painted windows-第9章

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Julie；　and　when　I　struck；　she　was　still
in　my　grasp　and　on　top　of　me。　But　she
rolled　out　of　my　relaxing　clutch　after
that；　and　when　father　and　mother　came
running；　she　was　lying　on　the　stones。
They　thought　she　had　fallen　that　way；
and　as　the　breath　had　been　fairly
knocked　out　of　her　little　body；　so　that
she　was　not　crying；　they　were　more
frightened　than　ever；　and　ran　with　her
to　the　house；　wild　with　apprehension。

As　for　me；　I　got　up　somehow　and　fol…
owed。　I　decided　no　bones　were　broken；
but　I　was　dizzy　and　faint；　and　aching
from　bruises。　I　saw　my　little　friends
running　down　the　plank　and　making　off
along　the　poplar　drive；　white…faced　and
panting。　I　knew　they　thought　Julie
was　dead　and　that　I'd　be　hung。　I　had
the　same　idea。

When　we　got　to　the　sitting…room　I
had　a　strange　feeling　of　never　having
seen　it　before。　The　tall　stove；　the
green　and　oak　ingrain　carpet；　the　green
rep　chairs；　the　what…not　with　its　shells；
the　steel　engravings　on　the　walls；
seemed　absolutely　strange。　I　sat　down
and　counted　the　diamond…shaped　figures
on　the　oilcloth　in　front　of　the　stove；
and　after　a　long　time　I　heard　Julie　cry；
and　mother　say　with　immeasurable　re…
lief：

〃Aside　from　a　shaking　up；　I　don't
believe　she's　a　bit　the　worse。〃

Then　some　one　brought　me　a　cupful
of　cold　water　and　asked　me　if　I　was
hurt。　I　shook　my　head　and　would　not
speak。　I　then　heard；　in　simple　and　em…
phatic　Anglo…Saxon　the　opinions　of　my
father　and　mother　about　a　girl　who
would　put　her　little　sister's　life　in　dan…
ger；　and　would　disobey　her　parents。
And　after　that　I　was　put　in　my　moth…
er's　bedroom　to　pass　the　rest　of　the
day；　and　was　told　I　needn't　expect　to
come　to　the　table　with　the　others。

I　accepted　my　fate　stoically；　and　be…
ing　permitted　to　carry　my　own　chair
into　the　room；　I　put　it　by　the　western
window；　which　looked　across　two　miles
of　meadows　waving　in　buckwheat；　in
clover　and　grass；　and　sat　there　in　a　cu…
rious　torpor　of　spirit。　I　was　glad　to
be　alone；　for　I　had　discovered　a　new
idea　　the　idea　of　sin。　I　wished　to　be
left　to　myself　till　I　could　think　out　what
it　meant。　I　believed　I　could　do　that　by
night；　and；　after　I　had　got　to　the　root
of　the　matter；　I　could　cast　the　whole
ugly　thing　out　of　my　soul　and　be　good
all　the　rest　of　my　life。

There　was　a　large　upholstered　chair
standing　in　front　of　me；　and　I　put　my
head　down　on　the　seat　of　that　and
thought　and　thought。　My　thoughts
reached　so　far　that　I　grew　frightened；
and　I　was　relieved　when　I　felt　the　little
soft　grey　veils　drawing　about　me　which
I　knew　meant　sleep。　It　seemed　to　me
that　I　really　ought　to　weep　　that　the
circumstances　were　such　that　I　should
weep。　But　sleep　was　sweeter　than
tears；　and　not　only　the　pain　in　my　mind
but　the　jar　and　bruise　of　my　body
seemed　to　demand　that　oblivion。　So　I
gave　way　to　the　impulse；　and　the　grey
veils　wrapped　around　and　around　me
as　a　spider's　web　enwraps　a　fly。　And
for　hours　I　knew　nothing。

When　I　awoke　it　was　the　close　of　day。
Long　tender　shadows　lay　across　the
fields；　the　sky　had　that　wonderful　clear…
ness　and　kindness　which　is　like　a　hu…
man　eye；　and　the　soft　wind　puffing　in
at　the　window　was　sweet　with　field
fragrance。　A　glass　of　milk　and　a　plate
with　two　slices　of　bread　lay　on　the　win…
dow　sill　by　me；　as　if　some　one　had
placed　them　there　from　the　outside。　I
could　hear　birds　settling　down　for　the
night；　and　cheeping　drowsily　to　each
other。　My　cat　came　on　the　scene　and；
seeing　me；　looked　at　me　with　serious；
expanding　eyes；　twitched　her　whiskers
cynically；　and　passed　on。　Presently　I
heard　the　voices　of　my　family。　They
were　re…entering　the　sitting…room。　Sup…
per　was　over　　supper；　with　its　cold
meats　and　shining　jellies；　its　〃floating
island〃　and　its　fig　cake。　I　could　hear
a　voice　that　was　new　to　me。　It　was
deeper　than　my　mother's；　and　its　ac…
cent　was　different。　It　was　the　sort　of
a　voice　that　made　you　feel　that　its
owner　had　talked　with　many　different
kinds　of　people；　and　had　contrived　to
hold　her　own　with　all　of　them。　I　knew
it　belonged　to　Aunt　Cordelia。　And　now
that　I　was　not　to　see　her；　I　felt　my　curi…
osity　arising　in　me。　I　wanted　to　look
at　her；　and　still　more　I　wished　to　ask
her　about　goodness。　She　was　rich　and
good！　Was　one　the　result　of　the　other？
And　which　came　first？　I　dimly　per…
ceived　that　if　there　had　been　more
money　in　our　house　there　would　have
been　more　help；　and　I　would　not　have
been　led　into　temptation　　baby　would
not　have　been　left　too　long　upon　my
hands。　However；　after　a　few　moments
of　self…pity；　I　rejected　this　thought。　I
knew　I　really　was　to　blame；　and　it　oc…
curred　to　me　that　I　would　add　to　my
faults　if　I　tried　to　put　the　blame　on　any…
body　else。

