donal grant-第86章

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he　can　at　any　given　moment　be　conscious　of；　there　is　life；　the　power
of　the　eternal　behind　his　consciousness；　which　only　in　action　can　he
make　his　own；　of　which；　therefore；　only　in　action；　that　is
obedience；　can　he　become　conscious；　for　then　only　is　it　his。〃

〃You　are　splitting　a　hair！〃

〃If　the　only　way　to　life　lay　through　a　hair；　what　must　you　do　but
split　it？　The　fact；　however；　is；　that　he　who　takes　the　live　sphere
of　truth　for　a　flat　intellectual　disc；　may　well　take　the　disc's　edge
for　a　hair。〃

〃Come；　come！　how　does　all　this　apply　to　mea　man　who　would　really
like　to　make　up　his　mind　about　the　thing；　and　is　not　at　the　moment
aware　of　any　very　pressing　duty　that　he　is　neglecting　to　do？〃

〃Is　your　lordship　not　aware　of　some　not　very　pressing　duty　that　you
are　neglecting　to　do？　Some　duties　need　but　to　be　acknowledged　by　the
smallest　amount　of　action；　to　become　paramount　in　their　demands　upon
us。〃

〃That　is　the　worst　of　it！〃　murmured　the　earl。　〃I　refuse；　I　avoid
such　acknowledgment！　Who　knows　whither　it　might　carry　me；　or　what　it
might　not　go　on　to　demand　of　me！〃

He　spoke　like　one　unaware　that　he　spoke。

〃Yes；　my　lord；〃　said　Donal；　〃that　is　how　most　men　treat　the　greatest
things！　The　devil　blinds　us　that　he　may　guide　us！〃

〃The　devil！bah！〃　cried　his　lordship；　glad　to　turn　at　right　angles
from　the　path　of　the　conversation；　〃you　don't　surely　believe　in　that
legendary　personage？〃

〃He　who　does　what　the　devil　would　have　him　do；　is　the　man　who
believes　in　him；　not　he　who　does　not　care　whether　he　is　or　not；　so
long　as　he　avoids　doing　his　works。　If　there　be　such　a　one；　his　last
thought　must　be　to　persuade　men　of　his　existence！　He　is　a　subject　I
do　not　care　to　discuss；　he　is　not　very　interesting　to　me。　But　if
your　lordship　now　would　but　overcome　the　habit　of　depending　on
medicine；　you　would　soon　find　out　that　you　had　a　free　will。〃

His　lordship　scowled　like　a　thunder…cloud。

〃I　am　certain；　my　lord；〃　added　Donal；　〃that　the　least　question　asked
by　the　will　itself；　will　bring　an　answer；　a　thousand　asked　by　the
intellect；　will　bring　nothing。〃

〃I　did　not　send　for　you　to　act　the　part　of　father　confessor；　Mr。
Grant；〃　said　his　lordship；　in　a　tone　which　rather　perplexed　Donal；
〃but　as　you　have　taken　upon　you　the　office；　I　may　as　well　allow　you
keep　it；　the　matter　to　which　you　refer；　that　of　my　medical　treatment
of　myself；　is　precisely　what　has　brought　me　into　my　present
difficulty。　It　would　be　too　long　a　story　to　tell　you　how；　like　poor
Coleridge；　I　was　first　decoyed；　then　enticed　from　one　stage　to
another；　the　desire　to　escape　from　pain　is　a　natural　instinct；　and
that；　and　the　necessity　also　for　escaping　my　past　self；　especially
in　its　relations　to　certain　others；　have　brought　me　by　degrees　into
far　too　great　a　dependence　on　the　use　of　drugs。　And　now　that；　from
certain　symptoms；　I　have　ground　to　fear　a　change　of　some　kind　not　so
far　offI　do　not　of　course　mean　to…morrow；　or　next　year；　but
somewhere　nearer　than　it　was　this　time；　I　won't　say　last　year；　but
say　ten　years　agowhy；　then；　one　begins　to　think　about　things　one
has　been　too　ready　to　forget。　I　suppose；　however；　if　the　will　be　a
natural　possession　of　the　human　being；　and　if　a　man　should；　through
actions　on　the　tissue　of　his　brain；　have　ceased　to　be　conscious　of
any　will；　it　must　return　to　him　the　moment　he　is　free　from　the　body；
that　is　from　the　dilapidated　brain！〃

〃My　lord；　I　would　not　have　you　count　too　much　upon　that。　We　know
very　little　about　these　things；　but　what　if　the　brain　give　the
opportunity　for　the　action　which　is　to　result　in　freedom？　What　if
there　should；　without　the　brain；　be　no　means　of　working　our　liberty？
What　if　we　are　here　like　birds　in　a　cage；　with　wings；　able　to　fly
but　not　flying　about　the　cage；　and　what　if；　when　we　are　dead；　we
shall　indeed　be　out　of　the　cage；　but　without　wings；　having　never
made　use　of　such　as　we　had　while　we　had　them？　Think　for　a　moment
what　we　should　be　without　the　senses！〃

〃We　shall　be　able　at　least　to　see　and　hear；　else　where　were　the　use
of　believing　in　another　world？〃

