the lifted veil-第8章

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off　the　access　of　jealous　hate　which　my　brother　had　raised　in　me　by
his　parting　patronage。　　Suddenly　I　interrupted　and　startled　her　by
saying；　almost　fiercely；　〃Bertha；　how　can　you　love　Alfred？〃

She　looked　at　me　with　surprise　for　a　moment；　but　soon　her　light
smile　came　again；　and　she　answered　sarcastically；　〃Why　do　you
suppose　I　love　him？〃

〃How　can　you　ask　that；　Bertha？〃

〃What！　your　wisdom　thinks　I　must　love　the　man　I'm　going　to　marry？
The　most　unpleasant　thing　in　the　world。　　I　should　quarrel　with　him；
I　should　be　jealous　of　him；　our　menage　would　be　conducted　in　a　very
ill…bred　manner。　　A　little　quiet　contempt　contributes　greatly　to
the　elegance　of　life。〃

〃Bertha；　that　is　not　your　real　feeling。　　Why　do　you　delight　in
trying　to　deceive　me　by　inventing　such　cynical　speeches？〃

〃I　need　never　take　the　trouble　of　invention　in　order　to　deceive
you；　my　small　Tasso〃　（that　was　the　mocking　name　she　usually　gave
me）。　　〃The　easiest　way　to　deceive　a　poet　is　to　tell　him　the　truth。〃

She　was　testing　the　validity　of　her　epigram　in　a　daring　way；　and
for　a　moment　the　shadow　of　my　visionthe　Bertha　whose　soul　was　no
secret　to　mepassed　between　me　and　the　radiant　girl；　the　playful
sylph　whose　feelings　were　a　fascinating　mystery。　　I　suppose　I　must
have　shuddered；　or　betrayed　in　some　other　way　my　momentary　chill　of
horror。

〃Tasso！〃　she　said；　seizing　my　wrist；　and　peeping　round　into　my
face；　〃are　you　really　beginning　to　discern　what　a　heartless　girl　I
am？　　Why；　you　are　not　half　the　poet　I　thought　you　were；　you　are
actually　capable　of　believing　the　truth　about　me。〃

The　shadow　passed　from　between　us；　and　was　no　longer　the　object
nearest　to　me。　　The　girl　whose　light　fingers　grasped　me；　whose
elfish　charming　face　looked　into　minewho；　I　thought；　was
betraying　an　interest　in　my　feelings　that　she　would　not　have
directly　avowed；this　warm　breathing　presence　again　possessed　my
senses　and　imagination　like　a　returning　siren　melody　which　had　been
overpowered　for　an　instant　by　the　roar　of　threatening　waves。　　It
was　a　moment　as　delicious　to　me　as　the　waking　up　to　a　consciousness
of　youth　after　a　dream　of　middle　age。　　I　forgot　everything　but　my
passion；　and　said　with　swimming　eyes　…

〃Bertha；　shall　you　love　me　when　we　are　first　married？　　I　wouldn't
mind　if　you　really　loved　me　only　for　a　little　while。〃

Her　look　of　astonishment；　as　she　loosed　my　hand　and　started　away
from　me；　recalled　me　to　a　sense　of　my　strange；　my　criminal
indiscretion。

〃Forgive　me；〃　I　said；　hurriedly；　as　soon　as　I　could　speak　again；　〃I
did　not　know　what　I　was　saying。〃

〃Ah；　Tasso's　mad　fit　has　come　on；　I　see；〃　she　answered　quietly；　for
she　had　recovered　herself　sooner　than　I　had。　　〃Let　him　go　home　and
keep　his　head　cool。　　I　must　go　in；　for　the　sun　is　setting。〃

I　left　herfull　of　indignation　against　myself。　　I　had　let　slip
words　which；　if　she　reflected　on　them；　might　rouse　in　her　a
suspicion　of　my　abnormal　mental　conditiona　suspicion　which　of　all
things　I　dreaded。　　And　besides　that；　I　was　ashamed　of　the　apparent
baseness　I　had　committed　in　uttering　them　to　my　brother's　betrothed
wife。　　I　wandered　home　slowly；　entering　our　park　through　a　private
gate　instead　of　by　the　lodges。　　As　I　approached　the　house；　I　saw　a
man　dashing　off　at　full　speed　from　the　stable…yard　across　the　park。
Had　any　accident　happened　at　home？　　No；　perhaps　it　was　only　one　of
my　father's　peremptory　business　errands　that　required　this　headlong
haste。

Nevertheless　I　quickened　my　pace　without　any　distinct　motive；　and
was　soon　at　the　house。　　I　will　not　dwell　on　the　scene　I　found
there。　　My　brother　was　deadhad　been　pitched　from　his　horse；　and
killed　on　the　spot　by　a　concussion　of　the　brain。

