donal grant-第87章

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our　own　way　to　the　ruin　of　everything　in　us　he　cares　for！〃

Then　the　spirit　awoke　in　Donalor　came　upon　himand　he　spoke。

〃My　lord；〃　he　said；　〃if　you　would　ever　again　be　able　to　thank　God；
if　there　be　one　in　the　other　world　to　whom　you　would　go；　if　you
would　make　up　for　any　wrong　you　have　ever　done；　if　you　would　ever
feel　in　your　soul　once　more　the　innocence　of　a　child；　if　you　care　to
call　God　your　father；　if　you　would　fall　asleep　in　peace　and　wake　to
a　new　life；　I　conjure　you　to　resist　the　devil；　to　give　up　the　evil
habit　that　is　dragging　you　lower　and　lower　every　hour。　It　will　be
very　hard；　I　know！　Anything　I　can　do；　watching　with　you　night　and
day；　giving　myself　to　help　you；　I　am　ready　for。　I　will　do　all　that
lies　in　me　to　deliver　you　from　the　weariness　and　sickness　of　the
endeavour。　I　will　give　my　life　to　strengthen　yours；　and　count　it
well　spent　and　myself　honoured：　I　shall　then　have　lived　a　life　worth
living！　Resolve；　my　lordin　God's　name　resolve　at　once　to　be　free。
Then　you　shall　know　you　have　a　free　will；　for　your　will　will　have
made　itself　free　by　doing　the　will　of　God　against　all　disinclination
of　your　own。　It　will　be　a　glorious　victory；　and　will　set　you　high　on
the　hill　whose　peak　is　the　throne　of　God。〃

〃I　will　begin　to…morrow；〃　said　the　earl　feebly；　and　with　a　strange
look　in　his　eyes。　〃But　now　you　must　leave　me。　I　need　solitude　to
strengthen　my　resolve。　Come　to　me　again　to…morrow。　I　am　weary；　and
must　rest　awhile。　Send　Simmons。〃

Donal　was　nowise　misled　by　the　easy；　postponed　consent；　but　he　could
not　prolong　the　interview。　He　rose　and　went。　In　the　act　of　shutting
the　door　behind　him；　something；　he　did　not　know　what；　made　him　turn
his　head：　the　earl　was　leaning　over　the　little　table　by　his　bedside；
and　pouring　something　from　a　bottle　into　a　glass。　Donal　stood
transfixed。　The　earl　turned　and　saw　him；　cast　on　him　a　look　of
almost　demoniacal　hate；　put　the　glass　to　his　lips　and　drank　off　its
contents；　then　threw　himself　back　on　his　pillows。　Donal　shut　the
doornot　so　softly　as　he　intended；　for　he　was　agitated；　a　loud
curse　at　the　noise　came　after　him。　He　went　down　the　stair　not　only
with　a　sense　of　failure；　but　with　an　exhaustion　such　as　he　had　never
before　felt。

There　are　men　of　natures　so　inactive　that　they　cannot　even　enjoy　the
sight　of　activity　around　them：　men　with　schemes　and　desires　are　in
their　presence　intrusive。　Their　existence　is　a　sleepy　lake；　which
would　not　be　troubled　even　with　the　wind　of　far…off　labour。　Such
lord　Morven　was　not　by　nature；　up　to　manhood　he　had　led　even　a
stormy　life。　But　when　his　passions　began　to　yield；　his
self…indulgence　began　to　take　the　form　of　laziness；　and　it　was　not
many　years　before　he　lay　with　never　a　struggle　in　the　chains　of　the
evil　power　which　had　now　reduced　him　to　moral　poltroonery。　The
tyranny　of　this　last　wickedness　grew　worse　after　the　death　of　his
wife。　The　one　object　of　his　life；　if　life　it　could　be　called；　was
only　and　ever　to　make　it　a　life　of　his　own；　not　the　life　which　God
had　meant　it　to　be；　and　had　made　possible　to　him。　On　first
acquaintance　with　the　moral　phenomenon；　it　had　seemed　to　Donal　an
inhuman　and　strangely　exceptional　one；　but　reflecting；　he　came
presently　to　see　that　it　was　only　a　more　pronounced　form　of　the
universal　human　diseasea　disease　so　deep…seated　that　he　who　has　it
worst；　least　knows　or　can　believe　that　he　has　any　disease；
attributing　all　his　discomfort　to　the　condition　of　things　outside
him；　whereas　his　refusal　to　accept　them　as　they　are；　is　one　most
prominent　symptom　of　the　disease。　Whether　by　stimulants　or
narcotics；　whether　by　company　or　ambition；　whether　by　grasping　or
study；　whether　by　self…indulgence；　by　art；　by　books；　by　religion；　by
love；　by　benevolence；　we　endeavour　after　another　life　than　that
which　God　means　for　usa　life　of　truth；　namely；　of　obedience；
humility；　and　self…forgetfulness；　we　walk　equally　in　a　vain　show。
For　God　alone　is；　and　without　him　we　are　not。　This　is　not　the　mere
clang　of　a　tinkling　metaphysical　cymbal；　he　that　endeavours　to　live
apart　from　God　must　at　length　findnot　merely　that　he　has　been
walking　in　a　vain　show；　but　that　he　has　been　himself　but　the　phantom
of　a　dream。　But　for　the　life　of　the　living　God；　making　him　be；　and
keeping　him　being；　he　must　fade　even　out　of　the　limbo　of　vanities！

