when the world shook-第2章

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he　lacked；　had　he　possessed　it　surely　he　must　have　become　an

archbishop　instead　of　dying　the　vicar　of　an　unknown　parish。　Also

I　have　a　spiritual　sense；　mayhap　mystical　would　be　a　better　term；

which　with　all　this　religion　was　missing　from　my　father's　nature。



For　I　think　that　notwithstanding　his　charity　and　devotion　he

never　quite　got　away　from　the　shell　of　things；　never　cracked　it

and　set　his　teeth　in　the　kernel　which　alone　can　feed　our　souls。

His　keen　intellect；　to　take　an　example；　recognised　every　one　of

the　difficulties　of　our　faith　and　flashed　hither　and　thither　in

the　darkness；　seeking　explanation；　seeking　light；　trying　to

reconcile；　to　explain。　He　was　not　great　enough　to　put　all　this

aside　and　go　straight　to　the　informing　Soul　beneath　that　strives

to　express　itself　everywhere；　even　through　those　husks　which　are

called　the　World；　the　Flesh　and　the　Devil；　and　as　yet　does　not

always　quite　succeed。



It　is　this　boggling　over　exteriors；　this　peering　into　pitfalls；

this　desire　to　prove　that　what　such　senses　as　we　have　tell　us　is

impossible；　is　in　fact　possible；　which　causes　the　overthrow　of

many　an　earnest；　seeking　heart　and　renders　its　work；　conducted　on

false　lines；　quite　nugatory。　These　will　trust　to　themselves　and

their　own　intelligence　and　not　be　content　to　spring　from　the

cliffs　of　human　experience　into　the　everlasting　arms　of　that

Infinite　which　are　stretched　out　to　receive　them　and　to　give　them

rest　and　the　keys　of　knowledge。　When　will　man　learn　what　was

taught　to　him　of　old；　that　faith　is　the　only　plank　wherewith　he

can　float　upon　this　sea　and　that　his　miserable　works　avail　him

nothing；　also　that　it　is　a　plank　made　of　many　sorts　of　wood；

perhaps　to　suit　our　different　weights？



So　to　be　honest；　in　a　sense　I　believe　myself　to　be　my　father's

superior；　and　I　know　that　he　agreed　with　me。　Perhaps　this　is

owing　to　the　blood　of　my　Scotch　mother　which　mixed　well　with　his

own；　perhaps　because　the　essential　spirit　given　to　me；　though

cast　in　his　mould；　was　in　fact　quite　differentor　of　another

alloy。　Do　we；　I　wonder；　really　understand　that　there　are　millions

and　billions　of　these　alloys；　so　many　indeed　that　Nature；　or

whatever　is　behind　Nature；　never　uses　the　same　twice　over？　That

is　why　no　two　human　beings　are　or　ever　will　be　quite　identical。

Their　flesh；　the　body　of　their　humiliation；　is　identical　in　all；

any　chemist　will　prove　it　to　you；　but　that　which　animates　the

flesh　is　distinct　and　different　because　it　comes　from　the　home　of

that　infinite　variety　which　is　necessary　to　the　ultimate

evolution　of　the　good　and　bad　that　we　symbolise　as　heaven　and

hell。



Further；　I　had　and　to　a　certain　extent　still　have　another

advantage　over　my　father；　which　certainly　came　to　me　from　my

mother；　who　was；　as　I　judge　from　all　descriptions　and　such

likenesses　as　remain　of　her；　an　extremely　handsome　woman。　I　was

born　much　better　looking。　He　was　small　and　dark；　a　little　man

with　deep…set　eyes　and　beetling　brows。　I　am　also　dark；　but　tall

above　the　average；　and　well　made。　I　do　not　know　that　I　need　say

more　about　my　personal　appearance；　to　me　not　a　very　attractive

subject；　but　the　fact　remains　that　they　called　me　〃handsome

Humphrey〃　at　the　University；　and　I　was　the　captain　of　my　college

boat　and　won　many　prizes　at　athletic　sports　when　I　had　time　to

train　for　them。



Until　I　went　up　to　Oxford　my　father　educated　me；　partly　because

he　knew　that　he　could　do　it　better　than　anyone　else；　and　partly

to　save　school　expenses。　The　experiment　was　very　successful；　as　my

love　of　all　outdoor　sports　and　of　any　small　hazardous　adventure

that　came　to　my　hand；　also　of　associating　with　fisherfolk　whom

the　dangers　of　the　deep　make　men　among　men；　saved　me　from

becoming　a　milksop。　For　the　rest　I　learned　more　from　my　father；

whom　I　always　desired　to　please　because　I　loved　him；　than　I

should　have　done　at　the　best　and　most　costly　of　schools。　This　was

