painted windows-第2章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


for　Robinson；　not　having　his　little　girl
along。　He'd　have　had　her　to　pick　up
sticks　and　twigs　to　make　a　fire；　and　that
would　have　been　a　great　help　to　him。〃

Father　began　breaking　fallen
branches　over　his　knee；　and　I　groped
round　and　filled　my　arms　again　and
again　with　little　fagots。　So　after　a　few
minutes　we　had　a　fine　fire　crackling　in
a　place　where　it　could　not　catch　the
branches　of　the　trees。　Father　had
scraped　the　needles　of　the　pines　to…
gether　in　such　a　way　that　a　bare　rim　of
earth　was　left　all　around　the　fire；　so　that
it　could　not　spread　along　the　ground；
and　presently　the　coffee…pot　was　over
the　fire　and　bacon　was　sizzling　in　the
frying…pan。　The　good；　hearty　odours
came　out　to　mingle　with　the　delicious
scent　of　the　pines；　and　I；　setting　out
our　dishes；　began　to　feel　a　happiness
different　from　anything　I　had　ever
known。

Pioneers　and　wanderers　and　soldiers
have　joys　of　their　own　　joys　of　which
I　had　heard　often　enough；　for　there　had
been　more　stories　told　than　read　in　our
house。　But　now　for　the　first　time　I
knew　what　my　grandmother　and　my
uncles　had　meant　when　they　told　me
about　the　way　they　had　come　into　the
wilderness；　and　about　the　great　happi…
ness　and　freedom　of　those　first　days。　I；
too；　felt　this　freedom；　and　it　seemed　to
me　as　if　I　never　again　wanted　walls　to
close　in　on　me。　All　my　fear　was　gone；
and　I　felt　wild　and　glad。　I　could　not
believe　that　I　was　only　a　little　girl。　I
felt　taller　even　than　my　father。

Father's　mood　was　like　mine　in　a
way。　He　had　memories　to　add　to　his
emotion；　but　then；　on　the　other　hand；
he　lacked　the　sense　of　discovery　I　had；
for　he　had　known　often　such　feelings
as　were　coming　to　me　for　the　first　time。
When　he　was　a　young　man　he　had　been
a　colporteur　for　the　American　Bible　So…
ciety　among　the　Lake　Superior　Indians；
and　in　that　way　had　earned　part　of　the
money　for　his　course　at　the　University
of　Michigan；　afterward　he　had　gone
with　other　gold…seekers　to　Pike's　Peak；
and　had　crossed　the　plains　with　oxen；
in　the　company　of　many　other　adven…
turers；　then；　when　President　Lincoln
called　for　troops；　he　had　returned　to
enlist　with　the　Michigan　men；　and　had
served　more　than　three　years　with　Mc…
Clellan　and　Grant。

So；　naturally；　there　was　nothing　he
did　not　know　about　making　himself
comfortable　in　the　open。　He　knew　all
the　sorrow　and　all　the　joy　of　the　home…
less　man；　and　now；　as　he　cooked；　he　be…
gan　to　sing　the　old　songs　　〃Marching
Through　Georgia；〃　and　〃Bury　Me　Not
on　the　Lone　Prairie；〃　and　〃In　the
Prison　Cell　I　Sit。〃　He　had　been　in　a
Southern　prison　after　the　Battle　of　the
Wilderness；　and　so　he　knew　how　to　sing
that　song　with　particular　feeling。

I　had　heard　war　stories　all　my　life；
though　usually　father　told　such　tales　in
a　half…joking　way；　as　if　to　make　light　of
everything　he　had　gone　through。　But
now；　as　we　ate　there　under　the　tossing
pines；　and　the　wild　chorus　in　the　tree…
tops　swelled　like　a　rising　sea；　the　spirit
of　the　old　days　came　over　him。　He　was
a　good　〃stump　speaker；〃　and　he　knew
how　to　make　a　story　come　to　life；　and
never　did　all　his　simple　natural　gifts
show　themselves　better　than　on　this
night；　when　he　dwelt　on　his　old　cam…
paigns。

For　the　first　time　I　was　to　look　into
the　heart　of　a　kindly　natured　man；
forced　by　terrible　necessity　to　go
through　the　dread　experience　of　war。
I　gained　an　idea　of　the　unspeakable
homesickness　of　the　man　who　leaves
his　family　to　an　unimagined　fate；　and
sacrifices　years　in　the　service　of　his
country。　I　saw　that　the　mere　foregoing
of　roof　and　bed　is　an　indescribable　dis…
tress；　I　learned　something　of　what　the
palpitant　anxiety　before　a　battle　must
be；　and　the　quaking　fear　at　the　first
rattle　of　bullets；　and　the　half…mad　rush
of　determination　with　which　men　force
valour　into　their　faltering　hearts；　I
was　made　to　know　something　of　the
blight　of　war　　the　horror　of　the　battle…
field；　the　waste　of　bounty；　the　ruin　of
homes。