He　more　and　more　seldom　went　out　of　the　house；　more　and　more　seldom
left　his　apartment。　At　times　he　would　read　a　great　deal；　then　for
days　would　not　open　a　book；　but　seem　absorbed　in　meditationa
meditation　which　had　nothing　in　it　worthy　of　the　name。　In　his
communications　with　Donal；　he　did　not　seem　in　the　least　aware　that
he　had　made　him　the　holder　of　a　secret　by　which　he　could　frustrate
his　plans　for　his　family。　These　plans　he　clung　to；　partly　from
paternity；　partly　from　contempt　for　society；　and　partly　in　the　fancy
of　repairing　the　wrong　he　had　done　his　children's　mother。　The
morally　diseased　will　atone　for　wrong　by　fresh　wrongin　its　turn　to
demand　like　reparation！　He　would　do　anything　now　to　secure　his　sons
in　the　position　of　which　in　law　he　had　deprived　them　by　the　wrong　he
had　done　the　woman　whom　all　had　believed　his　wife。　Through　the
marriage　of　the　eldest　with　the　heiress；　he　would　make　him　the　head
of　the　house　in　power　as　in　dignity；　and　this　was　now　almost　the
only　tie　that　bound　him　to　the　reality　of　things。　He　cared　little
enough　about　Forgue；　but　his　conscience　was　haunted　with　his
cruelties　to　the　youth's　mother。　These　were　often　such　as　I　dare　not
put　on　record：　they　came　all　of　the　pride　of　self…love　and
self…worshipas　evil　demons　as　ever　raged　in　the　fiercest　fire　of
Moloch。　In　the　madness　with　which　they　possessed　him；　he　had
inflicted　upon　her　not　only　sorest　humiliations；　but　bodily
tortures：　he　would　see；　he　said；　what　she　would　bear　for　his　sake！
In　the　horrible　presentments　of　his　drug…procured　dreams　they
returned　upon　him　in　terrible　forms　of　righteous　retaliation。　And
now；　though　to　himself　he　was　constantly　denying　a　life　beyond；　the
conviction　had　begun　to　visit　and　overwhelm　him　that　he　must　one　day
meet　her　again：　fain　then　would　he　be　armed　with　something　which　for
her　sake　he　had　done　for　her　children！　One　of　the　horrible　laws　of
the　false　existence　he　led　was　that；　for　the　deadening　of　the　mind
to　any　evil；　there　was　no　necessity　it　should　be　done　and　done
again；　it　had　but　to　be　presented　in　the　form　of　a　thing　done；　or　a
thing　going　to　be　done；　to　seem　a　thing　reasonable　and　doable。　In
his　being；　a　world　of　false　appearances　had　taken　the　place　of
reality；　a　creation　of　his　own　had　displaced　the　creation　of　the
essential　Life；　by　whose　power　alone　he　himself　falsely　created；　and
in　this　world　he　was　the　dupe　of　his　own　home…born　phantoms。　Out　of
this　conspiracy　of　marsh　and　mirage；　what　vile　things　might　not
issue！　Over　such　a　chaos　the　devil　has　power　all　but　creative。　He
cannot　in　truth　create；　but　he　can　with　the　degenerate　created　work
moral　horrors　too　hideous　to　be　analogized　by　any　of　the　horrors　of
the　unperfected　animal　world。　Such　are　being　constantly　produced　in
human　society；　many　of　them　die　in　the　darkness　in　which　they　are
generated；　now　and　then　one　issues；　blasting　the　public　day　with　its
hideous　glare。　Because　they　are　seldom　seen；　many　deny　they　exist；
or　need　be　spoken　of　if　they　do。　But　to　terrify　a　man　at　the
possibilities　of　his　neglected　nature；　is　to　do　something　towards
the　redemption　of　that　nature。

School…hours　were　over；　but　Davie　was　seated　where　he　had　left　him；
still　working。　At　sight　of　him　Donal；　feeling　as　if　he　had　just　come
from　the　presence　of　the　damned；　almost　burst　into　tears。　A　moment
more　and　Arctura　entered：　it　was　as　if　the　roof　of　hell　gave　way；
and　the　blue　sky　of　the　eternal　came　pouring　in　heavenly　deluge
through　the　ruined　vault。

〃I　have　been　to　call　upon　Sophia；〃　she　said。

〃I　am　glad　to　hear　it；〃　answered　Donal：　any　news　from　an　outer　world
of　yet　salvable　humanity　was　welcome　as　summer　to　a　land　of　ice。

〃Yes；〃　she　said；　〃I　am　able　to　go　and　see　her　now；　because　I　am　no
longer　afraid　of　herpartly；　I　think；　because　I　no　longer　care　what
she　thinks　of　me。　Her　power　over　me　is　gone。〃

〃And　will　never　return；〃