donal grant-第23章

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might　have　been　reading　the　Bible　itself？　　Besides；　the　Apocrypha
came　so　near　the　Bible　when　it　was　not　the　Bible！　it　must　be　at
least　rather　wicked！　　At　the　same　time　she　could　not　drive　from　her
mind　the　impressiveness　both　of　the　matter　she　had　heard；　and　his
manner　of　reading　it：　the　strong　sound　of　judgment　and　condemnation
in　it　came　home　to　hershe　could　not　have　told　how　or　why；　except
generally　because　of　her　sins。　　She　was　one　of　thosenot　very　few　I
thinkwho　from　conjunction　of　a　lovely　conscience　with　an
ill…instructed　mind；　are　doomed　for　a　season　to　much　suffering。　　She
was　largely　different　from　her　friend：　the　religious　opinions　of　the
latterthey　were　in　reality　rather　metaphysical　than　religious；　and
bad　either　waythough　she　clung　to　them　with　all　the　tenacity　of　a
creature　with　claws；　occasioned　her　not　an　atom　of　mental
discomposure：　perhaps　that　was　in　part　why　she　clung　to　them！　they
were　as　she　would　have　them！　　She　did　not　trouble　herself　about　what
God　required　of　her；　beyond　holding　the　doctrine　the　holding　of
which　guaranteed；　as　she　thought；　her　future　welfare。　　Conscience
toward　God　had　very　little　to　do　with　her　opinions；　and　her　heart
still　less。　　Her　head　on　the　contrary；　perhaps　rather　her　memory；
was　considerably　occupied　with　the　matter；　nothing　she　held　had　ever
been　by　her　regarded　on　its　own　meritsthat　is；　on　its　individual
claim　to　truth；　if　it　had　been　handed　down　by　her　church；　that　was
enough；　to　support　it　she　would　search　out　text　after　text；　and
press　it　into　the　service。　　Any　meaning　but　that　which　the　church　of
her　fathers　gave　to　a　passage　must　be　of　the　devil；　and　every　man
opposed　to　the　truth　who　saw　in　that　meaning　anything　but　truth！　　It
was　indeed　impossible　Miss　Carmichael　should　see　any　meaning　but
that；　even　if　she　had　looked　for　it；　she　was　nowise　qualified　for
discovering　truth；　not　being　herself　true。　　What　she　saw　and　loved
in　the　doctrines　of　her　church　was　not　the　truth；　but　the　assertion；
and　whoever　questioned；　not　to　say　the　doctrine；　but　even　the
proving　of　it　by　any　particular　passage；　was　a　dangerous　person；　and
unsound。　　All　the　time　her　acceptance　and　defence　of　any　doctrine
made　not　the　slightest　difference　to　her　lifeas　indeed　how　should
it？

Such　was　the　only　friend　lady　Arctura　had。　　But　the　conscience　and
heart　of　the　younger　woman　were　alive　to　a　degree　that　boded　ill
either　for　the　doctrine　that　stinted　their　growth；　or　the　nature
unable　to　cast　it　off。　　Miss　Carmichael　was　a　woman　about
six…and…twentyand　had　been　a　woman；　like　too　many　Scotch　girls；
long　before　she　was　out　of　her　teensa　human　flower　cut　and
driedan　unpleasant　specimen；　and　by　no　means　valuable　from　its
scarcity。　　Self…sufficient；　assured；　with　scarce　shyness　enough　for
modesty；　handsome　and　hard；　she　was　essentially　a　self…glorious
Philistine；　nor　would　she　be　anything　better　till　something　was　sent
to　humble　her；　though　what　spiritual　engine　might　be　equal　to　the
task　was　not　for　man　to　imagine。　　She　was　clever；　but　her　cleverness
made　nobody　happier；　she　had　great　confidence；　but　her　confidence
gave　courage　to　no　one；　and　took　it　from　many；　she　had　little　fancy；
and　less　imagination　than　any　other　I　ever　knew。　　The　divine　wonder
was；　that　she　had　not　yet　driven　the　delicate；　truth…loving　Arctura
mad。　　From　her　childhood　she　had　had　the　ordering　of　all　her
opinions：　whatever　Sophy　Carmichael　said；　lady　Arctura　never　thought
of　questioning。　　A　lie　is　indeed　a　thing　in　its　nature　unbelievable；
but　there　is　a　false　belief　always　ready　to　receive　the　false　truth；
and　there　is　no　end　to　the　mischief　the　two　can　work。　　The　awful
punishment　of　untruth　in　the　inward　parts　is　that　the　man　is　given
over　to　believe　a　lie。

