the turmoil-第57章

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of　wonder。　　〃You've　given　upto　your　father；〃　she　said；　slowly；　〃and　then　you

came　to　ask　me〃　　She　broke　off。　　〃Bibbs；　do　you　want　me　to　marry　you？〃



〃Yes；〃　he　said；　just　audibly。



〃No！〃　she　cried。　　〃You　do　not。　　Then　what　made　you　ask　me？　　What　is　it　that's

happened？〃



〃Nothing。〃



〃Wait；〃　she　said。　　〃Let　me　think。　　It's　something　that　happened　since　our　walk

this　morningyes；　since　you　left　me　at　noon。　　Something　happened　that〃　　She

stopped　abruptly；　with　a　tremulous　murmur　of　amazement　and　dawning

comprehension。　　She　remembered　that　Sibyl　had　gone　to　the　New　House。



Bibbs　swallowed　painfully　and　contrived　to　say；　〃I　doI　do　want　you　to

marry　me；　ififyou　could。〃



She　looked　at　him；　and　slowly　shook　her　head。　　〃Bibbs；　do　you〃　　Her　voice

was　as　unsteady　as　hislittle　more　than　a　whisper。　　〃Do　you　think　I'm　in

love　with　you？〃



〃No；〃　he　said。



Somewhere　in　the　still　air　of　the　room　there　was　a　whispered　word；　it　did　not

seem　to　come　from　Mary's　parted　lips；　but　he　was　aware　of　it。　〃Why？〃



〃I've　had　nothing　but　dreams；〃　Bibbs　said；　desolately；　〃but　they　weren't　like

that。　　Sibyl　said　no　girl　could　care　about　me。〃　　He　smiled　faintly；　though

still　he　did　not　look　at　Mary。　　〃And　when　I　first　came　home　Edith　told　me

Sibyl　was　so　anxious　to　marry　that　she'd　have　married　ME。　　She　meant　it　to

express　Sibyl's　extremeity；　you　see。　　But　I　hardly　needed　either　of　them　to

tell　me。　　I　hadn't　thought　of　myself　aswell；　not　as　particularly

captivating！〃



Oddly　enough；　Mary's　pallor　changed　to　an　angry　flush。　　〃Those　two！〃　she

exclaimed；　sharply；　and　then；　with　thoroughgoing　contempt：　〃Lamhorn！　That's

like　them！〃　　She　turned　away；　went　to　the　bare　little　black　mantel；　and　stood

leaning　upon　it。　　Presently　she　asked：　〃WHEN　did　Mrs。　Roscoe　Sheridan　say　that

'no　girl'　could　care　about　you？〃



〃To…day。〃



Mary　drew　a　deep　breath。　　〃I　think　I'm　beginning　to　understanda　little。〃

She　bit　her　lip；　there　was　anger　in　good　truth　in　her　eyes　and　in　her　voice。

〃Answer　me　once　more；〃　she　said。　　〃Bibbs；　do　you　know　now　why　I　stopped

wearing　my　furs？〃



〃Yes。〃



〃I　thought　so！　　Your　sister…in…law　told　you；　didn't　she？〃



〃II　heard　her　say〃



〃I　think　I　know　what　happened；　now。〃　　Mary's　breath　came　fast　and　her　voice

shook；　but　she　spoke　rapidly。　　〃You　'heard　her　say'　more　than　that。　You　'heard

her　say'　that　we　were　bitterly　poor；　and　on　that　account　I　tried　first　to

marry　your　brotherand　then〃　　But　now　she　faltered；　and　it　was　only　after　a

convulsive　effort　that　she　was　able　to　go　on。　〃And　thenthat　I　tried　to

marryyou！　　You　'heard　her　say'　that　and　you　believe　that　I　don't　care　for

you　and　that　'no　girl'　could　care　for　youbut　you　think　I　am　in　such　an

'extremity；'　as　Sibyl　wasthat　you　　And　so；　not　wanting　me；　and　believing

that　I　could　not　want　you　except　for　my　'extremity'you　took　your　father's

offer　and　then　came　to　ask　meto　marry　you！　　What　had　I　shown　you　of　myself

that　could　make　you〃



Suddenly　she　sank　down；　kneeling；　with　her　face　buried　in　her　arms　upon　the

lap　of　a　chair；　tears　overwhelming　her。



〃Mary；　Mary！〃　he　cried；　helplessly。　　〃Oh　NOyouyou　don't　understand。〃



〃I　do；　though！〃　she　sobbed。　　〃I　do！〃



He　came　and　stood　beside　her。　　〃You　kill　me！〃　he　said。　　〃I　can't　make　it

plain。　　From　the　first　of　your　loveliness　to　me；　I　was　all　self。　　It　was

always　you　that　gave　and　I　that　took。　　I　was　the　dependentI　did　nothing　but

lean　on　you。　　We　always　talked　of　me；　not　of　you。　　It　was　all　about　my　idiotic

distresses　and　troubles。　　I　thought　of　you　as　a　kind　of　wonderful　being　that

had　no　mortal　or　human　suffering　except　by　sympathy。　You　seemed　to　lean

downout　of　a　rosy　cloudto　be　kind　to　me。　　I　never　dreamed　I　could　do

anything　for　YOU！　　I　never　dreamed　you　could　need　anything　to　be　done　for　you

by　anybody。　　And　to…day　I　heard　thatthat　you〃



〃You　heard　that　I　needed　to　marrysome　oneanybodywith　money；〃　she　sobbed。

