the heir of redclyffe-第157章

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sitting　here　with　baby　and　me。　　I　have　sent　Anne　out　walking。'



'How　pretty　she　looks！'　said　Mary；　stooping　over　the　infant。　　'Sleep　is　

giving　her　quite　a　colour；　and　how　fast　she　grows！'



'Poor　little　woman！'　said　Amy；　sighing。



'Tired；　Amy？'　said　Mary；　sitting　down；　and　taking　up　the　little　

lambswool　shoe；　that　Amy　had　been　knitting。



'Nno；　thank　you；'　said　Amy；　with　another　sigh。



'I　am　afraid　you　are。　　You　have　been　walking　to　Alice　Lamsden's　again。'



'I　don't　think　that　tires　me。　　Indeed；　I　believe　the　truth　is；'　and　her　

voice　sounded　especially　sad　in　the　subdued　tone　in　which　she　spoke；　

that　she　might　not　disturb　the　child；　'I　am　not　so　much　tired　with　what　

I　do；　which　is　little　enough；　as　of　the　long；　long　life　that　is　before　

me。'



Mary's　heart　was　full；　but　she　did　not　show　her　thought　otherwise　than　

by　a　look　towards　the　babe。



'Yes；　poor　little　darling；'　said　Amabel；　'I　know　there　is　double　

quantity　to　be　done　for　her；　but　I　am　so　sorry　for　her；　when　I　think　

she　must　grow　up　without　knowing　him。'



'She　has　you；　though；'　Mary　could　not　help　saying；　as　she　felt　that　

Amabel　was　superior　to　all　save　her　husband。



Perhaps　Amy　did　not　hear；　she　went　up　to　the　cot；　and　went　on：'If　he　

had　but　once　seen　her；　if　she　had　but　had　one　kiss；　one　touch　that　I　

could　tell　her　of　by　and　by；　it　would　not　seem　as　if　she　was　so　very　

fatherless。　　Oh　no；　baby；　I　must　wait；　that　you　may　know　something　

about；　him；　for　no　one　else　can　tell　you　so　well　what　he　was；　though　I　

can't　tell　much！'　　She　presently　returned　to　her　seat。　　'No；　I　don't　

believe　I　really　wish　I　was　like　poor　Alice；'　said　she；　'I　hope　not；　I　

am　sure　I　don't　for　her　sake。　　But；　Mary；　I　never　knew　till　I　was　well　

again　how　much　I　had　reckoned　on　dying　when　she　was　born。　　I　did　not　

think　I　was　wishing　it；　but　it　seemed　likely；　and　I　was　obliged　to　

arrange　things　in　case　of　it。　　Then　somehow；　as　he　came　back　last　

spring；　after　that　sad　winter；　it　seemed　as　if　this　spring；　though　he　

would　not　come　back　to　me；　I　might　be　going　to　him。'



'But　then　she　comforted　you。'



'Yes；　that　she　did；　my　precious　one；　I　was　so　glad　of　her；　it　was　a　

sort　of　having　him　again；　and　so　it　is　still　sometimes；　and　will　be　

more　so；　I　dare　say。　　I　am　very　thankful　for　her；　indeed　I　am；　and　I　

hope　I　am　not　repining；　for　it　does　not　signify　after　all；　in　the　end；　

if　I　am　weary　and　lonely　sometimes。　　I　wish　I　was　sure　it　was　not　

wrong。　　I　know　I　don't　wish　to　alter　things。'



'No；　I　am　sure　you　don't。'



'Ah！'　said　Amabel；　smiling；　'it　is　only　the　old；　silly　little　Amy　that　

does　feel　such　a　heart…aching　and　longing　for　one　glance　of　his　eye；　or　

touch　of　his　hand；　or　sound　of　his　foot　in　the　passage。　　Oh；　Mary；　the　

worst　of　all　is　to　wake　up；　after　dreaming　I　have　heard　his　voice。　　

There　is　nothing　for　it　but　to　take　our　baby　and　hold　her　very　tight。'



'Dearest　Amy！　　But　you　are　not　blaming　yourself　for　these　feelings。　　It　

might　be　wrong　to　indulge　them　and　foster　them；　but　while　you　struggle　

with　them；　they　can't　in　themselves　be　wrong。'



'I　hope　not；'　said　Amabel　pausing　to　think。　　'Yes；　I　have　〃the　joy〃　at　

the　bottom　still；　I　know　it　is　all　quite　right；　and　it　came　straight　

from　heaven；　as　he　said。　　I　can　get　happy　very　often　when　I　am　by　

myself；　or　at　church；　with　him；　it　is　only　when　I　miss　his　bright　

outside　and　can't　think　myself　into　the　inner　part；　that　it　is　so　

forlorn　and　dreary。　　I　can　do　pretty　well　alone。　　Only　I　wish　I　could　

help　being　so　troublesome　and　disagreeable　to　everybody'　said　Amy；　

concluding　in　a　matter…of…fact　tone。



'My　dear！'　said　Mary；　almost　laughing。



'It　is　so　stupid　of　me　to　be　always　poorly；　and　making　mamma　anxious　

when　there's　nothing　the　matter　with　me。　　And　I　know　I　am　a　check　on　

them　down…stairspapa；　and　Charlotte；　and　allthey　are　very　kind；　

considerate；　and　yet'she　paused'and　it　is　a　naughty　feeling；　but　

when　I　feel　all　those　dear　kind　eyes　watching　me　always；　and　wanting　me　

to　be　happy；　it　is　rather　oppressive；　especially　when　I　can't；　but　if　I　

try　not　to　disappoint　them；　I　do　make　such　a　bad　hand　of　it；　and　am　

sure　to　break　down　afterwards；　and　that　grieves　mamma　all　the　more。'



