father goriot-第69章

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the　theatre　with　them　in　their　carriage；　I　might　stay　as　long　as

I　cared　to　stay　at　their　evening　parties。　In　fact；　they

acknowleged　me　their　father；　publicly　they　owned　that　they　were

my　daughters。　But　I　was　always　a　shrewd　one；　you　see；　and　nothing

was　lost　upon　me。　Everything　went　straight　to　the　mark　and

pierced　my　heart。　I　saw　quite　well　that　it　was　all　sham　and

pretence；　but　there　is　no　help　for　such　things　as　these。　I　felt

less　at　my　ease　at　their　dinner…table　than　I　did　downstairs　here。

I　had　nothing　to　say　for　myself。　So　these　grand　folks　would　ask

in　my　son…in…law's　ear；　'Who　may　that　gentleman　be？''The

father…in…law　with　the　money　bags；　he　is　very　rich。''The　devil；

e　is！'　they　would　say；　and　look　again　at　me　with　the　respect　due

to　my　money。　Well；　if　I　was　in　the　way　sometimes；　I　paid　dearly

for　my　mistakes。　And　besides；　who　is　perfect？　（My　head　is　one

sore！）　Dear　Monsieur　Eugene；　I　am　suffering　so　now；　that　a　man

might　die　of　the　pain；　but　it　is　nothing　to　be　compared　with　the

pain　I　endured　when　Anastasie　made　me　feel；　for　the　first　time；

that　I　had　said　something　stupid。　She　looked　at　me；　and　that

glance　of　hers　opened　all　my　veins。　I　used　to　want　to　know

everything；　to　be　learned；　and　one　thing　I　did　learn　thoroughly

I　knew　that　I　was　not　wanted　here　on　earth。



〃The　next　day　I　went　to　Delphine　for　comfort；　and　what　should　I

do　there　but　make　some　stupid　blunder　that　made　her　angry　with

me。　I　was　like　one　driven　out　of　his　senses。　For　a　week　I　did　not

know　what　to　do；　I　did　not　dare　to　go　to　see　them　for　fear　they

should　reproach　me。　And　that　was　how　they　both　turned　me　out　of

the　house。



〃Oh　God！　Thou　knowest　all　the　misery　and　anguish　that　I　have

endured；　Thou　hast　counted　all　the　wounds　that　have　been　dealt　to

me　in　these　years　that　have　aged　and　changed　me　and　whitened　my

hair　and　drained　my　life；　why　dost　Thou　make　me　to　suffer　so　to…

day？　Have　I　not　more　than　expiated　the　sin　of　loving　them　too

much？　They　themselves　have　been　the　instruments　of　vengeance；

they　have　tortured　me　for　my　sin　of　affection。



〃Ah；　well！　fathers　know　no　better；　I　loved　them　so；　I　went　back

to　them　as　a　gambler　goes　to　the　gaming　table。　This　love　was　my

vice；　you　see；　my　mistressthey　were　everything　in　the　world　to

me。　They　were　always　wanting　something　or　other；　dresses　and

ornaments；　and　what　not；　their　maids　used　to　tell　me　what　they

wanted；　and　I　used　to　give　them　the　things　for　the　sake　of　the

welcome　that　they　bought　for　me。　But；　at　the　same　time；　they　used

to　give　me　little　lectures　on　my　behavior　in　society；　they　began

about　it　at　once。　Then　they　began　to　feel　ashamed　of　me。　That　is

what　comes　of　having　your　children　well　brought　up。　I　could　not

go　to　school　again　at　my　time　of　life。　（This　pain　is　fearful！　MON

DIEU！　These　doctors！　these　doctors！　If　they　would　open　my　head；

it　would　give　me　some　relief！）　Oh；　my　daughters；　my　daughters！

Anastasie！　Delphine！　If　I　could　only　see　them！　Send　for　the

police；　and　make　them　come　to　me！　Justice　is　on　my　side；　the

whole　world　is　on　my　side；　I　have　natural　rights；　and　the　law

with　me。　I　protest！　The　country　will　go　to　ruin　if　a　father's

rights　are　trampled　under　foot。　That　is　easy　to　see。　The　whole

world　turns　on　fatherly　love；　fatherly　love　is　the　foundation　of

society；　it　will　crumble　into　ruin　when　children　do　not　love

their　fathers。　Oh！　if　I　could　only　see　them；　and　hear　them；　no

matter　what　they　said；　if　I　could　simply　hear　their　voices；　it

would　soothe　the　pain。　Delphine！　Delphine　most　of　all。　But　tell

them　when　they　come　not　to　look　so　coldly　at　me　as　they　do。　Oh！

my　friend；　my　good　Monsieur　Eugene；　you　do　not　know　that　it　is

when　all　the　golden　light　in　a　glance　suddenly　turns　to　a　leaden

gray。　It　has　been　one　long　winter　here　since　the　light　in　their

eyes　shone　no　more　for　me。　I　have　had　nothing　but　disappointments

to　devour。　Disappointment　has　been　my　daily　bread；　I　have　lived

