painted windows-第3章

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shade　drawn；　and　a　screen　placed　so　as
to　keep　off　drafts。　And　her　mother
brushed　her　hair　twenty　minutes　by　the
clock　each　night；　to　make　it　glossy；　and
then　she　sat　by　her　bed　and　sang　softly
till　the　girl　fell　asleep。

I　not　only　had　to　open　my　own　bed；
but　the　beds　for　the　other　children；　and
although　I　sometimes　felt　my　mother's
hand　tucking　in　the　bedclothes　round
me；　she　never　stooped　and　kissed　me　on
the　brow　and　said；　〃Bless　you；　my
child。〃　No　one；　in　all　my　experience；
had　said；　〃Bless　you；　my　child。〃　When
the　girl　I　have　spoken　of　came　into　the
room；　her　mother　reached　out　her　arms
and　said；　before　everybody；　〃Here
comes　my　dear　little　girl。〃　When　I
came　into　a　room；　I　was　usually　told　to
do　something　for　somebody。　It　was
〃Please　see　if　the　fire　needs　more
wood；〃　or　〃Let　the　cat　in；　please；〃　or
〃I'd　like　you　to　weed　the　pansy　bed　be…
fore　supper…time。〃

In　these　circumstances；　life　hardly
seemed　worth　living。　I　decided　that　I
had　made　a　mistake　in　choosing　my
family。　It　did　not　appreciate　me；　and
it　failed　to　make　my　young　life　glad。
I　knew　my　young　life　ought　to　be　glad。
And　it　was　not。　It　was　drab；　as　drab
as　Toot's　old　rain…coat。

Toot　was　〃our　coloured　boy。〃　That
is　the　way　we　described　him。　Father
had　brought　him　home　from　the　war；
and　had　sent　him　to　school；　and　then
apprenticed　him　to　a　miller。　Toot　did
〃chores〃　for　his　board　and　clothes；
but　was　soon　to　be　his　own　man；　and　to
be　paid　money　by　the　miller；　and　to
marry　Tulula　Darthula　Jones；　a　nice
coloured　girl　who　lived　with　the　Cut…
lers。

The　time　had　been　when　Toot　had
been　my　self…appointed　slave。　Almost
my　first　recollections　were　of　his　carry…
ing　me　out　to　see　the　train　pass；　and
saying；　〃Toot；　toot！〃　in　imitation　of
the　locomotive；　so；　although　he　had
rather　a　splendid　name；　I　called　him
〃Toot；〃　and　the　whole　town　followed
my　example。　Yes；　the　time　had　been
when　Toot　saw　me　safe　to　school；　and
slipped　little　red　apples　into　my　pocket；
and　took　me　out　while　he　milked　the
cow；　and　told　me　stories　and　sang　me
plantation　songs。　Now；　when　he　passed；
he　only　nodded。　When　I　spoke　to　him
about　his　not　giving　me　any　more　ap…
ples；　he　said：

〃Ah　reckon　they're　your　pa's　ap…
ples；　missy。　Why；　fo'　goodness'　sake；
don'　yo'　he'p　yo'se'f？〃

But　I　did　not　want　to　help　myself。
I　wanted　to　be　helped　　not　because　I
was　lazy；　but　because　I　wanted　to　be
adored。　I　was　really　a　sort　of　fairy
princess；　　misplaced；　of　course；　in　a
stupid　republic；　　and　I　wanted　life　con…
ducted　on　a　fairy…princess　basis。　It　was
a　game　I　wished　to　play；　but　it　was　one
I　could　not　play　alone；　and　not　a　soul
could　I　find　who　seemed　inclined　to　play
it　with　me。

Well；　things　went　from　bad　to　worse。
I　decided　that　if　mother　no　longer　loved
me；　I　would　no　longer　tell　her　things。
So　I　did　not。　I　got　a　hundred　in　spell…
ing　for　twelve　days　running；　and　did
not　tell　her！　I　broke　Edna　Grantham's
mother's　water…pitcher；　and　kept　the
fact　a　secret。　The　secret　was；　indeed；
as　sharp…edged　as　the　pieces　of　the
broken　pitcher　had　been；　I　cried　under
the　bedclothes；　thinking　how　sorry　Mrs。
Grantham　had　been；　and　that　mother
really　ought　to　know。　Only　what　was
the　use？　I　no　longer　looked　to　her　to
help　me　out　of　my　troubles。

I　had　no　need　now　to　have　father　and
mother　tell　me　to　hurry　up　and　finish
my　chatter；　for　I　kept　all　that　hap…
pened　to　myself。　I　had　a　new　〃intimate
friend；〃　and　did　not　so　much　as　men…
tion　her。　I　wrote　a　poem　and　showed
it　to　my　teacher；　but　not　to　my　unin…
terested　parents。　And　when　I　climbed
the　stairs　at　night　to　my　room；　I　swelled
with　loneliness　and　anguish　and　resent…
ment；　and　the　hot　tears　came　to　my　eyes
as　I　heard　father　and　mother　laughing
and　talking　together　and　paying　no　at…
tention　to　my　misery。　I　could　hear
Toot；　who　used　to　be　making　all　sorts
of　little　presents　for　me；　whistling　as
he　brought　in　the　wood　and　water；　and
then　〃cleaned　up〃　to　go　to　see　his
Tulula；　with　never　a　thought　of　me。
And　I　said　to　myself　that　the　best　thing
I　could　do　was　to　grow　up　and　get
away　from　a　place　where　I　was　no
longer　wanted。