I　went　up　to　the　room　where　he　lay；　and　where　my　father　was　seated
beside　him　with　a　look　of　rigid　despair。　　I　had　shunned　my　father
more　than　any　one　since　our　return　home；　for　the　radical　antipathy
between　our　natures　made　my　insight　into　his　inner　self　a　constant
affliction　to　me。　　But　now；　as　I　went　up　to　him；　and　stood　beside
him　in　sad　silence；　I　felt　the　presence　of　a　new　element　that
blended　us　as　we　had　never　been　blent　before。　　My　father　had　been
one　of　the　most　successful　men　in　the　money…getting　world：　　he　had
had　no　sentimental　sufferings；　no　illness。　　The　heaviest　trouble
that　had　befallen　him　was　the　death　of　his　first　wife。　　But　he
married　my　mother　soon　after；　and　I　remember　he　seemed　exactly　the
same；　to　my　keen　childish　observation；　the　week　after　her　death　as
before。　　But　now；　at　last；　a　sorrow　had　comethe　sorrow　of　old
age；　which　suffers　the　more　from　the　crushing　of　its　pride　and　its
hopes；　in　proportion　as　the　pride　and　hope　are　narrow　and　prosaic。
His　son　was　to　have　been　married　soonwould　probably　have　stood
for　the　borough　at　the　next　election。　　That　son's　existence　was　the
best　motive　that　could　be　alleged　for　making　new　purchases　of　land
every　year　to　round　off　the　estate。　　It　is　a　dreary　thing　onto　live
on　doing　the　same　things　year　after　year；　without　knowing　why　we　do
them。　　Perhaps　the　tragedy　of　disappointed　youth　and　passion　is
less　piteous　than　the　tragedy　of　disappointed　age　and　worldliness。

As　I　saw　into　the　desolation　of　my　father's　heart；　I　felt　a
movement　of　deep　pity　towards　him；　which　was　the　beginning　of　a　new
affectionan　affection　that　grew　and　strengthened　in　spite　of　the
strange　bitterness　with　which　he　regarded　me　in　the　first　month　or
two　after　my　brother's　death。　　If　it　had　not　been　for　the　softening
influence　of　my　compassion　for　himthe　first　deep　compassion　I　had
ever　feltI　should　have　been　stung　by　the　perception　that　my
father　transferred　the　inheritance　of　an　eldest　son　to　me　with　a
mortified　sense　that　fate　had　compelled　him　to　the　unwelcome　course
of　caring　for　me　as　an　important　being。　　It　was　only　in　spite　of
himself　that　he　began　to　think　of　me　with　anxious　regard。　　There　is
hardly　any　neglected　child　for　whom　death　has　made　vacant　a　more
favoured　place；　who　will　not　understand　what　I　mean。

Gradually；　however；　my　new　deference　to　his　wishes；　the　effect　of
that　patience　which　was　born　of　my　pity　for　him；　won　upon　his
affection；　and　he　began　to　please　himself　with　the　endeavour　to
make　me　fill　any　brother's　place　as　fully　as　my　feebler　personality
would　admit。　　I　saw　that　the　prospect　which　by　and　by　presented
itself　of　my　becoming　Bertha's　husband　was　welcome　to　him；　and　he
even　contemplated　in　my　case　what　he　had　not　intended　in　my
brother'sthat　his　son　and　daughter…in…law　should　make　one
household　with　him。　　My　softened　feelings　towards　my　father　made
this　the　happiest　time　I　had　known　since　childhood；these　last
months　in　which　I　retained　the　delicious　illusion　of　loving　Bertha；
of　longing　and　doubting　and　hoping　that　she　might　love　me。　　She
behaved　with　a　certain　new　consciousness　and　distance　towards　me
after　my　brother's　death；　and　I　too　was　under　a　double　constraint
that　of　delicacy　towards　my　brother's　memory　and　of　anxiety　as　to
the　impression　my　abrupt　words　had　left　on　her　mind。　　But　the
additional　screen　this　mutual　reserve　erected　between　us　only
brought　me　more　completely　under　her　power：　　no　matter　how　empty
the　adytum；　so　that　the　veil　be　thick　enough。　　So　absolute　is　our
soul's　need　of　something　hidden　and　uncertain　for　the　maintenance
of　that　doubt　and　hope　and　effort　which　are　the　breath　of　its　life；
that　if　the　whole　future　were　laid　bare　to　us　beyond　to…day；　the
interest　of　all　mankind　would　be　bent　on　the　hours　that　lie
between；　we　should　pant　after　the　uncertainties　of　our　one　morning
and　our　one　afternoon；　we　should　rush　fiercely　to　the　Exchange　for
our　last　possibility　of　speculation；　of　success；　of　disappointment：
we　should　have　a　glut　of　political　prophets　foretelling　a　crisis　or
a　no…crisis　within　the　only　twenty…four　hours　left　open　to
prophecy。　　Conceive　the　condition　of　the　human　mind　if　all
propositions　whatsoever　were　self…evident　except　one；　which　was　to
become　self…evident　at　the　close　of　a　summer's　day；　but　in　the
meantime　might　be　the　subject　of　question；　of　hypothesis；　of
debate。　　Art　and　philosophy；　literature　and　science；　would　fasten
like　bees　on　that　one　proposition　which　had　the　honey　of
probability　in　it