Now　that　the　first　shock　was　over　and
that　my　sleep　had　refreshed　me；　I　be…
gan　to　see　what　terrible　sorrow　had
been　mine　if　the　fall　had　really　injured
Julie；　and　a　sudden　thought　shook　me。
She　might；　after　all；　have　been　hurt　in
some　way　that　would　show　itself　later
on。　I　yearned　to　look　upon　her；　to　see
if　all　her　sweetness　and　softness　was　in…
tact。　It　seemed　to　me　that　if　I　could
not　see　her　the　rising　grief　in　me　would
break；　and　I　would　sob　aloud。　I　didn't
want　to　do　that。　I　had　no　notion　to
call　any　attention　to　myself　whatever；
but　see　the　baby　I　must。　So；　softly；
and　like　a　thief；　I　opened　the　door　com…
municating　with　the　little　dressing…
room　in　which　Julie's　cradle　stood。　The
curtain　had　been　drawn　and　it　was　al…
most　dark；　but　I　found　my　way　to
Julie's　bassinet。　I　could　not　quite　see
her；　but　the　delicate　odour　of　her
breath　came　up　to　me；　and　I　found　her
little　hand　and　slipped　my　finger　in　it。
It　was　gripped　in　a　baby　pressure；　and
I　stood　there　enraptured；　feeling　as　if
a　flower　had　caressed　me。　I　was
thrilled　through　and　through　with　hap…
piness；　and　with　love　for　this　little　crea…
ture；　whom　my　selfishness　might　have
destroyed。　There　was　nothing　in　what
had　happened　during　this　moment　or
two　when　I　stood　by　her　side　to　assure
me　that　all　was　well　with　her；　but　I　did
so　believe；　and　I　said　over　and　over：
〃Thank　you；　God！　Thank　you；　God！〃

And　now　my　tears　began　to　flow。
They　came　in　a　storm　　a　storm　I　could
not　control；　and　I　fled　back　to　mother's
room；　and　stood　there　before　the　west
window　weeping　as　I　never　had　wept
before。

The　quiet　loveliness　of　the　closing
day　had　passed　into　the　splendour　of
the　afterglow。　Mighty　wings　as　of
bright　angels；　pink　and　shining　white；
reached　up　over　the　sky。　The　vault　was
purple　above　me；　and　paled　to　lilac；　then
to　green　of　unimaginable　tenderness。
Now　I　quenched　my　tears　to　look；　and
then　I　wept　again；　weeping　no　more　for
sorrow　and　loneliness　and　shame　than
for　gratitude　and　delight　in　beauty。　So
fair　a　world！　What　had　sin　to　do　with
it？　I　could　not　make　it　out。

The　shining　wings　grew　paler；　faded；
then　darkened；　the　melancholy　sound
of　cow…bells　stole　up　from　the　common。
The　birds　were　still；　a　low　wind　rustled
the　trees。　I　sat　thinking　my　young
〃night　thoughts〃　of　how　marvellous　it
was　for　the　sun　to　set；　to　rise；　to　keep
its　place　in　heaven　　of　how　wrapped
about　with　mysteries　we　were。　What
if　the　world　should　start　to　falling
through　space？　Where　would　it　land？
Was　there　even　a　bottom　to　the　uni…
verse？　〃World　without　end〃　might
mean　that　there　was　neither　an　end　to
space　nor　yet　to　time。　I　shivered　at
thought　of　such　vastness。

Suddenly　light　streamed　about　me；
warm　arms　enfolded　me。

〃Mother！〃　I　murmured；　and　slipped
from　the　unknown　to　the　dear　familiar…
ity　of　her　shoulder。

It　was；　I　soon　perceived；　a　silk…clad
shoulder。　Mother　had　on　her　best
dress；　nay；　she　wore　her　coral　pin　and
ear…rings。　Her　lace　collar　was　scented
with　Jockey　Club；　and　her　neck；　into
which　I　was　burrowing；　had　the　inde…
scribable　something　that　was　not　quite
odour；　not　all　softness；　but　was　com…
pounded　of　these　and　meant　mother。
She　said　little　to　me　as　she　drew　me
away　and　bathed　my　face；　brushed　and
plaited　my　hair；　and　put　on　my　clean
frock。　But　we　felt　happy　together。　I
knew　she　was　as　glad　to　forgive　as　I
was　to　be　forgiven。

In　a　little　while　she　led　me；　blinking；
into　the　light。　A　tall　stranger；　a　lady
in　prune…coloured　silk；　sat　in　the　high