted nerves; appease each

other; after the most cruel words and accusations。



〃Yes; jealousy; causeless jealousy; is the condition of our

debauched conjugal life。  And throughout my marriage never did I

cease to feel it and to suffer from it。  There were two periods

in which I suffered most intensely。  The first time was after the

birth of our first child; when the doctors had forbidden my wife

to nurse it。  I was particularly jealous; in the first place;

because my wife felt that restlessness peculiar to animal matter

when the regular course of life is interrupted without occasion。 

But especially was I jealous because; having seen with what

facility she had thrown off her moral duties as a mother; I

concluded rightly; though unconsciously; that she would throw off

as easily her conjugal duties; feeling all the surer of this 

because she was in perfect health; as was shown by the fact that;

in spite of the prohibition of the dear doctors; she nursed her

following children; and even very well。〃



〃I see that you have no love for the doctors;〃 said I; having

noticed Posdnicheff's extraordinarily spiteful expression of face

and tone of voice whenever he spoke of them。



〃It is not a question of loving them or of not loving them。  They

have ruined my life; as they have ruined the lives of thousands

of beings before me; and I cannot help connecting the consequence

with the cause。  I conceive that they desire; like the lawyers

and the rest; to make money。  I would willingly have given them

half of my incomeand any one would have done it in my place;

understanding what they doif they had consented not to meddle

in my conjugal life; and to keep themselves at a distance。  I

have compiled no statistics; but I know scores of casesin

reality; they are innumerablewhere they have killed; now a

child in its mother's womb; asserting positively that the mother

could not give birth to it (when the mother could give birth to

it very well); now mothers; under the pretext of a so…called

operation。  No one has counted these murders; just as no one

counted the murders of the Inquisition; because it was supposed

that they were committed for the benefit of humanity。 

Innumerable are the crimes of the doctors!  But all these crimes

are nothing compared with the materialistic demoralization which

they introduce into the world through women。  I say nothing of

the fact that; if it were to follow their advice;thanks to the

microbe which they see everywhere;humanity; instead of tending

to union; would proceed straight to complete disunion。 

Everybody; according to their doctrine; should isolate himself;

and never remove from his mouth a syringe filled with phenic acid

(moreover; they have found out now that it does no good)。  But I

would pass over all these things。  The supreme poison is the

perversion of people; especially of women。  One can no longer say

now: 'You live badly; live better。' One can no longer say it

either to himself or to others; for; if you live badly (say the

doctors); the cause is in the nervous system or in something

similar; and it is necessary to go to consult them; and they will

prescribe for you thirty…five copecks' worth of remedies to be

bought at the drug…store; and you must swallow them。  Your

condition grows worse?  Again to the doctors; and more remedies! 

An excellent business!



〃But to return to our subject。  I was saying that my wife nursed

her children well; that the nursing and the gestation of the

children; and the children in general; quieted my tortures of

jealousy; but that; on the other hand; they provoked torments of

a different sort。



  

CHAPTER XVI。



〃The children came rapidly; one after another; and there

happened what happens in our society with children and doctors。 

Yes; children; maternal love; it is a painful thing。  Children;

to a woman of our society; are not a joy; a pride; nor a

fulfilment of her vocation; but a cause of fear; anxiety; and

interminable suffering; torture。  Women say it; they think it;

and they feel it too。  Chil

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