shown　when　at　last　I　went　to　college　with　a　scholarship；　for

there　I　did　very　well　indeed；　as　search　would　still　reveal。



Here　I　had　better　set　out　some　of　my　shortcomings；　which　in

their　sum　have　made　a　failure　of　me。　Yes；　a　failure　in　the

highest　sense；　though　I　trust　what　Stevenson　calls　〃a　faithful

failure。〃　These　have　their　root　in　fastidiousness　and　that　lack

of　perseverance；　which　really　means　a　lack　of　faith；　again　using

the　word　in　its　higher　and　wider　sense。　For　if　one　had　real　faith

one　would　always　persevere；　knowing　that　in　every　work　undertaken

with　high　aim；　there　is　an　element　of　nobility；　however　humble

and　unrecognised　that　work　may　seem　to　be。　God　after　all　is　the

God　of　Work；　it　is　written　large　upon　the　face　of　the　Universe。　I

will　not　expand　upon　the　thought；　it　would　lead　me　too　far

afield；　but　those　who　have　understanding　will　know　what　I　mean。



As　regards　what　I　interpret　as　fastidiousness；　this　is　not　very

easy　to　express。　Perhaps　a　definition　will　help。　I　am　like　a　man

with　an　over…developed　sense　of　smell；　who　when　walking　through　a

foreign　city；　however　clean　and　well　kept；　can　always　catch　the

evil　savours　that　are　inseparable　from　such　cities。　More；　his

keen　perception　of　them　interferes　with　all　other　perceptions　and

spoils　his　walks。　The　result　is　that　in　after　years；　whenever　he

thinks　of　that　beautiful　city；　he　remembers；　not　its　historic

buildings　or　its　wide　boulevards；　or　whatever　it　has　to　boast；

but　rather　its　ancient；　fish…like　smell。　At　least　he　remembers

that　first　owing　to　this　defect　in　his　temperament。



So　it　is　with　everything。　A　lovely　woman　is　spoiled　for　such　a

one　because　she　eats　too　much　or　has　too　high　a　voice；　he　does

not　care　for　his　shooting　because　the　scenery　is　flat；　or　for　his

fishing　because　the　gnats　bite　as　well　as　the　trout。　In　short　he

is　out　of　tune　with　the　world　as　it　is。　Moreover；　this　is　a

quality　which；　where　it　exists；　cannot　be　overcome；　it　affects

day…labourers　as　well　as　gentlemen　at　large。　It　is　bred　in　the

bone。



Probably　the　second　failure…breeding　fault；　lack　of

perseverance；　has　its　roots　in　the　first；　at　any　rate　in　my　case。

At　least　on　leaving　college　with　some　reputation；　I　was　called　to

the　Bar　where；　owing　to　certain　solicitor　and　other　connections；

I　had　a　good　opening。　Also；　owing　to　the　excellence　of　my　memory

and　powers　of　work；　I　began　very　well；　making　money　even　during

my　first　year。　Then；　as　it　happened；　a　certain　case　came　my　way

and；　my　leader　falling　ill　suddenly　after　it　was　opened；　was　left

in　my　hands。　The　man　whose　cause　I　was　pleading　was；　I　think；　one

of　the　biggest　scoundrels　it　is　possible　to　conceive。　It　was　a

will　case　and　if　he　won；　the　effect　would　be　to　beggar　two　most

estimable　middle…aged　women　who　were　justly　entitled　to　the

property；　to　which　end　personally　I　am　convinced　he　had　committed

forgery；　the　perjury　that　accompanied　it　I　do　not　even　mention。



Well；　he　did　win；　thanks　to　me；　and　the　estimable　middle…aged

ladies　were　beggared；　and　as　I　heard　afterwards；　driven　to　such

extremities　that　one　of　them　died　of　her　misery　and　the　other

became　a　lodging…house　keeper。　The　details　do　not　matter；　but　I

may　explain　that　these　ladies　were　unattractive　in　appearance　and

manner　and　broke　down　beneath　my　cross…examination　which　made

them　appear　to　be　telling　falsehoods；　whereas　they　were　only

completely　confused。　Further；　I　invented　an　ingenious　theory　of

the　facts　which；　although　the　judge　regarded　it　with　suspicion；

convinced　an　unusually　stupid　jury　who　gave　me　their　verdict。



Everybody　congratulated　me　and　at　the　time　I　was　triumphant；

especially　as　my　leader　had　declared　that　our　case　was

impossible。　Afterwards；　however；　my　conscience　smote　me　sorely；

so　much　so　that　arguing　from　the　false　premise　of　this　business；

I　came　to　the　conclusion　that　the　practice　of　the　Law　was　not

suited　to　an　honest　man。　I　did　not　take　the　large　view　that　such

matters　average　themselves　up　and　that　if　I　had　done　harm　in　this

instance；　I　might