Lady　Arctura　was　in　herself　a　gentle　creature　who　shrank　from　either
giving　or　receiving　a　rough　touch；　but　she　had　an　inherited　pride；
by　herself　unrecognized　as　such；　which　made　her　capable　of　hurting
as　well　as　being　hurt。　　Next　to　the　doctrines　of　the　Scottish
church；　she　respected　her　own　family：　it　had　in　truth　no　other　claim
to　respect　than　that　its　little　good　and　much　evil　had　been　done
before　the　eyes　of　a　large　part　of　many　generationswhence　she　was
born　to　think　herself　distinguished；　and　to　imagine　a　claim　for　the
acknowledgment　of　distinction　upon　all　except　those　of　greatly
higher　rank　than　her　own。　　This　inborn　arrogance　was　in　some　degree
modified　by　respect　for　the　writers　of　certain　booksnot　one　of
whom　was　of　any　regard　in　the　eyes　of　the　thinkers　of　the　age。　　Of
any　writers　of　power；　beyond　those　of　the　Bible；　either　in　this
country　or　another；　she　knew　nothing。　　Yet　she　had　a　real　instinct
for　what　was　good　in　literature；　and　of　the　writers　to　whom　I　have
referred　she　not　only　liked　the　worthiest　best；　but　liked　best　their
best　things。　　I　need　hardly　say　they　were　all　religious　writers；　for
the　keen　conscience　and　obedient　heart　of　the　girl　had　made　her　very
early　turn　herself　towards　the　quarter　where　the　sun　ought　to　rise；
the　quarter　where　all　night　long　gleams　the　auroral　hope；　but
unhappily　she　had　not　gone　direct　to　the　heavenly　well　in　earthly
groundthe　words　of　the　Master　himself。　　How　could　she？　　From　very
childhood　her　mind　had　been　filled　with　traditionary　utterances
concerning　the　divine　character　and　the　divine　plansthe　merest
inventions　of　men　far　more　desirous　of　understanding　what　they　were
not　required　to　understand；　than　of　doing　what　they　were　required　to
dowhence　their　crude　and　false　utterances　concerning　a　God　of
their　own　fancyin　whom　it　was　a　good　man's　duty；　in　the　name　of
any　possible　God；　to　disbelieve；　and　just　because　she　was　true；
authority　had　immense　power　over　her。　　The　very　sweetness　of　their
nature　forbids　such　to　doubt　the　fitness　of　others。

She　had　besides　had　a　governess　of　the　orthodox　type；　a　large
proportion　of　whose　teaching　was　of　the　worst　heresy；　for　it　was
lies　against　him　who　is　light；　and　in　whom　is　no　darkness　at　all；
her　doctrines　were　so　many　smoked　glasses　held　up　between　the　mind
of　her　pupil　and　the　glory　of　the　living　God；　nor　had　she　once
directed　her　gaze　to　the　very　likeness　of　God；　the　face　of　Jesus
Christ。　　Had　Arctura　set　herself　to　understand　him　the　knowledge　of
whom　is　eternal　life；　she　would　have　believed　none　of　these　false
reports　of　him；　but　she　had　not　yet　met　with　any　one　to　help　her　to
cast　aside　the　doctrines　of　men；　and　go　face　to　face　with　the　Son　of
Man；　the　visible　God。　First　lie　of　all；　she　had　been　taught　that　she
must　believe　so　and　so　before　God　would　let　her　come　near　him　or
listen　to　her。　　The　old　cobbler　could　have　taught　her　differently；
but　she　would　have　thought　it　improper　to　hold　conversation　with
such　a　man；　even　if　she　had　known　him　for　the　best　man　in　Auchars。
She　was　in　sore　and　sad　earnest　to　believe　as　she　was　told　she　must
believe；　therefore　instead　of　beginning　to　do　what　Jesus　Christ
said；　she　tried　hard　to　imagine　herself　one　of　the　chosen；　tried
hard　to　believe　herself　the　chief　of　sinners。　　There　was　no　one　to
tell　her　that　it　is　only　the　man　who　sees　something　of　the　glory　of
God；　the　height　and　depth　and　breadth　and　length　of　his　love　and
unselfishness；　not　a　child　dabbling　in　stupid　doctrines；　that　can
feel　like　St。　Paul。　She　tried　to　feel　that　she　deserved　to　be　burned
in　hell　for　ever　and　ever；　and　that　it　was　boundlessly　good　of
Godwho　made　her　so　that　she　could　not　help　being　a　sinnerto　give
her　the　least　chance　of　escaping　it。　　She　tried　to　feel　that；　though
she　could　not　be　saved　without　something　which　the　God　of　perfect
love　could　give　her　if　he　pleased；　but　might　not　please　to　give　her；
yet　if　she　was　not　saved　it　would　be　all　her　own　fault：　and　so　ever
the　round　of　a　great　miserable　treadmill　of　contradictions！　　For　a
moment　she　would　be　able　to　say　this　or　that　she　thought　she　ought
to　say；　the　next　the　feeling　would　be　gone；　and　she　as　miserable　as
before。　　Her　friend　made　no　attempt　to　imbue　her　with　her　own　calm
indifference；　nor　could　she　have　succeeded　had　she　attempted　it。
But　though　she　had　never　been　troubled　herself；　and　that　because
she　had　never　been　in　earnest；　she　did　not　find　it　the　less　easy　to
take　upon　her