painted windows-第8章

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and　my　facile　tongue　running　along　re…
liably；　but　I　wished　to　demonstrate　that
〃ability〃　which　was　to　bring　me　fa…
vour　and　fame。　I　listened　to　my　own
words　and　was　shivered　into　silence。　I
was　talking　about　〃dark　Plutonian
shadows〃；　I　was　begging　〃Egypt〃　to
let　her　arms　enfold　me　　I　was；　indeed；
in　the　very　thick　of　the　forbidden　poem。
I　could　hear　my　thin；　aspiring　voice
reaching　out　over　that　paralysed　audi…
ence　with：


Though　my　scarred　and　veteran　legions
　　　Bear　their　eagles　high　no　more；
And　my　wrecked　and　scattered　galleys
　　　Strew　dark　Actium's　fatal　shore。


My　tongue　seemed　frozen；　or　some
kind　of　a　ratchet　at　the　base　of　it　had
got　out　of　order。　For　a　moment　　a
moment　can　be　the　little　sister　of　eter…
nity　　I　could　say　nothing。　Then　I
found　myself　in　the　clutches　of　the　in…
stinct　for　self…preservation。　I　felt　it　in
me　to　stop　the　giggles　of　the　girls　on
the　front　seat；　to　take　the　patronising
smiles　out　of　the　tolerant　eyes　of　the
grown　people。　Maybe　my　voice　lost
something　of　its　piping　insistence　and
was　touched　with　genuine　feeling；　per…
haps　some　faint；　faint　spark　of　the　di…
vine　fire　which　I　longed　to　fan　into　a
flame　did　flicker　in　me　for　that　one　time。
I　had　the　indescribable　happiness　of
seeing　the　smiles　die　on　the　faces　of　my
elders；　and　of　hearing　the　giggles　of　my
friends　cease。

I　went　to　my　seat　amid　what　I　was
pleased　to　consider　〃thunders　of　ap…
plause；〃　and　by　way　of　acknowledg…
ment；　I　spoke；　with　chastened　propri…
ety；　Whittier's　ode　to　the　pumpkin。

I　cannot　remember　whether　or　not　I
was　scolded。　I'm　afraid；　afterward；
some　people　still　laughed。　As　for　me；
oddly　enough；　my　oratorical　aspira…
tions　died。　I　decided　there　were　other
careers　better　fitted　to　one　of　my
physique。　So　I　had　to　go　to　the　trouble
of　finding　another　career；　but　just　what
it　was　I　have　forgotten。



V

REMORSE

IT　is　extraordinary；　when　you　come
to　think　of　it；　how　very　few　days；
out　of　all　the　thousands　that　have
passed；　lift　their　heads　from　the　grey
plain　of　the　forgotten　　like　bowlders　in
a　level　stretch　of　country。　It　is　not
alone　the　unimportant　ones　that　are　for…
gotten；　but；　according　to　one's　elders；
many　important　ones　have　left　no　mark
in　the　memory。　It　seems　to　me；　as　I
think　it　over；　that　it　was　the　days　that
affected　the　emotions　that　dwell　with
me；　and　I　suppose　all　of　us　must　be　the
same　in　this　respect。

Among　those　which　I　am　never　to
forget　is　the　day　when　Aunt　Cordelia
came　to　visit　us　　my　mother's　aunt；
she　was　　and　when　I　discovered　evil；
and　tried　to　understand　what　the　use
of　it　was。

Great…aunt　Cordelia　was；　as　I　often
and　often　had　been　told；　not　only　much
travelled；　rich　and　handsome；　but　good
also。　She　was；　indeed；　an　important
personage　in　her　own　city；　and　it
seemed　to　be　regarded　as　an　evidence
of　unusual　family　fealty　that　she
should　go　about；　now　and　then；　briefly
visiting　all　of　her　kinfolk　to　see　how
they　fared　in　the　world。　I　ought　to
have　looked　forward　to　meeting　her；　but
this；　for　some　perverse　reason；　I　did
not　do。　I　wished　I　might　run　away
and　hide　somewhere　till　her　visit　was
over。　It　annoyed　me　to　have　to　clean
up　the　play…room　on　her　account；　and
to　help　polish　the　silver；　and　to　comb
out　the　fringe　of　the　tea　napkins。　I
liked　to　help　in　these　tasks　ordinarily；
but　to　do　it　for　the　purpose　of　coming
up　to　a　visiting　　and　probably；　a　con…
descending　　goddess；　somehow　made
me　cross。

Among　other　hardships；　I　had　to　take
care　of　my　little　sister　Julie　all　day。　I
loved　Julie。　　She　had　soft　golden…
brown　curls　fuzzing　around　on　her
head；　and　mischievous　brown　eyes　
warm；　extra…human　eyes。　There　was　a
place　in　the　back　of　her　neck；　just　below
the　point　of　her　curls；　which　it　was　a
privilege　to　kiss；　and　though　she　could
not　yet　talk；　she　had　a　throaty；　beauti…
ful　little　exclamation；　which　cannot　be
spelled　any　more　than　a　bird　note；　with
which　she　greeted　all　the　things　she
liked　　a　flower；　or　a　toy；　or　mother。
But　loving　Julie　as　she　sat　in　mother's
lap；　and　having　to　care　for　her　all　of
a　shining　Saturday；　were　two　quite　dif…
ferent　things。　As　the　hours　wore　along
I　became　bored　with　looking　at　the
golden　curls　of　my　baby　sister；　I　had
no　inclination　to　kiss　the　〃honey…spot〃
in　the　back　of　her　neck；　and　when　she
fretted　from　heat　and　teething　and　my
perfunctory　care；　I　grew　angry。