'It　will　be　better　when　this　time　of　year　is　over；'　said　Mary。



'Perhaps；　yes。　　He　always　seemed　to　belong　to　summer　days；　and　to　come　

with　them。　　Well；　I　suppose　trials　always　come　in　a　different　shape　

from　what　one　expects；　for　I　used　to　think　I　could　bear　all　the　doom　

with　him；　but；　I　did　not　know　it　would　be　without　him；　and　yet　that　is　

the　best。　　Oh；　baby！'



'I　should　not　have　come　to　disturb　her。'



'Nonever　mind；　she　never　settles　fairly　to　sleep　till　we　are　shut　in　

by　ourselves。　　Hush！　hush；　darlingNo？　　Will　nothing　do　but　being　

taken　up？　　Well；　then；　there！　　Come；　and　show　your　godmamma　what　a　

black　fringe　those　little　wakeful　eyes　are　getting。'



And　when　Mary　went　down　it　was　with　the　conviction　that　those　black　

eyelashes；　too　marked　to　he　very　pretty　in　so　young　a　babe；　were　more　

of　a　comfort　to　Amabel　than　anything　she　could　say。



The　evening　wore　on；　and　at　length　Laura　came　into　her　sister's　room。　　

She　looked　fagged　and　harassed；　the　old　face　she　used　to　wear　in　the　

time　of　disguise　and　secrecy；　Amabel　asked　if　it　had　been　a　tiresome　

party。



'YesnoI　don't　know。　　Just　like　others；'　said　Laura。



'You　are　tired；　at　any　rate；'　said　Amabel。　　'You　took　too　long　a　ride　

with　Philip。　I　saw　you　come　in　very　late。'



'I　am　not　in　the　least　tired；　thank　you。'



'Then　he　is；'　said　Amabel。　　'I　hope　he　has　not　one　of　his　headaches　

again。'



'No；'　said　Laura；　still　in　a　dissatisfied；　uncomfortable　tone。



'No？　　Dear　Laura；　I　am　sure　there　is　something　wrong；'　and　with　a　

little　more　of　her　winning；　pleading　kindness；　she　drew　from　Laura　that　

Philip　had　told　her　she　idolized　him。　　He　had　told　her　so　very　gently　

and　kindly；　but　he　had　said　she　idolized　him　in　a　manner　that　was　

neither　good　for　herself　nor　him；　and　he　went　on　to　blame　himself　for　

it；　which　was　what　she　could　not　bear。　　It　had　been　rankling　in　her　

mind　ever　since　that　he　had　found　fault　with　her　for　loving　him　so　

well；　and　it　had　made　her　very　unhappy。　　She　_could_　not　love　him　less；　

and　how　should　she　please　him？　　She　had　much　rather　he　had　blamed　her　

than　himself。



'I　think　I　see　what　he　means'　said　Amy；　thoughtfully。　　'He　has　grown　

afraid　of　himself；　and　afraid　of　being　admired　now。'



'But　how　am　I　to　help　that；　Amy？'　said　Laura；　with　tears　in　her　eyes：　

'he　cannot　help　being　the　first；　the　very　first　of　all　with　me'



'No；　no；'　said　Amy；　quickly；　'not　the　very　first；　or　what　would　you　do　

if　you　were　to　belike　me？　　Don't　turn　away；　dear　Laura；　I　don't　think　

I　over　could　bear　this　at　all；　if　dear　Guy　had　not　kept　it　always　

before　my　eyes　from　the　very　first　that　we　were　to　look　to　something　

else　besides　each　other。'



'Of　course　I　meant　the　first　earthly　thing；'　said　Laura；　but　it　was　not　

heartfeltshe　knew　she　ought；　therefore　she　thought　she　did。



'And　so；'　proceeded　Amy；　'I　think　if　that　other　is　first；　it　would　make　

you　have　some　other　standard　of　right　besides　himself；　then　you　would　

be　a　stay　and　help　to　him。　　I　think　that　is　what　he　means。'



'Amy！　let　me　ask　you；'　said　Laura；　a　little　entreatingly；　yet　as　if　she　

must　needs　put　the　question'surely；　you　never　thought　Guy　had　

faults？'



Her　colour　deepened。　　'Yes；　Laura；'　she　answered；　firmly。　　'I　could　not　

have　understood　his　repentance　if　I　had　not　thought　so。　　And；　dear　

Laura；　if　you　will　forgive　me　for　saying　it；　it　would　be　much　better　

for　yourself　and　Philip　if　you　would　see　the　truth。'



'I　thought　you　forgave　him；'　murmured　Laura。



'Oh；　Laura！　but　does　not　that　word　〃forgive〃　imply　something？　　I　could　

not　have　done　anything　to　comfort　him　that　day；　if　I　had　not　believed　

he　had　something　to　be　comforted　for。　　It　can't　b