Then；　rising　above　this；　came　stories
of　devotion；　of　brotherhood；　of　service
on　the　long；　desolate　marches；　of　cour…
age　to　the　death　of　those　who　fought
for　a　cause。　I　began　to　see　wherein
lay　the　highest　joy　of　the　soldier；　and
of　how　little　account　he　held　himself；
if　the　principle　for　which　he　fought
could　be　preserved。　I　heard　for　the
first　time　the　wonderful　words　of　Lin…
coln　at　Gettysburg；　and　learned　to　re…
peat　a　part　of　them。

I　was　only　eight；　it　is　true；　but　emo…
tion　has　no　age；　and　I　understood　then
as　well　as　I　ever　could；　what　heroism
and　devotion　and　self…forgetfulness
mean。　I　understood；　too；　the　meaning
of　the　words　〃our　country；〃　and　my
heart　warmed　to　it；　as　in　the　older　times
the　hearts　of　boys　and　girls　warmed
to　the　name　of　their　king。　The　new
knowledge　was　so　beautiful　that　I
thought　then；　and　I　think　now；　that
nothing　could　have　served　as　so　fit　an
accompaniment　to　it　as　the　shouting　of
those　pines。　　They　sang　like　heroes；
and　in　their　swaying　gave　me　fleeting
glimpses　of　the　stars；　unbelievably
brilliant　in　the　dusky　purple　sky；　and
half…obscured　now　and　then　by　drifting
clouds。

By　and　by　we　lay　down；　not　far　apart；
each　rolled　in　an　army　blanket；　frayed
with　service。　Our　feet　were　to　the　fire
　for　it　was　so　that　soldiers　lay；　my　fa…
ther　said　　and　our　heads　rested　on
mounds　of　pine…needles。

Sometimes　in　the　night　I　felt　my　fa…
ther's　hand　resting　lightly　on　my　shoul…
ders　to　see　that　I　was　covered；　but　in
my　dreams　he　ceased　to　be　my　father
and　became　my　comrade；　and　I　was　a
drummer　boy；　　I　had　seen　the　play；
〃The　Drummer　Boy　of　the　Rappahan…
nock；〃　　marching　forward；　with　set
teeth；　in　the　face　of　battle。

Whatever　could　redeem　war　and
make　it　glorious　seemed　to　flood　my
soul。　All　that　was　highest；　all　that　was
noble　in　that　dreadful　conflict　came　to
me　in　my　sleep　　to　me；　the　child　who
had　been　born　when　my　father　was　at
〃the　front。〃　I　had　a　strange　baptism
of　the　spirit。　I　discovered　sorrow　and
courage；　singing　trees　and　stars。　I　was
never　again　to　think　that　the　fireside
and　fireside　thoughts　made　up　the　whole
of　life。

My　father　lies　with　other　soldiers　by
the　Pacific；　the　forest　sings　no　more；
the　old　army　blankets　have　disap…
peared；　the　memories　of　the　terrible
war　are　fading；　　happily　fading；　　but
they　all　live　again；　sometimes；　in　my
memory；　and　I　am　once　more　a　child；
with　thoughts　as　proud　and　fierce　and
beautiful　as　Valkyries。



II

SOLITUDE

AMONG　the　pictures　that　I　see
when　I　look　back　into　the　past；　is
the　one　where　I；　a　sullen；　egotistic　per…
son　nine　years　old；　stood　quite　alone　in
the　world。　To　he　sure；　there　were　fa…
ther　and　mother　in　the　house；　and　there
were　the　other　children；　and　not　one
among　them　knew　I　was　alone。　The
world　certainly　would　not　have　re…
garded　me　as　friendless　or　orphaned。
There　was　nothing　in　my　mere　appear…
ance；　as　I　started　away　to　school　in　my
clean　ginghams；　with　my　well…brushed
hair；　and　embroidered　school…bag；　to
lead　any　one　to　suppose　that　I　was　a
castaway。　Yet　I　was　　I　had　discovered
this　fact；　hidden　though　it　might　be
from　others。

I　was　no　longer　loved。　Father　and
mother　loved　the　other　children；　but　not
me。　I　might　come　home　at　night；　fairly
bursting　with　important　news　about
what　had　happened　in　class　or　among
my　friends；　and　try　to　relate　my　little
histories。　But　did　mother　listen？　Not
at　all。　She　would　nod　like　a　mandarin
while　I　talked；　or　go　on　turning　the
leaves　of　her　book；　or　writing　her　letter。
What　I　said　was　of　no　importance　to
her。

Father　was　even　less　interested。　He
frankly　told　me　to　keep　still；　and　went
on　with　the　accounts　in　which　he　was
so　absurdly　interested；　or　examined
〃papers〃　　stupid…looking　things　done
on　legal　cap；　which　he　brought　home
with　him　from　the　office。　No　one　kissed
me　when　I　started　away　in　the　morn…
ing；　no　one　kissed　me　when　I　came　home
at　night。　I　went　to　bed　unkissed。　I
felt　myself　to　be　a　lonely　and　misunder…
stood　child　　perhaps　even　an　adopted
one。

Why；　I　knew　a　little　girl　who；　when
she　went　up　to　her　room　at　night；　found
the　bedclothes　turned　back；　and　the
shade　drawn；　and　a　screen　placed　so　as
to　keep　off　drafts。　And　her　mother
brushed　her　hair　twenty　minutes　by　the