I　knew　mother　was　busy　making　cus…
tards　and　cakes　for　Aunt　Cordelia；　and
I　longed　to　be　in　watching　these　pleas…
ing　operations。　I　thought　　but　what
does　it　matter　what　I　thought？　I　was
bad！　I　was　so　bad　that　I　was　glad　I
was　bad。　Perhaps　it　was　nerves。　May…
be　I　really　had　taken　care　of　the　baby
too　long。　But　however　that　may　be；　for
the　first　time　in　my　life　I　enjoyed　the
consciousness　of　having　a　bad　disposi…
tion　　or　perhaps　I　ought　to　say　that　I
felt　a　fiendish　satisfaction　in　the　discov…
ery　that　I　had　one。

Along　in　the　middle　of　the　afternoon
three　of　the　girls　in　the　neighbourhood
came　over　to　play。　They　had　their
dolls；　and　they　wanted　to　〃keep　house〃
in　the　〃new　part〃　of　our　home。　We
were　living　in　a　roomy　and　comfortable
〃addition；〃　which　had；　oddly　enough；
been　built　before　the　building　to　which
it　was　finally　to　serve　as　an　annex。　That
is　to　say；　it　had　been　the　addition　be…
fore　there　was　anything　to　add　it　to。
By　this　time；　however；　the　new　house
was　getting　a　trifle　old；　as　it　waited　for
the　completion　of　its　rather　dispropor…
tionate　splendours；　splendours　which
represented　the　ambitions　rather　than
the　achievements　of　the　family。　It　tow…
ered；　large；　square；　imposing；　with　hints
of　M。　Mansard's　grandiose　architectu…
ral　ideas　in　its　style；　in　the　very　centre
of　a　village　block　of　land。　From　the
first；　it　exercised　a　sort　of　〃I　dreamt　I
dwelt　in　marble　halls〃　effect　upon　me；
and　in　a　vague　way；　at　the　back　of　my
mind；　floated　the　idea　that　when　we
passed　from　our　modest　home　into
this　commanding　edifice；　well…trained
servants　mysteriously　would　appear；
beautiful　gowns　would　be　found　await…
ing　my　use　in　the　closets；　and　father
and　mother　would　be　able　to　take　their
ease；　something　after　the　fashion　of　the
〃landed　gentry〃　of　whom　I　had　read
in　Scotch　and　English　books。　The　ceil…
ings　of　the　new　house　were　so　high；　the
sweep　of　the　stairs　so　dramatic；　the　size
of　the　drawing…rooms　so　copious；　that
perhaps　I　hardly　was　to　be　blamed　for
expecting　a　transformation　scene。

But　until　this　new　life　was　realised；
the　clean；　bare　rooms　made　the　best　of
all　possible　play…rooms；　and　with　the
light　streaming　in　through　the　trees；
and　falling；　delicately　tinged　with
green；　upon　the　new　floors；　and　with
the　scent　of　the　new　wood　all　about；　it
was　a　place　of　indefinable　enchantment。
I　was　allowed　to　play　there　all　I　pleased
　except　when　I　had　Julie。　There　were
unguarded　windows　and　yawning　stair…
holes；　and　no　steps　as　yet　leading　from
the　ground　to　the　great　opening　where
the　carved　front　door　was　some　time
to　be。　Instead；　there　were　planks；　in…
clined　at　a　steep　angle；　beneath　which
lay　the　stones　of　which　the　foundation
to　the　porch　were　to　be　made。　Jagged
pieces　of　yet　unhewn　sandstone　they
were；　with　cruel　edges。

But　to…day　when　the　girls　said；　〃Oh；
come！〃　my　newly　discovered　badness
echoed　their　words。　I　wanted　to　go
with　them。　So　I　went。

Out　of　the　corner　of　my　eye　I　could
see　father　in　the　distance；　but　I
wouldn't　look　at　him　for　fear　he　would
be　magnetised　into　turning　my　way。
The　girls　had　gone　up；　and　I　followed；
with　Julie　in　my　arms。　Did　I　hear
father　call　to　me　to　stop？　He　always
said　I　did；　but　I　think　he　was　mistaken。
Perhaps　I　merely　didn't　wish　to　hear
him。　Anyway；　I　went　on；　balancing
myself　as　best　I　could。　The　other　girls
had　reached　the　top；　and　turned　to　look
at　us；　and　I　knew　they　were　afraid。　I
think　they　would　have　held　out　their
hands　to　help　me；　but　I　had　both　arms
clasped　about　Julie。　So　I　staggered　on；
got　almost　to　the　top；　then　seemed　sub…
merged　beneath　a　wave　of　fears　　mine
and　those　of　the　girls　　and　fell！　As
I　went；　I　curled　like　a　squirrel　around
Julie；　and　when　I　struck；　she　was　still
in　my　grasp　and　on　top　of　me。　But　she
rolled　out　of