No　one　noticed　my　sufferings　further
than　sometimes　to　say　impatiently；
〃What　makes　you　act　so　strange；
child？〃　And　to　that；　of　course；　I　an…
swered　nothing；　for　what　I　had　to　say
would　not；　I　felt；　be　understood。

One　morning　in　June　I　left　home　with
my　resentment　burning　fiercely　within
me。　I　had　not　cared　for　the　things　we
had　for　breakfast；　for　I　was　half…ill
with　fretting　and　with　the　closeness　of
the　day；　but　my　lack　of　appetite　had
been　passed　by　with　the　remark　that
any　one　was　likely　not　to　have　an　ap…
petite　on　such　a　close　day。　But　I　was
so　languid；　and　so　averse　to　taking　up
the　usual　round　of　things；　that　I　begged
mother　to　let　me　stay　at　home。　She
shook　her　head　decidedly。

〃You've　been　out　of　school　too　many
days　already　this　term；〃　she　said。
〃Run　along　now；　or　you'll　he　late！〃

〃Please　〃　I　began；　for　my　head
really　was　whirling；　although；　quite　as
much；　perhaps；　from　my　perversity　as
from　any　other　cause。　Mother　turned
on　me　one　of　her　〃lastword〃　glances。

〃Go　to　school　without　another　word；〃
she　said；　quietly。

I　knew　that　quiet　tone；　and　I　went。
And　now　I　was　sure　that　all　was　over
between　my　parents　and　myself。　I　be…
gan　to　wonder　if　I　need　really　wait　till
I　was　grown　up　before　leaving　home。
So　miserably　absorbed　was　I　in　think…
ing　of　this；　and　in　pitying　myself　with
a　consuming　pity；　that　everything　at
school　seemed　to　pass　like　the　shadow
of　a　dream。　I　blundered　in　whatever
I　tried　to　do；　was　sharply　scolded　for
not　hearing　the　teacher　until　she　had
spoken　my　name　three　times；　and　was
holding　on　to　myself　desperately　in　my
effort　to　keep　back　a　flood　of　tears；
when　I　became　aware　that　something
was　happening。

There　suddenly　was　a　perfect　silence
in　the　room　　the　sort　of　silence　that
makes　the　heart　beat　too　fast。　　The
mist　swimming　before　me　did　not；　I　per…
ceived；　come　from　my　own　eyes；　but
from　the　changing　colour　of　the　air；　the
usual　transparency　of　which　was　being
tinged　with　yellow。　The　sultriness　of
the　day　was　deepening；　and　seemed　to
carry　a　threat　with　it。

〃Something　is　going　to　happen；〃
thought　I；　and　over　the　whole　room
spread　the　same　conviction。　Electric
currents　seemed　to　snap　from　one　con…
sciousness　to　another。　We　dropped　our
books；　and　turned　our　eyes　toward　the
western　windows；　to　look　upon　a
changed　world。　It　was　as　if　we　peered
through　yellow　glass。　In　the　sky　soft…
looking；　tawny　clouds　came　tumbling
along　like　playful　cats　　or　tigers。　A
moment　later　we　saw　that　they　were
not　playful；　but　angry；　they　stretched
out　claws；　and　snarled　as　they　did　so。
One　claw　reached　the　tall　chimneys　of
the　schoolhouse；　another　tapped　at　the
cupola；　one　was　thrust　through　the　wall
near　where　I　sat。

Then　it　grew　black；　and　there　was　a
bellowing　all　about　us；　so　that　the　com…
mands　of　the　teacher　and　the　screams
of　the　children　barely　could　be　heard。
I　knew　little　or　nothing。　My　shoulder
was　stinging；　something　had　hit　me　on
the　side　of　the　head；　my　eyes　were　full
of　dust　and　mortar；　and　my　feet　were
carrying　me　with　the　others　along　the
corridor；　down　the　two　flights　of　wide
stairs。　I　do　not　think　we　pushed　each
other　or　were　reckless。　My　recollec…
tion　is　only　of　many　shadowy　figures
flying　on　with　sure　feet　out　of　the　build…
ing　that　seemed　to　be　falling　in　upon　us。

Presently　we　were　out　on　the　land…
ing　before　the　door；　with　one　more
flight　of　steps　before　us；　that　reached
to　the　street。　Something　so　strong　that
it　might　not　be　denied　gathered　me　up
in　invisible　arms；　whirled　me　round
once　or　twice　and　dropped　me；　not　un…
gently；　in　the　middle　of　the　road。　And
then；　as　I　struggled　to　my　knees　and；
wiping　the　dust　from　my　eyes；　looked
up；　I　saw　dozens　of　others　being　lifted
in　the　same　way；　and　blown　off　into　the
yard　or　the　street。　　The　larger　ones
were　trying　to　hold　on　to　the　smaller；
and　the　teachers　were　endeavouring　to
keep　the　children　from　going　out　of　the
building；　but　their　efforts　were　of　no
avail。　The　children　came　on；　and　were
blown　about　like　leaves。

Then　I　saw　what　looked　like　a　high
y