on　humiliation　and　insults。　I　have　swallowed　down　all　the

affronts　for　which　they　sold　me　my　poor　stealthy　little　moments

of　joy；　for　I　love　them　so！　Think　of　it！　a　father　hiding　himself

to　get　a　glimpse　of　his　children！　I　have　given　all　my　life　to

them；　and　to…day　they　will　not　give　me　one　hour！　I　am　hungering

and　thirsting　for　them；　my　heart　is　burning　in　me；　but　they　will

not　come　to　bring　relief　in　the　agony；　for　I　am　dying　now；　I　feel

that　this　is　death。　Do　they　not　know　what　it　means　to　trample　on

a　father's　corpse？　There　is　a　God　in　heaven　who　avenges　us

fathers　whether　we　will　or　no。



〃Oh！　they　will　come！　Come　to　me；　darlings；　and　give　me　one　more

kiss；　one　last　kiss；　the　Viaticum　for　your　father；　who　will　pray

God　for　you　in　heaven。　I　will　tell　Him　that　you　have　been　good

children　to　your　father；　and　plead　your　cause　with　God！　After

all；　it　is　not　their　fault。　I　tell　you　they　are　innocent；　my

friend。　Tell　every　one　that　it　is　not　their　fault；　and　no　one

need　be　distressed　on　my　account。　It　is　all　my　own　fault；　I

taught　them　to　trample　upon　me。　I　loved　to　have　it　so。　It　is　no

one's　affair　but　mine；　man's　justice　and　God's　justice　have

nothing　to　do　in　it。　God　would　be　unjust　if　He　condemned　them　for

anything　they　may　have　done　to　me。　I　did　not　behave　to　them

properly；　I　was　stupid　enough　to　resign　my　rights。　I　would　have

humbled　myself　in　the　dust　for　them。　What　could　you　expect？　The

most　beautiful　nature；　the　noblest　soul；　would　have　been　spoiled

by　such　indulgence。　I　am　a　wretch；　I　am　justly　punished。　I；　and　I

only；　am　to　blame　for　all　their　sins；　I　spoiled　them。　To…day　they

are　as　eager　for　pleasure　as　they　used　to　be　for　sugar…plums。

When　they　were　little　girls　I　indulged　them　in　every　whim。　They

had　a　carriage　of　their　own　when　they　were　fifteen。　They　have

never　been　crossed。　I　am　guilty；　and　not　theybut　I　sinned

through　love。



〃My　heart　would　open　at　the　sound　of　their　voices。　I　can　hear

them；　they　are　coming。　Yes！　yes！　they　are　coming。　The　law　demands

that　they　should　be　present　at　their　father's　deathbed；　the　law

is　on　my　side。　It　would　only　cost　them　the　hire　of　a　cab。　I　would

pay　that。　Write　to　them；　tell　them　that　I　have　millions　to　leave

to　them！　On　my　word　of　honor；　yes。　I　am　going　to　manufacture

Italian　paste　foods　at　Odessa。　I　understand　the　trade。　There　are

millions　to　be　made　in　it。　Nobody　has　thought　of　the　scheme　as

yet。　You　see；　there　will　be　no　waste；　no　damage　in　transit；　as

there　always　is　with　wheat　and　flour。　Hey！　hey！　and　starch　too；

there　are　millions　to　be　made　in　the　starch　trade！　You　will　not

be　telling　a　lie。　Millions；　tell　them；　and　even　if　they　really

come　because　they　covet　the　money；　I　would　rather　let　them

deceive　me；　and　I　shall　see　them　in　any　case。　I　want　my　children！

I　gave　them　life；　they　are　mine；　mine！〃　and　he　sat　upright。　The

head　thus　raised；　with　its　scanty　white　hair；　seemed　to　Eugene

like　a　threat；　every　line　that　could　still　speak　spoke　of　menace。



〃There；　there；　dear　father；〃　said　Eugene；　〃lie　down　again；　I　will

write　to　them　at　once。　As　soon　as　Bianchon　comes　back　I　will　go

for　them　myself；　if　they　do　not　come　before。〃



〃If　they　do　not　come？〃　repeated　the　old　man；　sobbing。　〃Why；　I

shall　be　dead　before　then；　I　shall　die　in　a　fit　of　rage；　of　rage！

Anger　is　getting　the　better　of　me。　I　can　see　my　whole　life　at

this　minute。　I　have　been　cheated！　They　do　not　love　methey　have

never　loved　me　all　their　lives！　It　is　all　clear　to　me。　They　have

not　come；　and　they　will　not　come。　The　longer　they　put　off　their

coming；　the　less　they　are　likely　to　give　me　this　joy。　I　know

them。　They　have　never　cared　to　guess　my　disappointments；　my

sorrows；　my　wants；　they　never　cared　to　know　my　life；　they　will

have　no　presentiment　of　my　death；　they　do　not　even　know　the

secret　of　my　tenderness　for　them。　Yes；　I　see　it　all　now。　I　have

laid　my　heart　open　so　often；　that　they　take　everything　I　do　for

them　as　a　matter　of　course。　They　might　have　asked　me　for　the　very

eyes　out　of　my　head　and　I　would　ha