villa rubein and other stories-第42章

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left　a　sleeping　draught；　she'll　have　fever　tonight。〃



John　Ford　came　in　at　last。　　Poor　old　man！　　What　it　must　have　cost　him

not　to　go　to　her　for　fear　of　the　excitement！　　How　many　times　in　the

next　few　hours　didn't　I　hear　him　come　to　the　bottom　of　the　stairs；

his　heavy　wheezing；　and　sighing；　and　the　forlorn　tread　of　his　feet

going　back！　　About　eleven；　just　as　I　was　going　to　bed；　Mrs。　Hopgood

came　to　my　door。



〃Will　yu　come；　sir；〃　she　said；　〃she's　asking　for　yu。　　Naowt　I　can　zay

but　what　she　will　see　yu；　zeems　crazy；　don't　it？〃　　A　tear　trickled

down　the　old　lady's　cheek。　　〃Du　'ee　come；　'twill　du　'err　'arm　mebbe；

but　I　dunnoshe'll　fret　else。〃



I　slipped　into　the　room。　　Lying　back　on　her　pillows；　she　was

breathing　quickly　with　half…closed　eyes。　　There　was　nothing　to　show

that　she　had　wanted　me；　or　even　knew　that　I　was　there。　　The　wick　of

the　candle；　set　by　the　bedside；　had　been　snuffed　too　short；　and　gave

but　a　faint　light；　both　window　and　door　stood　open；　still　there　was

no　draught；　and　the　feeble　little　flame　burned　quite　still；　casting　a

faint　yellow　stain　on　the　ceiling　like　the　refection　from　a　buttercup

held　beneath　a　chin。　　These　ceilings　are　far　too　low！　　Across　the

wide；　squat　window　the　apple　branches　fell　in　black　stripes　which

never　stirred。　　It　was　too　dark　to　see　things　clearly。　　At　the　foot

of　the　bed　was　a　chest；　and　there　Mrs。　Hopgood　had　sat　down；　moving

her　lips　as　if　in　speech。　　Mingled　with　the　half…musty　smell　of　age；

there　were　other　scents；　of　mignonette；　apples；　and　some　sweet…

smelling　soap。　　The　floor　had　no　carpet；　and　there　was　not　one　single

dark　object　except　the　violin；　hanging　from　a　nail　over　the　bed。　　A

little；　round　clock　ticked　solemnly。



〃Why　won't　you　give　me　that　stuff；　Mums？〃　Pasiance　said　in　a　faint；

sharp　voice。　　〃I　want　to　sleep。〃



〃Have　you　much　pain？〃　I　asked。



〃Of　course　I　have；　it's　everywhere。〃



She　turned　her　face　towards　me。



〃You　thought　I　did　it　on　purpose；　but　you're　wrong。　　If　I　had；　I'd

have　done　it　better　than　this。　　I　wouldn't　have　this　brutal　pain。〃

She　put　her　fingers　over　her　eyes。　　〃It's　horrible　to　complain！　　Only

it's　so　bad！　　But　I　won't　againpromise。



She　took　the　sleeping　draught　gratefully；　making　a　face；　like　a　child

after　a　powder。



〃How　long　do　you　think　it'll　be　before　I　can　play　again？　　Oh！　I

forgotthere　are　other　things　to　think　about。〃　　She　held　out　her

hand　to　me。　　〃Look　at　my　ring。　　Marriedisn't　it　funny？　　Ha；　ha！

Nobody　will　ever　understandthat's　funny　too！　　Poor　Gran！　　You　see；

there　wasn't　any　reasononly　me。　　That's　the　only　reason　I'm　telling

you　now；　Mums　is　therebut　she　doesn't　count；　why　don't　you　count；

Mums？〃



The　fever　was　fighting　against　the　draught；　she　had　tossed　the

clothes　back　from　her　throat；　and　now　and　then　raised　one　thin　arm　a

little；　as　if　it　eased　her；　her　eyes　had　grown　large；　and　innocent

like　a　child's；　the　candle；　too；　had　flared；　and　was　burning　clearly。



〃Nobody　is　to　tell　himnobody　at　all；　promise。。。！　　If　I　hadn't

slipped；　it　would　have　been　different。　　What　would　have　happened

then？　　You　can't　tell；　and　I　can'tthat's　funny！　　Do　you　think　I

loved　him？　　Nobody　marries　without　love；　do　they？　　Not　quite　without

love；　I　mean。　　But　you　see　I　wanted　to　be　free；　he　said　he'd　take　me；

and　now　he's　left　me　after　all！　　I　won't　be　left；　I　can't！　　When　I

came　to　the　cliffthat　bit　where　the　ivy　grows　right　downthere　was

just　the　sea　there；　underneath；　so　I　thought　I　would　throw　myself

over　and　it　would　be　all　quiet；　and　I　climbed　on　a　ledge；　it　looked

easier　from　there；　but　it　was　so　high；　I　wanted　to　get　back；　and　then

my　foot　slipped；　and　now　it's　all　pain。　　You　can't　think　much；　when

you're　in　pain。〃



》From　her　eyes　I　saw　that　she　was　dropping　off。



〃Nobody　can　take　you　away　from…yourself。　　He's　not　to　be　toldnot

evenI　don'twant　youto　go　away；　because〃But　her　eyes　closed；

and　she　dropped　off　to　sleep。