〃I　suspect；　my　lord；　the　other　world　does　not　need　our　believing　in
it　to　make　a　fact　of　it。　But　if　a　man　were　never　to　teach　his　soul
to　see；　if　he　were　obstinately　to　close　his　eyes　upon　this　world；
and　look　at　nothing　all　the　time　he　was　in　it；　I　should　be　very
doubtful　whether　the　mere　fact　of　going　a　little　more　dead；　would
make　him　see。　The　soul　never　having　learned　to　see；　its　sense　of
seeing；　correspondent　to　and　higher　than　that　of　the　body；　never
having　been　developed；　how　should　it　expand　and　impower　itself　by
mere　deliverance　from　the　one　best　schoolmaster　to　whom　it　would
give　no　heed？　The　senses　are；　I　suspect；　only　the　husks　under　which
are　ripening　the　deeper；　keener；　better　senses　belonging　to　the　next
stage　of　our　life；　and　so；　my　lord；　I　cannot　think　that；　if　the　will
has　not　been　developed　through　the　means　and　occasions　given　in；　the
mere　passing　into　another　condition　will　set　it　free。　For　freedom　is
the　unclosing　of　the　idea　which　lies　at　our　root；　and　is　the　vital
power　of　our　existence。　The　rose　is　the　freedom　of　the　rose　tree。　I
should　think；　having　lost　his　brain；　and　got　nothing　instead；　a　man
would　find　himself　a　mere　centre　of　unanswerable　questions。〃

〃You　go　too　far　for　me；〃　said　his　lordship；　looking　a　little
uncomfortable；　〃but　I　think　it　is　time　to　try　and　break　myself　a
little　of　the　habitor　almost　time。　By　degrees　one　might；　you
know；eh？〃

〃I　have　little　faith　in　doing　things　by　degrees；　my　lordexcept
such　indeed　as　by　their　very　nature　cannot　be　done　at　once。　It　is
true　a　bad　habit　can　only　be　contracted　by　degrees；　and　I　will　not
say；　because　I　do　not　know；　whether　anyone　has　ever　cured　himself　of
one　by　degrees；　but　it　cannot　be　the　best　way。　What　is　bad　ought　to
be　got　rid　of　at　once。〃

〃Ah；　but；　don't　you　know？　that　might　cost　you　your　life！〃

〃What　of　that；　my　lord！　Life；　the　life　you　mean；　is　not　the　first
thing。〃

〃Not　the　first　thing！　Why；　the　Bible　says；　'All　that　a　man　hath　will
he　give　for　his　life'！〃

〃That　is　in　the　Bible；　but　whether　the　Bible　says　it；　is　another
thing。〃

〃I　do　not　understand　silly　distinctions。〃

〃Why；　my　lord；　who　said　that？〃

〃What　does　it　matter　who　said　it？〃

〃Much　always；　everything　sometimes。〃

〃Who　said　it　then？〃

〃The　devil。〃

〃The　devil　he　did！　And　who　ought　to　know　better；　I　should　like　to
ask！〃

〃Every　man　ought　to　know　better。　And　besides；　it　is　not　what　a　man
will　or　will　not　do；　but　what　a　man　ought　or　ought　not　to　do！〃

〃Ah；　there　you　have　me；　I　suppose！　But　there　are　some　things　so
damned　difficult；　that　a　man　must　be　very　sure　of　his　danger　before
he　can　bring　himself　to　do　them！〃

〃That　may　be；　my　lord：　in　the　present　case；　however；　you　must　be
aware　that　the　danger　is　not　to　the　bodily　health　alone；　these　drugs
undermine　the　moral　nature　as　well！〃

〃I　know　it：　I　cannot　be　counted　guilty　of　many　things；　they　were
done　under　the　influence　of　hellish　concoctions。　It　was　not　I；　but
these　things　working　in　meon　my　brain；　making　me　see　things　in　a
false　light！　This　will　be　taken　into　account　when　I　come　to　be
judgedif　there　be　such　a　thing　as　a　day　of　judgment。〃

〃One　thing　I　am　sure　of；〃　said　Donal；　〃that　your　lordship　will　have
fair　play。　At　first；　not　quite　knowing　what　you　were　about；　you　may
not　have　been　much　to　blame；　but　afterwards；　when　you　knew　that　you
were　putting　yourself　in　danger　of　doing　you　did　not　know　what；　you
were　as　much　to　blame　as　if　you　made　a　Frankenstein…demon；　and
turned　him　loose　on　the　earth；　knowing　yourself　utterly　unable　to
control　him。〃

〃And　is　not　that　what　the　God　you　believe　in　does　every　day？〃

〃My　lord；　the　God　I　believe　in　has　not　lost　his　control　over　either
of　us。〃

〃Then　let　him　set　the　thing　right！　Why　should　we　draw　his　plough？〃

〃He　will　set　it　right；　my　lord；but　probably　in　a　way　your　lordship
will　not　like。　He　is　compelled　to　do　terrible　things　sometimes。〃

〃Compelled！what　should　compel　him？〃

〃The　love　that　is　in　him；　the　love　that　he　is。　He　cannot　let　us　have
our　own　way　to　the　ruin　of　everything　in　us　he　cares　for！〃

Then　the　spirit　awoke　in　Donalor　came　upon　himand　he　spo