〃And　you　thought　we　were　soso　desperateyou　believed　that　I　had〃



〃No！〃　he　said；　quickly。　　〃I　didn't　believe　you'd　done　one　kind　thing　for

mefor　that。　　No；　no；　no！　　I　knew　you'd　NEVER　thought　of　me　except

generouslyto　give。　　I　said　I　couldn't　make　it　plain！〃　he　cried；

despairingly。



〃Wait！〃　　She　lifted　her　head　and　extended　her　hands　to　him　unconsciously；　like

a　child。　　〃Help　me　up；　Bibbs。〃　　Then；　when　she　was　once　more　upon　her　feet；

she　wiped　her　eyes　and　smiled　upon　him　ruefully　and　faintly；　but　reassuringly；

as　if　to　tell　him；　in　that　way；　that　she　knew　he　had　not　meant　to　hurt　her。

And　that　smile　of　hers；　so　lamentable；　but　so　faithfully　friendly；　misted　his

own　eyes；　for　his　shamefacedness　lowered　them　no　more。



〃Let　me　tell　you　what　you　want　to　tell　me；〃　she　said。　　〃You　can't；　because　you

can't　put　it　into　wordsthey　are　too　humiliating　for　me　and　you're　too　gentle

to　say　them。　　Tell　me；　though；　isn't　it　true？　　You　didn't　believe　that　I'd

tried　to　make　you　fall　in　love　with　me〃



〃Never！　　Never　for　an　instant！〃



〃You　didn't　believe　I'd　tried　to　make　you　want　to　marry　me〃



〃No；　no；　no！〃



〃I　believe　it；　Bibbs。　　You　thought　that　I　was　fond　of　you；　you　knew　I　cared

for　youbut　you　didn't　think　I　might　bein　love　with　you。　　But　you　thought

that　I　might　marry　you　without　being　in　love　with　you　because　you　did　believe

I　had　tried　to　marry　your　brother；　and〃



〃Mary；　I　only　knewfor　the　first　timethat　youthat　you　were〃



〃Were　desperately　poor；〃　she　said。　　〃You　can't　even　say　that！　　Bibbs；　it　was

true：　I　did　try　to　make　Jim　want　to　marry　me。　　I　did！〃　　And　she　sank　down　into

the　chair；　weeping　bitterly　again。　　Bibbs　was　agonized。



〃Mary；〃　he　groaned；　〃I　didn't　know　you　COULD　cry！〃



〃Listen；〃　she　said。　　〃Listen　till　I　get　throughI　want　you　to　understand。　　We

were　poor；　and　we　weren't　fitted　to　be。　　We　never　had　been；　and　we　didn't　know

what　to　do。　　We'd　been　almost　rich；　there　was　plenty；　but　my　father　wanted　to

take　advantage　of　the　growth　of　the　town；　he　wanted　to　be　richer；　but

insteadwell；　just　about　the　time　your　father　finished　building　next　door　we

found　we　hadn't　anything。　　People　say　that；　sometimes；　meaning　that　they

haven't　anything　in　comparison　with　other　people　of　their　own　kind；　but　we

really　hadn't　anythingwe　hadn't　anything　at　all；　Bibbs！　　And　we　couldn't　DO

anything。　　You　might　wonder　why　I　didn't　'try　to　be　a　stenographer'and　I

wonder　myself　why；　when　a　family　loses　its　money；　people　always　say　the

daughters　'ought　to　go　and　be　stenographers。'　　It's　curious！as　if　a　wave　of

the　hand　made　you　into　a　stenographer。　　No；　I'd　been　raised　to　be　either

married　comfortably　or　a　well…to…do　old　maid；　if　I　chose　not　to　marry。　　The

poverty　came　on　slowly；　Bibbs；　but　at　last　it　was　all　thereand　I　didn't　know

how　to　be　a　stenographer。　　I　didn't　know　how　to　be　anything　except　a

well…to…do　old　maid　or　somebody's　wifeand　I　couldn't　be　a　well…to…do　old

maid。　　Then；　Bibbs；　I　did　what　I'd　been　raised　to　know　how　to　do。　　I　went　out

to　be　fascinating　and　be　married。　　I　did　it　openly；　at　least；　and　with　a　kind

of　decent　honesty。　　I　told　your　brother　I　had　meant　to　fascinate　him　and　that

I　was　not　in　love　with　him；　but　I　let　him　think　that　perhaps　I　meant　to　marry

him。　　I　think　I　did　mean　to　mary　him。　　I　had　never　cared　for　anybody；　and　I

thought　it　might　be　there　really　WASN'T　anything　more　than　a　kind　of　excited

fondness。　　I　can't　be　sure；　but　I　think　that　though　I　did　mean　to　marry　him　I

never　should　have　done　it；　because　that　sort　of　a　marriage　isit's

sacrilegesomething　would　have　stopped　me。　Something　did　stop　me；　it　was　your

sister…in…law；　Sibyl。　　She　meant　no　harmbut　she　was　horrible；　and　she　put

what　I　was　doing　into　such　horrible　wordsand　they　were　the　truthoh！　I　SAW

myself！　　She　was　proposing　a　miserable　compact　with　meand　I　couldn't　breathe

the　air　of　the　same　room　with　her；　though　I'd　so　cheapened　myself　she　had　a

right　to　assume　that　I　WOULD。　　But　I　couldn't！　　I　left　her；　and　I　wrote　to

your　brotherjust　a　quick　scrawl。　　I　to