the cost-第29章
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ith herself on horseback； usually finding herself able there to drown mental distress in the surge of physical exultation。
As he still did not speak she looked at himand could not look away。 She had not seen that expression since their final hour together at Battle Field； though in these few last months she had been remembering it so exactly； had been wondering； doubting whether she could not bring it to his face again； had been forbidding herself to long to see it。 And there it was； unchanged like all the inflexible purposes that made his character and his career。 And back to her came； as it had come many and many a time in those years； the story he had told her of his father and mother； of his father's love for his motherhow it had enfolded her from the harshness and peril of pioneer life； had enfolded her in age no less than in youth； had gone down into and through the Valley of the Shadow with her； had not left her even at the gates of Death； but had taken him on with her into the Beyond。 And Pauline trembled； an enormous joy thrilling through and through her。
〃Don't！〃 she said uncertainly。 〃Don't look at me like that； PLEASE！〃
〃You were crying；〃 he said abruptly。 He stood before her； obviously one who had conquered the respect of the world in fair； open battle； and has the courage that is for those only who have tested their strength and know it will not fail them。 And the sight of him； the look of him； filled her not with the mere belief； but with the absolute conviction that no malign power in all the world or in the mystery round the world could come past him to her to harass or harm her。 The doubts； the sense of desolation that had so agitated her a few minutes before now seemed trivial； weak； unworthy。
She lowered her eyesshe had thought he would not observe the slight traces of the tears she had carefully wiped away。 She clasped her hands meekly and lookedand feltlike a guilty child。 The coldness； the haughtiness were gone from her face。
〃Yes；〃 she said shyly。 〃YesII〃 She lifted her eyesher tears had made them as soft and luminous as the eyes of a child just awake from a long； untroubled sleep。 〃Butyou must not ask me。 It's nothing that can be helped。 Besides； it seems nothingnow。〃 She forced a faint smile。 〃If you knew what a comfort it is to cry you'd try it。〃
〃I have；〃 he replied。 Then after a pause he added： 〃Once。〃 Something in his toneshe did not venture to look at him againmade her catch her breath。 She instantly and instinctively knew when that 〃once〃 was。 〃I don't care to try it again； thank you；〃 he went on。 〃But it made me able to understand what sort of comfort you were getting。 ForYOU don't cry easily。〃
The katydids were clamoring drowsily in the tops of the sycamores。 From out of sight beyond the orchard came the monotonous； musical whir of a reaper。 A quail whistled his pert； hopeful； careless 〃Bob White！〃 from the rail fence edging the wheat field。 A bumblebee grumbled among a cluster of swaying clover blossoms which the mower had spared。 And the breeze tossed up and rolled over the meadow； over the senses of the young man and the young woman； great billows of that perfume which is the combined essence of all nature's love philters。
Pauline sank on the hay； and Scarborough stretched himself on the ground at her feet。 〃For a long time it's been getting darker and darker for me；〃 she began； in the tone of one who is talking of some past sorrow which casts a retreating shadow over present joy to make it the brighter by contrast。 〃To…daythis afternoon it seemed as if the light were just about to go outfor good and all。 And I came here。 I found myself lying on the groundon the bosom of this old cruelkind mother of ours。 And〃 She did not finishhe would know the rest。 Besides； what did it matternow？
He said： 〃If only there were some way in which I could help。〃
〃It isn't the people who appear at the crises of one's life； like the hero on the stage； that really help。 I'm afraid the crises； the real crises of real life； must always be met alone。〃
〃Alone；〃 he said in an undertone。 The sky was blue nowcloudless blue； but in that word alone he could hear the rumble of storms below the horizon； storms past； storms to come。
〃The real helpers；〃 she went on； 〃are those who strengthen us day by day； hour by hour。 And when no physical presence would do any good； when no outside aid is possibletheyit's like finding a wall at one's back when one's in dread of being surrounded。 I suppose you don't realize how much it means toto how many peopleto watch a man who goes straight and strong on his waywithout blustering； without trampling anybody； without taking any mean advantage。 You don't mind my saying these things？〃
She felt the look which she did not venture to face as he answered： 〃I needed to hear them to…day。 For it seemed to me that I； too； had got to the limit of my strength。〃
〃But you hadn't。〃 She said this confidently。
〃NoI suppose not。 I've thought so before； but somehow I've always managed to gather myself together。 This time it was the work of years apparently undonehopelessly undone。 They〃she understood that 〃they〃 meant the leaders of the two corrupt rings whose rule of the state his power with the people menaced〃they have bought away some of my best menbought them with those ‘favors' that are so much more disreputable than money because they're respectable。 Then they came to me〃he laughed unpleasantly〃and took me up into a high mountain and showed me all the kingdoms of the earth； as it were。 I could be governor； senator； they said； could probably have the nomination for president even；not if I would fall down and worship them； but if I would let them alone。 I could accomplish nearly all that I've worked so long to accomplish if I would only concede a few things to them。 I could be almost free。 ALMOSTthat is； not free at all。〃
She said： 〃And they knew you no better than that！〃
〃Now；〃 he continued； 〃it looks as if I'll have to build all over again。〃
〃I think not；〃 she replied。 〃If they weren't still afraid of you they'd never have come to you。 But what does it matter？ YOU don't fight for victory； you fight for the fight's sake。 And so〃she looked at him proudly〃you can't lose。〃
〃Thank you。 Thank you；〃 he said in a low voice。
She sighed。 〃How I envy you！ You LIVE。 I can simply be alive。 Sometimes I feel as if I were sitting in a railway station waiting to begin my journeywaiting for a train that's latenobody knows how late。 Simply alivethat's all。〃
〃That's a great deal；〃 he said。 He was looking round at the sky； at the horizon； at the fields far and near； at her。 〃A great deal；〃 he repeated。
〃You feel that； too？〃 She smiled。 〃I suppose I should live on through anything and everything； because； away down under the surface； where even the worst storms can't reach； there's always a sort of tremendous joythe sense of being alivejust alive。〃 She drew a long breath。 〃Often when I've beenanything but happya little while ago； for instanceI suddenly have a feeling of ecstasy。 I say to myself： Yes； I'm unhappy； butI'm ALIVE！〃
He made a sudden impulsive movement toward her； then restrained himself； pressed his lips together and fell back on his elbow。
〃I suppose I ought to be ashamed of myself；' she added。
〃You mustn't say that。〃 He was sitting up； was speaking with all his energy。 〃All that you were telling me a while ago to encourage me applies to you； tooand moremore。 You DO live。 You ARE what you long to be。 That ideal you're always trying to graspdon't you know why you can't grasp it； Pauline？ Because it's your own self； your own image reflected as in a mirror。〃
He broke off abruptly； acutely conscious that he was leaning far over the barrier between them。 There was a distant shout； from vigorous； boyish lungs。 Gardiner； mad with the joy of healthy seven； came running and jumping across the field to land with a leap astride the hillock； scattering wisps of hay over his mother and Scarborough。 Pauline turned without getting up； caught her boy by the arms and with mock violence shook and thrust him deep down into the damaged hillock。 She seemed to be making an outlet for s