They　don't　seem　to　know　this　morning　whether　she　is　better　or

worse。。。。









VI



〃Tuesday；　9th　August。



It　seems　more　like　three　weeks　than　three　days　since　I　wrote。　　The

time　passes　slowly　in　a　sickhouse。。。！　　The　doctors　were　here　this

morning；　they　give　her　forty　hours。　　Not　a　word　of　complaint　has

passed　her　lips　since　she　knew。　　To　see　her　you　would　hardly　think

her　ill；　her　cheeks　have　not　had　time　to　waste　or　lose　their　colour。

There　is　not　much　pain；　but　a　slow；　creeping　numbness。。。。　　It　was

John　Ford's　wish　that　she　should　be　told。　　She　just　turned　her　head

to　the　wall　and　sighed；　then　to　poor　old　Mrs。　Hopgood；　who　was　crying

her　heart　out：　〃Don't　cry；　Mums；　I　don't　care。〃



When　they　had　gone；　she　asked　for　her　violin。　　She　made　them　hold　it

for　her；　and　drew　the　bow　across　the　strings；　but　the　notes　that　came

out　were　so　trembling　and　uncertain　that　she　dropped　the　bow　and

broke　into　a　passion　of　sobbing。　　Since　then；　no　complaint　or　moan　of

any　kind。。。。



But　to　go　back。　　On　Sunday；　the　day　after　I　wrote；　as　I　was　coming

from　a　walk；　I　met　a　little　boy　making　mournful　sounds　on　a　tin

whistle。



〃Coom　ahn！〃　he　said；　〃the　Miss　wahnts　t'　zee　yu。〃



I　went　to　her　room。　　In　the　morning　she　had　seemed　better；　but　now

looked　utterly　exhausted。　　She　had　a　letter　in　her　hand。



〃It's　this；〃　she　said。　　〃I　don't　seem　to　understand　it。　　He　wants　me

to　do　somethingbut　I　can't　think；　and　my　eyes　feel　funny。　　Read　it

to　me；　please。〃



The　letter　was　from　Zachary。　　I　read　it　to　her　in　a　low　voice；　for

Mrs。　Hopgood　was　in　the　room；　her　eyes　always　fixed　on　Pasiance　above

her　knitting。　　When　I'd　finished；　she　made　me　read　it　again；　and　yet

again。　　At　first　she　seemed　pleased；　almost　excited；　then　came　a

weary；　scornful　look；　and　before　I'd　finished　the　third　time　she　was

asleep。　　It　was　a　remarkable　letter；　that　seemed　to　bring　the　man

right　before　one's　eyes。　　I　slipped　it　under　her　fingers　on　the　bed…

clothes；　and　went　out。　　Fancy　took　me　to　the　cliff　where　she　had

fallen。　　I　found　the　point　of　rock　where　the　cascade　of　ivy　flows

down　the　cliff；　the　ledge　on　which　she　had　climbed　was　a　little　to　my

righta　mad　place。　　It　showed　plainly　what　wild　emotions　must　have

been　driving　her！　　Behind　was　a　half…cut　cornfield　with　a　fringe　of

poppies；　and　swarms　of　harvest　insects　creeping　and　flying；　in　the

uncut　corn　a　landrail　kept　up　a　continual　charring。　　The　sky　was　blue

to　the　very　horizon；　and　the　sea　wonderful；　under　that　black　wild

cliff　stained　here　and　there　with　red。　　Over　the　dips　and　hollows　of

the　fields　great　white　clouds　hung　low　down　above　the　land。　　There

are　no　brassy；　east…coast　skies　here；　but　always　sleepy；　soft…shaped

clouds；　full　of　subtle　stir　and　change。　　Passages　of　Zachary's

Pearse's　letter　kept　rising　to　my　lips。　　After　all　he's　the　man　that

his　native　place；　and　life；　and　blood　have　made　him。　　It　is　useless

to　expect　idealists　where　the　air　is　soft　and　things　good　to　look　on

（the　idealist　grows　where　he　must　create　beauty　or　comfort　for

himself）；　useless　to　expect　a　man　of　law　and　order；　in　one　whose

fathers　have　stared　at　the　sea　day　and　night　for　a　thousand　years

the　sea；　full　of　its　promises　of　unknown　things；　never　quite　the

same；　a　slave　to　its　own　impulses。　　Man　is　an　imitative　animal。。。。



〃Life's　hard　enough；〃　he　wrote；　〃without　tying　yourself　down。　　Don't

think　too　hardly　of　me！　　Shall　I　make　you　happier　by　taking　you　into

danger？　　If　I　succeed　you'll　be　a　rich　woman；　but　I　shall　fail　if

you're　with　me。　　To　look　at　you　makes　me　soft。　　At　sea　a　man　dreams

of　all　the　good　things　on　land；　he'll　dream　of　the　heather；　and

honeyyou're　like　that；　and　he'll　dream　of　the　apple…trees；　and　the

grass　of　the　orchardsyou're　like　that；　sometimes　he　only　lies　on

his　back　and　wishesand　you're　like　that；　most　of　all　like　that。。。。〃



When　I　was　reading　those　words　I　remember　a　strange；　soft；　half…

scornful　look　came　over　Pasiance's　face；　and　once　she　said；　〃But

that's　all　nonsense；